Well, I finally did it. After 6 months of doing high-intensity interval training in 100-degree heat and only eating egg whites and the stems of carrots, I finally achieved the absolute hottest body I could possibly get without being admitted to a hospital.
Now it’s finally time to drive by my ex’s house and show him what he’s missing. I can’t wait to step out of the car and stand motionless on his front lawn like a life-sized Barbie doll and make him rethink things because, as we all know, if someone breaks up with you it is because of your body and no other possible factors.
Well guys, I gotta be honest, I’m confused. I went by my ex’s place and stood in the glistening sunlight just as planned, but he did not once suggest we get back together and instead hit me with a “Kelsey? Jesus Christ, what are you doing here? You have 30 seconds to get off my lawn or I’m telling my lawyer you’re violating the restraining order.”
I was so shocked I had to lean against the car. Well, I was doing that anyway because I’m extremely faint. But still.
“I was hoping for a ‘Happy to see you, you look great,’” I told him, hoping this might draw attention to the new body I martyred myself to achieve for the sole purpose of this moment.
“You were always attractive,” he said. “I broke up with you because you’re a huge bitch who can’t let anything go. You emotionally abused my dog. You accused me of wanting to fuck my sister after I bought her a birthday present.”
Huh?? As it turns out, this fucking asshole is way less superficial than I thought. Guess he wasn’t kidding about this whole “you have a personality disorder” business. I always thought that was just men’s way of saying “You look fat,” but turns out I am just fat on the inside.
Well, what a massive fucking waste of my time. I’ve spent the past 6 months only working out. I quit my job to spend more time on Peloton. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this home gym? I have so many goddamn dumbbells.
There is really only one solution I can think of at this point, and that is to start working out more. I think the message was loud and clear that my body still isn’t quite at the level it needs to be yet, and that’s good feedback to receive. As the fitness influencers I follow on Instagram say, work on perfecting your body and mind, and by body and mind, we mean body.
If that doesn’t work, I’ll just kidnap his dog again.