Every Character From “The Office” Ranked by How Much I Want Them In My Misfits Cover Band

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Halloween is creeping up on us faster than you might expect and that spooky holiday means two things: free candy and Misfits cover bands. Since I’m a full grown adult I have trouble convincing my neighbors to give me sweet treats. They say “You’re too old for this,” “You’re scaring all the kids,” and “We are calling the police.” Since candy is off the table it’s time for me to start recruiting talent for a Misfits cover band. I already have the perfect name, it’s Teenagers From Mars. Do NOT steal that.

I realized I’ve alienated most of my actual friends, so I have to recruit my band from a talent pool that is with me all the time in my basement apartment. That is of course the cast of “The Office.” So who is going to make the cut. Read on.

(For clarity,  this is not every single person to ever appear on the show. They are people with speaking roles that appeared in more than one episode.)

56.  Angela Martin

Putting Angela in a Misfits cover band would be musical malpractice. There is no way she would be on board with the “Dead cats hanging from poles” line, and not to mention she’s openly Christian so she would get pretty uptight about all the demon references.

55. Robert California

I’m not going to lie, on paper Robert California is a good candidate for this band. He’s charismatic, probably knows a guy that can do merch for cheap, and knows about spooky stuff, but there is one big problem. This isn’t a Graves-era cover band. No replacement players. Keep moving Bobby.

54. Cathy Simms

Cathy is one of the most hated characters in the history of the show. I just can’t be associated with her.  I’m already on thin ice after I backed my car into my neighbor’s pool and then left without telling anyone. Being seen with Cathy is a death sentence.

53. Robert Lipton

Being an elected official already rules you out of being a part of this project. I’m going to need full dedication, I want someone that is willing to quit their job so we can make sure we know “Where Eagles Dare” backward and forward. There is no way a politician would be willing to work that hard for one night of glory.

52. Brian Wittle

This man can’t be trusted. He might be a solid worker and a great bandmate, but in the back of my head I’ll keep thinking he’s just using the band to get close to my wife so he can steal her away. Now it’s true that I don’t have a wife, or a girlfriend, and I haven’t felt the touch of a woman in over a decade. But still.

51. Nick

I don’t even know why I hate this guy, but I do. He just looks like the type of guy that would tell me about all the movies that Misfits songs reference. Newsflash buddy, I don’t give a rip. Stay away from me and stay inside on Halloween you creep.

50. Katy Moore

There is no way that someone who names “Legally Blonde” as their favorite movie is going to know anything about the Misfits. Plus, there is no way she’s going to be willing to dye her hair black and wear a devilock.

49. Rolf Ahl

Rolf is a loose cannon, and that might seem like a decent quality you want in a punk bandmate. But I don’t want to be on stage, in front of tens of people on our big night and have somebody smash me in the head with a stage monitor because I suggest we skip playing “20 Eyes.”

48. Charles Miner

Charles has all the physical attributes I want in a band member, mainly it’s someone who is big and could easily beat the crap out of anyone who makes fun of our tight pants. But Charles is a corporate shill, I want someone willing to quit their job so they can dedicate their life to this important project.

47. Irene

She might be the closest in age to the real-life Misfits and since she lives in Florida she probably has some of the same politics. But I don’t want to have to worry about one of our members breaking a hip mid-set.

46. Clark Green

Clark is the type of guy that would be like “You play in a Misfits cover band? Yeah, I listened to them when I was 12 then I grew up.” And then he would talk about how underrated Guided by Voices is for the next two hours.

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Humanitarian Show-Goer Buys Opening Band’s Merch

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local show-goer and humanitarian Eric Stevenson displayed a level of altruism never before seen at a punk show when he bought merchandise from opening ska-punk band “Sproingus” late last night, confirmed multiple sources who remain blown away by his generosity.

“Like a lot of people, I had no interest in the opening band. They played a six-minute set and two of their songs were covers, but I wanted to show them I appreciated their effort,” said Stevenson. “When I saw they actually had merch they were trying to sell I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, not just for them, but for everyone in the venue. It was like seeing those dogs in the Sarah McLaughlin commercials. You just know those opening acts aren’t being treated right. I doubt the venue is even giving them drink tickets. They could asphyxiate.”

Sproingus’ frontman Alex Cromwell was nearly in tears talking about Stevenson’s patronage.

“We’ve been playing living room shows and crouching room-only venues in North Carolina for a few months now,” said Walsh. “It’s always been a real struggle. And opening for an act as big as Bodyshot Wonderland is always gonna be daunting. There was a crowd of… maybe two dozen people there. And none of them came to see us. But when that man left our merch table with one of our shirts and a copy of our demo tape, it made me remember that there is good in this world after all. He even said he would help us get our songs on Spotify, maybe he’s a guardian angel.”

Stevenson’s generosity has also caught some international attention, with Swedish Nobel Committee member Ingmar Halström.

“In an increasingly self-focused world, it is refreshing on par with baptism to know that the milk of human kindness still flows in people like Mr. Stevenson,” said Halström. “In my mind, he should be a top contender for the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean, in my mind, there are only two great activists in the world right now: Greta Thunberg and Eric Stevenson. You can argue against it, but I’d remind you, Henry Kissinger has a Nobel Peace Prize. And Kissinger has never bought from an opening band a day in his life, I can tell you that.”

At press time, Stevenson is preparing to lead a pledge drive with fellow music-based humanitarian Bono, the proceeds of which will go directly to benefitting bands that have opened for U2 over the years.

Every Shellac Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

Shellac of North America, a band composed of more professional recording engineers than not, have only released five full-length albums in over 30 years together. They obviously aren’t concerned with the plight of serious journalists trying to hit a minimum word count while judging and comparing their albums from an unearned position of authority. Well, fuck them. We won’t bother telling you about their singles, “friends-only” release, or the excellent compilation of Shellac’s John Peel sessions. We won’t unload the unwarranted baggage that comes with covering “Steve Albini’s band.” We’ll just rank the album that opens with a 12-minute-long boring-ass song in the bottom slot and call it a win.

5. Terraform (1998)

That fucking song. You can see how it happened – some fan of theirs told them “I could listen to that rhythm section all day” and they said “No problem!” Look, if you were forced to spend a day with a rhythm section you want it to be this one – but to single out one song on a Shellac album as unusual is so contradictory you might think we just used it as an easy excuse to put something in last place. The prog-rock “Tomorrowland” cover art doesn’t help either, so we’ll blame that too.

Play it again: “Copper”
Skip it: “Didn’t We Deserve a Look at You the Way You Really Are”

4. Dude Incredible (2014)

The title track that kicks off Shellac’s most recent full-length is perhaps the trio at their most “normal rock band,” even with the 7/4 time and story about a family of horny gibbons or whatever. Much of the rest is obsessed with surveyors – disgraced Colonial soldier George Washington was a surveyor, the mayor of Chicago is a surveyor, there’s even an instrumental that’s somehow about doing surveys. How likely are you to recommend this album to a friend? Less so with each passing song about surveys.

Play it again: “Dude Incredible”
Skip it: “You Came in Me”

3. Excellent Italian Greyhound (2007)

Now this is cover art! Uffizi, the eponymous superb pooch, looks pleased as punch to be posed amongst prop produce on the album’s cover. Like the cutie-pie canine, Shellac can seem a bit chilled out on this record – “Kittypants” is the loveliest goddamn thing – but you’re not safe yet. Some of this fruit and veg has gone off, and it won’t be long until this stellar pupperino gets tired of sitting around and leaves us to sit alone with the rot. Guest appearances include Strong Bad, so the album is a little dated.

Play it again: “Be Prepared”
Skip it: “Boycott”

2. At Action Park (1994)

To refer to “At Action Park” as a seminal noise record is a little tired at this point, and there are far too many mentions of cum in Shellac’s lyrics to be comfortable referring to anything in this piece as “seminal.” This band emerged from the womb fully formed presenting a song-as-concept approach to guitar rock; one that flips off and makes perverse any attempts to add concepts to the established song structure. You absolutely cannot fake this.

Play it again: “Song of the Minerals”
Skip it: “Boche’s Dick”

1. 1000 Hurts (2000)

Imagine releasing an album in 2023 and starting it off with a guest vocal from Taylor Swift. That’s almost at the level of starting your 2000 album with the crooning tones of Philip Baker “Jimmy Gator” Hall, and that move alone gets “1000 Hurts” the top spot. Deadly songs about JFK, squirrels, shoes and watches work as hard as they can to ensure the victory. The drums are Jovian and the bass is dirtier than a shit farmer’s boots. The steelwork guitar slashes constantly at your throat – never more than when mourning a recently departed mother. Perfect.

Play it again: “Mama Gina”
Skip it: Any cover of “Prayer to God”

Opinion: College Admissions Should Only Be Based on Merit and Who Your Parents Are

Posted on by Doug Kolic

The Supreme Court finally did the right thing and struck down the unjust policy of Affirmative Action in college admissions. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, getting into a top Ivy League school should absolutely only be based on grades, merit, and who your rich alumni parents are.

Allowing race as a factor into admissions was a detriment to our education system and a disservice to our entire society. Or so the guys down at the country club keep telling me. I actually don’t know much about this topic past what my acquaintances down at The Eagle’s Nest have said, but I have no reason to doubt them when they insist this ruling is a very good thing for us. Having a university composed of only the best and brightest, coupled with a solid contingent of below average students with sick alumni pedigree, is what this country is all about.

Some people may think I had an unfair advantage getting admitted just because my grades were, as one councillor used to say, “dog shit”. But even though I got in doesn’t mean it was easy. Competition was very fierce, even for a legacy admin. I thought I’d be a shoo-in based on the fact my parents generously donated some of my great-grandfather’s suspiciously obtained wealth to build the school a shiny new rotunda. But just my luck, half the other kids on my high school rowing team also got their families to donate some type of weird ass building to the school.

They say dropping race as a qualifier will even out the playing field for students with higher test scores, and those students with lower test scores but very familiar last names, namely people like me. It’s time for a return to the good old days when the student body only contained the country’s top brains and the offspring of former VIP grads who like to kick it in their Jeeps instead of going to class.

Allowing a more diverse campus is a slippery slope. What’s next, a diverse Wall Street or Silicon Valley? And at whose peril? My dumber younger brother, that’s who. His grades are even worse than mine so my parents will probably have to sell one of their vacation properties just to get the little shit in.

Carpe Diem!

Drummer Extremely Embarrassed at Poor Whack-A-Mole Performance

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

YUMA, Ariz. — Local mathcore drummer Elmore Verrichek is exceedingly humiliated at his inability to master the rhythms of an arcade whack-a-mole machine, sources confirmed while pointing and snickering.

“One of the other guys I play with in Used Clown Car invited me to his little sister’s birthday party at the pizza arcade, and I knew the minute I saw that machine, everyone was going to want the ‘fancy drummer’ to grab the mallet and wow everyone. Suddenly all my years of lessons were out the window as I tried and failed to hit that little fucker just once,” said a flushed Verricheck, as veins bulged from his forehead. “Just when I thought I got a feel for the pattern, he’d pop up out of a hole I wasn’t even looking at, with that evil grin on his face. I even tried grabbing my own sticks from the car, but that just made me look dumber.”

8-year-old birthday girl Zoraida Carillo shared her dismay, but for a different reason.

“My brother’s friend ruined my party! Why couldn’t he just play the game like a normal guy? Why did he have to be so stupid and weird? He was kicking the machine and yelling at the moles while I was blowing out my candles and making my wish,” whined Carillo, clutching a brand new teddy bear. “What if that jerk gets my wish because he was screaming that the machine ate his tokens louder than I was wishing?? I want a do-over with no lame guys allowed!”

Arcade game manufacturers at Primetime Amusements report that the musician’s terrible ability is no mere coincidence.

“Oh, we love to screw around with pretentious percussionists. That’s why I got into the business, frankly. Just because a fella can keep time on songs in 13/8 doesn’t mean he can anticipate where our little furry friend is going to pop up next. We program the shit out of these babies to ensure it,” said Primetime Amusements’ head technician Kimmy Tedeschi. “It’s the same software that makes real guitar players so god-awful at Guitar Hero and Rockband. It’s just our way of doing a public service, since they make the world suffer through their unlistenable ‘technically proficient’ music.”

At press time, Verrichek was notified that he had been kicked out of Used Clown Car in favor of a more talented new drummer, Pasqually P. Pieplate of the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic stage show.



Terrified Greg Graffin Promises to Change Name to “Good Religion” If Plane Survives Turbulence

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Bad Religion frontman and former atheist Greg Graffin promised God that he would change his band’s name to Good Religion if his flight from Chicago survived its brief bout with turbulence, braver fellow passengers report.

“I swear we dropped 400 feet in one second, holy shit. Whoops, I shouldn’t be cussing anymore. Anyways, it was so scary,” admitted a shaken Graffin, who has already contacted the band’s graphic designer to remove the red bar from their logo. “Longtime fans may not be on board, but I’m a man of my word. I’m also now a man of The Word. God delivered me from certain death, and I will praise him. But don’t worry, we’ll still play stuff off ‘Suffer’ and ‘No Control.’”

Other passengers on American Airlines flight AA512 from Chicago to Los Angeles didn’t share Graffin’s experience of terror.

“There was a tiny bit of turbulence, but all in all it wasn’t too bad. That guy was freaking the fuck out though,” reported Jake Erwin, who used the flight to nap and revisit some of his favorite episodes from “The Office.” “The moment the plane started barely shaking, that dude’s voice went up two octaves with these pathetic little yelp sounds. Then he was loudly whispering ‘Dear God save me, oh I’m so sorry for talking so much shit- I mean poop. Please, I’ll convert!’ It’s like, chill bro- just pop a Xanax like I do.”

God, the eternal and omnipotent creator of all that is seen and unseen, expressed reservations at recruiting the former atheist musician.

“I was actually trying to scare a different passenger into reconciling with her father before he dies of cancer, not get some preachy political punk singer to sign up for church,” said God in a statement through his prophet Andy Dick. “I’m more of a metal fan. Have you heard the new Behemoth? It’s sick. Anyways, I’m not going to test Greg for years; hopefully the atheism will come creeping back in and this will all be forgotten.”

Rumors are circulating that the members of Good Religion are experiencing creative tension at Graffin’s insistence on renaming their 2007 album “New Maps of Heaven.”

Every Isis Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Ken Taro

Isis, perhaps better known as “Isis + Band” when you Google them now because of that other unfortunately-named group, released 5 post-metal auditory journeys that set the bar for everyone in the scene from Rosetta to Pelican. In fact, Isis isn’t just a post-metal band, they are THE post-metal band. Honestly, on any given day, almost any of their five full-length albums could hit the apex. I’ll be watching you from every angle in the Panopticon while you read this and shake your head in disappointment. Oh well.

5. Celestial (2000)

Isis popped out this debut before they really found their own sound; that special noise that makes you think you’re walking on Mars, traversing through the jungle, or traversing through a jungle on Mars. Although this comes across more as a mid-tier homage to Neurosis rather than the four masterpieces that follow, there is plenty of substance to hold your attention. From the opening riff of “Deconstructing Towers,” you instantly feel as if you want to join a demolition crew and start swinging a sledgehammer into random buildings. This song will get your blood pumping and make you headbutt a cactus. The biggest problem with this record is that it isn’t “Panopticon,” “In the Absence of Truth,” or “Oceanic.”

Play it again: “Celestial (The Tower) “
Skip it: Any of the songs with “SGNL” in the title. All of them are less than a minute long, except for one, and we know Isis doesn’t really get cooking unless the track hits 7+ minutes.

4. In the Absence of Truth (2006)

This effort stepped away significantly from their past gritty entries and instead leaned on a slick and smooth performance instead. As they shied away from early Cult of Luna territory and leaned more into Explosions in the Sky country here, the quality didn’t suffer. Aaron Harris’ drumming is absolutely hypnotic to the point where you will feel as if you are in a trance for the majority of the hour then you come out of it realizing you robbed a liquor store, but just for the beef jerky so it’s not that bad. Anyway, it’s Harris’ best performance as he steals the show for sure, along with the ethereal, electronic soundscapes. This is a shiny re-birth for Isis; perhaps it’s the only set of melodies you can listen to comfortably in business casual clothes.

Play it again: “Dulcinea,” “Garden of Light”
Skip it: “All Out of Time, All Into Space”

3. Oceanic (2002)

I can confidently say this is their breakthrough album. It’s everything “Celestial” wanted to be, and bassist Jeff Caxide’s booming sound repeatedly wears out his strings to make that abundantly clear. Rarely does an album bookend itself with the best tracks, but Isis manages to do that here. It knocks you on your ass from the first second and keeps you there until the last one. This 9-song collection could easily go second, or even first. Hell, it would be the best album for a lot of groups out there. But honestly, what choice do I have considering their next two productions?

Play it again: “The Beginning and the End”, “Hym”
Skip it: “Untitled”

2. Wavering Radiant (2009)

What would a good album ranking do without causing a little controversy? While every Isis fan will probably eviscerate me for putting this album above “Oceanic,” I think it is justified. They took the best from their previous work and weaved them seamlessly together here, where the clean textures of “In the Absence of Truth” complement the powerful chugs from “Oceanic.” Together, every one constructed a perfect swan song; they definitely went out on top. When the last song, and thus their musical career, ends, you want nothing more than Aaron Turner to wrap you in a blanket cocoon and rock you gently back and forth while the two of you sway together in a rocking chair.

Play it again: “20 Minutes/40 Years”, “Threshold of Transformation”
Skip it: “Wavering Radiant”, the album title song, just because “Stone to Wake a Serpent” is so awesome that you want to get to it as quickly as possible.

1. Panopticon (2004)

Come on. Was there any other choice here? Well, yes, actually. Every Isis album except for “Celestial” has a case for being at the top. In fact, they definitely all have been my favorite album at some point. Still, I consider this to be their magnum opus. If you listen to one post-metal album in your entire life, make it this one. Aaron Turner’s throaty gusts immediately set the tone from “So Did We” to “Grinning Mouths.” Even when you can’t understand his lyrics, you can tell that Isis means business here. This stroke of perfection has something for every Isis fan. If you don’t agree, there is definitely something wrong with you.

Play it again: Tracks 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 (then repeat)
Skip it: Any conversation where the person disagrees that Isis is the best post-metal band.

Sad! This Album in the Used Section by a Band No One’s Ever Heard of is Autographed

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Ugh, what a bummer! While flipping through the used vinyl at my local record store with endless copies of The Beatles, Supertramp, and that one Billy Joel album that seems to always be in every dollar bin, I came across an album by some band called “The Stockpile Gang” that has been autographed by every member for some reason.

Who the fuck are these guys? Did they actually have some sort of following at one point? Curious, I flipped it over to the back side to see a grainy black and white photo of the band in what looks like an alley while drinking beers and holding their unplugged instruments. Okay, so maybe they were a real band but people wanted their autographs?

Examining it further I notice the album, which is titled “Cuttin’ to the Bone”, came out in 1992 which was a weird time period for music. These guys could’ve either been some kind of indie post-grunge, funk metal, or possibly even ska. None of which are any type of band anyone would ever want an autograph from.

I pulled out my phone to look them up. It’s a slight breach of etiquette in the used record store world but still acceptable. Nope, they’re not on Spotify, definitely nothing for them on Wikipedia, but maybe most shocking of all… not even on Discogs! A band with an autographed record doesn’t even manage to get added to fucking Discogs? What is this world?

Suddenly, it hits me — For the past 30 years, this album has been out there in the world floating around from used record store to thrift market to yard sale exchanging hands at $2.99 per transaction, and probably has never actually been played. And that really got me down.

Here is an album of almost certainly terrible music whose creators Mike Stryker, Don “Pizazz” Parler, Drek, and Jeff L. all personally signed making it what one would assume an actual valued and cherished item for…someone. And it really started to make me question the nature of the intrinsic value we attribute to an autograph, and what it means to be yet another consumer of physical media relics from a bygone era of — Oh Shit! Is that a first pressing of Misfits’ “Walk Among Us” right behind it?! Wow, it’s only $190!

Desperate Man Hides Crust Punk Bite From Other Survivors

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW CALIFORNIA, Ohio — Local man Trent Palmer desperately concealed his infected forearm from other survivors after a surprise attack from a crust punk, confirmed sources who were growing leery by the minute.

“I was searching through a dumpster behind an abandoned Denny’s when this crustie burst out of a pile of greasy rags and took a huge chunk out of my arm,” said Palmer, tying a bandana around his wrist to hide the scabs starting to spread from the wound. “I quickly told him I don’t have any spare change and he shambled away, but it was too late—I was bit. I can’t let the other guys know or they’ll kill me, or worse—kick me out of the scene.”

Other survivors in the group were becoming suspicious of his increasingly crust punk-like behavior despite Palmer’s attempts to hide the signs of infection.

“Trent’s been acting weird ever since he got back from scavenging—stumbling around searching for cigarette butts, giving himself piercings—he even started asking us all to call him Ratface out of nowhere,” said Peggy Schlitz, watching him warily from across the mess hall. “And between you and me, some of the industrial adhesive we keep around for repairs has gone missing. Trent, er—I mean Ratface—is usually a trustworthy guy, but you can’t help but notice he’s had a plastic baggie glued to his cheek for the last couple hours. Something is definitely up.”

According to the survivor group’s leader Abram Hoskins, the sinister signs of a crust punk bite move slowly, but are impossible to reverse once the infection takes hold.

“I’ve lost enough good people to know the signs of an infected crust punk bite when I see one,” said Hoskins, a former veterinarian specializing in urban rodent medicine. “You go to wash your face but the filth won’t come off, and the once-cleansing water starts to feel like acid on your skin. You’ll notice that your hair will fall out in strange patterns, and what hair remains will become matted into dreadlocks. Then one day you’ll open your shirt and find the shitty stick and poke tattoos have spread all over your body—and by then, it’s too late.”

Palmer’s transformation was later discovered after he got caught in a crust trap baited with a half-empty bottle of Colt 45, but managed to escape after gnawing his foot off.

Photo credit: Albert Baldassarre

50 Horror Movies Ranked by How Much They’re Going to Traumatize My Cousins When I Babysit

Posted on by Dan Rice

As an American student, I’m unable to afford the finer things in life like housing and food, so I still live at home. You can’t beat the price! Unfortunately, it makes my parents feel entitled to volunteer my time. When Aunt Judy needed a babysitter for her weekly sip-and-paint circle, they were more than happy to offer their help, which apparently meant me. 

Maybe it’s weaponized incompetence or maybe I’m just bored, but I’ve decided to psychologically destroy these pre-teens with horror movies. 

I’m not a complete monster, I’m sparing them the heavy stuff. No true crime, no Video Nasties, no hardcore sexual violence. Instead, I’m going to rise to the challenge of scarring them for life armed with nothing but brief nudity and intense gore effects.

50. Chopping Mall 

Not the most extreme movie on the list, but I figure I’ll start them off with some lite, campy fun, and there’s still a head explosion here that’s bound to make them lose at least a little sleep. 

49. The Lost Boys

An absolute classic, and with plenty of genuine scares. It only ranks low on my list because of the Frog brothers. I’m worried that they’ll make the kids think they have any chance of defeating a vampire, which they totally don’t.

48. The Child’s Play Franchise 

The first one is a pretty solid horror movie, but the real psychological damage will come in the later installments when the kids need to reconcile that two haunted puppets somehow got to the bone zone and make a kid.

47. The Faculty 

Gotta start that mistrust of authority while they’re young, it will serve them well in the years to come.  

46. The Exorcist 

This one’s lost a bit of punch, what with the fact that we live in godless times and all. Luckily, Aunt Judy sent the kids to a catholic elementary school to give them “proper values,” so it should do the trick. 

45. Dawn of the Dead (1978)

It’s my honor to introduce these whiny snots to the films of George Romero the way they were meant to be seen: way too young at the behest of a dipshit older relative. 

44. Return of the Living Dead 

Did you know that this movie marks the first instance of zombies saying “brains”? Did you know that it also marks the first time my 12-year-old cousin Mark has pissed himself since his training wheels came off? What a picture! 

43. Re-animator 

Towing the line a bit here with my “nothing overtly sexual” rule, but Re-animator is a stone-cold classic. Besides, the kids should be old enough to know that severed heads can’t really go down on chicks by now. I feel like I learned that in the third grade. 

42. The Good Son 

The kids love watching those ‘Home Alone’ movies every holiday season, so I’m betting after they see this they’ll pretty much never trust anyone again. 

41. Funny Games

What a privilege it is to instill a fear in these children that will be with them the rest of their lives, home invasion! I hope Aunt Judy enjoys running up and down the stairs all night, triple checking that the doors and windows are locked at bedtime for the foreseeable future. 

40. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

While this is a movie most would consider irresponsible to screen for children, again,  I maintain that I’m actually doing my young cousins a service here. Texas is hell, and they should learn to stay far away from it.

39. American Psycho

My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my babysitting. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of “responsible adult who can be trusted to watch children” is about to slip. 

38. House of 1000 Corpses 

I know a lot of you are going to say this one is dumb or overrated, but that’s because you watched it as an adult who grew up with White Zombie videos. Trust me, this is going to screw them up. 

37. Train to Busan

Now that the kids have a firm grasp on zombies, it’s time to show them something a little bit closer to the real-life pandemics we all know and love. While they’re hiding under the covers, I’m laughing over how hard it’s going to be to get them on the subway for any New York field trip from here on out. 

36. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

“The Faculty” taught my cousins to be paranoid about their teachers. This movie will teach them to be paranoid about everyone else. I can’t wait to steal whatever pills they wind up on. 

35. The Blair Witch Project 

I have it on good authority that the kids have never heard of this movie, so I might actually be able to sell them on the whole “found footage” angle. If I can convince these little dweebs that I just found this thing at a thrift shop and witches are real,  it will be the proudest achievement of my life. 

34. Paranormal Activity 

While they were watching this I snuck off and moved a bunch of random crap all over the house. I’ve always wanted to see someone hyperventilate. 

33. The Stepfather 

Honestly, I just don’t trust Aunt Judy’s new boyfriend. Homeboy rocks a lot of American flag variant shirts, and I figured showing her kids this movie is the best way to get them to steer clear and stay vigilant. 

32. 28 Days Later

With Covid fresh in their young, impressionable minds this one is bound to do some serious damage. To add to the effect I’m going to spend the whole movie complaining of vague flu-like symptoms and periodically screaming for no reason. 

31. The Halloween Franchise 

If you’re a babysitter and you’re not showing your kids Halloween, you are missing out on one of the greatest opportunities to terrorize that life has to offer. At the end of the first one they turned to me and said “So he’s still out there?” and I coldly replied “yes.” Their pupils actually dilated. I don’t know who their therapist is, but that SOB should be paying me kickbacks.

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