Halloween is creeping up on us faster than you might expect and that spooky holiday means two things: free candy and Misfits cover bands. Since I’m a full grown adult I have trouble convincing my neighbors to give me sweet treats. They say “You’re too old for this,” “You’re scaring all the kids,” and “We are calling the police.” Since candy is off the table it’s time for me to start recruiting talent for a Misfits cover band. I already have the perfect name, it’s Teenagers From Mars. Do NOT steal that.
I realized I’ve alienated most of my actual friends, so I have to recruit my band from a talent pool that is with me all the time in my basement apartment. That is of course the cast of “The Office.” So who is going to make the cut. Read on.
(For clarity, this is not every single person to ever appear on the show. They are people with speaking roles that appeared in more than one episode.)
56. Angela Martin
Putting Angela in a Misfits cover band would be musical malpractice. There is no way she would be on board with the “Dead cats hanging from poles” line, and not to mention she’s openly Christian so she would get pretty uptight about all the demon references.
55. Robert California
I’m not going to lie, on paper Robert California is a good candidate for this band. He’s charismatic, probably knows a guy that can do merch for cheap, and knows about spooky stuff, but there is one big problem. This isn’t a Graves-era cover band. No replacement players. Keep moving Bobby.
54. Cathy Simms
Cathy is one of the most hated characters in the history of the show. I just can’t be associated with her. I’m already on thin ice after I backed my car into my neighbor’s pool and then left without telling anyone. Being seen with Cathy is a death sentence.
53. Robert Lipton
Being an elected official already rules you out of being a part of this project. I’m going to need full dedication, I want someone that is willing to quit their job so we can make sure we know “Where Eagles Dare” backward and forward. There is no way a politician would be willing to work that hard for one night of glory.
52. Brian Wittle
This man can’t be trusted. He might be a solid worker and a great bandmate, but in the back of my head I’ll keep thinking he’s just using the band to get close to my wife so he can steal her away. Now it’s true that I don’t have a wife, or a girlfriend, and I haven’t felt the touch of a woman in over a decade. But still.
51. Nick
I don’t even know why I hate this guy, but I do. He just looks like the type of guy that would tell me about all the movies that Misfits songs reference. Newsflash buddy, I don’t give a rip. Stay away from me and stay inside on Halloween you creep.
50. Katy Moore
There is no way that someone who names “Legally Blonde” as their favorite movie is going to know anything about the Misfits. Plus, there is no way she’s going to be willing to dye her hair black and wear a devilock.
49. Rolf Ahl
Rolf is a loose cannon, and that might seem like a decent quality you want in a punk bandmate. But I don’t want to be on stage, in front of tens of people on our big night and have somebody smash me in the head with a stage monitor because I suggest we skip playing “20 Eyes.”
48. Charles Miner
Charles has all the physical attributes I want in a band member, mainly it’s someone who is big and could easily beat the crap out of anyone who makes fun of our tight pants. But Charles is a corporate shill, I want someone willing to quit their job so they can dedicate their life to this important project.
47. Irene
She might be the closest in age to the real-life Misfits and since she lives in Florida she probably has some of the same politics. But I don’t want to have to worry about one of our members breaking a hip mid-set.
46. Clark Green
Clark is the type of guy that would be like “You play in a Misfits cover band? Yeah, I listened to them when I was 12 then I grew up.” And then he would talk about how underrated Guided by Voices is for the next two hours.