PHILADELPHIA — Local dad Ken Schmidt reportedly spent the majority of a father-son trip to WrestleMania 40 commenting on the poor craftsmanship of the ringside tables, wrestling fans sitting near the man confirmed.
“Geez Louise—these things must be made of wet particle board. These guys keep going straight through the tables, these cheap things couldn’t support my lunch, let alone those big fellas falling on it,” said Schmidt, scrutinizing the destroyed table through his binoculars. “Somebody ought to tell them to invest in some nice red oak, the dense grain makes it resilient against dents from all the flips these guys are doing onto them. It’ll cost you more, but if you treat it right it’ll last you another 40 WrestleManias.”
Schmidt’s fifteen-year-old son Brian was reportedly seen slinking low into his seat after being embarrassed by his dad’s public display of carpentry knowledge.
“My Dad is so embarrassing, it’s WrestleMania 40 weekend! The Rock is back! Rhea Ripley vs. Becky Lynch! We’re gonna get to see Cody Rhodes finish the story! And the entire time Dad won’t shut up about mortise and tenon joints,” said the teenager while repeatedly trying to stay hidden by doing that John Cena hand thing. “The worst part was that he actually went down there with a leatherman tool, a tape measure and a level to fix a wobble on one of the tables during a match! The security guards were pissed, I thought they were going to hurt him.”
The constant heckling from Schmidtt caught the attention of one of the wrestlers, who started to think he made some good points about the quality of the furniture at the event.
“You know, I never thought about it before but these cheap tables are constantly breaking apart on us. It really makes the whole operation look kind of unprofessional,” said WWE superstar The Miz, ahead of his Six-Pack Ladder match. “Plus we’re getting hit on the head with these steel chairs so often, you’d think they’d put some padding on them. And don’t get me started on those ladders, maybe it wouldn’t take us ten minutes to climb up and grab the belt during ladder matches if they weren’t so damn wobbly.”
At press time, several wrestlers were seriously injured after the new walnut-wood live edge Spanish Announcer’s Table didn’t break after dozens of powerbombs.