Present Father! This New Dad Talks Over His Wife When Describing Their “Birth Story”

Posted on by Rachel Hein

Topher Klein wants other fathers-to-be to know that just because they’re not the one giving birth doesn’t mean the birth story isn’t about them. Some deadbeat dads take a supportive, backseat role during childbirth. Not Topher. “The role of ‘father’ is not a subordinate one — during childbirth or ever.”

Ashlynne Klein opened up about her contractions when Topher interjected, “There’s so much people don’t understand when it comes to epidurals–” He proceeded to shed light on female pain management during labor. Ashlynne looks at him lovingly, “Sometimes I start to say something and I just don’t say it right. He always says it better. I’m so lucky.”

Talking about your birth story is such a big part of giving birth. A source close to the couple told us she visited their home for dinner after the arrival of their firstborn and after four and a half hours she had heard the whole story. “I don’t have kids and I don’t really like babies, so I didn’t care about all the details. I especially didn’t like how Topher started by telling me how the baby was conceived, it was vile, but they seemed like they really needed to tell me about it,” she explained. “Ashlynne and I were in the kitchen and she started to tell me more about the birth and then Topher ran in, red-faced, and sweaty to cut her off and kind of just say it louder. I went home and took my birth control.”

But the road to delivery wasn’t an easy one. For nine months, Topher experienced a “sympathetic pregnancy” — i.e. physical and psychological symptoms that men feel when their partner is pregnant. “The manifestation he felt from my pregnancy was really hard on his body. He really struggled and I had to step up and be there for him however I could,” Ashlynne said.

Topher is now writing a book about his experience, as well as starting a podcast with another local “present father” where he’ll use his experience to help expecting fathers (and mothers) navigate their own pregnancy and fatherhood journey. A proud Ashlynne told us, “Topher is such a colorful storyteller. That’s why I fell in love with him. He insisted on a home birth because he did so much research and knew he– I mean we– could do it on our own and didn’t need help from anyone. I don’t know what I’d do without him… probably go to a hospital.”

After educating himself on breastfeeding and even sharing in eating the placenta with his wife, Topher makes sure she isn’t alone for a single moment. And though reproduction is shared by all life forms since the beginning of time, some breeders are special. Topher notes, “It’s kind of my thing, you know?” Ashlynne beams, “My life really began when I became a mom.” “Our life,” he adds.

Oh Fuck: ‘Poser’ Baby Wearing Thrasher Onesie Can Actually Skate

Posted on by Matt Husser

LOS ANGELES — Local skater Chris Poole was left shocked today after he jokingly called a baby wearing a Thrasher shirt a ‘poser,’ only to discover that the baby could actually skate, sources confirmed.

“I saw this pudgy baby wearing a Thrasher shirt and made a little joke about him being a poser—well he must have heard me because next thing I knew that baby took my skateboard and did a back smith down the rail at Chevy Chase first try, I had been trying that all day and he showed me up,” said Poole, recalling the incident. “I thought maybe I could get him to stop and give my skateboard back by jingling my keys in front of him, but he just grabbed them and threw them into a storm drain. I don’t think his parents got around to teaching him about the importance of sharing because he never gave me my board back, either.”

Brian Denny, another skater who witnessed the scene, started recording on his iPhone while the baby humiliated Poole in front of the large crowd.

“That baby must have taken that comment personally because he was talking mad shit to that guy, it was mainly incomprehensible babble, but you could tell by his tone that he meant business,” said Denny, posting the video of the incident on TikTok. “Look, you can clearly see that baby winking at that guy’s girlfriend after he lands a nollie tre flip over the double set, too. It just goes to show you that you gotta watch who you talk shit to, because you never know—a couple years ago I made fun of a baby wearing a Slayer onesie and let’s just say I can never go back to that Guitar Center.”

While the baby’s mom, Pam Murphy, was taken aback by the incident, she wasn’t entirely surprised after noticing that her son Travis had developed an interest in skateboarding even before he could walk.

“Honestly we don’t know where Travis picked up this behavior, neither me or his dad skateboard, but just last week we checked on him after his nap and he had somehow filmed an entire part with William Strobeck for Supreme,” said Murphy, installing skatestoppers on the furniture of their house. “For the record we didn’t buy him that Thrasher shirt either, he just showed up with a bunch of merch one day along with an invitation to tour with the Baker team.”

At press time, baby Travis was fielding several offers for a line of signature baby skate shoes, pending a parental permission slip.

Bonnie Tyler Projected To Earn $1.47 Off “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” Spotify Streams During Solar Eclipse

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

AUSTIN, Texas – Recording artist Bonnie Tyler is projected to rake in a record $1.47 from Spotify as millions of users are expected to stream her 1983 hit “Total Eclipse of the Heart” during the once-in-a-lifetime celestial event today, sources confirmed.

“It’s wonderful that people are still embracing the song over 40 years later and enjoying it during such an amazing cosmic occurrence,” Tyler said. “Thanks to my fans, the financial windfall has been so great that I added guacamole to my Chipotle order yesterday without any hesitation, it really made my burrito bowl sing. I was even able to pay for another 15 minutes on my parking meter so I didn’t have to rush. Also, I’m going to pay it forward and donate a portion of this to St. Jude Children’s Hospital next time I check out at the grocery store. I love you all!”

Spotify executive Victor Rodriguez offered congratulations to Tyler for earning the massive payout.

“People are turning to Tyler’s timeless song during the eclipse, which speaks to her enduring talent as a performer,” Rodriguez said. “We’re pleased to say this total ranks in the top 0.01% percent of Spotify’s artist disbursements. Unfortunately, the sudden spike in popularity of the song caught us off guard and we will have to lay off about 400 employees due the size of the payout. This is just the current reality of the music industry.”

Novelty song historian Benjamin Kenisky noted that while Tyler may be setting records with the eclipse, other artists have also benefited from songs tied to specific dates or events.

“With essentially every song ever made at our fingertips, people are naturally going to turn back to an old classic when something like the date reminds them,” Kenisky said. “It’s not just Mariah Carey that cashes in each year because of a holiday hit, Bradley Nowell’s widow gets about 75 cents every year for ‘April 29th, 1992’ streams. Lagwagon splits around 29 cents five ways for ‘May 16’ streams each spring. And of course Earth, Wind and Fire splits a whole dollar nine ways for their song ‘September” every September 21st.

At press time, Greg Ginn of Black Flag was considering adding an extra dipping sauce to his McNuggets order in anticipation of Flag Day.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Preparing To Look Directly Into The Sun

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Eclipse season is upon us again, and if you’ve found yourself on a road trip to decimate some small town’s economy for a chance to hang out in the path of totality, you’re probably trying to craft some playlists that will impress your friends in the car. Most people think to go for the classics when out on the open road, but you want a leg up. We’re here to help. Here are some of the hottest tracks our staff found while searching “new music” on Google.

Better Lovers “The Flowering”

We hope you’ve drafted a will, because Better Lovers are back and their new single might just kill you. “The Flowering” wastes no time kicking you square in the jaw. After the absolute heart attack that is the song’s intro, you’ll be wondering how you’ll ever be able to stand again if you even survive the onslaught of punishing riffs and hooks. Our intern made the mistake of listening to this one on an empty stomach and he hasn’t left the hospital since.

Knocked Loose “Don’t Reach For Me”

Everyone at the office has been afflicted with a permanent stank face since Knocked Loose dropped their latest, sludgiest track ‘Don’t Reach For Me’ on Wednesday. Singles as heavy as this one should really come with a disclaimer about the risks of permanent facial disfiguration. Quite frankly, most of us didn’t even think it was legal to produce such disgusting guitar tones. Our lawyers will be looking into it as soon as the dizziness wears off from all the spin-kicks they were doing earlier.

Frail Body “Refrain”

Don’t worry, no one is screaming in the apartment below you. That’s just what “Refrain” from Frail Body’s latest album ‘Artificial Bouquet’ sounds like. Perhaps the vocals only appear muffled due to the absolute ocean of guitar fuckery laid atop the arrangement, leaving little to no breathing room for anything else in a truly epic sonic assault. You’ll probably want to reserve this one for a headphone listen unless you want your dickhead neighbor Greg to call the cops again.

Dreamcar “Moonage Daydream”

Have you ever wondered what No Doubt would sound like if they had to back Davey Havok from AFI? Neither have we, but it’s apparently been a thing since 2017. The supergroup, Dreamcar, just dropped their aptly titled new EP, ‘Dream.’ The road-worn stylings of all involved make for a goth-pop joyride that’s crisp enough to be played at Spencers instead of Hot Topic. “Moonage Daydream” plays true to the original Bowie version with as much No Doubt and Havok fuckery as you would expect.

Cloud Nothings “Silence”

In case your most depressed skater friend hasn’t told you, Cloud Nothings are preparing to release their eighth album, ‘Final Summer.’ If the lead singles have been any indicator, the album will be a testament to the band’s consistency and a continuation of the gritty return to form found on 2021’s ‘The Shadow I Remember.’ The most recent advance track, ‘Silence,’ proves that it’s impossible for the Cleveland trio to craft something that isn’t the hookiest, grungiest song you’ve ever heard. It would be kind of infuriating if it weren’t so satisfying.

The Flaming Lips and Stardeath And White Dwarfs “Eclipse feat. Henry Rollins”

Sure this one isn’t new, but it does literally mention an eclipse. It’s also not as off-putting as blaring an actual Pink Floyd song while five of your friends are crammed into your friend Dan’s little subcompact. (Seriously, guys, you couldn’t rent a van for this?). Not only that, but it features Henry Rollins doing some crazy high backup vocals. No one will appreciate it more than the friend who brought shrooms for everyone, but it will surely be enjoyed by all.

Since there are only about twenty minutes of music here, you’re probably wondering what to listen to for the remaining four hours of your drive. Don’t worry, we have you covered with a massive and disorienting playlist. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

Inspiring! This Woman is Proud of Standing up for Herself Despite Being Objectively Wrong

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

We all know how important it is for women to start standing firmly in their truths, especially in a post “Me Too” world. That’s why we have the privilege and the honor to profile a strong and inspiring woman who did just that.

Laura Howe isn’t all talk – she puts her money where her righteous, feminist mouth is. She knew the time had come for her to stand up for herself, so she did it, once, over the weekend.

We sat down with her for an inspiring, girlboss interview where she talks about what brought her to this moment of righteous rebellion, “I haven’t started therapy yet, but all the mental health accounts I follow talk about the importance of boundaries and of not backing down when intimidated by a man. Unless of course, that man is your father. Or your boss. I mean, let’s not go crazy.”

In a touching moment that brought both interviewee and interviewer to tears, she goes further into the incident: “There was this random man trying to tell me that I couldn’t park where I wanted to. It’s like, men park their huge gas guzzlers wherever they want all the time. I can’t take up ONE spot with those little blue chair circle doodles on it for 20 minutes?” When asked if she was, perhaps, referring to a handicapped spot she said, “The spot looked fine to me. Anyways, it was so rude. Especially since it happened during Women’s History Month, of all times.” The incident happened in February.

Her friends were more than happy to share with us some other inspiring moments. “She gets so much traction on Twitter, which is such a male-dominated field these days. Like just last week, she was tweeting about how we need to take care of our planet and she said ‘Just because Earth is flat doesn’t mean we should abuse it.’ Like, mother nature shouldn’t be held to our society’s sexist beauty standards. Some of us are flat, okay? She got like 3,000 quote tweets. I’m so proud.”

The further we got into this profile, the more we realized that perhaps Laura doesn’t know very much. But men have been confidently wrong for centuries, so we consider this a net positive for feminism and tip our Bigfoot is Real caps to her.

Journalist Who Dreamed of Writing from the Front Lines Willing to Settle for Summarizing SNL Skits for HuffPost

Posted on by Peter Woods

NEW YORK — Journalist Cherie Estrada is finally willing to compromise her dream of covering wars from the frontlines and settle for writing weekly recaps of Saturday Night Live skits for HuffPost, confirmed sources close to Estrada confirmed that reported she sounded kind of sad when she took the job

“I’ve always wanted to do work that mattered,” said Estrada. “Shedding light on the struggles of the oppressed, so I could open up the eyes of people around the world to the atrocities happening on a daily basis, that sort of thing. But I got sacked during a recent media buyout and I could use a little security. If that means waking up on Sunday and describing how Kenan Thompson once again stole the show, or how the host James Brolin gave it his all but ultimately the writing fell flat then so be it. I may not be on the front lines in Ukraine, but I am at the forefront of Please Don’t Destroy criticism, and I’m proud of that.”

In response, members of HuffPost’s staff shared their willingness to work with Estrada.

“We’re always looking for people to cover important cultural zeitgeists like SNL,” said Danielle Belton, Editor-in-Chief for The Huffington Post. “This journalism is integral for our culture and goes above and beyond the usual clickbait that other news outlets publish. But it’s nice that so many of our readers do click those articles! And while they are on the page, maybe they could click on another article. Or maybe you could just click on this little article over here. Come on, just give this one a click. Just a little click, it won’t hurt. Don’t forget to throw us $2 to keep this whole thing afloat.”

“We need this,” added Belton.

However, critics from the journalism community have spoken out against Estrada’s decision.

“Selling out to the lame-stream media is gross,” said Truman Duarte, a self-described gonzo journalist. “Dedicated journalists like me need to do the REAL work of exposing America to the TRUTH. And that’s what I’m trying to do, but no one ever talks to me after they realize I publish everything on Substack. So I usually make up things I think my sources would say if they hadn’t threatened to call the cops on me. But I do THAT in a TRUTHFUL sort of way. Which HuffPost apparently can’t handle, since they ignore all of my pitches.”

As of press time, Estrada was hoping her bosses would take notice of her good work and consider her for a positioning recapping season three of “The Bear.”

Fuck: I Finally Got My Revenge Body But It Turns Out He Broke Up With Me Because of My Personality

Posted on by Malia Simon

Well, I finally did it. After 6 months of doing high-intensity interval training in 100-degree heat and only eating egg whites and the stems of carrots, I finally achieved the absolute hottest body I could possibly get without being admitted to a hospital.

Now it’s finally time to drive by my ex’s house and show him what he’s missing. I can’t wait to step out of the car and stand motionless on his front lawn like a life-sized Barbie doll and make him rethink things because, as we all know, if someone breaks up with you it is because of your body and no other possible factors.

Well guys, I gotta be honest, I’m confused. I went by my ex’s place and stood in the glistening sunlight just as planned, but he did not once suggest we get back together and instead hit me with a “Kelsey? Jesus Christ, what are you doing here? You have 30 seconds to get off my lawn or I’m telling my lawyer you’re violating the restraining order.”

I was so shocked I had to lean against the car. Well, I was doing that anyway because I’m extremely faint. But still.

“I was hoping for a ‘Happy to see you, you look great,’” I told him, hoping this might draw attention to the new body I martyred myself to achieve for the sole purpose of this moment.

“You were always attractive,” he said. “I broke up with you because you’re a huge bitch who can’t let anything go. You emotionally abused my dog. You accused me of wanting to fuck my sister after I bought her a birthday present.”

Huh?? As it turns out, this fucking asshole is way less superficial than I thought. Guess he wasn’t kidding about this whole “you have a personality disorder” business. I always thought that was just men’s way of saying “You look fat,” but turns out I am just fat on the inside.

Well, what a massive fucking waste of my time. I’ve spent the past 6 months only working out. I quit my job to spend more time on Peloton. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this home gym? I have so many goddamn dumbbells.

There is really only one solution I can think of at this point, and that is to start working out more. I think the message was loud and clear that my body still isn’t quite at the level it needs to be yet, and that’s good feedback to receive. As the fitness influencers I follow on Instagram say, work on perfecting your body and mind, and by body and mind, we mean body.

If that doesn’t work, I’ll just kidnap his dog again.

Indie Band With One Unnecessary and Weird Instrument Wishes It Was Still 2004

Posted on by Peter Woods

BALTIMORE — Members of indie rock band My Word, Countess!, a group most famous for their incorporation of a French horn player, admitted that they wish it was still 2004, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Back in the day, people used to get so excited when I would bust out ‘the brass ax,’” said French horn player Alyssa Bartlett. “But now we show up and everyone just writes it off as some kind of gimmick. Plus, it was super nice getting to a gig and knowing I would get to talk to someone who played zither or vibraphone or didgeridoo instead of the usual lineup of guitarists asking about pedals and drummers asking about the best DUI lawyers. I miss knowing there would be someone at the gig who would have my back.”

The other members of My Word, Countess! who play more traditional instruments share this same sense of nostalgia.

“It used to be such a massive boost for our band. Vice was basically following us around like we were the Beatles, there was nothing else like it. Spike Jonze originally asked us to provide songs for ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ but he said the songs were so good they distracted from the movie,” said drummer Lana Moses. “But now the horn is just sort of annoying. Alyssa looks absolutely ridiculous in every promo photo, it’s impossible to fit the weird-shaped case in the tour van, and there isn’t a single sound guy in town who knows how to mic that thing. It frankly just doesn’t seem worth the headache anymore.”

However, some in the music business feel quite excited about this trend continuing to drift further into the past.

“There was a good four or five years where we couldn’t get anyone to join and stay in our philharmonic family,” said Tanner McKee, the in-house conductor for the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra. “It feels like every single one of our players went through a phase where they were too busy playing with some Canadian indie rock band with 17 members to play the classics. But thankfully, most of them have remembered their place and have come crawling back.”

At press time, Bartlett stated that she would only spend the next “three or so” years waiting for the 20-year trend cycle to turn in her favor, if this shift does not materialize, she claims she will start applying to grad school.

Dad at WrestleMania Spends Three Hours Commenting on Poor Table Craftsmanship

Posted on by Matt Husser

PHILADELPHIA — Local dad Ken Schmidt reportedly spent the majority of a father-son trip to WrestleMania 40 commenting on the poor craftsmanship of the ringside tables, wrestling fans sitting near the man confirmed.

“Geez Louise—these things must be made of wet particle board. These guys keep going straight through the tables, these cheap things couldn’t support my lunch, let alone those big fellas falling on it,” said Schmidt, scrutinizing the destroyed table through his binoculars. “Somebody ought to tell them to invest in some nice red oak, the dense grain makes it resilient against dents from all the flips these guys are doing onto them. It’ll cost you more, but if you treat it right it’ll last you another 40 WrestleManias.”

Schmidt’s fifteen-year-old son Brian was reportedly seen slinking low into his seat after being embarrassed by his dad’s public display of carpentry knowledge.

“My Dad is so embarrassing, it’s WrestleMania 40 weekend! The Rock is back! Rhea Ripley vs. Becky Lynch! We’re gonna get to see Cody Rhodes finish the story! And the entire time Dad won’t shut up about mortise and tenon joints,” said the teenager while repeatedly trying to stay hidden by doing that John Cena hand thing. “The worst part was that he actually went down there with a leatherman tool, a tape measure and a level to fix a wobble on one of the tables during a match! The security guards were pissed, I thought they were going to hurt him.”

The constant heckling from Schmidtt caught the attention of one of the wrestlers, who started to think he made some good points about the quality of the furniture at the event.

“You know, I never thought about it before but these cheap tables are constantly breaking apart on us. It really makes the whole operation look kind of unprofessional,” said WWE superstar The Miz, ahead of his Six-Pack Ladder match. “Plus we’re getting hit on the head with these steel chairs so often, you’d think they’d put some padding on them. And don’t get me started on those ladders, maybe it wouldn’t take us ten minutes to climb up and grab the belt during ladder matches if they weren’t so damn wobbly.”

At press time, several wrestlers were seriously injured after the new walnut-wood live edge Spanish Announcer’s Table didn’t break after dozens of powerbombs.

“You Believe In a Fairy Tale!” Yells Atheist at Title Fight Fan Who Thinks They Will Reunite

Posted on by John Danek

HAZLETON, Penn. — An outraged atheist berated a fellow customer in a local record shop upon overhearing a discussion that dormant hardcore act Title Fight will be resurrected soon, frightened shoppers reported.

“I’m so sick of sharing the planet with these morons who can’t separate scientific evidence from fiction, so yes- I screamed in her face that she believes in a fairy tale,” admitted outspoken non-believer Chase Linder. “I was minding my own business buying backup copies of some Bad Religion albums when I heard her saying she thinks Title Fight are going to play shows before the end of the year. I couldn’t contain my rage! Because when this prediction doesn’t happen, she’ll move the goal posts to late 2025 then 2026. These people just can’t ever accept when they’re wrong.”

Sara Powley, the recipient of Linder’s outburst, remained undeterred in her belief of an imminent Title Fight return.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve been attacked for my beliefs, but I’ve learned to stay calm and ask the other person ‘Is this where you want to be when Title Fight returns?’” said Powley, who has inaccurately predicted reunions of Every Time I Die and Bomb the Music Industry! “There’s a new Glitterer album out and I can touch and listen to it and it’s fine, but I can’t fight the feeling that there’s just something more out there. I did think they would reunite for the last three Fests, but I’m like, really sure about it this time.”

Experts have devoted much effort into investigating clues and signs for when beloved punk and indie bands will reunite.

“I’ve studied the ancient tomes of punk like Rollins’ ‘Get In the Van’ and old hate5six videos for signs, and I feel like I’m on the verge of a discovery,” declared Rev. Fr. Terrence Recine, a self-proclaimed “punk monk.” “If I get the numerology correct, I will discover the one true name of Title Fight’s next album. And when I utter it, they will come back from the dead. But I’m not sure that the world is ready to be cleansed by new Title Fight riffs since so many have strayed from the path of catchy, aggressive punk in favor of electronic beats and genre mashes for TikTok views.”

Others polled at the scene of the fight admitted that while Linder made perfect objective sense in his rant, he seemed like a “naysaying dickhole” and all agreed he was likely hurting his cause more than helping.