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Grammys Announce Metallica, Slipknot, and Ghost Also Nominated For Best Metal Performance in 2025, 2026, and 2027

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — The Grammy Awards’ nomination committee preemptively slated Metallica, Slipknot, and Ghost as nominees for Best Metal Performance in 2025, 2026, and 2027, sources confirmed.

“I’m no ‘metal aficionado’ as they say, but I stepped up when the committee admitted they couldn’t name a single metal band,” confessed Doug Underwood, a new member of the Recording Academy. “Luckily, I discovered Metallica when my kids were binging ‘Stranger Things.’ It made me feel like I really understood the whole genre. After an intense ten minutes of Googling, I found Slipknot, too. A group of angry Midwestern clowns celebrating Halloween year-round. And Ghost, of course. They’re like KISS I’d actually let my daughter listen to. Makes you wonder why there aren’t more ‘heavy metal’ bands. Anyway, I penciled them all in for the next few years, hoping some new bands emerge by then.”

Papa Emeritus, the world’s least offensive spokesperson for Satan and frontman of Ghost, is more than happy to receive these future awards.

“When we started, we just wanted to be a Blue Öyster Cult tribute band. That wasn’t really going anywhere, so we tried some theatrics. A little face paint, some Lucifer cosplay, and presto – we’re famous,” said Mr. Papa. “I like to call it ‘clean Satanism.’ It’s a fun occult time for the whole family. We’re only trying to offend the two hardcore Christians that exist in Sweden. It certainly isn’t offending my brokerage account. If that’s worth an award, who am I to argue?”

Demetrius Hail, a Grammy consultant and music historian who doesn’t specialize in metal but bills hourly for any genre analysis, offered his findings.

“Metallica, with their groundbreaking debut ‘St. Anger,’ essentially birthed metal as we know it. They set the stage for bands like Slipknot, who amplified the loud noises and invented putting scary things on your head,” Hail asserted confidently. “Ghost brought this to the mainstream by making the headgear much less scary and not really doing metal at all, while infusing it with a vibe I call ‘witchy men.’ This spectacle-over-substance brand has become beloved by young fans. I call them the big three, and they’ll be dominating the genre for years to come.”

At press time, Underwood was heard exclaiming, “We need five?!” as he frantically clicked on a ‘Stranger Things’ playlist that may have actually been a Disturbed album cover.