AUSTIN, Texas – Recording artist Bonnie Tyler is projected to rake in a record $1.47 from Spotify as millions of users are expected to stream her 1983 hit “Total Eclipse of the Heart” during the once-in-a-lifetime celestial event today, sources confirmed.
“It’s wonderful that people are still embracing the song over 40 years later and enjoying it during such an amazing cosmic occurrence,” Tyler said. “Thanks to my fans, the financial windfall has been so great that I added guacamole to my Chipotle order yesterday without any hesitation, it really made my burrito bowl sing. I was even able to pay for another 15 minutes on my parking meter so I didn’t have to rush. Also, I’m going to pay it forward and donate a portion of this to St. Jude Children’s Hospital next time I check out at the grocery store. I love you all!”
Spotify executive Victor Rodriguez offered congratulations to Tyler for earning the massive payout.
“People are turning to Tyler’s timeless song during the eclipse, which speaks to her enduring talent as a performer,” Rodriguez said. “We’re pleased to say this total ranks in the top 0.01% percent of Spotify’s artist disbursements. Unfortunately, the sudden spike in popularity of the song caught us off guard and we will have to lay off about 400 employees due the size of the payout. This is just the current reality of the music industry.”
Novelty song historian Benjamin Kenisky noted that while Tyler may be setting records with the eclipse, other artists have also benefited from songs tied to specific dates or events.
“With essentially every song ever made at our fingertips, people are naturally going to turn back to an old classic when something like the date reminds them,” Kenisky said. “It’s not just Mariah Carey that cashes in each year because of a holiday hit, Bradley Nowell’s widow gets about 75 cents every year for ‘April 29th, 1992’ streams. Lagwagon splits around 29 cents five ways for ‘May 16’ streams each spring. And of course Earth, Wind and Fire splits a whole dollar nine ways for their song ‘September” every September 21st.
At press time, Greg Ginn of Black Flag was considering adding an extra dipping sauce to his McNuggets order in anticipation of Flag Day.