WASHINGTON — Worried about industry typecasting, representatives of local crisis actor Daniel Mauer say he is seeking a wider range of roles, hoping to finally break from his recurring part as “Father of Dead Child #4.”
“At first I was happy getting any role that came along, and any form of ‘Grieving Father’ is decent — lots of speaking parts, and sometimes an interview with our close friends at CNN; all that pays extra. But after all these years, I can barely remember the name of the school I’m supposed to be standing in front of,” Mauer said from an undisclosed location. “With my range, I’m cut out for so much more: I’d make a great ‘Bomb Survivor,’ or even ‘Hero Teacher.’ For Christ’s sake, I graduated top of my class at Black Site Acting School.”
Mauer’s agent, Teddy Reynolds of Operation Artists & Talent, understands the actor’s frustrations.
“Danny is a top-notch talent, but no one can get over his early work in ‘Mall Shooting #437’ back in ’06 — I nearly believed him myself. Now that’s all anybody wants him for. Just last week, I pitched him as ‘Soldier Coming Home and Surprising Daughter,’ and I got crickets,” Reynolds said via Skype. “And to be honest, he’s about to age out of Dad roles… and work gets pretty slim after that. If it’s going to happen, it needs to happen now. I mean, who gives a fuck about ‘Crying Older Uncle?’ Not me.”
While Mauer’s feelings may be valid, Deep State Director of Propaganda Affairs, Agent Archons X4, stressed the importance of everyone owning their roles.
“We hear this sort of complaint often. Every crisis actor thinks they’re the Laurence Olivier of mass shootings. But they’re not seeing the entire puzzle: it’s delicate work, and needs to be directed perfectly to stay one step ahead of the YouTubers,” Archon X4 explained from deep inside the Illuminati ocean compound. “We all appreciate Mr. Mauer’s efforts over the years — his work has warmed even my cold, reptilian blood. But if he wants to continue complaining about his assignments, I’m certain we can find him a role as ‘Missing American Tourist’ very shortly.”
Fortunately for Mr. Mauer, he has already booked a new, ongoing role as a coronavirus patient, and is set to tour the country with the production through at least 2021.