“Schoolhouse Rock” Bill Self-Immolates to Protest Big Beautiful Bill

Posted on by Chris Bratton

WASHINGTON — The Bill from the “Schoolhouse Rock,” best known for singing “I’m Just a Bill” in the fifth episode of the third season, died from self-immolation on the steps of the Capitol Building to protest President Trump’s so-called Big Beautiful Bill, horrified sources confirmed.

“I am more than just a bill, and when found up on Capitol Hill, know I could longer sit still, to witness this authoritative caper, and be told I am still a lowly scrap paper. I used to pray, that one eventful day, I would become a law, but the Big Beautiful Bill saw, a plague and a scourge, so now I chose myself to purge,” said The Bill in a lyrical suicide note that was left in his studio apartment with instructions that the message be accompanied by music in G Major, and left a postscripture addressed to his family. “My dearest Debra and sons, when you find me in heaven, God himself will have made me a law. That’s all this old bill can ask for.”

Longtime friend and co-star in the “I’m Just a Bill” segment, John Sheldon, arrived at the Capitol steps moments before The Bill set themselves ablaze.

“I’ve known that piece of paper for almost fifty years. I knew things were bad when I saw them arguing with Kevin Sorbo and Rob Schneider on X. He recently lost his job as a librarian and was spending hours making bloaty face J.D. Vance memes, but I didn’t realize things were this bad,” said Sheldon from behind police tape. “He texted me he was at the Capitol so I rushed over to check on him. He was just singing the phrase ‘I’m just a bill’ and sobbing. He then screamed ‘Sic Semper Tyrannis’ and lit a match. I tried to stop it, but his tiny paper body was so combustible.”

Kristina Michelin, a legislative crisis hotline operator, lamented the current climate for bills.

“There are good bills and fine laws that can’t make sense of any of this. The Dream Act is calling our service because of nightmares, the Affordable Care Act is in the throes of existential despair because it believes that nothing is affordable and care will soon be gone,” said Michelin. “Good thoughtful legislation is losing itself under the shadow of this omnibus turd.”

Unfortunately, this isn’t the only recent “Schoolhouse Rock” related news as an earlier article detailed the story of how the train from “Conjunction Junction” volunteered to haul materials used to build Alligator Alcatraz.

Infant Annihilator Change Name to Avoid Association with Israel

Posted on by Tim Sheard

HULL, U.K. — Extreme metal provocateurs Infant Annihilator are changing their name in an effort to minimize any association with the State of Israel and their ongoing efforts in Palestine, the band announced in a statement.

“We like to josh around and push the envelope with songs named things like ‘Cuntcrusher’ and ‘Childchewer’ but upon seeing a YouTube comment comparing us to Netanyahu because of our name, we found our moral limit,” admitted founding drummer Aaron Kitcher, who is reportedly working on his first album of children’s lullabies. “Now people think we are state-run media all because our name reflects the apparent policy of an actual country. We just want to sing fun songs about disemboweling the innocent; real genocide is no laughing matter.”

Fans of Infant Annihilator expressed some confusion at the sudden change of heart coming from their beloved deathcore band.

“I’m taken aback by Infant Annihilator expressing regret over, well, anything,” said longtime fan Lee Bletchley, who often comments on the band’s videos as xGoreShitter69x. “But I have to give the band props for doing the literal bare minimum of what is right in order to oppose one of the true, ongoing horrors of the world- unlike Radiohead. I hope IA resume their throat-shredding squeals and borderline impossible drum programming soon. In the meantime, I’ll relax by rewatching Salo for the sixtieth time.”

Members of the pro-Israel lobby chastised Infant Annihilator for the controversial renaming and offered suggestions on how to return to their good graces.

“Infant Annihilator changing their name is dangerous, cowardly, and frankly anti-Semetic,” stated AIPAC spokesperson Pauline Smith. “To accuse Israel of only annihilating infants is inaccurate and harmful. We are absolutely capable of killing adolescents, adults, and the elderly as well. We demand the band change their name to ‘Hamas Annihilator’ and release a track featuring Michael Rappaport and Brett Gelman doing rap verses. They might come out of this with a nice toe-tapper after all.”

As of press time, Infant Annihilator are rumored to be experiencing infighting over their two name option finalists: “The Great Spermfister Homicide” and “Hallowed Buffet of Anuses.”

The Timeless Thrill of Pouring Hot Oil Directly Down the Kitchen Sink and 5 Other Hidden Perks for Millennials Who Will Never Own Property

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Listen up, weary renters! Are you bummed over the fact that you’ll never know the joy that comes with owning property and accumulating wealth as you sip iced tea on your backyard porch and think about the finer things in life? Well, it’s time to start thinking about the finer things in life that you’re able to enjoy in the present moment, like cavalierly pouring hot oil directly down the kitchen sink because you’ll never not be at the mercy of a landlord!

Sure, you’ll probably die without any worthwhile assets to your name, but at least you can destroy the plumbing on somebody else’s dime. It’s the little things, really.

What are they going to do? Dock you on your security deposit? It’s cute of you to assume that you’ll ever break your lease at this point, so you might as well enjoy the hidden perks of shared walls and shitty neighbors to make renting life just a little more enjoyable.

It’s Not Your Plumbing –
So you poured too much bacon grease and canola oil down the drain, and now it’s irreparably clogged. This is a huge problem, right? Wrong! Since you’re stuck renting from Mr. Moneybags anyway, all this means is that you don’t even need to read the labels and second guess yourself when trying to purchase industrial-strength solvents from the hardware store. If the old pipes beneath your sink can’t handle the cleaning material of your choosing and burst at the seams with unsavory gunk, just call maintenance. It’s their problem now!

Increased Pool Access –
Inexplicable water main breaks and renting are synonymous, and 100% mutually exclusive from how you treat your own plumbing on a regular basis, but you can use these incidents to your advantage if you’re smart enough. When the municipal sludge pumps saturate the air with their sulfury brand of human excrement and gas buildup, the community pool clears out faster than my kitchen when I realize that pouring an active grease fire down the drain actually makes the problem infinitely worse. My living situation may now be considered “condemned,” but who am I to complain when I gain all of this raft real estate in the interim?

It’s Okay That You Didn’t Learn Cursive –
You’re still a bit salty that Tech Education, Auto Shop, and Home Economics were removed from your curriculum when you were coming of age because they all teach necessary life skills that pay for themselves both materially and monetarily. But at least you didn’t waste an entire semester learning cursive in the third grade because it’s not like you’re going to be signing a mortgage any time soon.

Loud Neighbors are a Blessing, Not a Curse –
For the longest time, I used to hate my upstairs neighbors because of how goddamn loud they are. But whether I’m overhearing an act of domestic violence or the place is being ransacked after a drug-deal gone wrong, I sleep easy knowing that I can listen to my Van Halen records as loud as I want, or even vacuum after 9:00 pm because I’m so much more quiet by comparison. It’s like I cracked the code for living deliberately at the expense of others who are suffering immeasurably … just like my landlord, who does the same thing by charging me $2,500 a month for a 650 square foot studio apartment.

The Crawl Space Isn’t Part of My Lease –
There’s a vacant apartment across the breezeway, meaning the crawl space below it is also vacant. I use it to store the camping gear I need to set up when the ceiling above my bed leaks, but mostly I just go there to cry because it’s my little secret garden.

Directionless Loser Pretty Happy

Posted on by Doug Kolic

MESA, Ariz. — A local man, described by everyone who knows him as an unambitious, directionless complete loser, is reportedly pretty cool with that, according to sources watching him meander around the neighborhood without a care in the world.

“I prefer to live in the moment. Dreams, aspirations, and personal achievements just get in the way of that,” stated 42-year-old Tanner Briscoe as he vaped on a park bench watching people hustle to work. “All my life I’ve been told I’m a failure because I have no drive, but I’m very happy—so if that makes me a dud, so be it. My grandparents let me stay in their garage after my parents kicked me out, but honestly, I’ve got everything I could ever want. Who needs goals when you can play Scrabble with Gran and Gramps all day?”

Briscoe’s longtime friend Chris Hartenstein can’t believe someone like him isn’t miserable.

“He’s always lived a purposeless life,” said his pal who looked 20 years older than his age because of the crippling weight of all his responsibilities. “No job, no partner, no kids—how can that bring contentment? Last week I was up to my eyeballs with work, juggling daycare and divorce court, while Tanner spent most of his time trying to find some Pokémon card on eBay that he ‘needed’ for his collection. It’s time he grew up and lived a life of unrelenting pain like the rest of us.”

Psychologist Emily DeChambre described how ne’er-do-wells achieve joy.

“There’s no secret to this,” DeChambre explained. “Society pressures us to get a job, get married, and have children. But without those things—which can often be soul-sucking and burdensome—you’re left with the closest thing to true happiness that exists in this world. As long as you have a roof over your head, food, and some time to yourself, what more could you want? Throw in some old fashioned board games with your sweet old grandparents and, uhhh…Sorry, I think I just came.”

At press time, Briscoe was seen setting up his backyard hammock while the rest of his friends were trying to figure out how they were going to pay for their kids’ education.

New York Mayor Eric Adams Excited to Give Diddy A Second Key to City That Actually Opens Most Hotel Room Doors

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — New York Mayor Eric Adams announced he plans to give Sean “Diddy” Combs a second key to the city with the ability to open most hotel room doors following the musician’s acquittal on the most serious charges he faced, sources confirmed.

“This key is a symbol that we should all embrace and trust one of the greatest musicians of a generation. It will allow him to access virtually every hotel room where he will be allowed to watch you sleep, or if you’re lucky, provide you with drugs and watch you make love for hours,” said Mayor Adams. “You know what else is cool about this thing? It unlocks all those security doors at CVS so you don’t have to wait around for some teenage employee to bring you the key. This key will allow Diddy to grab all the baby oil he needs.”

Lawyers for Mr. Combs thanked the mayor for his support and generosity.

“Mayor Adams has been a great advocate for our client. I’ve talked with Mr. Combs about this offer and he said he will put that key to use immediately. If you are a beautiful woman that has always fantasized about having Diddy watch you have sex then this will be a golden age for you, he promises to be there in the corner, interjecting every so often with his trademark hype phrases,” said lead defense attorney Marc Agnifilo. “We look forward to when Mr. Combs can get back to living a simple life where he hosts wild sex parties with the best B-list celebrities in the business.”

Lifelong New York resident Carla Suarez says she is unhappy with the mayor’s decision.

“It’s kind of fucked up. There are a lot of problems that need solving in this city, I don’t think handing keys to a sex pest are going to fix things,” said Suarez. “I’m scraping by trying to put food on my table, now I have to worry that Diddy is going to come into my house when I’m gone and make a sandwich or eat the Chef Boyardee Ravioli I buy for my kids. New York needs new leadership, and we need it fast.”

At press time, Mayor Adams extended an invite to Diddy for an all-expenses paid vacation to Instanbul.

Elon Musk Promises His New Political Party Will Be Based on His Careful Study of South African Politics Pre-1990

Posted on by Stephen Bell

BOCA CHICA, Texas – The world’s richest man, Elon Musk, says that he will be creating a new political party based heavily on his careful study of South African politics before 1990 after expressing his dissatisfaction with the direction that Donald Trump is currently taking the United States, multiple chronically online goons confirmed.

“I think that America would really benefit from a political party much like the one in power when I was growing up as the modest son of an emerald miner outside of Johannesburg,” said a droopy-eyed Elon Musk, fading in and out of consciousness. “I’ve studied the old South African political system and it was a utopia for all South Africans. Yes, there is a lot of misinformation online about South Africa’s National Party, but once I reprogram Grok to answer questions correctly then everyone will know how great they were, and how the United States could really benefit from its core principles.”

One Trump voter was less convinced by Musk’s proposition as he felt his needs were already being met.

“I’m sure Elmo has his heart in the right place but what he’s offering isn’t really any different from what I’m already getting,” said Republican party member Isaac Cunningham. “To be honest, I haven’t seen that many illegal immigrants running around anymore now that they’ve been forced into hiding. I guess the only thing Elon could do to make me switch is to get robots doing the deportations because I am getting tired of impersonating an ICE officer.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stated that he thinks Musk might really be onto something here.

“Unlike South Africa the state of Israel has never abandoned the policies that once made South Africa great,” said the leader in between ordering the bombing of children’s hospitals. “Everyone in our society is nicely sectioned off into the corridors where they belong and Israelis are much happier for it. My only advice is that if someone does start opposing your party just be aware that polonium tea tends to fix all of your problems.”

At press time, Musk was seen dancing and singing along with an AI-generated hologram of Miley Cyrus announcing it’s “Apartheid in the USA.”

Guy in Desperate Need of Cheap Boner Pills Mistakenly Orders 8 Boxes of Powerman 5000 CDs

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local man Thomas Harper mistakenly ordered a large number of CDs by nu-metal band Powerman 5000 in a frenzied attempt to purchase boner pills, confirmed sources who have made that exact error in judgement.

“Okay, listen. There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs a little, or maybe even a large, amount of help in the ‘manhood department,’” Harper explained. “So I hope getting hung up on that won’t take away from the fact that I’m still suffering, but now as the owner of 800 CDs of ‘Tonight the Stars Revolt!’ Not to mention, I still can’t even get it up. You know how embarrassing it is to have people think you’re bonerless AND have shit taste in music? I wouldn’t wish it even on my most erection-deficient enemies.”

Powerman 5000 frontman Michael David Cummings, known professionally as Spider One, says his excitement towards his band’s rise in popularity was short-lived.

“For the first time in my life, I thought I could prove to my brother Rob (Zombie) that I wasn’t just riding his scraggly, flea-infested coattails and that people were finally coming around to truly appreciate Powerman 5000, a band name that many have mistaken for a product sold at GNC,” Cummings said. “But nope. Someone was just trying to buy pills to treat their erectile dysfunction again, goddamnit. I should just give up on the space-themed nu-metal shtick, and go into selling Viagra knockoffs, I imagine I’d be much richer and fulfilled.”

Nu-metal expert Derek “Monkeybone” Turner claims these types of mix-ups are unfortunately all too common in the scene.

“Normies just don’t get it. They didn’t when I was walking around the mall in JNCOs at age 13, and they still don’t when I do it at 41,” Turner said. “They’re always getting their boring, conformist, mundane stink all over our culture. Some asshole nearly brought Wayne Static back to life recently with how many Static-X albums he bought looking for something to remove the static electricity from his monkey suit. Slipknot were right, people do equal shit.”

At press time, Powerman 5000 were hopeful that a recent nostalgia for late ‘90s console games could be just what they needed to jumpstart their career.

I’m the Nu-Metal Ice Cream Truck Driver From Coal Chamber’s Self-Titled Album Cover, and I’m Pleased To Announce My New Expanded Menu

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Nu-metal really was a fantastically underrated genre, and society has suffered from it not being in the mainstream for the past two decades. Luckily, thanks to Gen Z and Tik Tok, we’re now experiencing a revival of sorts, which certainly works out in my favor. You see, I’m the nu-metal ice cream truck driver from Coal Chamber’s self-titled album cover, and I’m pleased to announce my new expanded menu.

Back when I was at my peak level of popularity, my services were woefully limited. I was young and inexperienced, and my only offering was forcing a View-Master that showed footage of Coal Chamber playing music onto people’s eyes as shown in the “Loco” music video. Unfortunately, this wasn’t generating the revenue stream that I had hoped, and I went out of business shortly thereafter. I won’t go into detail about how I’ve been able to stay afloat financially for the last 20 years, but suffice it to say going back to my old job will certainly be welcomed. Now I’m able to see the error of my past ways, and have made the necessary alterations to ensure I can make a living in my favorite vocation.

But here I am, back in business and ready to peddle my wares to an entirely new generation of down-tuned guitar and choker necklace enthusiasts. I’ve learned my lesson this time, and am proud to now offer Blue Bunny Big Dipper Vanilla Cones and Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake bars in addition to my signature line of bizarre visual assaults. You’re going to love these delicious goodies intertwined with my predatory advances! A good businessman adapts his products to match his customers’ ever-changing demands, and with these new items, I’m really hoping to stand apart from your typical nu-metal ice cream man. But don’t just take my word for it. I can’t wait for you to see for yourself!

So, given that my health permit from the State of Florida is still pending and highly unlikely to be approved, come on out and cool off with one of my sweet new treats before I inevitably get shut down for endangering the well-being of neighborhood children. Just don’t tell your parents about it!

Taylor Swift Thrilled to Have an Evening Free to Reply to All 75 Million Unanswered Instagram DMs

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

LOS ANGELES — Taylor Swift, the popular recording artist with a key supporting role in “The Lorax” (2012), was reportedly “stoked beyond belief” to have an obligation-free night to respond to all of the approximately 75 million direct messages that had been accumulating in her Instagram inbox “over the last year, if not decade,” confirmed sources.

“I’ve been meaning to do this forever. But songwriting and world tours always got in the way,” Swift said. “I was gonna do it one night, but then I got a call from Mom reminding me about [brother] Austin’s 30th birthday. A year later, I tried again. But then, I was embarking on what would eventually become the highest-grossing concert tour of all time. The more my phone lit up, the more daunting it became. But the important thing is that I’m doing something about it, even if I only manage to make a dent for now.”

Swift’s publicist, Tree Paine, admitted to feeling trepidation about the multi-platinum artist and holder of 118 Guinness World Records taking it upon herself to answer anonymous messages from strangers on her public social media account.

“We spent so much time perfecting this image of her as being simultaneously everyone’s best friend while also being mysterious beyond description,” Paine said. “And that’s easily undone when she’s replying to DMs at random and beginning each with ‘My sincerest apologies for not attending to this message sooner.’ I at least tried to suggest she not reply to the pornbots, but she just kept saying she wouldn’t ‘take the easy way out.’”

Catherine Foley, a “Swiftie for life and beyond,” reported a wide array of feelings in the wake of receiving a years-late reply from her idol.

“To be honest, I forgot I had DM’d her when the ‘Cats’ movie was first announced and said she was gonna win an Oscar for singing ‘Memories,’” Foley said. “And she sent me this huge reply thanking and gently correcting me and saying how a director with ‘precise aesthetic control’ could’ve made a masterpiece. I was beside myself, and I could tell she put a lot of thought into it. I keep trying to unlock some hidden message but nothing. Oh well, I’ve sent her like 200 DMs, so I’m sure it’s coming eventually.”

At press time, Swift went to bed at 2:30 a.m., vowing to answer the remaining 75,585,942, “on the next rainy day.”

Poly Woman Struggles to Find Different Group Chat to Bitch About Each Partner

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Polyamorous woman Leanne Farina is experiencing the struggle of finding a different group chat in which to bitch about each of her romantic partners, local reports confirmed.

“People always think being poly must be so hard. It’s really not much different than managing emotions in a monogamous relationship, where jealousy, triggers, and whose turn it is to wash the dishes are also something you have to navigate,” said Farina while doomscrolling her contacts list on her phone. “What is a struggle is not annoying the shit out of my friends every time one of my partners does something asinine. That’s truly the hardest part about the whole deal. You can’t overload one group chat with too much relationship talk. You’ve got to spread it out to avoid friendship fatigue.”

Matthew Fleming, friend of a poly person, shared what it’s like being in a group chat that fields complaints about multiple partners.

“It’s a real issue in the ‘friend of poly person’ community,” said Fleming. “It does get annoying and overwhelming, but, at the same time, I try to be sympathetic. We all deserve to complain about our boyfriends. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Not text people when he says he’s never heard of Steve Urkel? With whom are you to discuss what he could possibly have been doing with every ‘Did I do that?’ reference he’s encountered? So, as an ally, sometimes I pick up extra shifts and I’ll field complaints about Chris even though I’m a designated Nathan venter.”

Sandra Woods, an expert on Poly Sociology, spoke about how this issue arose and its wider implications.

“The research in this field continues to show that a struggle exists because while human romantic relationships have continued to evolve, group chats have stayed largely the same,” said Woods. “There are only group chat advancements every five years or so. The last, of course, being the Horny Chain Texts that go out on holidays and other special occasions. In order for a text-based support system to fulfill a person’s needs, there needs to be an evolution in the way group chats either operate or form. As it stands, you would need to be on bitching terms with 10-20 people just to satisfy group chat etiquette for five partners.”

As this issue continues to develop, reports say there is opportunity opening up for side gigs fielding relationship complaints as a poly person’s friend.

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