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Star Trek Characters Ranked by How Drunk They Would Get at a Wedding

The Star Trek franchise mostly takes place centuries from now, when humanity has rid itself of its worst instincts, gotten its shit together, and passive-aggressively pressures alien species to join the Federation, its own personal fan club.

But while the future may be a more civilized and rational place (except for all the interstellar war, of course), there is always one constant in existence: if there’s a wedding, somebody is going to get crazy smashed and do stuff to make the bride cry. We ranked these 50 Trek characters by how embarrassingly drunk off cheap Romulan wine they’d get at an acquaintance’s wedding, and it’s not pretty.

50. Sarek

Spock’s dad is a distant, humorless scold, even by Vulcan standards, so you know there’s no chance that he’s going to let loose at a wedding, even while one of his several human wives gets sloshed. If anything, he would bring the whole vibe down as he explains some boring diplomatic issue during a toast, which nobody asked him to give.

49. Data

Canonically, Data can get drunk even though he’s an android because of magic science, basically. However, Data would be too interested in discussing the actual human scenario of getting a bit tipsy at a wedding and hitting on a bridesmaid who, hopefully, isn’t your cousin to get any heavy drinking done. He may be a sophisticated positronic robot, but remember, he’s a nerd first.

48. Tasha Yar

Tasha Yar is a badass, and without question, she can hold her liquor. She didn’t grow up on a planet with a collapsed government and roving gangs of human monsters so she could let her guard down just because an ensign got hitched to their Academy girlfriend. If anything, she’d be bodily tossing drunks off the dancefloor.

47. Pavel Chekov

Oh, so just because this Monkees-looking motherfucker is Russian, you think he’s going to get hammered at the wedding reception for the Andorian ambassador? Try to think of how you treat people as stereotypes and judge yourself self accordingly. He’s going to get hammered at the afterparty.

46. Beverly Crusher

Frankly, Dr. Crusher has never really had that much personality beyond red hair and once having ghost sex with the same weird spirit that sleeps with all the women in her family. She’d have a white wine spritzer and leave early so she could do space aerobics in the morning in an unflattering outfit.

45. Odo

Constable Odo doesn’t like fun. He doesn’t like having fun, he doesn’t like it when anyone else has fun, and he didn’t even have fun at his own marriage to Counselor Troi’s kooky mom (it didn’t last). It would be hard even to drag this cop of a changeling to a wedding, let alone get him to drink the Deep Space Nine equivalent of an O’Doul’s.

44. Deanna Troi

Speaking of which, Counselor Troi would probably get down with a few sambucas if she had the chance. But knowing her, she would probably sense that a Bajoran priest was having bummed thoughts about never getting married and spending the rest of the wedding reception using her Starfleet emotional support psychic powers.

43. Quark

We know, it seems like Quark would be the type to totally rage at a wedding reception. However, remember the Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #92: There are many paths to profit. While everybody else is getting fucked up and having a good time, Quark will be soberly making deals with suckers a little too tipsy to know better and idiots a lot too drunk to bargain better.

42. Professor Moriarty

The Holodeck version of Professor Moriarty has probably never drank anything stronger than a dram of elderberry wine, and he’s definitely never been to a wedding. Frankly, with his Victorian uptightness, you’d be lucky for him even to take off his top hat. It sucks to be a hologram.

41. Harry Kim

Ensign Harry Kim served faithfully on a lost starship for years without ever getting a single promotion, which should indicate that he has a whole lot to drink about. However, he’s an inveterate rule-follower by nature, and there’s no way he would ruin someone’s wedding by getting all that drunk. In fact, he’d probably offer to be someone’s designated driver.

40. Spock

Sure, Spock can chill out better than his old man, but he only gets really wild when he gets horny every seven years and tries to kill someone. He’d probably just have a vodka tonic to “fit in with local customs” and arch his eyebrow in a weird, smug way. Dick.

39. Mirror Spock

Same, but with a goatee.

38. The Borg Queen

The Queen is the center of the vast, terrifying hive mind that is the Borg, called the “One Who Is Many” or “writers didn’t think they’d have to figure out how a hive mind works.” She seems like she could put some red wine away and start to get uncomfortably handsy with a groomsman, but a Queen never gets sloshed. She just gets tipsy.

37. Nyota Uhura

Uhura has way too much self-respect ever to get hammered at a wedding. She had to kiss Kirk while under alien mind control and still managed not to puke over herself, so she’s not going to get sloppy at a wedding reception, ever. She might make out with Spock though.

36. Guinan

Guinan is the bartender on the USS Enterprise-D, which raises the question of why an expeditionary science vessel with the firepower to devastate a planet has an airport lounge on it. She’s probably going to be working the bar at a wedding, too, which is problematic in its own way, but still not drunk.

35. Morn

Morn is hardcore. This gregarious, incredibly charming raconteur hangs out at Quark’s bar all day long and never seems even the least bit tipsy. He’s not going to get drunk at a wedding, but he’ll definitely one-up the best man’s speech, dominate the dance floor, and go home with two to three bridesmaids. Morn fucking rules.

34. Benjamin Sisko

Captain Benjamin Sisko doesn’t mind some mysterious clear alcohol out of a square glass in his own quarters as he attempts to justify potential genocide, but he’s unlikely to get really trashed at a wedding reception, if only because of the dignity of his station. The guy is basically the messiah of a planet, it wouldn’t look great for him to get liquored up and piss behind the cake station.

33. Leeta

Dabo girls deal with drunks, gamblers, and Morn all night long, which means they have a high tolerance for alcohol and also the occasional need to get totally ripped. Leeta has a bit of a wild side, given that she married a Ferengi, but that probably means she’s just going to buzzed enough to do some ear stuff with him later. Star Trek sex is weird.

32. Khan Noonien Singh

The best way to get Khan drunk at a wedding is to tell him that Kirk did more shots than him. It’ll take a while, given his genetically engineered physical superiority, but you’ll be able to get him at least tanked enough to start quoting ‘Moby-Dick’ or some shit.

31. Jonathan Archer

This half-assed Kirk substitute is too boring even to be noticed at a wedding, let alone get wasted.

30. Kai Winn

Even in the far-off future and on another planet, priests have a tendency to like a sip of the good stuff. Although we don’t know if Bajorans have the equivalent of “getting drunk on sacramental wine before service,” we are pretty certain that Winn would be at least a little bit lit by the vows and probably end up decrying the bride as a shameless harlot.

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