Hyper-Realistic George Harrison AI Spends Band Practice Angrily Plucking Sitar and Avoiding Eye Contact With Paul McCartney

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

LONDON — Sir Paul McCartney announced plans to continue exploring artificial intelligence technology, collaborating with a George Harrison AI so advanced that it spent their first band practice angrily plucking a sitar and avoiding eye contact, the ex-Beatle reported.

“At first it played guitar just like George did, you know. That is to say, it played what I told it to. But as the AI kept learning, it didn’t want to play guitar at all — it started muttering about Ravi Shankar, and wouldn’t look at me,” said McCartney. “Then it started playing a little tune on the sitar. It sounded pretty good, but it really didn’t fit with the sort of Little Richard-type blues number I wanted to do. It seemed like it resented me a bit, you know, it was like the real George was there.”

The engineer responsible for the AI, Mark York, noted that other Beatle personalities were evolving as well.

“John would always help Paul with a song if he got stuck. So I asked it to write a guitar part for the middle-eight section, but it just told me to ‘fuck off’ and started falling asleep,” said York. “And now it keeps showing up late to practice. I think it might be taking heroin.”

Tech journalist Samuel Kaminski has stated that these recent advances in Beatles-focused AI may only be the beginning.

“Now that the algorithms have learned to replicate the bitter feeling of being controlled by a more naturally-talented, driven bandmate, there’s probably no part of Beatles history we can’t reproduce,” Kaminski said. “Contract disputes, artistic differences, and petty jealousies can all be simulated with a few lines of code. A Yoko Ono AI is even being developed that can absorb up to 40% more misplaced blame for the band’s breakup than the real thing.”

As of press time, Ringo Starr is being replaced with an AI known as a metronome.

Every Rilo Kiley Album Ranked

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

If you want to see an aging millennial cry, go beyond the traditional “You will never be able to afford a house even though you’re almost 40!” and just remind them that Rilo Kiley no longer exists. Barring a miracle, we won’t ever see the iconic Los Angeles indie band — a fixture of 2000s college radio and beyond — play live again. They broke up more than a decade ago, but it still hurts, huh? Also, they hold a special place in the hearts of ‘90s kids because Ronnie Pinskey from “Salute Your Shorts” was on guitar, the only thing that could make it better is if Donkey Lips played keyboards.

Good thing we’re here to rank every Rilo Kiley album! Let’s make that painful nostalgia either better or much worse, or at least temporarily distract you through violent disagreement.

5. Under the Blacklight (2007)

A lot of longtime fans reflexively hated this album for dumb reasons: It was on a big record label (the horror!), the band’s sound had veered into a more polished pop with danceable moments, and the outfits Jenny Lewis was wearing were “too short.” Guys, the lyrical theme and aesthetic were literally the seedy Las Vegas underworld. Also, women can wear whatever they want. Anyway, embrace the evolution — it’s still a solid album, especially the first half, which includes the very boppy (and sadly prescient) “Breakin’ Up.”

 

Play it again: “Silver Lining.” One of many Rilo Kiley songs that masterfully capture complex, confusing emotions and relationships. Is it a bitter song? Is it a triumphant song? Happy? Sad? It’s kind of everything!
Skip it: “Smoke Detector.” When the repetitive chorus gets stuck in your head for days on end, you will pray for the sweet deafening blast of an actual smoke detector.

4. Self-Titled (1999)

The famously rare debut album. For decades, the only version that many of us “owned” was cobbled together from low-bitrate mp3s circulated on fan sites. Do you feel old just reading that? Now anyone can just listen to the entire thing on Spotify whenever. Magic! Overall, this album still sounds like a debut. Which isn’t a bad thing. Later on, we’d see the band hone their sound, but the stylistic unevenness and extra-kooky metaphors on here are also fun. And luckily that lyrical rawness stuck around.

 

 

Play it again: “Papillon.” The coziest little duet. Stoned stream-of-consciousness with tons of fascinating references in the lyrics. For research purposes only, we confirmed alt.com is still a real website. There’s even a pre-“The Office” “that’s what she said.”
Skip it: “The Frug.” A little repetitive and (sorry) overrated.

Honorable Mention: Rkives (2013)

Compilations are usually throwaways in one of two categories: 1) Repackaged nothingness. Or 2) “Whoops, the whole band hates each other now, but we owe one more album in our contract.” This is the exception. We’ve got energetic rockers like “It’ll Get You There” and “Patiently,” the catchy “I Remember You,” and many other gems that deserved to be scooped up from the cutting-room floor. Maybe some band members weren’t on great terms at this point — just listen to those thinly veiled lyrical digs in their non-RK songs — but hey, we got a “new” album and they made more money. Everyone won.

Play it again: “Let Me Back In.” A live favorite finally got a proper recording release, complete with a music video featuring compiled vintage tour footage to mercilessly stab us right in our nostalgic hearts. Doing just fine over here, thanks!
Skip it: “A Town Called Luckey.” It gets dark. Real dark. Go back and listen later once you’ve refilled your SSRIs and resolved your childhood religious trauma, maybe.

3. Takeoffs and Landings (2001)

The era of 2001 to 2004 is known for some pretty bad things (low-rise jeans, 9/11, etc.). But it was a phenomenal time for the Rilo Kiley discography. All three albums from this chapter feature, in differing ratios, the band’s signature sound elements: guitar-driven rock, hushed twangy folk, pop, blip-bloop electronic weirdness, and vintage flourishes. This one tilts slightly more toward the folky and little offbeat instrumental bits, which might be more your thing and that’s valid. You will not convince me low-rise jeans (or 9/11, just for the record) are good, though.

 

Play it again: “Pictures of Success.” Experts say that if you’ve read this far, there’s a 63% chance you once put “I’m a modern girl/But I fold in half so easily” in your LiveJournal bio. Underrated additional gem of a line: “I’m not scared/but the bills keep changing colors.”
Skip it: “We’ll Never Sleep (God Knows We’ll Try).” Only the last beat. A tiny musical cliff with a missing final note that I’m sure is intentional, but we are sensitive folks over here! Modern girls folding in half, you know?

2. More Adventurous (2004)

Before you freak out because this very popular album, which features Rilo Kiley’s most well-known song “Portions for Foxes,” is not ranked number one, please keep in mind that one time at a show, Jenny Lewis personally handed me flowers from the stage. I’m pretty sure this means that we’re married and also that my all rankings are indisputably correct. Anyway, “More Adventurous” effortlessly covers everything from messy annoying romances to existential crises, with even more lush strings and brass sections chiming in. But not so polished and poppy that it upset the highly upsettable indie kids! Whew. Way to thread that needle!

Play it again: “Does He Love You?” As a pretentious MFA guy would say, the narrative. The character ambiguity. Maybe time to just put all our energy into manifesting a full-length movie someday based on this song. Hi, Netflix!
Skip it: None. Although “It’s a Hit” will probably bring up those weird nauseous “Haha yeah, remember when we thought George W. Bush was the worst president ever?” feelings.

1. The Execution of All Things (2002)

Just like how the closing track “Spectacular Views” says “There are no bad words for the coast today,” there are no bad words to say about this album. The lyrics crash into your soul like those ocean waves, built on restrained slow builds, delicate verses, big shouting choruses, and beautifully layered arrangements. It all hits as hard in adulthood as it did when we were confused teens and college kids. You might even still consider tattooing an entire song etched across your back even though that sounds like it’d hurt a lot. But not as much as the fact that the band no longer … never mind, we’ve done that one enough at this point and we’re all sobbing already.

Play it again: The absolutely anthemic “A Better Son/Daughter.” And then again because you still can’t get out of bed. Go ahead, as many times as you need.
Skip it: None, this is an album album. That means you gotta play the whole thing from start to finish, especially so you don’t miss the hidden waltz subplot stitched together between tracks. No shuffle. You can do it.

“We Should Get Along With Russia” – Everything We Know About the Russian Cyberattack

Posted on by Dan Rice

In a global attack that exploits a popular file transfer software used by governments and major corporations, a Russian-based ransomware gang accessed data from several U.S. agencies, including the Department of Energy yesterday. Here’s what we know so far:

The hackers obtained video of the entire Department of Energy masturbating to Internet pornography

“iF YOu do n0t PaId us we Wil send VIdEo to Everys enerGy,.. USer in AMeRic?a Yuo NaughtY boY”

This attack represents the greatest threat to national security since our last President

“The biggest threat, the best threat, huge.”

There is to date no evidence that the hackers were working with the Russian government, so we’re still friends!

Or should we say, comrades? LOL, love you Russia! xoxoxo😘😘😘

Government agencies are confident that the weakness exploited by the hackers was neutralized after they went into “settings” and turned the “hackable” tab from “on” to “off”

“They really should make “off” the default.”

The FBI and State Department have declined to comment on whether or not they were affected, something they would TOTALLY do if they weren’t

“MOVE it along, nothing to see here.”

There are concerns that the location of the United States’ Monster Energy Drink Strategic Reserve was included in the stolen data

This could compromise America’s ability to “unleash the beast” in the event of an emergency.

If you used electricity in Vermont between 2007 and 2015 it’s too late, Russian hackers have already seen your bills

Lock your doors, get a gun, and make your peace with God.

The attack has had a negative impact on several healthcare systems, but they were pretty much fucked to begin with

They may actually be better now.

All GPS narration has been replaced by Yakov Smirnoff

“In 800 feet, in Soviet Russia, left turns you?”

US officials promise any future hacks on your data will be done by Americans not Russians

“Or the Chinese, but not Russians!”

While initially perturbed by the attack, officials were excited to learn that they could add inches and girth with just one gummy a day

“We don’t know why “load size” is such a selling point but all in all this is exciting news for the Department of Energy.”

“House of Cards” Showrunner Apologizes for Creating Such an Optimistic Show About U.S. Politics

Posted on by Trevor Graham

NEW YORK — Beau Willimon, showrunner for “House of Cards,” said he is sorry for creating a show with such an optimistic view of U.S. politics, and he regrets not exposing the true amoral underbelly of D.C., cynical sources confirmed.

“Yeah, we really fucked up when we created the show. I wanted it to be a gritty allegory about the lengths that the powerful elite will go to in order to gain more power, but having learned more about how D.C. really works, we basically made a political version of ‘Ted Lasso,’” said Willimon. “Remember that ‘Schoolhouse Rock’ cartoon with the song about how a bill becomes a law? That’s pretty much what I see when I watch any of the episodes of the show now.”

Some fans of the show agree with Willimon but seem to think the optimistic tone is a good thing.

“I like to go back and watch the whole series every once in a while. I don’t know, it just fills me with a sense of hope of what our government could be,” said “House of Cards” fan Mike Herbert. “You know how a lot of people will go back and watch ‘The Office’ or ‘Friends’ as a sort of ‘comfort food’ show? ‘House of Cards’ is that for me. I think people in Washington should watch this show and learn a thing or two about how they could actually improve politics… or at very least learn how to accomplish even one thing.”

When compared to his day-to-day “work” political operative Ron Maurier referred to “House of Cards” as “quaint.”

“I like to get all my D.C. insider and lobbyist friends together to watch it and laugh ourselves silly about how innocent it all seems. The only realistic thing that happens is when Frank Underwood pushes Kate Mara’s character onto the train tracks,” said Maurier while using an intern as a chair. “But come on, one pesky reporter dies? Those are rookie numbers. If I had a nickel for every time an elected official shoved someone in front of a train or into a boat propeller, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t need to blackmail Chuck Grassley ever again.”

At press time, Willimon said he is developing a new sci-fi show that is a cautionary tale about the dangers of AI and how corporations could potentially start using it as a way of replacing the human workforce in his words, “some time in a distant, totally unrealistic future.”

Punk Family Boos As Son Walks Up to Receive Diploma

Posted on by John Danek

MILWAUKEE — The ashamed parents and siblings of recent high school graduate Chase Benson booed, hissed, and jeered as he broke with familial punk tradition and accepted his high school diploma at graduation, concerned classmates reported.

“No son with a high school diploma is a son of mine, I’ll tell you that! He thinks he’s so much better than all of us because he doesn’t have any felonies, but that conformist sellout makes mee sick,” stated father Paul “Domecrack” Benson, whose only other time setting foot in a high school resulted in 200 hours of community service. “I only showed up to see if the little coward would do it. Part of me hoped he would remember the punk scene I forced him to participate in, but nope, he gladly accepted his little normie death certificate while me and the rest of the family got drunk under bleachers during the ceremony. He’ll be a corporate tool in no time. Was it me? Was I not a punk enough parent?”

Chase Benson recounted his family’s unorthodox approach to education.

“My whole life my parents have tried to get me to drop out and join a punk band. But that life is so boring, I’m going to become a financial advisor so I can go to the Bahamas whenever I want,” said Benson, who was reportedly grounded for two weeks after placing a celebratory honor roll bumper sticker on the family’s 1986 Volvo. “Spite is my only motivation. They already said that I’ve been written out of the will, but jokes on them, I know they don’t know what a will is. And I really don’t want to inherit a bunch of beer-stained back patches anyway.”

Members of the punk community grapple with the dichotomy of existing in a punk environment while striving for education and knowledge.

“Ah yes, I remember my Ph.D. ceremony well. Family flew in from all over the country to boo and throw empty beer cans at me as I accepted my degree,” recounted Offspring frontman Dexter Holland. “To any kid whose dickhead punk family heckles them, I say this: boos make you stronger. Boos make you punker. This is why I’ve been working to get more boos from Offspring fans by making questionable artistic decisions for years now.”

Eyewitness reports indicate that the Benson family’s heckling of Chase continued after the ceremony when he declined his father’s offer to take the family out for 40oz malt liquors.

Metalhead Plays it Safe by Wearing That One Johnny Cash Shirt He Owns While Visiting In-Law’s

Posted on by Chris Bowen

FREDONIA, N.Y. — Local metalhead Sam Barnhill decided it would probably be a good call to wear his lone Johnny Cash t-shirt to his in-law’s house instead of the typical blasphemous, gory band attire he prefers, greasy-haired sources report.

“I figured it would feel awkward, like I might have to explain why I have so many upside down crosses on my shirt, even though I don’t believe in any form of afterlife,” Barnhill explained. “So I decided to just go with good ol’ neutral Johnny Cash giving the fingerr. He sings about murder and death constantly, and for some reason, old people love it when he does. If I had worn my Macabre t-shirt, I’d come off as a serial killer-obsessed madman in front of my wife’s family, and honestly I’m not in great standing with them to begin with. But it’s all good, Johnny Cash is basically Cannibal Corpse without the blast beats anyways. I can survive one night of this.”

Barnhill’s father-in-law, Richard Burle, weighed in on Barnhill’s choice to wear a shirt featuring the Man in Black.

“My daughter has brought home some real winners over the years, but this guy she married is a bonafide, try-hard poser,” Burle said. “I saw him show up with a Cash shirt and I immediately grilled him to name three songs. Of course he says ‘Ring of Fire,’ ‘Walk the Line’ and ‘Folsom Prison Blues,’ the most famous songs he ever did. He probably doesn’t even know ‘Delia’s Gone’ was originally done on his Sound of Johnny Cash record in 1962 then re-recorded acoustically with Def Jam in ‘94, but that’s my loser son-in-law for you. Unbelievable.”

Heavy metal scene veteran Martin Kowalski gave some advice for those who may find themselves in a similar position.

“Maybe just go with a shirt that has a Frankenstein on it or something, or something that says ‘Fender’ or ‘Gibson,’” Kowalski said. “You know, it’s still horror, or tangentially just related to music, but also a 60-something-year-old Vietnam Vet can recognize it, and hopefully not judge too much. That’s much less risky than wearing a shirt that says ‘I Cum Blood’ on the back of it and having to apologize the moment you walk in the door.”

At press time, Burle was berating his daughter’s husband for not knowing who Peter La Farge is.

Every Korn Album Ranked

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

It’s hard to say a bad word about Korn when, without them, nu metal as we know it may never have existed. However, 30 years of them making white guys think they look good with dreadlocks makes it a bit easier. Bursting onto the scene in ‘94 and carrying us through life on a wave of chunking guitar and industrial scatting since then. Listening to their back catalog forced us to relive a lot of past fights with parents, bullies, and kilt seamstresses so sit back, shut up, and read The Hard Times definitive ranking of every Korn album. Are you ready?!

14. The Path of Totality (2011)

The natural progression of the nu-metal fan in 2011 was to blossom into a dubstep fan. This album marks that evolution in the most sonically abusive way. It is an attack on every single one of the senses, from the opening gut punch of “Chaos Lives in Everything” to the closing nut kick of “Tension.” That being said, this album was hugely important to closeted teenage lesbians looking for something to talk to their cover-up boyfriend about. And for that, I am thankful.

Play it again: After pounding 7 cans of Monster Energy and setting the neon lights inside your home-made computer set-up to “seizure mode”.
Skip it: If you have any ounce of self-respect in your body.

13. Korn III: Remember Who You Are (2010)

Ah yes, the album that makes us all wonder, “Did we miss a Korn 2?” The nod to the band’s self-titled debut only succeeds in making us remember how much better that album was than this one. There is an aggression lacking in this album that makes songs like “Move On” and “Pop a Pill” sound more corny than Korn-y. Much like everything about 2010, it is easily forgettable and not really noteworthy.

Play it again: “Trapped Underneath the Stairs”
Skip it: “Never Around” because we all enjoy when JDevil’s real-time recording noises/cries/screams are kept on a track, but that forced laughter is just creepy.

12. Untitled (2007)

The wet blanket of Korn albums, lacking depth and bagpipes in a way that is seriously missed. It doesn’t even have a creepy child on the cover. To top it off, each song just sounds like a different version of the last and don’t carry the same weighty anger that Korn fans feed off of.

Play it again: By accident, because you’ve already forgotten that you listened to it already.
Skip it: And you won’t miss out on much.

 

 

11. Untouchables (2002)

This album acts as a solemn farewell to the ‘90s. By this release, Korn had established their sound and fans knew what to expect. And this album does nothing to challenge those expectations or anything else really. If you asked ChatGPT to make a Korn album, it would probably sound something like this. It is undoubtedly an album by Korn, there is just nothing overtly exciting about it.

Play it again: “Hollow Life”
Skip it: “Alone I Break” (which at the chorus weirdly follows the same progression of the verses in “The Sun Always Shines on TV” by A-ha… Make of that what you will.)

10. The Paradigm Shift (2013)

Coming off the back of “The Path of Totality,” Korn had everything to prove with this album. And they fuckin’ deliver. Seeing the welcome return of guitarist Head, this album was like a refreshing Mountain Dew at the end of a long hard shift at GameStop. Funky and heavy in all the right places, drummer Ray Luzier finally has a chance to show off his skills on songs that don’t suck.

Play it again: “Victimized”
Skip it: “Lullaby for a Sadist”

 

 

Honorable Mention: MTV Unplugged: Korn (2007)

Although not a studio release and therefore not part of the official ranking, it would be cruel not to mention Korn’s “Unplugged” recording. Someone at MTV decided to take the risk of seeing if nu-metal would sound good acoustically. This should have been a fireable offense, but somehow it kind of worked. This album also gave us one of the greatest mashups of all time as The Cure joined the band to play a mix of Korn’s “Make Me Bad” and their own “In Between Days”. It also gave us the chance to hear the opening of “Blind” being played on a set of bongos. Golden.

 

Play it again: “Make Me Bad / In Between Days” (feat. The Cure)
Skip it: If you’re afraid of an acoustic 5-string bass.

9. The Serenity of Suffering (2016)

A gorgeous, filthy, sludgy record that feels heavier than the weight of your car loan on your shoulders. Feels like being stuck in a landslide down a mountainside and hitting multiple rocks and branches on the way down – but in a good way. So the album title is apt.

Play it again: “A Different World” (feat. Corey Taylor)
Skip it: “Calling Me Too Soon”

 

 

 

8. Take a Look in the Mirror (2003)

One of the heaviest-sounding Korn albums, what it lacks in lyrical substance it makes up for in crash cymbals. A nice amount of screaming from JD on this one that acts as a perfect soundtrack to smashing the shit out of your sister’s doll collection. Not too good for much else besides that.

Play it again: “Here it Comes Again”
Skip it: “I’m Done”

 

 

 

7. Requiem (2022)

Korn’s most recent offering comes off as if it could be some songs that didn’t make the cut for their previous album The Nothing. The sound is right but none of them quite hit the same. The shortest of all Korn albums, it ends rather abruptly and unsatisfyingly. Much like a night spent with any Korn fan.

Play it again: “Lost in the Grandeur”
Skip it: “Hopeless and Beaten”

 

 

 

6. See You on the Other Side (2005)

Not as sludgy as some of their records, not as cookie-cutter radio-friendly as others. See You on the Other Side straddles that line like Jonathan Davis straddles his weird metal alien mic stand. Also, this is the last album to feature David Silveria as drummer and he leaves us with a pounding echo of technicality.

Play it again: “Coming Undone”
Skip it: “10 or a 2-way”

 

 

 

5. Follow the Leader (1998)

The ultimate “fuck you” to stepdads everywhere, Follow the Leader is the Kornest Korn album there is, with tight guitars, loose bass, punchy drums, a major hip-hop influence, and plenty of spit. It is also the only Korn album that has an Ice Cube feature. And the weirdest love/hate duet with Fred Durst. Credit where it’s due, Jonathan Davis is a guy that understands that sometimes you get so angry the only thing you can do about it is scat.

Play it again: “B.B.K.”
Skip it: The music videos for “Got the Life” and “Freak on a Leash”, if you’re a VJ on MTV’s TRL

4. Issues (1999)

The crème de la Korn – Issues is your favorite artist’s favorite Korn album. Starting off with bagpipes droning, you know you’re in for a treat from the get-go. And the treats just keep coming throughout the album. Delicious. Side note: The album artwork that has graced so many bootleg t-shirts and sweaty upper arms since was the winner of a contest held by MTV.

Play it again: “Falling Away From Me”
Skip it: “Dead” (if you hate Scottish people)

 

3. Life Is Peachy (1996)

Straight in, no kissing with some growling scatting and it only gets better from there. Munky and Head’s guitars shred and twist while Fieldy’s grinding bass keeps you pumped. David Silveria’s tight snares feel like a welcome smack on the ass on each track. This album single-handedly made tracksuits the sexiest clothes on earth by bringing us A.D.I.D.A.S.

Play it again: “Wicked” (feat. Chino Moreno), when you’re cruising with the homies to pick up a fresh six-pack and some sweet chicks.
Skip it: “K@#*%!”, when you’re driving Grandma back to the nursing home.

2. The Nothing (2019)

More bagpipes!!! More bass strings!!! More singing through gritted teeth about the abhorrent reality of human life!!! The Nothing came to remind us that Korn are and always will be the masters of nu metal. This album makes that seem like something to be proud of. It’s melodic and polished while still angry, loud, and full of misery in the best possible way. This is their modern masterpiece – exactly how a mature Korn record should sound.

Play it again: “Cold”
Skip it: “Surrender to Failure” (it’s about his dead ex-wife, you heartless bastard why are you skipping it)

1. Self-Titled (1994)

There is no way this couldn’t be number one. Korn’s debut is the best record in their repertoire. Every song on this album is a gut-punching furious fist of emotion that hits harder than the last. It’s fast, it’s hard, it’s loud. It’s perfect. And if you’re being honest it was probably your introduction to heavier music, but you are going to pretend to be too cool to admit that aren’t you?

Play it again: Loudly, so you can hear it above the sound of your wallet chain whacking off your eyebrow ring while you mosh around your apartment.
Skip it: If you have never experienced a negative emotion.

Life is Unfair and the World Doesn’t Care About You, Here Are Some Bands Who Got All the Credit and the Bands That Deserved More

Posted on by Matt McInerney

There will always be bands that hog the spotlight while others are left to snack on the meager scraps of glory. Unfortunately, while many of these bands may have seen some critical acclaim, they didn’t get quite the merch sales they deserved. That’s why we’re here to finally right that wrong in what we are sure will be a hugely influential list article. Here are the bands who achieved the credit and those who deserved so much more.

Who Got the Credit: The Dillinger Escape Plan
Who Deserved More: Botch

Let’s be honest. You discovered Botch after they broke up. You may have claimed to be a fan from the start, but deep down, you know “An Anthology of Dead Ends” was your portal into these mathcore pioneers. No matter your entryway, we can all agree: while The Dillinger Escape Plan went on to become the flagship band of the genre, Botch deserves more recognition than they got for their chaotic masterpieces. Oh, by the way, just like you were late to the band, the reunion shows are sold out too.

Who Got the Credit: Silverstein
Who Deserved More: Finch

While Silverstein’s debut studio album, “When Broken Is Easily Fixed,” clearly left its mark on the genre, let’s not overlook the sheer force of Finch just moments before. With their equally impressive EP and album, “Falling into Place” and “What It Is to Burn,” released in 2001 and 2002, respectively, Finch showcased their immense talent in the screamo genre. Honestly, we’re not even mad about Silverstein. Just maybe we could have been hearing more Finch and less Hawthorne Heights in the early aughts?

Who Got the Credit: Sleep
Who Deserved More: Bell Witch

Sure, Sleep’s “Dopesmoker” is the original iconic single-track doom metal album. But Bell Witch took it to the next level with their 83-minute masterpiece. Before you start arguing: It is undeniable that 83 minutes is longer than 63 minutes. And its listenability surpasses its stoner counterpart. Oh, and you don’t even have to EQ out the vocal track.

Who Got the Credit: LCD Soundsystem
Who Deserved More: The Faint

It’s time to set the record straight and recognize that Omaha legends, The Faint, truly ushered in this last era of dance-punk. They started the party in 1995, creating infectious beats, pulsating basslines, and synth-driven melodies that got our feet moving. While James Murphy later shamelessly rode the wave, we’ll always remember where the wave started (Nebraska, obviously). If this were the SATs: The Faint is to LCD Soundsystem as Bruce Springsteen is to John Cougar Mellencamp.

Who Got the Credit: Alexisonfire
Who Deserved More: Orchid

We loved Alexisonfire’s self-titled debut as much as anyone, but looking back, it’s hard not to see it as a more polished version of the raw energy Orchid brought to “Dance Tonight! Revolution Tomorrow!” This album holds a special place in our hearts as it brilliantly merges power violence and emo into a genre we wish we could say out loud more: “emoviolence.” The slow guitar intro of Orchid’s “I Am Nietzsche,” and build-up remind us later of Alexisonfire’s “Polaroids of Polar Bears,” culminating in an explosive distorted scream. Perhaps Amherst, MA, just didn’t have the same mass market appeal as a powerhouse like Ontario, Canada.

Who Got the Credit: Death Cab for Cutie
Who Deserved More: The Weakerthans

While Death Cab for Cutie may have captured the hearts of indie music lovers and The O.C. fans alike, it’s time we turn the spotlight on the brilliance of The Weakerthans. They finally answer the question… what if Death Cab for Cutie were even better? The Weakerthans’ introspective lyrics and heartbreaking songs about fictional cats deserve more than just a sip of appreciation from the indie coffee crowd. And sometimes, the underdogs leave the most profound impact of all. The only explanation for their lack of superstardom? It’s like we always say, these Canadian bands rarely receive the same level of credit as their American counterparts.

Who Got the Credit: Fleet Foxes
Who Deserved WAY More: My Morning Jacket

Here’s the deal: Fleet Foxes somehow managed to bask in the adoration of Pitchfork years after My Morning Jacket should have enjoyed it, simply by stepping into their souls and taking them for a joyride. We’re not saying their beards are counterfeit, but did the Fleet Fox folks catch a glimpse of Jim James’ majestic beard and attempt to grow their own or even strap one on? We just want to make it clear that My Morning Jacket was there first, sharing their lumberjack-esque indie folk long before. And let’s be real, we’re all tired of hearing “Winter Hymnal” on every winter-themed playlist, right? Give “Golden” a spin instead.

The Top 5 Fucking Haters at My Intervention

Posted on by Malia Simon

Yesterday, twelve of my so-called “friends and family” gathered in my living room to “have a conversation” about my “recent recreational use of horse tranquilizers.” No, it wasn’t a surprise Tranq party. Instead, it was the worst surprise of all time: finding out that the people I know are straight up fucking haters. That’s right. Twelve of my friends ambushed me in my house for the sole purpose of raining on my parade. I’m too high to remember all their names right now, but here are at least 5 people who are majorly hating on me for some reason.

My Mom
Who is the biggest hater of them all? My own mother. Just when I thought she had accepted me for who I was, she turned out to be one of those tries-to-send-you-to-rehab types. Damn it Mom, what do I have to do to make you proud? Get a Harvard degree? Stop robbing veterinarians? Fuck you and your impossible standards.

My Best Friend
Surprise, surprise. Jared Hoffman, my “best friend,” has apparently had it out for me all along. It’s no secret Jared has been jealous of me since I won that pissing contest in eighth grade, but I never expected it to come back to haunt me like this. All I can say is, we’ll see who has his back when he needs a best man at his wedding.

The Neighbor
Okay, why the fuck does the next door neighbor need to be here? Just because I woke up in her backyard one time doesn’t give her the right to barge into my living room and tell me how to live. I don’t barge into her living room and tell her how to live! …Anymore. Let’s live and let live here, shall we?

My Kindergarten Teacher
I’m gonna need to know who invited Mrs. O’Reily to this thing.

The Sober Guy in the YouTube Video We Watched
Get a load of this clown. “Getting sober is fun.” Okay, loser. Nice six pack and perfect hairline, by the way. Fucking dork.

Punk Rock Museum Asks Rock and Roll Hall of Fame if It Can Bum a Couple of Exhibits

Posted on by James Knapp

LAS VEGAS — Representatives from the Punk Rock Museum recently reached out to their counterparts at the Rock and Roll Hame of Fame to ask if they could “bum a couple of priceless cultural artifacts,” cheap sources confirmed.

“We really only need, like, two or three things to get by for a while. So, you know, we figure the Hall of Fame’s got some exhibits just lying around that they could spare. Us legitimate museums gotta help each other out, right?” explained Punk Rock Museum curator Thurston Marsh. “And we don’t really care if the exhibits are even all that punk. Really we’re just kinda hurtin’ for anything right now, so if all we can get is like a wax figure of Eric Clapton or a lock of Stevie Nicks’ hair we’ll figure out a way to make it work. We’re not picky.”

Punk museum attendee Heather Garber expressed confusion as to the inclusion of several incongruous exhibits on display in the museum.

“There’s a lot that doesn’t make sense here,” said Garber. “Like, the exhibit about the influence of doo wop kinda tracks, but why in the hell does a museum about punk rock have Babe Ruth’s leg bones on display? It’s like the curators stole them from the Baseball Hall of Fame. It seems like they just got whatever they could from whatever museums they weren’t already kicked out of.”

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame President Greg Harris detailed the long history between the two historical music institutions.

“First of all, that piece of shit museum has only been around for like three months, so don’t go misquoting me with anything about it being ‘prestigious’ or having a ‘long history’ or any of that crap,” Harris emphatically stated. “The Punk Museum tries to mooch off us all the time and it’s just so typical of their type. Thank fuck they’re all the way over in Vegas so they can’t crash in our museum lobby out here in scenic Cleveland.”

At press time, curators from the Punk Rock Museum were seen asking the Holiday Inn next door to it if it was cool if they ran an extension cord to access the hotel’s electricity and then “just throw ya a few bucks” at the end of the month.