CHICAGO — Upon news of Spirit Airlines officially shutting down, Delta, United, and American Airlines reaffirmed their commitment to consistently raising their prices while making their customers’ flying experience increasingly awful, confirmed sources.
“Finally, Spirit’s closure has given us the opportunity to earn customers’ loyalty by being one of their only options,” stated Delta CEO Ed Bastian. “We’re considering some new, innovative tiered pricing options — for example, in addition to paying for Wi-Fi, customers could have the opportunity to pay for a more qualified pilot. Thrifty customers who do not consider safety a priority can opt to pay a smaller fee for a pilot with less training, or perhaps one with a few violations on their record. We’re also charging a $50 fee if the customer wants to avoid having a fellow passenger sit on their lap during the entirety of the flight.”
Customers are thrilled to rise above the riff-raff as they take to the skies while paying ever exorbitant prices for steadily more uncomfortable experiences.
“I’ve already adapted to paying for a checked bag, carry-on, seat choice, food, drink, and in-flight headphones. Perhaps I could pay for selecting hot or cold air blowing from the air vents, and if I don’t pay, it randomly selects for me,” said Loyal United MilagePlus customer Steven Muskcard. “As a moderately successful businessman, I hope to have the pleasure of paying more for standing up, sitting down again, or using the bathroom, which of course will be slowly deteriorating in both amenities and cleanliness.”
Free market expert and economist Eldon Parker believes Spirit’s recent shutdown can only help customers pay more for fewer, more terrible options.
“Nothing improves service like less competition and decreased regulation,” Parker noted. “American Airlines has been tossing around the idea of charging extra for flight attendants to acknowledge your existence, and obviously the rate would go up during emergencies. Personally, I’m thrilled to see what they come up with, although I won’t experience them directly because I only fly via private jet.”
At press time, Southwest Airlines revealed that they’re considering charging customers for “stopped plane boarding” where frugal travelers can simply jump aboard as the plane touches down momentarily on the tarmac.
