Ten Underrated Records From Vagrant Records to Listen to While You Ride the Rails Out West

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Founded in 1995 by Rich Egan, now at The Hard 8 Working Group management company, and Jon Cohen, now at Big Noise Music Group, Vagrant Records truly ruled the punk, emo, “emo,” and post-hardcore scene in the late-90s and early aughts with a non-iron and sincerely inviting fist that comfortably begged you to spend more than another year on the streets listening to their incredible roster. Before we highlight ten underrated records we must start by saying that these eight Vagrant Records acts are WAY too huge to be considered underrated anywhere on earth, and certainly for this piece by anyone, except your out-of-touch troll of an uncle named Rico: Alkaline Trio, The 1975, Saves the Day, Senses Fail, The Get-Up Kids, The Lemonheads, Thrice, and Dashboard Confessional. Let’s get down, kids!

Alexisonfire “Crisis” (2006)

While City and Colour, a hipster-approved project named after and featuring Alexisonfire’s Dallas Green, may be ginormous globally, and certainly very successful in the states, his other post-hardcore act Alexisonfire sure isn’t on 1/10 of C&C’s level here. Still, the band is quite popular in Canada, even debuting at freaking number one on the Canadian Albums Chart, proving that The Great White North is cooler in every way, literally and figuratively, than all US Americans. Alexisonfire’s third of five albums “Crisis” combines gritty growls with saccharine and soothing melodic vocals better than most of their peers, and deserves your attention if you were too busy blasting The All-American Rejects’ “The Black Parade” around this time.

The Anniversary “Designing a Nervous Breakdown”

In the “scene” world, the first Kansas band that people usually namecheck is a different band on Vagrant Records: The Get-Up Kids. However, The Anniversary deserves a large amount of praise as well for their incredible songs that all of your favorite bands just love like a milkshake. For whatever reason, they never truly broke out, and it feels that they walked just after The Rentals, and ran just before Motion City Soundtrack, disqualifying ‘em from the keyboard rock Olympics whilst The Rentals and MCS both won medals. Sadly, The Anniversary split up in 2004, but happily, they reunited for the Rockstar Energy Drink Taste Of Chaos 2016 San Bernardino date with such non-Vagrant Records bands as Quicksand, Saosin, Taking Back Sunday, and the fictional band in “Can’t Hardly Wait” called Loveburger, who covered Smash Mouth’s “Astro Lounge” a capella in its entirety back to front.

The Bled “Pass the Flask” (2007)

While The Bled’s “Pass the Flask” was initially released via Fiddler Records in 2003, Vagrant Records snatched the Tucson, Arizona group shortly after, and reissued this gem of an LP for the label, so it technically counts for the sake of this piece, so get off our fucking back. Since everything we say leaves this room, it must be said that this record’s influence permeated the late-aughts and beyond more than most bands, and especially more than Mickey from “Rocky,” the Arnold Schwarzenegger Tony Award-winning film’s tolerance towards quitters and bums. The band came out with three more solid LPs before calling it a day, but just like The Anniversary above, and any defunct act with child support payments, reunited for 2021’s rock and roll festival season, which included fun jaunts on Riot Fest, Furnace Fest, and Chanukah, the Fest(ival) of Lights!

Dr Manhattan “Self-Titled” (2008)

Potentially the most underrated mention on this list, the difficult to explain in layman’s terms and/or categorize Dr (without a period for some ungodly reason; weird) Manhattan released a way too slept upon self-titled LP, while bands in a similar but different world like The Gaslight Anthem and The Maine were absolutely blowing up. The party’s opinion is that Wauconda, Illinois is more well known with minds like ours, yours, and no one else’s for being a part of the set of “The Blues Brothers” than this enigmatic and unique band, and while we can’t change that with the masses who don’t know how to read, we hope to do so with you, friends. Join the circus and spin this one right now for the big apple and the small pepper.

Emanuel “Soundtrack to a Headrush” (2005)

Hey man, we’re still scratching our domes about the sad truth regarding Emanuel and will forever ask ourselves, “How the hell did this group not blow up?” So many post-hardcore/mall screamo acts in the mid-aughts with worse songs but possibly better haircuts now can afford private school tuition in Los Angeles, and while we don’t have access to each member of Emanuel’s bank accounts, we can surmise that royalties on this and “Black Earth Tiger” are long gone, or never ever there to begin with. If you missed the overground boat on this Louisville, Kentucky quintet, make tonight willingly your soundtrack to a headrush. Machine, yes, Machine, killed it as producer here and on non-Vagrant Records acts Armor For Sleep’s “What to Do When You Are Dead” and Boys Night Out’s “Trainwreck,” both of which sold more units and came out the same year as “Soundtrack to a Headrush.”

Far “At Night We Live” (2010)

Far’s 1998 now-classic LP “Water & Solutions,” released via Immortal/Epic Records, may be the most underrated post-hardcore emo adjacent album of all time, and it has A LOT of strong competition for that coveted “award,” but their comeback effort “At Night We Live” deserves accolades too! The record serves as a poignant memorial to the late Chi Cheng of other Sacramento now-legendary act Deftones, and Far rocks and rolls through twelve songs in glorious form. Maybe this album was too late to be embraced, or maybe it was a tad too early to catch on. Whatever the case, it’s somebody’s struggle for sure, and we want y’all to explore this one and its predecessors. Fun fact/burns: Ginuwine’s sex anthem “Pony” gets the rock treatment here, and it’s for bachelors, bachelorettes, and anyone who auditioned for either show, but not the over sixty crowd on “The Golden Bachelor.”

Koufax “Social Life” (2002)

As of today, Toledo, Ohio’s indie pop act Koufax has under 1200 monthly listeners on Spotify, proving that more than Saturday is alone, and that we’re all going down. Formed in the late-90s, Koufax released their debut EP for another cool label called Doghouse Records, signed with Vagrant, and released their debut “It Had to Do with Love” two years later in (we’ll make it up to you in the year) 2000. But we’re here for more “life” than “love,” and 2002’s “Social Life” is a perfect example of a band being ahead of their time whilst putting out a throwback of an experience that would’ve KILLED twenty years earlier. There must be something in Midwestern water other than what was in Flint’s, and Koufax proved that small towns don’t always have small minds via their older souls and younger bodies.

Moneen “The Red Tree” (2006)

Moneen or “.moneen.” with TWO PERIODS if you NASTY, formed in Ontario just before the 21st century, released two full-length studio albums for Smallman Records, a Winnipeg-based label that also put out quality efforts from Comeback Kid and Choke, signed with Vagrant shortly afterward, and subsequently released one of the more slept upon efforts of the mid-aughts, “The Red Tree.” While said record got some music video airplay on MuchMusic and FUSE, MTV in America did not give it any love, and neither did many press outlets. Alas, Moneen are certainly the smaller of the two Canadian acts mentioned here, the larger one being Alexisonfire, but Moneen’s musicianship stood out amongst other acts in the Warped Tour world. The about-to-be-mentioned Max Bemis of Say Anything certainly took notice, and hired singer/guitarist Kenny Bridges for the latest incarnation of SA.

Rocket from the Crypt “Group Sounds” (2001)

Rocket from the Crypt may be the biggest band listed here, but in what may be the paradox of the century, is forever and ever amen underrated, and the band’s first LP after leaving super independent Interscope Records, “Group Sounds” is a sweaty cacophonous mess from front to back that makes us want to get dirty AF and listen to over and over again. If you caught the band playing this front to back at the aforementioned Riot Fest last year, you have a good check that’s gonna stick and an epically grandiose amount of savoir-faire that has the heart of a lion, and not a stupidhead rat. S.O.S.: Bring us the head, yeah, B-Unique, spit some vitriol and venom, AND bring the ghost heart if your inner system hasn’t heard this gem, writing checks that your body can’t cash.

Two Tongues “Self-Titled” (2009)

Like we stated in the sterling intro to this very piece, Saves the Day may be too huge to have an album name-checked here, and because of said posit, the aforementioned Say Anything, who is certainly on equal or larger footing to STD, is as well. However, their rockin’ side project Two Tongues isn’t! Fun fact: The artists on this recording, Max Bemis, Chris Conley, David Soloway, and Coby Linder, have a collective FOUR amount of tongues that we know about, so this band is a lie, and so are you! Come on! It would be seven more years until this album’s sequel, “Two Tongues Two” was released, and we’re back against the wall waiting for you to come home and for the third one, which will hopefully be better than the third Godfather movie, which isn’t that bad, but not that good.

The Top 20 Pixies Songs to Get Customers Out as You End Your Bar Shift

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

It’s almost 2 a.m., you’re at the end of your shift, and you want to send a gentle message to the remaining bar patrons: go the fuck home. Sure, you want to end the night on a high, but also clearly communicate that these drunk assholes need to clear out for closing time. Get this handy playlist ready to take an inebriated crowd through a tour of Pixies songs. This includes choice classic cuts and personal favorites, but also a few tunes guaranteed to clear out the straggling few that don’t get the hint. Let’s get this music cranking so you can get home, microwave a Marie Callender’s frozen dinner, and watch old Simpsons episodes. (Listen to the playlist as you go)

“Gigantic”

Start with your personal favorite, the song that put you on the road to loving this band from Boston. That fucking Kim Deal bass line. Not everyone shares your appreciation. Some asshole yells, “The fuck is this?” as soon as you switch over from whatever shitty power-country he dished out a buck for on the digital jukebox. It’s the Pixies, asshole. Debut album, made in ten days for ten grand. This is a great tune for gathering up the wet singles at the edge of the bar while patrons make out or scream stories at each other.

“Hey”

Of course people begin giving out bedroom eyes on the horniest Pixies song. One friendly stranger who just threw up in the bathroom talks up a sober newbie walking in. Amazing what a mint can do. Later, you find them dry-humping behind the coat rack. Who can blame them? “Hey” is one of those songs that gets people feeling a certain way. But seriously, don’t they have an apartment they could go to somewhere in this city?

“Velouria”

A track from their third album, ‘Bossanova,’ informed by Frank Black’s pop sensibilities. Heads begin bopping, toes tap against the bar. When patrons dig the music, it’s a better vibe. Remember that dayshift bartender who used to play NPR? Nobody wants to do shots to ‘All Things Considered’ and ‘Planet Money.’ Horrible bar background ambiance choice. This spacey surf rock echoing in the bar makes it easier to throw cold french fries away from stray baskets.

“Levitate Me”

Take it all the way back to their debut EP. What an incredible thrumming drive through this 1987 track. You try to talk to a few regulars about how much Pixies mean to you, but there is a lost phone, and you know what that means: people are about to get really fucking annoying. Do an obligatory check of the lost and found box, which only has a filthy hoodie and a copy of “Infinite Jest” some pretentious asshole left here 4 months ago.

“Manta Ray”

“Last call!” That’s right assholes, it’s the B-sides now. Damn it, just as you called it for the last round of drinks, an entire group of finance bros walked in talking over each other, eyes and nostrils flared from a night of party powder. Great, there’s a whole bachelorette party behind them as well. You’d be stupid to pass up the tips. Time to make 70 drinks in five minutes.

“Human Crime”

You use the sudden influx of newbies to throw on the new Pixies tune. Hell, you’ll listen to anything they put out. The driving beat keeps you pouring and elaborately mixing drinks in a performative fashion that you hope attracts tips. Raise those arms extra high while unnecessarily shaking. Did someone just make a request to change the song? Fuck off, it’s a Pixies night.

“Head On”

This track describes how you have to face the closing shift at this shitty dive bar: directly head-on. Part party anthem, part blind acceptance of this miserable reality, this one will get feet moving – hopefully towards the exit. It’s almost 2 in the morning. Don’t they know you also have to clean up?

“Debaser”

Play it fucking loud, aggressively loud. Finish these drinks, close out your orders. You become an octopus at the center of the bar: swiping cards, handing pens, and clearing half-empty glasses. Where is Gus your barback? Totally useless, always on break, probably asking regulars out front if they have a spare smoke. When drummer David Lovering drops in, you up the ante and pull Gus back inside to maneuver the dishwasher like this was a battleship.

“Break My Body”

At this point, the basic bros around you are all requesting “Where Is My Mind?” but instead you throw on a tune that best describes your current state. Your calves are aching. There’s a layer of vodka-french-fry sweat covering your skin. You’ve seen forty-two first dates tonight, all of them awful. Your body and spirit are truly broken.

“What Goes Boom”

Even with the CLOSED sign on full display, there are still people banging on the front glass, windows shaking in their cheap metal frame. One of these nights, those late-evening visitors begging for a drink are going to break the glass. You warn the owner, but he barely cares about this place, one of five bars he somehow has in this city alone. When you mouth “We’re closed,” one of them flips you off, another spits on the window. What a great city.

“Havalina”

Create a moment of calm before everyone is thrown out on their ass. Almost all the tabs are closed. You’ve turned off the stream of music videos on TV. Hell, a few of the lights are turned on, the sobering lightbulb glare. Revealed are the grossest couples you’ve ever seen, sloppily kissing and slow dancing, seemingly stuck together by sweat, sugary alcohol mixes, and spilled appetizers.

“Monkey’s Gone To Heaven”

The lights are officially on. You have the front door propped open. The smarter crowd understands the hint, but suddenly another finance bro slams $20 against the bar, asking for a round of shots. Also, he wants you to change the music. Unfortunately for him, his father doesn’t own this bar. He has no power here. Try not to enjoy it too much when you tell him, “We’re closed.” Bask in these two minutes of glory, knowing he will completely forget about you within the hour.

“Might as Well Be Gone”

You play this as a hint for the few left trying to use the restroom, to the smokers outside, and to any chatty holdovers as the clock hits 2:01 a.m. The band’s first album with current bassist Paz Lenchantin has this subtle hint threaded in: fucking go home. Your broom hits at designer shoes and haute couture jeans, way too stylish for this bar.

“Something Against You”

Yeah, you’ve got something against them. They won’t fucking leave! Play this song unwelcomingly loud to make your message clear. Now you have people standing around out front on the pavement, smoking cigarettes you’ll have to sweep up later. Don’t they live somewhere? Did that dude just grab a Yuengling from across the street? Are they playing quarters outside? Is that a bonfire? What is going on?

“Here Comes Your Man”

Ubers are arriving. Crowds begin to thin. Thank God. You can throw on one of your favorite Pixies tracks as you wet down the floor to mop up. Of course some dude comes out of the bathroom and almost slips, just as you begin to enjoy yourself for half a second. Lawsuit diverted, good thing because you could only pay your lawyer in Pixies vinyl.

“On Graveyard Hill”

Truth be told: you’re actually a morning person. You hate this cemetery shift. The worst part about the job is how much you sleep in, never able to enjoy a coffee or scone or early morning walk. Nope, just stuck here at 2:10am watching two dudes puke in the back courtyard. Who did they even come in with? You use this as a chance to listen to new releases from The Pixies and consider your life choices. How does one become a National Park Ranger? Nah, that seems like a lot of work.

“I’ve Been Tired”

You’re more than tired, you are crumbling away. This is an unwelcoming tune to blast at anyone still hiding in the booths at the back of the bar. Where the hell is that barback Gus? Where do all of these extra pint glasses keep coming from? You nearly fall asleep standing up while looking for the key to the storage closet, just so you can grab the “good” rags.

“Vamos”

That’s right, “vamos.” Let’s go. Blasting this will tell anyone left to get the fuck out. Also, they’ll get to marvel at guitarist Joey Santiago’s amazing work here. “Your bar closes too early. Your bar sucks,” a straggler from the bachelorette party says, looking for her Juul and eyeing you suspiciously. You say nothing, watching Gus the barback inhale from a Juul he found on one of the tables.

“Who’s More Sorry Now?”

Suddenly, in the empty bar, with the fridge humming and ceiling fans lazily swirling around the dirty air, you feel an odd loneliness. All these chattery people gone, now the haunted feeling of stacked chairs in an empty space. As your mind wanders, a slamming door scares the hell out of you. The most haggard dude you’ve ever seen shuffles out of the bathroom. Did he fall asleep in there? It smells like death itself. You desperately want to go home.

“Dead”

The metal security gate rattles as you guide it towards the ground. Another night done. And you are absolutely dead. You fall asleep on the train ride home and wake up on the complete other side of town, realizing you’ve accidentally been riding the rails for hours while sleeping. Oh well, might as well just continue napping against this pole. Your next shift is in five hours anyway.

DeSantis Promises to Change Fifty Stars Section of American Flag to Punisher Logo if Elected

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor and Republican Presidential Candidate, Ron DeSantis, promised that, if elected, he would change the fifty stars section of the American flag to the Punisher logo, cheering Floridians confirmed.

“Red, white, and blue and skull!” DeSantis emphasized in a speech while at a poorly attended campaign stop. “Don’t get me wrong, nothing makes me more excited than seeing the American flag flying high in the wind, but that fifty starts portion, it makes no sense. State equality, unity, and peace, does any of that sound American to you? I promise, that when I am elected president of this great country, I’ll wipe our flag clean of all wokeness and replace it with something that better symbolizes the real America, the long skull called the Punisher logo!”

This promise had DeSantis’ supporters foaming at the mouth.

“Ron knows what’s important. As much as I love our flag I’ve always been bothered because some of those stars represent states that make me hate America, it makes me sick to think the star representing my state looks exactly like the star that represents Massachusetts, or worse, California. I look forward to pledging allegiance to a flag that reflects the values I stand for,” said longtime DeSantis supporter Jayce Warner. “As a matter of fact, I got two of them skulls tattooed on me, one on each fist. It symbolizes death to terrorists, and hell yeah police, and death to all libs. And that’s what I’m all about. DeSantis 2024! Four more years!”

Vexillologist, Shaina Thames, begrudgingly explained how this is a common campaign tactic to gain support.

“Every year some lunatic threatens to change the makeup of the American flag to gain support, and the sad part is sometimes it actually works. Not only would it be a bad idea aesthetically, but the waste of taxpayer money to make it happen would be astronomical,” confirmed Wembley. “Bush promised to have a weapon of mass destruction hidden somewhere on the flag. Clinton wanted all American flags to be made out of beach towels to help clean up certain messes. Almost every candidate does it, and DeSantis is now workshopping his. God help us.”

At press time, DeSantis promised if elected he would give every American a loaded gun.

Man Sends Woman Unsolicited Photo of Pedalboard

Posted on by Kevin Coons

PORTLAND, Ore. — Amateur guitarist and gear enthusiast Andy Farren sent an unsolicited photo of his pedalboard to his acquaintance Elizabeth Horke, which she found shocking and disrespectful.

“We were just texting about movies, making casual conversation, and then out of nowhere, he sent a picture of his pedalboard,” Horke said while blocking Farren’s number. “It was clearly turned on, and you could see everything, even the power supply. I just don’t know what made him think that was an acceptable thing to do. I am only a few months out of a relationship with a guy who was really into modular synths, and receiving this picture brought up a lot of traumatic memories. Might be time to institute a ‘no musicians’ policy for dating.”

Farren didn’t see the exchange as that big of a deal.

“I was just excited to show off my new rig,” said the guitarist. “I had just swapped out my fuzz for a cleaner overdrive, and I was alone in my room, messing around with a few things. I guess I was just feeling my tone, and I thought she might want to hear about it. I thought she was a music fan. She really should take it as a compliment. After all, my pedalboard is a lot bigger than the average guy’s, so she must be impressed, if not a bit aroused.”

Experts say that in the age of pedal demo videos and message boards, this behavior is becoming frighteningly more common.

“Guitarists can sometimes struggle to determine what is appropriate and when discussing the intimate details of their signal chain,” said social scientist Dr. Michelle Parkzer. “To clarify, yes, there may be some occasions when sending a pedalboard photo might be okay, but it’s important to always remember that consent is the key. Also, a whole pedalboard can come across as very forward, and even intense. It’s usually best to start slow when bringing up the subject of guitar pedals. Maybe start by asking if it’s okay to send a picture of your new delay pedal, and if she says yes, then go from there.”

At press time, Horke reportedly blocked Farren after he sent a picture of the settings on his amplifier captioned with the text, “cranking it.”

So You Agreed to Jam With Your Coworker. Here Are 5 Ways to Fake Your Own Death

Posted on by Chris Bowen

So it finally happened. Word got out at work that you play an instrument and now that one coworker who plays bass wants to jam with you. You panicked, started sweating profusely, then blurted out “Yes, we totally should!” But don’t worry.

Although as burdensome and painful as it may seem, these things happen all the time. And believe it or not, it’s nothing that can’t be taken care of with a good old-fashioned death faking. So these 5 ways certainly aren’t the only ways to make everyone believe you’ve died, they’re just the most practical examples and a good starting place.

1. Plan a Big Vacation to a Place Ripe With Turmoil and Never Return

“Can you believe he/she/they’re (you) is going all the way to Syria for vacation? Doesn’t (you) know we’re (The USA) still bombing shit like crazy over there?” Why yes, you are totally aware. But a killer selfie at Ancient Aleppo is worth it so much, you’re going to “die” for it.

2. Convince Your Coworkers You Have a Gambling Problem, Then Make Them Believe Bookies Made You “Disappear”

It really helps if you show up to work the day prior to your sudden “disappearance” with both of your thumbs broken or your kneecaps smashed. You’d think that would be enough to convince your coworker that you’re too injured to jam, but think again. Shouldn’t have placed that last bet on the Celtics like you’ve been crying to everyone at the office about for the past 3 days.

3. Offer to Pick Up Lunch That Day and Fake an Elaborate Armed Robbery at a Subway, Then “Die” from Suicide by Cop

This is where they start to get a little difficult. You’re either going to have to actually rob the place, go ballistic, then die in a hail of gunfire. Or you’ll have to find a way to convince the cops, the restaurant staff, all the local papers and everyone close to you to be in on it and that you really don’t want to jam Zeppelin covers with Carl from shipping.

4. Take Out the Trash, Fall, and Get Trapped in the Dumpster, Then Fake Getting Crushed by the Garbage Truck’s Trash Compactor

This one is as simple as they come. Just get the schedule of the garbage truck down, offer to take out the garbage when it shows up, then quickly tear off your clothes, wrap them around the trash bag full of jello and various animal parts you have set aside, leave your nametag in the ground next to the garbage can and huck the meat-bag version of yourself in the compactor and then “splat!” No more stress of getting together with anyone for a jam session ever again!

5. Just Quit Your Job….Then Have a Friend Run You Down With Their Car as You Leave

Just tell them to take this job and shove it, then pow! This one does involve you being seriously injured, sure. But do you really want everyone thinking you’re in a band with your coworker? I didn’t think so.

Grammys Announce Metallica, Slipknot, and Ghost Also Nominated For Best Metal Performance in 2025, 2026, and 2027

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — The Grammy Awards’ nomination committee preemptively slated Metallica, Slipknot, and Ghost as nominees for Best Metal Performance in 2025, 2026, and 2027, sources confirmed.

“I’m no ‘metal aficionado’ as they say, but I stepped up when the committee admitted they couldn’t name a single metal band,” confessed Doug Underwood, a new member of the Recording Academy. “Luckily, I discovered Metallica when my kids were binging ‘Stranger Things.’ It made me feel like I really understood the whole genre. After an intense ten minutes of Googling, I found Slipknot, too. A group of angry Midwestern clowns celebrating Halloween year-round. And Ghost, of course. They’re like KISS I’d actually let my daughter listen to. Makes you wonder why there aren’t more ‘heavy metal’ bands. Anyway, I penciled them all in for the next few years, hoping some new bands emerge by then.”

Papa Emeritus, the world’s least offensive spokesperson for Satan and frontman of Ghost, is more than happy to receive these future awards.

“When we started, we just wanted to be a Blue Öyster Cult tribute band. That wasn’t really going anywhere, so we tried some theatrics. A little face paint, some Lucifer cosplay, and presto – we’re famous,” said Mr. Papa. “I like to call it ‘clean Satanism.’ It’s a fun occult time for the whole family. We’re only trying to offend the two hardcore Christians that exist in Sweden. It certainly isn’t offending my brokerage account. If that’s worth an award, who am I to argue?”

Demetrius Hail, a Grammy consultant and music historian who doesn’t specialize in metal but bills hourly for any genre analysis, offered his findings.

“Metallica, with their groundbreaking debut ‘St. Anger,’ essentially birthed metal as we know it. They set the stage for bands like Slipknot, who amplified the loud noises and invented putting scary things on your head,” Hail asserted confidently. “Ghost brought this to the mainstream by making the headgear much less scary and not really doing metal at all, while infusing it with a vibe I call ‘witchy men.’ This spectacle-over-substance brand has become beloved by young fans. I call them the big three, and they’ll be dominating the genre for years to come.”

At press time, Underwood was heard exclaiming, “We need five?!” as he frantically clicked on a ‘Stranger Things’ playlist that may have actually been a Disturbed album cover.

Star Trek Characters Ranked by How Drunk They Would Get at a Wedding

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The Star Trek franchise mostly takes place centuries from now, when humanity has rid itself of its worst instincts, gotten its shit together, and passive-aggressively pressures alien species to join the Federation, its own personal fan club.

But while the future may be a more civilized and rational place (except for all the interstellar war, of course), there is always one constant in existence: if there’s a wedding, somebody is going to get crazy smashed and do stuff to make the bride cry. We ranked these 50 Trek characters by how embarrassingly drunk off cheap Romulan wine they’d get at an acquaintance’s wedding, and it’s not pretty.

50. Sarek

Spock’s dad is a distant, humorless scold, even by Vulcan standards, so you know there’s no chance that he’s going to let loose at a wedding, even while one of his several human wives gets sloshed. If anything, he would bring the whole vibe down as he explains some boring diplomatic issue during a toast, which nobody asked him to give.

49. Data

Canonically, Data can get drunk even though he’s an android because of magic science, basically. However, Data would be too interested in discussing the actual human scenario of getting a bit tipsy at a wedding and hitting on a bridesmaid who, hopefully, isn’t your cousin to get any heavy drinking done. He may be a sophisticated positronic robot, but remember, he’s a nerd first.

48. Tasha Yar

Tasha Yar is a badass, and without question, she can hold her liquor. She didn’t grow up on a planet with a collapsed government and roving gangs of human monsters so she could let her guard down just because an ensign got hitched to their Academy girlfriend. If anything, she’d be bodily tossing drunks off the dancefloor.

47. Pavel Chekov

Oh, so just because this Monkees-looking motherfucker is Russian, you think he’s going to get hammered at the wedding reception for the Andorian ambassador? Try to think of how you treat people as stereotypes and judge yourself self accordingly. He’s going to get hammered at the afterparty.

46. Beverly Crusher

Frankly, Dr. Crusher has never really had that much personality beyond red hair and once having ghost sex with the same weird spirit that sleeps with all the women in her family. She’d have a white wine spritzer and leave early so she could do space aerobics in the morning in an unflattering outfit.

45. Odo

Constable Odo doesn’t like fun. He doesn’t like having fun, he doesn’t like it when anyone else has fun, and he didn’t even have fun at his own marriage to Counselor Troi’s kooky mom (it didn’t last). It would be hard even to drag this cop of a changeling to a wedding, let alone get him to drink the Deep Space Nine equivalent of an O’Doul’s.

44. Deanna Troi

Speaking of which, Counselor Troi would probably get down with a few sambucas if she had the chance. But knowing her, she would probably sense that a Bajoran priest was having bummed thoughts about never getting married and spending the rest of the wedding reception using her Starfleet emotional support psychic powers.

43. Quark

We know, it seems like Quark would be the type to totally rage at a wedding reception. However, remember the Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #92: There are many paths to profit. While everybody else is getting fucked up and having a good time, Quark will be soberly making deals with suckers a little too tipsy to know better and idiots a lot too drunk to bargain better.

42. Professor Moriarty

The Holodeck version of Professor Moriarty has probably never drank anything stronger than a dram of elderberry wine, and he’s definitely never been to a wedding. Frankly, with his Victorian uptightness, you’d be lucky for him even to take off his top hat. It sucks to be a hologram.

41. Harry Kim

Ensign Harry Kim served faithfully on a lost starship for years without ever getting a single promotion, which should indicate that he has a whole lot to drink about. However, he’s an inveterate rule-follower by nature, and there’s no way he would ruin someone’s wedding by getting all that drunk. In fact, he’d probably offer to be someone’s designated driver.

40. Spock

Sure, Spock can chill out better than his old man, but he only gets really wild when he gets horny every seven years and tries to kill someone. He’d probably just have a vodka tonic to “fit in with local customs” and arch his eyebrow in a weird, smug way. Dick.

39. Mirror Spock

Same, but with a goatee.

38. The Borg Queen

The Queen is the center of the vast, terrifying hive mind that is the Borg, called the “One Who Is Many” or “writers didn’t think they’d have to figure out how a hive mind works.” She seems like she could put some red wine away and start to get uncomfortably handsy with a groomsman, but a Queen never gets sloshed. She just gets tipsy.

37. Nyota Uhura

Uhura has way too much self-respect ever to get hammered at a wedding. She had to kiss Kirk while under alien mind control and still managed not to puke over herself, so she’s not going to get sloppy at a wedding reception, ever. She might make out with Spock though.

36. Guinan

Guinan is the bartender on the USS Enterprise-D, which raises the question of why an expeditionary science vessel with the firepower to devastate a planet has an airport lounge on it. She’s probably going to be working the bar at a wedding, too, which is problematic in its own way, but still not drunk.

35. Morn

Morn is hardcore. This gregarious, incredibly charming raconteur hangs out at Quark’s bar all day long and never seems even the least bit tipsy. He’s not going to get drunk at a wedding, but he’ll definitely one-up the best man’s speech, dominate the dance floor, and go home with two to three bridesmaids. Morn fucking rules.

34. Benjamin Sisko

Captain Benjamin Sisko doesn’t mind some mysterious clear alcohol out of a square glass in his own quarters as he attempts to justify potential genocide, but he’s unlikely to get really trashed at a wedding reception, if only because of the dignity of his station. The guy is basically the messiah of a planet, it wouldn’t look great for him to get liquored up and piss behind the cake station.

33. Leeta

Dabo girls deal with drunks, gamblers, and Morn all night long, which means they have a high tolerance for alcohol and also the occasional need to get totally ripped. Leeta has a bit of a wild side, given that she married a Ferengi, but that probably means she’s just going to buzzed enough to do some ear stuff with him later. Star Trek sex is weird.

32. Khan Noonien Singh

The best way to get Khan drunk at a wedding is to tell him that Kirk did more shots than him. It’ll take a while, given his genetically engineered physical superiority, but you’ll be able to get him at least tanked enough to start quoting ‘Moby-Dick’ or some shit.

31. Jonathan Archer

This half-assed Kirk substitute is too boring even to be noticed at a wedding, let alone get wasted.

30. Kai Winn

Even in the far-off future and on another planet, priests have a tendency to like a sip of the good stuff. Although we don’t know if Bajorans have the equivalent of “getting drunk on sacramental wine before service,” we are pretty certain that Winn would be at least a little bit lit by the vows and probably end up decrying the bride as a shameless harlot.

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25 AJJ Songs That Will Remind You That You’ve Been Off Your BP Medication For Like Three Weeks

Posted on by James Knapp

AJJ has long used their music as a vehicle to communicate about mental health, often with illusions to bizarre bodily anomalies or just the outright murder of Jesus Christ. So we picked out some of our favorite AJJ songs based on how likely they are to remind you that you’ve forgotten to take your meds for a long time. (Listen to the playlist while you read)

25. “Rejoice”

Starting off on the manic side of the spectrum here. You can feel free to rejoice all you want while listening to this earworm, but also remember that you need to talk to a psychiatrist before they will refill your prescription.

24. “My Brain Is a Human Body”

This song title is a frightening example of the kind of dissociative body dysmorphia that you could easily avoid if you would just pay attention when your reminder alarm goes off.

23. “Growing Up”

Oh boy. It wasn’t that long ago that were a punk kid singing this one with all your heart and absolutely no fucking idea that the real growing up was still ahead of you and far weirder than you think it is. Think about that every time you sweat when you eat now.

22. “Linda Ronstadt”

Who among us hasn’t had a full-on emotional breakdown in a modern art museum at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday before? This song is a great reminder to always take your pills before leaving for any sort of cultural event.

21. “Dissonance”

Losing touch with reality again? It could all be society’s fault. Or it could be the fact that when you don’t take your meds all you tend to consume on a daily basis is sweet wine from a jug and Junior Mints.

20. “God Made Dirt”

Here’s a throwback to AJJ’s first record for us all to remember. Also, remember you do need to get out of bed at some point this week – you can’t pee in jars all the time.

19. “A Song Dedicated To the Memory of Stormy Rabbit”

Don’t listen to this one if you’re on a low swing and are thinking about a goldfish you had once that died within six hours of you bringing it home. If you do, you will buy every guppy at PetSmart trying to fill that hole.

18. “People II 2: Still Peoplin’”

Hold up. This isn’t the song you think it is. That’s right, take another look at that title. Still a good song though. Sorry to confuse y’all. Be well.

17. “Do, Re, and Me”

We aren’t sure what kind of shared psychosis the members of the Heaven’s Gate cult eventually succumbed to that resulted in their mass suicide, but we’re gonna be optimistic and just assume they did actually get to ride on that comet. Godspeed, nutjobs! Godspeed!

16. “Cody’s Theme”

The frantic restlessness of being off of one’s meds for too long gives a certain kinship with Cody here. After all, who doesn’t enjoy bashing shit up behind Rite Aid every once in a while.

15. “Who Are You?”

An underrated song from towards the end of “Can’t Maintain,” is a fantastic reminder that even though someone whose absence played a significant role in your mental development, if you scrounge through their old things there may be some old pants in there you can steal for yourself.

14. “A Poem”

There will come a time when you will be able to look back and laugh on the notebooks you’ve written in over the past three unmedicated weeks. However, that time is in no way now. Take your pills for fuck’s sake!

13. “Sense & Sensibility”

A very pretty song for you to listen to calmly after you just spraypainted “Jane Austin is a Fucking hack!” on the walls of the gymnasium in a fit. Maye take a couple steps back from this right now.

12. “Guilt: The Song”

Fuck, man. This is a really depressing one. Maybe don’t give it a listen until you’ve re-stabilized and probably cleaned your apartment a couple half-dozen times. Wait, that’s just a regular dozen isn’t it?

11. “Angel of Death”

“Bad Lieutenant 2” really is the greatest movie ever. Nicolas Cage is an American god! Do you guys wanna hang out later?

10. “Daddy”

This song is actually the story of how The Hard Times gained all of its power and status. At least how that’s how we remember it. Some of the details are a little murky.

9. “Love in the Time of Human Papillomavirus”

Again, please don’t listen to this song until you have effectively stopped pooping out large wads of a substance that we can only describe as “coniferous sludge.” Now go look up what “coniferous” means and you can thank us in the comments for the visual.

8. “Personal Space Invader”

This song is underrated for so many reasons. It has a simple chord structure (even for AJJ songs) but it will always draw you in to remind you that you still need to call your therapist to explain why you bailed last Wednesday and schedule another appointment.

7. “Hate, Rain on Me”

The Hard Times wants to officially go on record as saying that whatever shitty person in your life made you feel as horrible as this song details is an asshole and we are on your side. Also, please put on real pants and go to the pharmacy.

6. “Schadenfreude”

This song’s good. But really we just didn’t want to frontload this list with songs from classic records. Enjoy!

5. “Small Red Boy”

The way this song moves between parts is very much like what is going on with your brain right now. You know what brings it home? A familiar chorus! Also, antipsychotics.

4. “Power Plant”

In a way, we really are all power plants. It’s kind of like “The Matrix.” But in a more accurate way, it’s actually like “The Matrix Revolutions” much less powerful and we’re all fundamentally bad. Fuck, where is that pill vial?

3. “A Big Day For Grimley”

Found it! It was under some of the pee jars.

2. “Children of God”

Well, we really slid into it here. Hope you enjoy songs about sky-teeth and USB arm outlets because this is what you have just stepped and fallen off into.

1. “People II: The Reckoning”

Let’s be honest – you knew this one was coming. Just sit back, listen to the discordant augmentation of “Mrs. Robinson” and try to get steady until the meds finally take effect. Good luck.

Photo by The Zender Agenda.

Poser Oi! Band Doesn’t Even Have the Word “Cock” Anywhere in Their Name

Posted on by Chris Bowen

PHILADELPHIA — Local band Pugilist came under intense scrutiny within the Oi! scene due to the fact that nowhere does the word “cock” exist in their name, several bald, angry sources report.

“We can’t have wankers parading around our scene calling themselves working class punk and not even have ‘cock’ in their name, it’s just not right,” traditional skinhead Roger “Roddy” Gilmore explained, while shaving his head despite doing it a mere four hours earlier. “How can a street punk band go around claiming to be working class tough guys with a name that doesn’t even sound like a middle-schooler would giggle at it? They’d better cock-up that name real quick if they want to save what little reputation they have. I suggest maybe going with ‘Cockulist’ or maybe ‘Pugicock,’ so they can fit in with Cock Sparrer, Cockney Rejects, and COCK COCK COCK.”

Pugilist’s guitarist and lead singer Gary Mcbryde thought he and his band could possibly break new ground by omitting the word from their name.

“We have the hooks, the catchy choruses, and the boots and braces, but we ain’t got the cock,” Mcbryde stated. “Who would have thought the Oi! scene would be so close-minded and downright hateful towards something! Being viewed as posers has made me seriously consider growing out my hair and starting a horror punk band. At least I know that scene has no shred of dignity whatsoever to ever compromise.”

Music historian Allison Woo revealed how often bands of certain genres fail to escape their usual stereotypes.

“We all know the standard Oi! tropes. The boisterous lyrics, drunken fistfights over football (soccer), and the occasional vague-but-you-know-where-they-stand political views. And that’s what is needed to separate Oi! from the rest of the punk world,” Woo said. “Whenever this stuff is ignored, it just doesn’t work. It would be like if an indie band didn’t name themselves after an animal or woodland creature. It just doesn’t make sense otherwise. That’s why all Oi! bands must be named after a synonym for rooster. We need name consistency as fans.”

At press time, Pugilist agreed to change their name to Cock Wrangler, but were immediately sued by the 13 other Oi! bands with the same name.

​​Sad: Woman’s Most-Listened-to Artist This Year Was Her Inner Critic

Posted on by Dom Turek

In an unbelievable feat of self-contempt, one woman’s inner critic beat out over 100 million songs and 11 million different artists to become the most listened-to artist on her Spotify Wrapped this year.

While most people look forward to Spotify’s annual round-up of its listener’s streaming habits, Jackie Conrad isn’t “most people.” Actually, according to her imposter syndrome, she isn’t anyone at all and probably never will be due to her chronic procrastination and terrible haircut that everyone’s talking about behind her back.

Just when Conrad thought it couldn’t get worse than last year’s Spotify Wrapped when she found out Puddle of Mudd and Hootie and the Blowfish were among her top-played artists, she was proven wrong, just like she always is.

To the dismay of Conrad and those just pretending to care about her, some of her most listened-to tracks in 2023 included her inner critic’s greatest hits, “Nobody Likes You,” “You’re Ugly” And “You Have A Weird Belly Button.”

According to Conrad, the algorithm must be wrong because she “hasn’t listened to that stuff since high school,” but the technology doesn’t lie. Spotify’s user data, machine learning algorithms, and careful analysis of music preferences prove that Conrad spent over 900 minutes listening to “Your Parents Won’t Live Long Enough to See You Succeed” and a jaw-dropping 30,000 minutes replaying weird things she said at parties.

In a Hail Mary attempt to appear relatable and blend in with the crowd, Conrad followed suit and posted her results to social media hoping people would assume the song titles were from a Bright Eyes album, or even something by Dashboard Confessional, but eagle-eyed followers were quick to call her bluff and send her spiraling even deeper into self-flagellation.

Realizing there weren’t enough positive affirmations or books on transcendentalism in the world to trick Spotify’s algorithm into thinking she was anything but a self-loathing bundle of nerves, Conrad made the last in a series of heart-breaking decisions and switched back to Pandora.