Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Hypothetical Second Stimulus Check Already Spent

Posted on June 25, 2020 by Courtney Baka

CHICAGO — Local woman Bethany Cordova has already spent her non-existent, second potential $1200 government stimulus check after hearing that more economic relief money may be coming to U.S. residents.

“I read a couple headlines that said Congress was working on passing a second stimulus check for the American people. Or maybe it was the Senate,” said Cordova. “Either way, that definitely helps me out, because the first $1,200 we got was great but it didn’t last long — I had to keep ordering bottles of wine because the shop by me was closed, and I had to lend some to my boyfriend since he didn’t get a stimulus check. He doesn’t believe in paying taxes, so he wasn’t eligible.”

“Between that and the tattoo deposit, I didn’t even have enough left for rent. So this is awesome, because now I can order those boots I’ve had my eye on,” she added.

Cordova’s roommate Erin James confirmed that Cordova has been overly optimistic.

“So far Bethany has bought a Nintendo Switch, a new TV, a leather jacket, an iPad, several pairs of shoes and ordered DoorDash every night… and no one even knows if this check is happening. By my calculations, she’s expecting her stimulus check to be about $3,400, and somehow owes something around $6,000,” James recalled. “After she spent her first stimulus check on her boyfriend’s recycled vape company or whatever, she asked me to cover her rent, but it’s like, ‘Hell no!’ I already spent my stimulus money reserving Coachella tickets for next year.”

Financial therapist Janine Reynolds weighed in.

“Spending money we have not yet received is a psychological phenomenon, where people trick themselves into believing they have more money than they actually do,” Reynolds said. “Although it is common, it can be signs of a larger financial issue like Compulsive Buying Disorder, and it is something to… hold on, did you say we’re getting a second check? Hell yeah, dude! I gotta get outta here!”

We Tried to Sit Down With This Whistleblowing Cop, but She Died in a Weird Accident Before We Got the Chance

Posted on June 25, 2020 by Ella Gale

With activists across the country protesting racial inequality and police violence, The Hard Times decided to sit down with police whistleblower Kelly McAllen to hear about her firsthand knowledge of unforgivably bad policing. Unfortunately, minutes before our interview, a man who we assume was with the police walked into our office to inform us McAllen died in a weird, out-of-the-blue accident and would be happy to answer all of our questions on her behalf.

Unidentified Man in Suit Smoking a Cigarette: I understand you’re interested in talking about the totally believable accident that killed the traitor Kelly McAllen.

The Hard Times: We were more interested in the rampant, unchecked violence and prejudice that permeates through every aspect of policing in this country, but sure.
As you can read in this press briefing we wrote yesterday, Ms. McAllen’s sudden passing five minutes ago is a tragedy that could not have been prevented. It’s actually very common for dirty fucking snitches to have incredibly normal accidents inside their home.

Normal? Some of these details look pretty weird. Who keeps hemlock in their spice rack? And why would she poison herself before shooting herself 87 times?
Weird? Oh no. The only thing weird about her accident was how super-normal it was. You can read the coroner’s report. Look, right there, under “cause of death.”

“Completely typical death. Nothing to see here. Move along folks.”
That’s right.

This is concerning. After agreeing to this interview, McAllen reportedly told her friends and family that she was worried about retribution.
Now who said that? If you give us some names, we’d be happy to clear that up.

Ya know, it’s coming back to us why we have a rule not to talk to cops.
I think we’re done here. Be sure to send your article over before you publish it. It’d be a shame if you got any details wrong, especially in a case where everything was so boring and credible.

“All Lives Matter” Protestors Recognize One Another from “Pro-Death Penalty” Rally

Posted on June 25, 2020 by Ted Pillow

MIAMI — Protestors gathered for yesterday’s “All Lives Matter” rally quickly realized that they all already knew each other thanks to last year’s “Pro-Death Penalty” rally, racist sources attending the event confirmed.

“I didn’t expect this ‘All Lives Matter’ rally to be such a wonderful reunion!” confided Ned Wallace, simultaneously waving the American flag, the Confederate flag, and a “Punisher” logo flag. “My jaw just about hit the floor when I saw all my buddies from those ‘pro-death penalty’ rallies we had last year after that kid got caught with a dimebag of weed. Hell, I hope I see these same folks next weekend — we’ve got a ‘pro-life’ march on Saturday, and then an NRA picnic on Sunday.”

The “All Lives Matter” rally was held in response to a much larger “Black Lives Matter” event occurring simultaneously on the other side of town.

“I believe that all lives matter — which means it really fucking pisses me off when people say that black lives matter,” explained rally attendee Waylon Jarrett. “Anyway, it’s great to see everyone back after last year’s candlelight vigil to reinstate death-by-firing-squads. It’s a gorgeous day, and we’ve got tons of people out here supporting America because they want what’s best for our country. Although we did have to kick out a few pussies for wearing masks.”

According to experts, support of the death penalty is common amongst the “All Lives Matter” movement.

“In psychology, we call it ‘cognitive dissonance’ — when a person holds seemingly incompatible beliefs, such as saying that ‘all lives matter,’ while also endorsing state-sanctioned execution,” noted renowned psychologist Dr. Anna St. Claire. “Or pro-life advocates who have no issue with cops needlessly murdering civilians, or Trump voters who claim they aren’t ‘racist scum.’ You get the idea.”

At press time, several “All Lives Matter” protestors gathered to protect a confederate statue, which they later discovered was actually a local KFC’s “Colonel Sanders” promotional display.

Shigeru Miyamoto Delays Orgasm for Quality Purposes

Posted on June 24, 2020 by JD Lowe

KYOTO, Japan — Shigeru Miyamoto announced today that in order to make sure he lives up to his highest standards, he will be delaying the orgasm he was to give to his wife, Yasuko Miyamoto.

“This is not a choice I have made lightly,” Miyamoto said, according to those familiar with the situation. “A healthy relationship can take many forms, one of which is helping your partner achieve climax. While I strive to be a very giving lover, I feel that I should delay my wife’s orgasm. After all, a teased orgasm can be a good orgasm, but a rushed one is forever bad.”

Those close to Yasuko Miyamoto say that she was vocally displeased with the announcement of the orgasm’s delay.

“The last time he ‘produced’ one of my orgasms was 2017,” she explained. “I didn’t mind, originally; when he first started bringing his work home, he would turn on noclit and just explore my body, and it was amazing. But as a woman, I have needs not being met. If things don’t get better, I might run off with [head of PlayStation] Hermen Hulst!”

At press time, Miyamoto had sent his wife a high resolution photograph of his flaccid penis, but had no other information on when an erection would be available, saying it’s “in development.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Call of Duty: Warzone Update Requires 100GB, a Little Bit of Blood

Posted on June 24, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MIDDLETON, Wisc. — A new update to Activision’s Call of Duty: Warzone requires users to give up 100gb of their hard drive space as well as just a teeny bit of blood.

“The file sizes are big, but that’s because the game is big. We don’t want to hold back with Warzone in the slightest, even if that means requiring room for another 100gb update or users being forced to bottle up just a small vial of blood, putting it into an envelope, and mailing it to our headquarters here in Wisconsin,” said Raven Software Creative Director Amos Hodge. “And to be clear, it doesn’t have to be your blood! It can be anyone’s blood, as long as it’s human and still pretty warm. That’s what you’ll need to play 50v50 battles in the newest update to Warzone.”

When asked why so much space and so little blood was required of Call of Duty fans, Hodge insisted they were necessary.

“The new 50v50 mode is going to be very taxing on players’ hardware. 100 players battling it out in real time in very small sections of the map? That takes a lot of space,” Hodge said. “But the thing is, we’ve already asked people for 100gb in the past. It’s old news. We need more. We need to take more from people. That’s why we need the blood, as well. Just a little bit for now. We won’t tell you why we need it — it’s for the Rumble mode, or duos or something. But next update? We’ll need more blood. Then we’ll need even more blood. Then we’ll want a finger or a toe. Next, you’ll swear allegiance to Activision.”

“If you want to make your loadout competitively viable, or even just good enough to not immediately get murdered by worse players,” Hodge added, “you will need to surrender your first born to the battle pass. And you’ll need to download a 125gb update. You want a fucking free battle royale?! These are all absolutely necessary.”

At press time, Activision announced that Call of Duty: Warzone is coming to the Nintendo Switch completely free of charge, but will require the entire hard drive space, as well as for players to sign a contract that places them under the legal ownership of Activision Sea Organization for 1,000 years.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Producers Promise “Community” Movie Will Continue Series’ Steady Decline in Quality

Posted on June 24, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

LOS ANGELES — As the promise of “six seasons and a movie” finally comes to fruition, producers of the upcoming “Community” feature film vowed today to continue the show’s steady decline in quality that started in season 4.

“We owe it to the fans to never quite reach the highs we hit in the early seasons before Donald Glover left,” series creator and writer Dan Harmon said while flipping a coin to decide certain characters’ arcs. “We’re following the ‘Heroes’ model of consistently worsening over time, right on down to bringing the show back 10 years later for new lows.”

Though producers promise that all favorite characters are returning, they have yet to explicitly confirm exactly how.

“Everyone’s so busy now, but we believe we found a way to make it work. For instance, Danny Pudi could only do a day of voiceover — we thought about maybe doing another claymation thing, but instead, Abed will be wearing an invisibility cloak the whole movie,” said producer Joe Russo. “And it’s written in that Annie goes back in time, so we’ll just use clips of Alison Brie from ‘Mad Men,’ and then Donald Glover’s character Troy will use a Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle machine in the first act — that way, we can use a different actor. And since it takes place during the pandemic, most other principal characters are body doubles wearing masks.”

One fan-favorite character missing for budgetary reasons is the lovable and quirky Dean Pelton, played by Jim Rash, who confirmed he was willing to be in the film but wasn’t even asked.

“I texted Dan Harmon when I heard about the movie, and he said he would have written me into the script, but he’d already gotten fired… again,” Rash pointed out. “And then I tried to contact the director, but apparently the studio is going to just give everyone the half-script and hope for the best. You guys know I won an Oscar, right?”

Though not in the movie, Chevy Chase, who played Pierce Hawthorne in the series, tried to join in a pre-production meeting but was kicked out after screaming the “n”-word at Joel McHale and injuring himself doing a pratfall. He is, unfortunately, expected to make a full recovery.

Cop Who Missed Monthly Union Dues Forced to Sit Out Beatdown of Suspect

Posted on June 24, 2020 by Randi Pulator

WARREN, Mich. — Ofc. Daniel Ronkowski was not allowed to participate in last night’s beatdown of a suspect after failing to pay his union dues last month, sources within the department confirmed.

“The call went out for backup units on a routine traffic stop involving a black motorist — standard protocol, happens at least 45 times a day,” said shift commander Lt. Ronald Japowiscz. “The license plate on the suspect’s vehicle appeared to be attached improperly, so we affected the stop. By the time Ofc. Ronkowski arrived on the scene, the suspect was handcuffed and face down on the ground, but he was still conscious, so we considered that ‘resisting arrest.’ Dan rolled up and pulled out his baton — he just loves using that thing, you know — hoping to help the other six officers restrain the suspect. But as the precinct union rep, I was the one who had to tell him he’d have to sit this one out. It broke my heart, but rules are rules.”

Ofc. Ronkowski was incredibly upset to miss out on standard police procedures.

“I forget to pay my union dues once in all of my two and half years on the force, and they tell me I can’t go out there and do my job the way I’ve been taught? That just sucks,” said Ronkowski. “I understand the union wouldn’t be able to help me if a complaint was filed, but there isn’t even anyone out here taping it. So where’s the harm in me taking a few practice swings just to stay sharp?”

Fellow Ofc. Tony Morocco empathized with Ronkowski.

“I get it — these days, it’s just too risky, especially if your union membership has lapsed. But mostly, it’s just not fair to all the members who paid their dues on time,” said Morocco, who holds the precinct record for most complaints against him. “I told Dan, ‘See if you can Venmo your June membership payment right now, I think there’s a seven day grace period,’ but he just stormed back to his squad car and punched the steering wheel for 10 minutes to cool off.”

Sources close to Ofc. Ronkowski report he plans to take out his frustrations on his wife and kids later tonight.

Opinion: Dress for the Band You Want, Not the One You’re In

Posted on June 24, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Conventional wisdom says that your outer appearance should give off some serious upward mobility vibes. That’s why I dress as if I were in one of the most financially prosperous bands of all time, which is none other than Kiss.

Who cares if the rest of the members of my shoegaze band are regularly seen in schlubby ill-fitted apparel they bought on clearance at the Goodwill. You should always treat your current band as a mere stepping stone to a more lucrative one.

Sure, I despise Kiss as much as the next guy, but have you Googled Gene Simmons’ net worth? Good God. For that amount, I would dress up like a Juggalo spaceman or a cat or whatever the fuck whenever the fuck. Count on it.

How you dress sends a powerful signal to the music world. That’s why I spend way more time researching glam makeup tutorials than I do writing original material. Few people know this, but being in a band is actually more about your fashion choices than it is about quality songwriting. Look no further than Kiss as evidence.

You don’t even have to enjoy what you wear to climb that corporate band ladder either. Do you think those Wall Street bros like wearing suits all day long? Of course not. You have to make sacrifices if you want to get ahead. Personally, I spend four hours a day practicing my walk in unnecessarily high platform shoes.

Bottom line is that when people see me in my “dressed for sellout success” attire, I know they think to themselves, “that total badass of a bass player must be so rich and successful from playing all those overpriced arena shows and swindling fans with an ungodly amount of cheap band memorabilia. He probably has a savings account too.”

Treat your wardrobe like a wearable vision board and before you know it you’ll be up to your knees in $0.006 royalty checks from Spotify.

New Weezer Album Entering Human Trials After Promising Results from Tests on Rats

Posted on June 24, 2020 by Amir Adan

LOS ANGELES — Legendary rock group Weezer celebrated today as their latest record finally completed months of successful laboratory tests on rats and is now clear to undergo human trials.

“In the earlier phases of the album’s development and testing, scores of rats were unfortunately lost,” said Xenon Research team lead James Robertson. “But with some minor tweaks to the initial demo tracks, like cheesier choruses and more bland instrumentation, we’ve seen great success. Human trials are always a little risky, but there will be precautions taken — like limiting listening sessions to no more than a couple songs at a time to hopefully mitigate the risks. With that said, we are anticipating great results.”

Weezer singer and songwriter Rivers Cuomo was ecstatic about the news.

“Not much of our stuff gets through the animal testing phase anymore, so this rocks. Hopefully it’s what the fans want — the writing process for this album was a bit disheartening, because apparently a lot of the rats exposed to some of the early tracks ended up killing themselves,” Cuomo said. “Now that we have a bunch of songs dialed in and the rats like it, our fans are likely to like it as well. I’ve tried listening to the album myself, and I’ve only experienced mild side-effects: light nausea, headaches, slight anal leakage, and a mild fungus in my perineum — nothing crazy. Really excited to get this into the hands of our listeners.”

However, animal rights activists believe the testing was just the latest example of animal cruelty.

“The lack of care shown by the researchers responsible for these tests is truly disgusting,” said vegan activist Jordan Miller. “Subjecting innocent animals to this disgusting filth is more than shameful. Animals deserve care and affection — not these awful living conditions, where they’re forced to listen to such bad music. I miss when music was cruelty free and more organic, you know? This artificial, mass produced stuff just isn’t good for us, and it’s definitely not good for the animal test subjects either. We’ve gotta put an end to it. I don’t know how these monsters sleep at night.”

Sources report that while Xenon Research and Weezer are optimistic about the human trials, testing may be delayed due to a lack of willing human participants.

Twitter User Pins Moment They Peaked

Posted on June 23, 2020 by Tyler Simpson

MIDLOTHIAN, Texas — Twitter user Sarah Criss recently pinned the greatest accomplishment she’ll ever achieve, an observational joke about American’s eating habits and the national perception of police officers, to the top of her Twitter page, for all passersby to see.

“if u eat the regular cheetos ur a cop,” reads the semi-viral tweet, who’s engagement dwarfs that of any of Criss’ others. By being pinned to the top of her profile, it dethrones the celebratory announcement of the formation of Criss’ improv troupe, The Prankee Poodle Pandies.

“We’re so proud of our baby girl,” Sarah’s mother Tammy said, in response to her achieving the highlight of her life thus far. “We know Sarah will reach even greater heights in the future. This joke is great, but I can’t wait until she does something even more amazing, like go on a trip with friends, or raise a kid she’s proud of! Sarah is only 23 years old. There’s no way this is as good as it’s going to get.”

Congratulations poured in for Sarah’s accomplishment from friends and family well into the night.

“Getting a hundred likes on a tweet feels incredible. It’s such an amazing rush. I can’t wait for it to happen again, which I’m sure it will.”, Sarah said as she composed another tweet that felt as funny as the other one, but will not get anywhere near as much attention as her recently pinned composition.

Criss mentioned other aspirations she has, which include writing, improv, and mountain climbing.

“I mean, hell, I reached the summit of the mountain that is Twitter,” she said. “Why not scale an actual mountain and compare the experiences?”

As of press time, The Prankee Poodle Pandies have disbanded, citing Criss’ growing ego as the ultimate breaking point in the group’s storied three month history.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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