Malpractice? This Doctor Has Terrible Yelp Reviews but Still Won’t Sell Me Fentanyl

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

I don’t know all of my legal rights as a patient, but what I do know is that for a guy with one star on Yelp, Dr. Jeremy Hanson sure is tight-ass when it comes to prescriptions. Look I’ve seen that John Mulaney special, so I know how this is supposed to go. I found the worst-reviewed doctor on Yelp and asked him point blank for highly addictive and dangerous drugs I don’t need. Dude has one star for a reason.

But this guy just looked at me and said “Opioid addiction is a serious problem in this country.” Thanks for the PSA, dork. If I wanted an analysis of the socio-economic issues plaguing the US, I would’ve asked Jake Tapper to be my plug.

He clearly doesn’t know who I am. Nobody doesn’t sell me illegal drugs. I’m not totally sure what “malpractice” means, but my dad’s lawyer friends do, and that’s what counts. Dr. Hanson will definitely be hearing from one of those guys as soon as I can figure out a way to make it seem like he’s the bad guy. I’m self aware enough to realize that on the surface I just seem like a self-entitled jerk with pretty serious addiction issues that I don’t want to address.

What’s even more ridiculous, is this quack tried to act like this was a really medical appointment. Saying things like, I have “high blood pressure” and “probably should eat less red meat” and “show signs of anxiety and depression”. Is this dork serious? If I wanted medical advice, I’d watch a video on YouTube that just confirms the viewpoint I already have. Nobody goes to a doctor for medical advice unless they have at least a million subscribers or have done a collab with Rogan.

Thankfully he did have the hookup on some nose candy, so at least I got to do a rail. It was some new stuff from the streets, that you apply topically. I mean he called it “hydrocortisone cream” and said it was for my “rash. But c’mon, with one star and reviews THAT low, we all know this ain’t rash cream. On an entirely unrelated note, my dermatitis has gone away, and my arthritis flare-ups have calmed down. Cocaine fucking rules.

Millennial’s Alcoholism Traced Back to Prolonged Exposure to Attitude-Era WWE as a Child

Posted on by Chris Bowen

PHILADELPHIA — Local 36-year-old Dennis Waller’s out-of-control alcohol problem can evidently be traced back to the large amount of mid-to-late ‘90s professional wrestling he watched religiously in his formative years, several “rudy-poo candy-ass” sources report.

“I don’t need to hear a bunch of jabronis pissin’ n’ moanin’ about how many cold ones I wanna knock back seven nights a week,” Waller explained while wearing a leather vest over his shirtless body. “If some soft sumbitch comes at me spoutin’ some nonsense about how I can’t drive because I drank beer from a firehouse for six hours, or wants to kick me out for stunnerin’ some jackass unconscious, I’ll open up a can of ass whoopin’ on um’ and that’s the bottom line. Also, if alcohol is so bad, why did Stone Cold Steve Austin make it look so damn cool?”

Wallers’ parents share a strong concern for the wellbeing of their son and those around him.

“If we had known he would turn out to be such an out of control drunk, we would have made him watch WCW instead,” Cindy Waller explained. “Dennis’ father and I completely forbade him from any WCW out of a fear that Eric Bischoff would make an impression on him. In that aspect, sure, we lucked out. But now he constantly gets hammered and gives people the middle finger before putting them in a headlock and trouncing them to the ground. If only we could turn back time and have him only watch ‘American Gladiators’ or ‘Reading Rainbow’ instead!”

Drug and alcohol counselor Dr. Martha Ellenstein says the correlation between 1990s programming and destructive behavior in adult life is quite alarming.

“If you’re in your mid or late 30s right now, chances are you were exposed to some traumatizing, habit-influencing television in your adolescent years and it has sadly ruined your chances at leading a happy life,” Dr. Ellensein explained. “I have one 34-year-old patient whose life was ruined by watching too much ‘Biker Mice from Mars’ as a child. It influenced him to become one of those people who owns rodents as pets. Clearly, his chances at friendship, love, or family bonding are impossible. That’s almost as bad as my patient who insists on living in a van like Cody from ‘Step by Step.’”

At press time, Waller’s current job as an undertaker was somehow traced back to his fandom of professional wrestler Undertaker.

Arms Dealer Makes Everyone Hang Out With Him Before They Buy Weapons

Posted on by Travis Tack

TOLLAND, Mass. — Local arms dealer Alex Corman made a reputation for himself by forcing his clients to hang out with him before they purchase any deadly weapons, confirmed sources who were in a hurry to leave.

“My clients range from governments, revolutionaries, private security firms, and guys who want to defend their studio apartments from danger — and I make them all hang out in my living room so I can have someone to talk to. Being an arms dealer can be quite lonely,” Corman explained. “It’s a simple system: If you want high-quality, reliable weaponry, you need to sit on my couch and watch me play Xbox for two to three hours. And, frankly, I think it’s working because, when those people finally leave my house? I’ve never seen anyone look happier.”

But while the practice has earned Corman quite the reputation, not everyone finds it entertaining.

“I don’t have time for this. I just want to buy a bunch of semiautomatic rifles so we can arm a South American militant group and stage a coup, but this guy won’t stop talking about how lizards smell by using their tongues to capture air particles. Sure, it’s a fun fact, but at what cost?” bemoaned an anonymous guerilla fighter. “I’ve started making up emergencies so I can get out of there quicker. Last week, I told him my grandmother was in the hospital. I shouldn’t have to do that. No one should be held hostage like that just because they need anti-tank weapons.”

In fact, Corman’s practices are so controversial, that it’s become a topic of discussion among federal law enforcement.

“It’s incredibly boring to monitor. Some people showed up the other week trying to buy uranium and he made them all listen to his new lo-fi trip hop album. It’s unbearable. You can almost hear the terrorists losing the will to live,” said Special Agent Harvey Wiggins of the ATF. “We’ve collected tons of evidence at this point, but no one wants to arrest the guy because they’d have to drive all the way out there and listen to his drawn-out anecdotes.”

At press time, Corman wondered if he should rethink his business model after seeing he had a two-star rating on Yelp and Google.

Opinion: If Your Entry Level Job Posting Requires 5+ Years of Experience, I’m Going To Enter Your Home, Fuck Your Wife, and Take Your Dog

Posted on by Livy Berry

Alright, I’ve been looking for jobs for way too long. I have a Bachelor’s degree in computer science, it should not be this hard. I know what I’m doing, and I’m prepared to enter this company at the absolute bottom. But I swear to god, if your entry-level job posting requires 5+ years of experience, I’m going to lose my shit.

Since when is a Bachelor’s degree not enough for an ENTRY level job? College is such a scam. Five years or more? Who the fuck do you think is gonna take this $20 an hour ass job if they’ve already been doing it for five years? This level of gatekeeping is unreal.

Oh, what’s that you say? You just wanted to make sure you get the best person for the job? How do you think you’re gonna feel when your wife makes a similar assessment? That’s right Phil, this week while you’re at your ‘super important job,’ I will be entering your home, making sweet love to your wife, and taking your precious little chocolate lab home with me.

You’ve made yourself quite Googleable, Phillip. Yeah, I know your name. I know your wife’s name too, my friend, but by the end of this week, she will know mine quite well. We’re already friends on Instagram, and she is just itching for me to come over.

I hope while you’re busy feeling like a big man at your staffing company, whatever the fuck that means, you’re thinking about your lovely Laura at home sharing your bed with an unemployed 24-year-old who’s never had a non-customer service job in her life. Your wife is gonna like it better with me, Phil. Your dog will respond to my call faster than he ever did yours. I will claim everything you hold dear in the safety of your own home. Don’t test me, Phil, I’ve got bacon in my pocket, no job, and I’m ready to dominate your household.

Don’t even try to justify yourself, it’s too late. I may not be as experienced as your company “needs,” but I will become the man of your house by Tuesday. How’s that for efficient project completion skills? And just as quickly as I enter, little Roscoe and I will be gone.

Oh, and by the way, along with your dog, I will also be stealing any treasured family items you have on my way out. Laura will tell me where they are. They will now be passed down through my family, Phil. You piece of shit, Phil.

Guy Wearing Mercyful Fate Shirt Inside 200-Year-Old Church Kind of Disappointed He Didn’t Burst into Flames Upon Entering

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local heavy metal fan Eric Tullman was saddened that the Mercyful Fate shirt he was wearing while making an emergency restroom stop in a historic church didn’t cause him to combust when he entered, several sources report.

“After mixing a full portion of Rochester New York’s gourmet dining staple known as a ‘garbage plate’ and my horrible, hyperactive Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I needed a bathroom, fast. Unfortunately, the nearest building to me at the time was this super old church,” Tillman explained, adding he noticed a wedding procession taking place inside. “I thought, ‘I have to really take a shit, but I don’t want to explode because of my shirt…but then again, how cool of a story would it be to crash a wedding with Mercyful Fate-induced human fireball?’ So I ran into the church and though I didn’t burst into flames, I did end up crapping my pants and was kicked out immediately. Better luck next time, I guess!”

According to King Diamond, there is a long story behind why people in situations similar to Tullman’s don’t end up as ash piles.

“When Mercyful Fate became more and more established, people wearing our shirts in churches were set ablaze left-and-right. As evil and badass as this was, I knew that this couldn’t go on forever, so I struck a deal with God,” Mr. Diamond stated. “He and I agreed that if he stopped making my fans explode, I promised to not release any new music, and in turn stop spreading the word of our lord Lucifer for a minimum of a decade at a time. Sure it’s not very metal, but the safety of my fans is #1 priority.”

Music historian Richard Green claims shirts from bands across many genres have caused unusual phenomena.

“Aside from the obvious being a catalyst for potential insults, a lot of bands underestimate the power their t-shirts wield,” Green explained. “Sometimes a simple band shirt can bestow unimaginable abilities on whoever is wearing it. As a matter of fact, one kid in the late 1990s became instantly proficient in both skateboarding and bowling simply by wearing a Goldfinger shirt. I’d say that’s a pretty decent reward for taking a gamble on being seen in public wearing a ska band’s merch.”

At press time, Tullman became disappointed even further when the Mortician t-shirt he wore to a local horror convention didn’t give him any additional film knowledge in his attempt to impress actor Robert Englund.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Waiting For Oasis To Break Up Again

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

With so many cash grab nostalgia tours coming into town, it can be easy to think that listening to new music is somehow not cool anymore. The truth is, new music has always been cool, it’s just you that hasn’t been this whole time. Not to worry, though. We’ll fix this like we fix every single other problem in your life: with a hefty dose of newly released tracks hand picked by the Hard Times staff.

Bad Moves ‘Outta My Head’

DC power pop heroes Bad Moves are set to release their third album ‘Wearing Out The Refrain’ in just a few short weeks. The teaser tracks we’ve heard so far have only served to cement the band as one of the best in their genre. Their latest, ‘Outta My Head,’ is the exact kind of song you’d expect to play over the closing credits of the best summer of your life. So, ya know, maybe next year.

The Menzingers ‘Second City’

The beloved Chicago based punk label, Rise Records, is celebrating their 20th anniversary with a compilation album filled to the brim with new tracks from their storied roster. Former signees, The Menzingers, have just shared their contribution to the absolutely stacked project in the form of the excellent and appropriately titled new track, ‘Second City,’ an ode to the label’s home base.

Enumclaw ‘Grocery Store’

Indie rock newcomers Enumclaw have been steadily making a name for themselves since their debut album in 2022. Armed with viscerally catchy hooks, jagged guitars, and a rhythm section that could cause a building to collapse, it’s no wonder why their star is on the rise. Their sophomore album, ‘Home In Another Life,’ will whisk you back to the early aughts, but hopefully with less of whatever it was you were doing back then.

Vomit Forth ‘Negative Penance’

No, your computer isn’t dying, that’s just how impossibly fast the blast beats are in Vomit Forth’s latest single ‘Negative Penance.’ While we’re not sure we can legally call what they’re doing ‘music,’ we can say that without a doubt it is impressively heavy. We’re not responsible if the breakneck speed of this one causes you to literally ‘vomit forth,’ but we highly recommend you contact your medical professional if that ends up being the case.

Sylvan Esso, The Postal Service ‘The District Sleeps Alone Tonight (Sylvan Esso Remix)’

It seems as though we’ve been celebrating the 20th anniversary of The Postal Service’s sole album ‘Give Up’ for about 30 years now. Well, the party isn’t stopping anytime soon now that Sylvan Esso has entered the chat. In honor of Death Cab For Cutie and The Postal Service’s recently extended joint tour, the duo has released their mind-bendlingly chopped remix of the latter’s ‘The District Sleeps Alone Tonight.’

Oasis ‘Live Forever – Monnow Valley Version’

When two rich white men have beef for nearly two decades, love can work miracles. A presumably giant dump truck of money probably doesn’t hurt, either. In addition to announcing their first tour dates in 16 years, Oasis have also released a treasure trove of ‘Definitely, Maybe’ outtakes including a full length discarded version of the album recorded at Monnow Valley Studios. Welcome back Oasis. We really hope you ‘Live Forever’ this time, but we’re buying ticket insurance either way.

Because we know you’re now clamoring for even more music, we’ve compiled these and a fuckton more songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

Opinion: I Don’t Care What We Name the Band, Just as Long as It Takes 6 Months of Arguing

Posted on by Dan Rice

I want you all to ignore any association you have and just focus on these names in and of themselves: Is Weezer a cool name? How about The Replacements? If you had no idea who The Mountain Goats were and saw they were coming to town would you think “Well I have to check that band out because they’re called “The Mountain Goats!” No, of course not. My point is a band’s name is only as good as a band’s music. It doesn’t matter what we call ourselves, just as long as whatever we land on takes months of arguing, truly alienating frustration, and the genuine dissolution of friendships.

Let’s fucking go, let’s spitball! Come on people, there are no bad ideas. The Horsecats? Dumb. Blood Party? Too metal. Slowball? Sounds vaguely similar to an obscure 1800’s racial slur, pass. This is great though, keep em coming everybody, just 6-8 more months to go and I think we’ll really have something that works.

Let me be clear, this is it for me. I’m in it for the sheer unadulterated frustration of arguing over something that is ultimately trivial for as long as possible. You think I LIKE playing drums? Fuck no. I spent a decade mastering this stupid instrument as a means to get me HERE. For me, playing music is just the cost of doing business. Let’s talk NAMES baby, and as far as I’m concerned, let’s never stop.

Oh, you wanna go with something simple that incorporates all of our last names? Think you’ve found a quick, democratic way out of all this eh? Well, lemme ask ya this: Whose name comes first? Who’s last? Come to think of it, which is better, first or last? And does that make the middle the worst? How about we argue about THAT endlessly, then abandon the last names idea, then circle BACK to it when other name debates get too heated and start the whole thing over again? This isn’t my first rodeo kid. Ain’t gonna be no shortcuts.

Oh, a whiteboard! To write all of our ideas down, great idea! Yeah that will really speed things along. I’ll start us off, Mannequin Pussy. Yeah I know it’s already a band, it’s a great band, that’s why I think we should also use that name. Well, we can spell it different. I don’t care if you disagree, it’s a brainstorm, write it down. There we go, “Mannequin Pussy,” nice handwriting by the way. We’re off to a great start. Now, who wants to order takeout and get drunk?

Solution to All of Man’s Problems Can Be Solved With Non-Running 1985 Ford F150 Long Bed He Found on Facebook Marketplace for $800

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PITTSBURGH — Local man Greg Walters reportedly found the answer to all of life’s problems and challenges in the form of a non-running 1985 Ford F150 Long Bed he impulsively purchased on Facebook Marketplace for $800, bewildered friends confirm.

“This truck is going to change everything. It’s not just a truck; it’s a lifestyle, a project that will give my life purpose,” Walters declared while standing in his driveway next to the rusted-out shell of what used to be a vehicle. “I have always felt this existential emptiness in my chest and this baby here is exactly what I need to fill it. This baby boasts an impressive 80,000 miles on the odometer—but that’s probably rolled over once or twice. Sure, a few of the engine pistons are locked up, there is no fuel going to the carburetor, and when I try to turn on the lights they spark and almost start a fire—but that’s why I got it, to put my whole self into something that needs saving.”

Friends report that Walters asked them to help him spend the afternoon carefully inspecting the truck’s body and listing everything that needs work.

“For a guy that knows nothing about cars [Walters] is in way over his head. The passenger side door barely hangs on its hinges, and the rear bumper is held on by what appears to be zip ties. The brakes are completely seized, and the floor of the cab is completely rusted through,” Walters’ friend and mechanic Amy Zariah said. “I have a feeling this is just going to end up as one of [Walters] long abandoned projects. Like when he decided to become a sneakerhead and spent $1,200 on a single pair of shoes.”

Dr. Angela Marino, an expert in consumer psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, weighed in on the situation.

“There’s a phenomenon where, as people age and can’t find fulfillment in their social life or career, they sink their time and money into, shall we say, lost causes. It’s a classic example of trying to reclaim a sense of purpose through a task that’s almost guaranteed to be more frustrating than rewarding,” Dr. Marino explained. “In Walters’ case, he appears to be seeking fulfillment in a project that will likely require extensive talent and resources, neither of which he has in abundance.”

As of the latest reports, Walters has yet to work on the truck whatsoever, but has instead gotten into woodworking after seeing a TikTok about refurbishing mid-century modern furniture.

Taking the High Road: It’s Been 30 Years Since Insane Clown Posse Released “Santa’s a Fat Bitch” and I’ve Yet to Hear a Response Diss Track

Posted on by Steve Packosky

These days, it seems like division is ingrained into the very fabric of our society. Whether it’s politics, religion, or even sports fandom, the possibility for otherwise civil discourse to become heated is higher than ever. Even music isn’t immune to this ever-present tension, and as a huge hip-hop fan, I find myself disheartened at the constant back-and-forth between my favorite artists. Drake and Kendrick Lamar. Eminem and Machine Gun Kelly. Gucci Mane and Young Jeezy. Some days I feel like I can’t turn my head without learning of a new beef, and the insults are enough for me to give up hope that we’ll ever find a collective higher ground.

There is, however, one example to the contrary that has continuously lifted my spirits for the past several decades. 30 years ago, Insane Clown Posse released the song “Santa’s a Fat Bitch,” and I have yet to hear a response diss track. Is it because Santa has been too busy spreading joy to millions of children year after year, or because he sees no need to stoop to the, quite frankly, churlish and juvenile levels reached in that unwarranted musical polemic? To me, it makes no difference. The precedent Santa is setting can be viewed as a shining beacon to which we all should aspire.

And don’t get me wrong, I haven’t always been confident that Santa would refrain from clapping back. After all, with lyrics like “I guess you couldn’t fit down my chimney shaft; you need to lose some of that fat ass,” could we possibly blame him had he done so? Yet, Christmas comes and goes every year with Santa thanklessly performing his duties; presumably uninterested in contributing to the ceaseless maelstrom of negativity to which we’ve become woefully accustomed. Bravo, Santa. Bravo!

I certainly hope both Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope regret their harsh and unnecessary words so many years ago, and are seeing Santa’s response (or lack thereof) as an opportunity to better themselves going forward. I suppose an honest apology from the two rhyming harlequins would be too much to hope for, but can you blame a guy for dreaming? For now, Santa is saying more with his silence than they ever have.

So let’s all take a page from Santa’s book and strive to converse with one another, instead of at one another. I promise you that such a simple pivot in our behavior will pay dividends for generations to come. Thanks, Santa!

Man Unsure If He’s Listening to Grateful Dead Live Recording or Just In a Guitar Center on a Saturday Afternoon

Posted on by John Danek

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local extremely confused man Kirk Unger struggled to determine if he was hearing a live recording of The Grateful Dead or just standing in the main room at Guitar Center on a busy Saturday afternoon, concerned onlookers reported.

“Look man, I’m not saying I’m on drugs right now, but I’m not NOT saying I’m on drugs either. And I cannot tell if this fantastic groove is the Dead–maybe Washington D.C., 1986?” stated Unger, seemingly unbothered by the multiple Fender Telecasters he knocked over earlier in the day. “I’m hearing multiple musicians harmonize in really avant garde ways, but I’m also hearing subtle homages to ‘Master of Puppets’ and ‘Seven Nation Army.’ Am I in a Guitar Center? Or is the main room of Guitar Center within each and every one of us? Is Jerry still alive?”

Longtime employees of the Burlington location Guitar Center seemed vexed by their own perceptions of reality.

“I cannot do this anymore. I cannot. I’m done. What even is sound? A little kid was butchering the first four notes of Stairway this morning when the Grateful Dead came on the in-store radio. Why does God hate me so much?” asked an exasperated Lisa McCollins, longtime employee in Guitar Center’s drum department. “Later, seven dads all came in to test out the most expensive Les Pauls through Marshall half-stacks. I think maybe one bought some picks. I don’t deserve this punishment. Maybe I’ve inherited sin from my family ancestors. Please, someone, bash my skull in with a Big Muff Pi pedal.”

Musicologists attempt to offer a logical, researched explanation of the appeal of the Grateful Dead’s music.

“Jerry Garcia and his bandmates perfected a form of disconnected noodling played by musicians who don’t care at all what their fellow performers are doing,” offered Dr. Thomas Yardley, professor of music composition & theory at The University of Vermont. “The Grateful Dead, and jam bands in general, create a particular form of benign chaos. Largely unlistenable to the sober ear, the music gets infinitely more pleasurable the more fucked up you get. I’m happy to draw you a graph, if you’d like a visual representation.”

As of press time, Unger was reportedly debating whether or not he was listening to Merzbow or in fact standing next to a cement mixer.