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So You Agreed to Jam With Your Coworker. Here Are 5 Ways to Fake Your Own Death

So it finally happened. Word got out at work that you play an instrument and now that one coworker who plays bass wants to jam with you. You panicked, started sweating profusely, then blurted out “Yes, we totally should!” But don’t worry.

Although as burdensome and painful as it may seem, these things happen all the time. And believe it or not, it’s nothing that can’t be taken care of with a good old-fashioned death faking. So these 5 ways certainly aren’t the only ways to make everyone believe you’ve died, they’re just the most practical examples and a good starting place.

1. Plan a Big Vacation to a Place Ripe With Turmoil and Never Return

“Can you believe he/she/they’re (you) is going all the way to Syria for vacation? Doesn’t (you) know we’re (The USA) still bombing shit like crazy over there?” Why yes, you are totally aware. But a killer selfie at Ancient Aleppo is worth it so much, you’re going to “die” for it.

2. Convince Your Coworkers You Have a Gambling Problem, Then Make Them Believe Bookies Made You “Disappear”

It really helps if you show up to work the day prior to your sudden “disappearance” with both of your thumbs broken or your kneecaps smashed. You’d think that would be enough to convince your coworker that you’re too injured to jam, but think again. Shouldn’t have placed that last bet on the Celtics like you’ve been crying to everyone at the office about for the past 3 days.

3. Offer to Pick Up Lunch That Day and Fake an Elaborate Armed Robbery at a Subway, Then “Die” from Suicide by Cop

This is where they start to get a little difficult. You’re either going to have to actually rob the place, go ballistic, then die in a hail of gunfire. Or you’ll have to find a way to convince the cops, the restaurant staff, all the local papers and everyone close to you to be in on it and that you really don’t want to jam Zeppelin covers with Carl from shipping.

4. Take Out the Trash, Fall, and Get Trapped in the Dumpster, Then Fake Getting Crushed by the Garbage Truck’s Trash Compactor

This one is as simple as they come. Just get the schedule of the garbage truck down, offer to take out the garbage when it shows up, then quickly tear off your clothes, wrap them around the trash bag full of jello and various animal parts you have set aside, leave your nametag in the ground next to the garbage can and huck the meat-bag version of yourself in the compactor and then “splat!” No more stress of getting together with anyone for a jam session ever again!

5. Just Quit Your Job….Then Have a Friend Run You Down With Their Car as You Leave

Just tell them to take this job and shove it, then pow! This one does involve you being seriously injured, sure. But do you really want everyone thinking you’re in a band with your coworker? I didn’t think so.