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Opinion: If That’s How You Treat Customers I’ll Just Go Use the Restroom Somewhere Else

As a consumer, I know that I have more options than ever competing for my dollar. If you don’t meet my needs, it’s not hard to find someone down the street who will. Now, I can’t tell you how to run a business, but if this is how you treat customers, well, I’ll just have to use the restroom somewhere else.

Where do you even get off telling me that your bathroom is for, “customers only?” I’ll have you know that I planned on touching everything in here, asking LOTS of questions, and checking Amazon prices on my phone as I sidled out the door. But now I guess I’ll be taking my hypothetical business elsewhere. You blew it, buddy!

Did I walk through the door saying, “I’ve got to make a large deposit at the First Bank of Porcelain?” Sure. Have I used the bathroom here without spending money in the past? Yes, many times. But if you don’t want people using your restroom, you shouldn’t have opened up next to a Cicis Pizza. It’s just bad business, simple as that.

And by the way, your bathroom could really use a makeover. You need a decent selfie mirror so influencers like me can tag themselves in the hottest new public restroom in town. And coarse toilet paper is no way to build a relationship with customers — I need to be surprised and delighted in there!

Whatever, I don’t have the time to take you to business school; it’s almost peak grocery store sampling hours. You’ll be hearing from me via my one-star reviews across multiple online platforms, but rest assured, there are plenty of other establishments willing to receive a full load of my patronage with a smile and a, “thank you.” Good day.