SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Senator Kamala Harris announced a new policy plan that erases all student debt for gamers who are able to complete a 100% playthrough of Mother 4, the highly anticipated sequel to 2006’s Mother 3.

“I am incredibly committed to making sure lower income students get their shot at the American dream,” Harris said in a recent campaign rally. “Many of my detractors claim I just propose progressive policies with no intention of actually following through on them. Well, read my lips: anyone who completes a playthrough of Mother 4, if it ever comes out, will have all their student debt erased!”

“Of course, I should mention that if the game follows in the footsteps of Mother 3, coming out in Japan but never with an English-language version,” Harris continued, “that obviously doesn’t count.”

Other candidates for president were quick to attack Harris’ debt-forgiveness proposal.

“Gamers are too smart. You can’t just trick them into voting for you,” explained gamer candidate for president Ace Watkins. “Gamers have sharpened their minds — and their swords — their entire lives by training in the virtual realm. If you give them a fetch quest where the quest item doesn’t exist, they’re going to get mad. Or they’re going to find a way to glitch through a wall and get it anyway. Never underestimate gamers.”

At press time, there were rumors that Harris also plans to announce her Medicare-for-All plan, which would roll out public health benefits to citizens in possession of a mint condition Black Lotus card from Magic: the Gathering.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

My fellow Americans: First, let me thank you for the overwhelming support I have received just a month into my presidential campaign. At this rate, we will have our first Gamer president next year, and I could not be more excited to embark on this open-world adventure with you all. 

It is time to expand our horizons though, and truly turn the corner into the next step of 100 percenting this playthrough. We must appeal to those outside of our base of Gamers, and reach out to get the votes of the moms and pops, the small business owners, the Golden Tee players. My fear is that we cannot carry the electoral college on the backs of gamers alone. 

Now, those outside of the gaming world are quick to criticize me, saying that a Gamer shouldn’t be President, and that “vidja games are for wussies,” and the like. If I can’t appeal to them with my impressive speed runs or snarky streams, let me appeal to them by describing why a Gamer would be more fit to serve than any previous commander-in-chief. 

I’m not sure how many presidents there have been, but one thing I do know is that about half of them have been rocked by a sexual scandal. Trump, Clinton, Kennedy, and most famously, William Henry Harrison, whose lightning flash of a presidency was merely a 31 day whirlwind term of sucking and fucking that sent him into a disease ridden early grave. A beautiful speedrun. 

These scandals and stories do nothing for our country but diminish our respect on a global scale. I ask you this, voters: What is the surest way to ensure that the president has no sex scandal? Well, that’s simple — elect a man who has never had sex.  

While other presidents spent their pre-political years cheating on their wives, I was courting Emily, the blue haired bartender from Stardew Valley. We never fucked once and somehow still had a baby. When the others were paying off porn stars to keep their misdeeds confidential, I was paying off referees in Mutant League Football to look the other way on my penalties. When all my adolescent friends were masturbating, I was playing Pokémon on my Game Boy and asking them what the heck they were doing. 

Video games have taught me a lot, but perhaps the most important thing is that no earthly pleasure can compare to that of a well timed headshot or perfectly executed raid. I have no skeletons in my closet, because I’ve been streaming League of Legends from my closet every weeknight for the last three years. 

I solemnly swear to you, the voting public, that I have never fucked anyone, including your mom. I’ll see you at the polls!

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Written by Ace Watkins with contributions from Mark Roebuck.