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DeSantis Promises to Change Fifty Stars Section of American Flag to Punisher Logo if Elected

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor and Republican Presidential Candidate, Ron DeSantis, promised that, if elected, he would change the fifty stars section of the American flag to the Punisher logo, cheering Floridians confirmed.

“Red, white, and blue and skull!” DeSantis emphasized in a speech while at a poorly attended campaign stop. “Don’t get me wrong, nothing makes me more excited than seeing the American flag flying high in the wind, but that fifty starts portion, it makes no sense. State equality, unity, and peace, does any of that sound American to you? I promise, that when I am elected president of this great country, I’ll wipe our flag clean of all wokeness and replace it with something that better symbolizes the real America, the long skull called the Punisher logo!”

This promise had DeSantis’ supporters foaming at the mouth.

“Ron knows what’s important. As much as I love our flag I’ve always been bothered because some of those stars represent states that make me hate America, it makes me sick to think the star representing my state looks exactly like the star that represents Massachusetts, or worse, California. I look forward to pledging allegiance to a flag that reflects the values I stand for,” said longtime DeSantis supporter Jayce Warner. “As a matter of fact, I got two of them skulls tattooed on me, one on each fist. It symbolizes death to terrorists, and hell yeah police, and death to all libs. And that’s what I’m all about. DeSantis 2024! Four more years!”

Vexillologist, Shaina Thames, begrudgingly explained how this is a common campaign tactic to gain support.

“Every year some lunatic threatens to change the makeup of the American flag to gain support, and the sad part is sometimes it actually works. Not only would it be a bad idea aesthetically, but the waste of taxpayer money to make it happen would be astronomical,” confirmed Wembley. “Bush promised to have a weapon of mass destruction hidden somewhere on the flag. Clinton wanted all American flags to be made out of beach towels to help clean up certain messes. Almost every candidate does it, and DeSantis is now workshopping his. God help us.”

At press time, DeSantis promised if elected he would give every American a loaded gun.