HAZLETON, Penn. — An outraged atheist berated a fellow customer in a local record shop upon overhearing a discussion that dormant hardcore act Title Fight will be resurrected soon, frightened shoppers reported.
“I’m so sick of sharing the planet with these morons who can’t separate scientific evidence from fiction, so yes- I screamed in her face that she believes in a fairy tale,” admitted outspoken non-believer Chase Linder. “I was minding my own business buying backup copies of some Bad Religion albums when I heard her saying she thinks Title Fight are going to play shows before the end of the year. I couldn’t contain my rage! Because when this prediction doesn’t happen, she’ll move the goal posts to late 2025 then 2026. These people just can’t ever accept when they’re wrong.”
Sara Powley, the recipient of Linder’s outburst, remained undeterred in her belief of an imminent Title Fight return.
“This isn’t the first time I’ve been attacked for my beliefs, but I’ve learned to stay calm and ask the other person ‘Is this where you want to be when Title Fight returns?’” said Powley, who has inaccurately predicted reunions of Every Time I Die and Bomb the Music Industry! “There’s a new Glitterer album out and I can touch and listen to it and it’s fine, but I can’t fight the feeling that there’s just something more out there. I did think they would reunite for the last three Fests, but I’m like, really sure about it this time.”
Experts have devoted much effort into investigating clues and signs for when beloved punk and indie bands will reunite.
“I’ve studied the ancient tomes of punk like Rollins’ ‘Get In the Van’ and old hate5six videos for signs, and I feel like I’m on the verge of a discovery,” declared Rev. Fr. Terrence Recine, a self-proclaimed “punk monk.” “If I get the numerology correct, I will discover the one true name of Title Fight’s next album. And when I utter it, they will come back from the dead. But I’m not sure that the world is ready to be cleansed by new Title Fight riffs since so many have strayed from the path of catchy, aggressive punk in favor of electronic beats and genre mashes for TikTok views.”
Others polled at the scene of the fight admitted that while Linder made perfect objective sense in his rant, he seemed like a “naysaying dickhole” and all agreed he was likely hurting his cause more than helping.