MILWAUKEE — The ashamed parents and siblings of recent high school graduate Chase Benson booed, hissed, and jeered as he broke with familial punk tradition and accepted his high school diploma at graduation, concerned classmates reported.
“No son with a high school diploma is a son of mine, I’ll tell you that! He thinks he’s so much better than all of us because he doesn’t have any felonies, but that conformist sellout makes mee sick,” stated father Paul “Domecrack” Benson, whose only other time setting foot in a high school resulted in 200 hours of community service. “I only showed up to see if the little coward would do it. Part of me hoped he would remember the punk scene I forced him to participate in, but nope, he gladly accepted his little normie death certificate while me and the rest of the family got drunk under bleachers during the ceremony. He’ll be a corporate tool in no time. Was it me? Was I not a punk enough parent?”
Chase Benson recounted his family’s unorthodox approach to education.
“My whole life my parents have tried to get me to drop out and join a punk band. But that life is so boring, I’m going to become a financial advisor so I can go to the Bahamas whenever I want,” said Benson, who was reportedly grounded for two weeks after placing a celebratory honor roll bumper sticker on the family’s 1986 Volvo. “Spite is my only motivation. They already said that I’ve been written out of the will, but jokes on them, I know they don’t know what a will is. And I really don’t want to inherit a bunch of beer-stained back patches anyway.”
Members of the punk community grapple with the dichotomy of existing in a punk environment while striving for education and knowledge.
“Ah yes, I remember my Ph.D. ceremony well. Family flew in from all over the country to boo and throw empty beer cans at me as I accepted my degree,” recounted Offspring frontman Dexter Holland. “To any kid whose dickhead punk family heckles them, I say this: boos make you stronger. Boos make you punker. This is why I’ve been working to get more boos from Offspring fans by making questionable artistic decisions for years now.”
Eyewitness reports indicate that the Benson family’s heckling of Chase continued after the ceremony when he declined his father’s offer to take the family out for 40oz malt liquors.