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Opinion: Dress for the Band You Want, Not the One You’re In

Conventional wisdom says that your outer appearance should give off some serious upward mobility vibes. That’s why I dress as if I were in one of the most financially prosperous bands of all time, which is none other than Kiss.

Who cares if the rest of the members of my shoegaze band are regularly seen in schlubby ill-fitted apparel they bought on clearance at the Goodwill. You should always treat your current band as a mere stepping stone to a more lucrative one.

Sure, I despise Kiss as much as the next guy, but have you Googled Gene Simmons’ net worth? Good God. For that amount, I would dress up like a Juggalo spaceman or a cat or whatever the fuck whenever the fuck. Count on it.

How you dress sends a powerful signal to the music world. That’s why I spend way more time researching glam makeup tutorials than I do writing original material. Few people know this, but being in a band is actually more about your fashion choices than it is about quality songwriting. Look no further than Kiss as evidence.

You don’t even have to enjoy what you wear to climb that corporate band ladder either. Do you think those Wall Street bros like wearing suits all day long? Of course not. You have to make sacrifices if you want to get ahead. Personally, I spend four hours a day practicing my walk in unnecessarily high platform shoes.

Bottom line is that when people see me in my “dressed for sellout success” attire, I know they think to themselves, “that total badass of a bass player must be so rich and successful from playing all those overpriced arena shows and swindling fans with an ungodly amount of cheap band memorabilia. He probably has a savings account too.”

Treat your wardrobe like a wearable vision board and before you know it you’ll be up to your knees in $0.006 royalty checks from Spotify.