Next Season of ‘The Bachelorette’ Has 3.2 Million Twitch Followers Compete for Pokimane’s Love

BISMARCK, N.D. — After the conclusion of the most recent The Bachelorette season, ABC announced that Twitch user Pokimane would be the show’s next star. According to ABC, she will be choosing a partner from among her three million followers on the streaming platform. 

“I love my fans with all my heart and, based on the constant deluge of graphic sexual comments flood my Twitch chat, the feeling is clearly mutual,” Pokimane said in a statement. “I’m looking to settle down and knew that The Bachelorette series was the right choice for me since I get proposed to thousands of times a day on Instagram.” 

In preparation for the season, ABC has purchased the entirety of North Dakota and built a state-wide “Bachelor Pad” for all 3.2 million followers to live in as they spend the rest of their lives seeking to win the streaming celebrity’s love. 

“This seems like a major commitment, to dedicate the entirety of my life for the miniscule chance that Pokimane will pick me, but to be honest I already have been doing that for the past three years on all her social media platforms,” said one contestant going by the username PokiMan83. 

The first three years of the series will consist entirely of contestants introducing themselves to Pokimane and entering the house, where they will stay unless they fail to receive a rose or pass away. 

Executives expect the series to continue for decades or until Pokimane’s fanbase decides she is no longer hot once she reaches her early to mid 30’s, at which point ABC expects to swap her out with a younger streamer.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Juilliard Dorm Party Ruined By Douchebag Playing “Wonderwall” on Acoustic Oboe

NEW YORK — Freshman Chazz Baldwin utterly ruined a Juilliard dorm party last night with an impromptu, solo oboe rendition of Oasis’ “Wonderwall,” bummed out partygoers confirmed.

“Juilliard, the most prestigious school for music education in the modern world, has never experienced such a vulgar and pedestrian performance in its over 100 years of existence,” said resident assistant Kaylee Singh. “We burned so much sage you can barely see, and a Catholic priest will perform an exorcism tomorrow. Not that any of us really believe that mumbo jumbo, but better safe than sorry.”

Baldwin allegedly tormented the Meredith Wilson Residence Hall with his rendition of “Wonderwall,” unable to “just chill” despite suggestions that “…we take a break from music for the night and just have some drinks.”

“Hey, I was trying to have a chill time and kick it in the dorm with some dope tunes,” said Baldwin between bong rips in his tapestry-adorned room. “It was either ‘Wonderwall’ or ‘Amber Is the Color of Your Energy,’ but my oboe was definitely vibing harder with the boys in Oasis. It’s a great song… and sounds even better on a C woodwind. A lot of these fucking posers wouldn’t know a good musical composition if it bit them in the ass.”

Juilliard officials are offering free therapy to support affected students.

“I’ll definitely take advantage for help coping,” admitted sophomore August Adams. “The oboe is already inherently awful and goat-like. But just wait until you hear a fucking melody from the Gallagher brothers, unaccompanied by any other instruments. I’ve heard Charles Manson interviews that are more pleasant.”

Baldwin’s professors, sadly, were not surprised by his antics.

“Obviously, it’s well-known oboists are the fratboy douchebags of the orchestra,” explained Professor Dorian Nixon. “For example, I like to keep my ensemble democratic, so students get to vote on one piece to learn per semester. Out of Debussy, Bach, or Wagner, Chazz wrote-in Green Day’s ‘Good Riddance (Time of Your Life).’”

“There was no write-in option,” Professor Nixon added.

At press time, Baldwin was being chased through Central Park after reciting bits of Dane Cook’s stand-up act through a vocoder.

Punk Rushes Debate Stage to Grab Beto’s Setlist

DETROIT — Diehard Beto O’Rourke fan Graham Mykins caused a commotion at the second Democratic debate when he rushed the platform in an attempt to obtain the setlist of the former congressman, sources close to the venue report.

“I see dudes like this all the time at these shows, so I wasn’t surprised,” recalled Sean ‘Diesel’ Futch, head of security for the Fox Theatre. “A guy like Beto has a huge punk following, so we were prepared for some rowdy shit. We made sure to have some extra guys working tonight, and set up some metal barriers just to handle Beto’s crowds.”

O’Rourke’s setlist featured a surprising mix of his more well-known hits, like “Immigration,” “Voting Rights” as well as lesser-known tracks like “Talk in Spanish,” and “Shout Out 2 Trans People” which according to event staff, “drove the crowd fuckin’ crazy.” Throughout the evening, reports of crowd surfing and moshing were said to take place during O’Rourke’s brief time speaking.

“More often than not, Representative O’Rourke presents himself as a direct but relatable leader, someone that Americans can trust guiding the country,” explained O’Rourke Press Secretary Aleigha Cavalier. “But Jesus, Detroit fans had Beto in rare form. I’ve seen him play great rooms before, but he was really feeling this crowd. We’ll for sure be back. These motherfuckers are nuts.”

Though Mykins was eventually caught and thrown from the stage by security, he did manage to hang onto the piece of crinkled printer paper, formerly duct taped to the base of O’Rourke’s podium.

“I’ve been following Beto for the last couple of years, but I have never been a big enough donor to his campaign to get close enough to grab some memorabilia,” reported Mykins, from a first aid tent outside the performance space. “I didn’t think anything was gonna beat his speech in El Paso in March, but he fucking destroyed tonight. I needed something to remember this night. Totally worth a couple bruised ribs from getting tackled off stage.”

As of press time O’Rourke was rumored to be at a local bar shortly after the debates, playing a stripped down version of his earlier set, as well as some covers of Barack Obama and The Mars Volta.

Photo by Gage Skidmore.

Meet Gary, the First Ever Person to Pay for Photoshop

We all love the Adobe Creative Suite and we’re thankful it exists online for free if you, uh, know how. But is there anyone on Earth who actually bought the thing? In a small suburb outside of the Twin Cities lives 46 year old Gary Nelson, the first — and likely only — person alive to ever actually pay the full price for Adobe Photoshop. 

“I just logged onto Adobe.com, busted out the ole credit card, and signed up for a monthly subscription. It wasn’t too hard at all,” said Nelson, who has evidently never heard the word “torrent” in his life. 

Nelson, for reasons unknown to man, willingly pays $20.99 USD per month to subscribe to the software, when he could just as easily download it from a Russian site that may or may not infect his computer with an aggressive virus. 

“I guess it’s just a weird quirk I have,” Nelson explained. “I like to collect things that most people wouldn’t ever pay for. Stamps, old coins, subscriptions for Adobe Premiere. I don’t know, my wife says I’m a little strange!”

Nelson also demonstrated a deep sense of wonder about the bonus features he received with his monthly subscription, including 100GB of cloud storage. 

“Plus, I get Adobe fonts with my current plan,” said the pure, ignorant soul. “How neat is that?”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Pat Flynn Accidentally Qualifies for Second Democratic Debate After Impressive Sound and Fury Performance

DETROIT – The Democratic National Committee announced that Have Heart frontman Pat Flynn qualified for the second Democratic debate after an impressive performance at this year’s Sound and Fury Festival.

“I am just as shocked as anybody else. I have to shuffle a few things around to make it work, but I am grateful for the opportunity. It’s exciting to see the support I am getting from hardcore kids, ska kids, and even some metalheads,” said Flynn sporting a limited edition Flynn 2020 t-shirt that will only be available in the lobby of the Fox Theatre. “All the shows have been great, but Sound and Fury really sent this thing over the edge. We raised some money and awareness for great causes. I feel really good right now.”

Videos from Have Heart reunion shows quickly spread via social media. Some saw the passionate performance as an entry into the presidential election.

“You know with the way everything has been going the last several years, I say why not?” said Jeff Miller, who first heard of Flynn after watching the set when it showed up in his YouTube recommended videos list. “His dedication to issues I truly care about really came through those videos. Everyone was talking about it on Twitter and so when it was suggested for me to watch I immediately gravitated to it. He’s got the energy and an uplifting message to really make a go of this thing, you know?”

As the videos spread, the surprise campaign saw Flynn rise in the polls as campaign contributions poured in via a campaign site on the Bridge 9 servers.

“The message was just something I hadn’t seen in any of the other candidates. I had to contribute,” said Flynn supporter Jessica Lopez. “I mean, I stood in line for hours to watch Beto speak and there wasn’t even a single mosh part. This just felt fresh.”

DNC officials were initially reluctant to acknowledge Flynn’s status as a presidential frontrunner for the upcoming debate.

“Difficult to tell if we’ve ever seen anything like this, but Mr. Flynn indeed has, however surprising, met all the requirements for the next Democratic debate,” the official confirmed. “He raised the money, he is polling well above ten percent, and most importantly he is white and he is male.”

Photo by Tyler Ross.

Man Wondering Why You Only Watched Parts 1-23 of His 74 Part Insta-Story

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local man Pete Hughes wondered this morning why several viewers of his latest 74-part Instagram story abruptly stopped watching around part 23, audibly asking those around him while checking the “seen by” list for the seventh time today.

“I mean, if you already sat through 23 parts, why would you bail now?” Hughes exclaimed, still obsessively checking back to see who watched his story and how far into it they got, making a mental note of who betrayed him thus far. “It was just about to get good, too — part 57 is when it really starts to pick up steam.”

Jessica Brent, a former classmate who lost touch with the 31-year-old Hughes back in sophomore year of high school, had almost no recollection of the story’s existence.

“I vaguely remember a slow-motion video of a computer trying and failing to log onto America Online 2.0 via 56k modem — like how we did when we were little,” Brent commented. “Like, why would I want to see that? Also, who even is this dude? Why do I follow him? Did we go to high school together or something?”

For his part, Hughes was clear he believes people should at least do him the courtesy of finishing his story, as he does for them regularly.

“I will always tap until the story is done, to show I support it,” he continued. “They get that little surge of dopamine, it’s nice, and it’s what I expect on my end. I also make sure to ask those questions, vote in all the polls, all that nonsense — for real, why is no one finishing my story? I can only assume it’s because they hate me or something, right?”

At press time, Hughes was hard at work posting his latest story, an “epic 96-parter” of a video of grass for 24 minutes, claiming, “There’s no way anyone will skip this one. This one crushes.”

Looking Back: It’s Been 20 Years Since Prince’s “1999” Came Out

Prince’s “1999” is a perfect encapsulation of the year it was released. With current events serving as the raw material for his lyrics, Prince crafted an immaculate snapshot that still feels vibrant 20 years later.

The final year of the millennium was an exciting one that brought us Pokemon, Woodstock, and the first Star Wars movie (Prince would later admit Jar Jar Binks was the inspiration for “International Lover”). Contemporary references abound on the album. He boldly proclaims on the title track “Tryin’ to run from the destruction, you know I didn’t even care,” a clear reference to the global anxiety surrounding Y2K.

On “Let’s Pretend We’re Married” he laments “Look here Marsha, I’m not sayin’ this just to be nasty/I sincerely want to fuck the taste out of your mouth.” Here, Prince casts himself as the conflicted President Clinton pleading with Monica Lewisnky. “Marsha” is even an anagram of “Monica” if you use different letters.

There’s a backdrop of despair to the album as well. Lyrics such as “This one’s for Yosemite Sam and the tourists at Disneyland” and “Now you can all take a bite of my purple rock” are clear references to the tragedy at Columbine. While the energy here is celebratory, Prince reminds us “Parties weren’t meant to last.”

So as we look back at this brilliant album, let’s reflect on what the world was like when it was released 20 years ago.

PicturePhones Would Still Charge For Long Distance Calls

These days making a phone call is as easy as drinking a glass PhoneWater. But back in 1999, if you wanted to make a call from the moon, you had to sit down at a PicturePhone and pay roughly $1.00 a minute to talk to your stupid daughter on her stupid birthday. It’s eerie now to listen to “Something In The Water (Does Not Compute)” considering how prescient it was with regards to telecommunications technology.

All of Earth’s Kaiju were still secured on Monster Island

It was a simpler time. AOL was the best way to get on the internet; Tony Hawk had just landed the first 900; and you could walk down the street without running into any of Earth’s Kaiju. This was, of course, prior to the Kaiju escaping and laying waste to world capitals. On side three, Prince proclaims “All The Critics Love U In New York” but the city contained precious few critics after being trampled by Godzilla.

The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary men were battered and smashed.

Of course, once everything collapsed, it became nearly impossible to listen to music anymore. Whoever is reading this, I’m not sure how you found it, but my message to you, fellow traveler, is that in a world as savage and brutal as this, you must find things of beauty to keep the light in your heart. I must now leave this place, much how I came, in my “Little Red Corvette.”

Opinion: Please Consider Adopting an Unwanted D&D Podcast Instead of Starting Your Own

There’s a point in every nerd’s life when they think about making a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. First, you’re jokingly discussing it with your friends after watching Stranger Things. Next thing you know, you’re pirating Pro Tools and scouring the Monster Manual for puns. 

While this can be very exciting, I urge you to please consider adopting an unwanted D&D podcast instead of starting your own.

Did you know there are hundreds of thousands of unwanted D&D podcasts out there waiting to be listened to? This year alone, a record-breaking 75,000 were created, which far exceeds the capacity of friends and family available to lie about listening to them. When you adopt, you’re helping those who need it most: four to six white dudes — who recorded themselves with a single iPhone or cheap Blue Yeti — bumbling through the fifth edition starter set. Without your compassion, these podcasts will never get a chance to develop into meaningful creative expression or be sponsored by Squarespace.

On top of that, podcast rescuing is so rewarding. I should know — I personally listen to over 100 D&D podcasts a week, and the three hours of sleep I get per night are blissful knowing I saved all these poor boys. Sure, it can be hard work, like when I have to listen to a bard seduce an audibly uncomfortable DM for the thirtieth time in seven days, but I have no regrets. When you play your adopted podcast and hear the inane banter of five guys who were told they were funny once, you’ll be asking yourself, “who rescued who?”

I know what you’re thinking. These podcasts seem like the ones nobody wants, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The inconsistent character voices will always make you wonder who’s talking — what a way to keep things fresh! The scratchy, low-quality audio is perfect for keeping you awake on long drives. And don’t worry about the multiple, unedited, 30-minute arguments about if skill checks can crit. That’s just how abandoned podcasts show affection to their forever listener! 

In the end, creating your own D&D podcast is selfish when there are so many existing shows out there who struggle to find a home. Do the compassionate thing and save the life of a friend group who thought Saving Bros was the most hilarious name in the world.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Beto Frantically Scouring Old Punk Lyrics That Support His Position on Private Insurance

DETROIT — Democratic presidential hopeful Beto O’Rourke was spotted making last minute preparations for the second debate by referencing old punk lyrics hoping to find something that reinforced his position on private insurance, campaign officials confirmed.

“I had a real hit with my ‘Fugazi Capitalism’ nonsense that everyone just seemed to eat up like ice cream on a hot summer day. I was hoping maybe I could come out with some, like, ‘Dead Kennedys Health Care’ or something like that to really make myself stand out,” O’Rourke said while surrounded by dozens of brand new records an intern ordered from Amazon. “I never realized how much most of these old punk bands hated Ronald Reagan. I always thought he was a decent president.”

O’Rourke staff members were tasked with helping the former congressman find the tiniest detail that suggests old punks prefer having a private insurance option in addition to Medicare for all.

“We thought we had some good leads at first. A lot of early Black Flag lyrics are about feeling like your brain is about to explode, so we were hoping their words would go on to explain that having insurance provided through your place of work can actually be preferable to a government-run program,” said O’Rourke’s campaign manager Jennifer O’Malley Dillon. “But most of what they sang about was getting high and drunk all the time, so we’ve basically wasted most of our day.”

New York City mayor and Democratic candidate Bill de Blasio was quick to criticize O’Rourke’s preparations.

“These punk bands were singing about a system that does not work for people. If he wants to get the punk vote then he should be advocating for an anarchist system where people take care of each other and don’t depend on government to tell them what to do, but hey, what the fuck do I know?” said de Blasio. “Comprehensive polling of the punk community found that most of them don’t plan on voting anyway, so I’m not sure why he’s trying to pander to that base at this point.”

As of press time, O’Rourke planned to appeal to the Latinx community by delivering his opening statements strictly in Morrissey song lyrics.

Primus Guitarist Hoping One of His Songs Could Maybe Make It Onto Album One Day Too

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Primus guitarist Larry “Ler” LaLonde quietly admitted today that he’d like to get one of his original songs onto one of the trio’s upcoming releases, despite years of creative suppression from renowned band leader Les Claypool, close friends of LaLonde reported.

“The last time I brought up one of my originals to [Claypool] was back during the ‘Pork Soda’ sessions,” LaLonde said, anxiously looking over his shoulder. “It did not go over well with His Eminence — which is what we’ve been instructed to call him. I still have remnants of the scratch marks he left on my face that evening.”

Those most familiar with LaLonde noted that, despite no success getting original work onto an album, he has unquestionable songwriting talent.

“David Bowie once pulled me aside to tell me personally he was envious of Larry’s ability to compose music,” whispered Primus drummer Tim “Herb” Alexander discreetly. “Larry’s lyrics eloquently and thoughtfully shine a light on the most cultural and political shortcomings of our era… but His Eminence shoots down anything that doesn’t have to do with beavers, tweakers, or mud. He says he writes in metaphors, but I’m not sure anyone ever gets what he’s talking about most of the time. I sure don’t.”

Music producers have long heard of Claypool’s domineering influence in the band, often comparing his leadership style to Benito Mussolini or Dave Mustaine.

“I’m incredibly compromising, no matter what those non-ruminant mongrels say,” Claypool said after hearing of LaLonde’s intentions. “In fact, mere minutes ago I struck up a deal with that guitar man agreeing that he can write the third verse on the last b-side of our next single titled ‘The Circular Delirium of Them Bastard Rats’ on account that I choose the lyrical subject matter, time signature, and chords. He’s got complete control on the rest, though.”

At press time, Primus’s publicists announced a release date for their new single, but that LaLonde’s verse had been scratched last minute due to “irreconcilable differences” and he had been demoted to rhythm bass after “acting out.”

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