Press "Enter" to skip to content

Police Dog Doesn’t See Color

HOUSTON — A dog serving with the Houston Police Department issued a statement today responding to allegations of racism in his department, claiming that he personally doesn’t see color while pursuing suspects.

“Speaking on behalf of myself and my unit, skin color hardly enters the conversation,” explained Duke, a five-year-old German Shepherd who has worked with the Houston K9 unit since 2016. “The job I was trained to do requires swift action and quick decisions, so I don’t even have time to question the race of who I tackle, bite, and continue biting until instructed to stop. I don’t care if you’re black, white, grey, darker grey, a shade of grey even darker than that, or just a plastic bag that got caught on a telephone pole — just don’t commit crimes, and you won’t get taken down.”

While Duke acknowledged that nationally there are a few “bad apples” in law enforcement, he and his handler reiterate that most cops are “very good boys, yes they are.”

“I’ve known Duke for his whole life, and have never met a more alert cop. I should know — I trained him myself,” said Lt. Phil McCrone, Duke’s handler/trainer and a senior officer with 18 discrimination complaints against him. “His record speaks for itself. One time we were out for a walk, and he jumped up and bit an African-American man just walking by, right in the throat. Turns out the guy was a scumbag criminal who had two unpaid parking violations against him, and had used a small amount of marijuana earlier that week, which he claimed ‘helped’ with his ‘seizures.’ Duke is a credit to this force, and I’m damn proud to know him.”

Recent studies show that Black and Latino men are more than 50% more likely to be targeted and arrested. However, The Houston K9 unit is pushing back, saying they are the ones being victimized.

“We do a tough job, and the thanks we get is being demonized by the media,” remarked Rusty, a seven-year-old Rottweiler and decorated officer. “My colleagues and I keep this city safe! There’s a witch hunt going on in this country, and we don’t deserve to be treated like animals. Even me — literally an animal. Treat me like a man. A white man.”

At press time, Duke was eating his own shit and growling at a passing car playing loud rap music.