Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Nintendo Dreading Inevitable Adoption of Shy Guys as Incel Mascot

Posted on August 1, 2019 by M.J. Amory

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Crowded around a conference room table in the Nintendo of America headquarters, COO Doug Bowser and numerous high-level executives brain-stormed ways to combat the eventuality of involuntary celibates co-opting Shy Guys as their mascot, according to inside sources.

“These people stole the goddamn universal fucking gesture for ‘OK,’ they can absolutely take a D-list Mario character and make memes about how women won’t fuck ‘em because they’re short,” said Bowser, according to those familiar with the situation. “Hell, they’re already called shy guys; we’re just counting down the days until they take him as one of their own.”

With the burgeoning alt-right scene’s love of video games and memes, a risk assessment report of Nintendo characters vulnerable to being hijacked by various hate groups was ordered.

While Shy Guys were by far the most likely character to be turned into a symbol of the alt-right, the group behind the report also listed Waluigi as being a potential target of [Men Going Their Own Way] as well as Princess Peach being labelled as “Trad Wife Goals.”

However, the all-hands meeting was called due to the imminent likelihood of losing Shy Guys to incels on 4Chan.

“Is there anyway we can maybe lead them towards a competitor’s IP? Maybe we make a bunch of Reddit bots who look to Tails as their virgin icon,” Bowser reportedly spitballed while pacing the room.

After deciding to pick up the meeting early the next day, an off-hand comment mentioning Birdo caused Bowser to emit an ear-piercing scream and orders to pull an all-nighter.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Upset Constant Anti-Capitalism Rants Result in Third Consecutive Birthday with No Gifts

Posted on August 1, 2019 by The Hard Times Staff

ABINGTON, Mass. — Local birthday girl and outspoken anti-capitalist Beth Crowley received no birthday gifts for the third year in a row, thanks to friends who take her stance against consumerism too seriously, sources who now feel slightly guilty confirmed.

“When it comes to Beth, I figured a simple birthday text was enough — she’s always talking about how Amazon is a ‘plague on society,’ and how the modern day consumer is personally responsible for the deaths of every ecosystem on the planet,” said younger brother Nathan Crowley. “Everyone in the family stopped getting her Christmas gifts 10 years ago because, according to her, ‘combining religion and capitalism leads to spiritual acrimony.’”

“I never even thought it might hurt her feelings that nobody bought her anything, but it might explain the face she makes when we open gifts — I always assumed it was stifled anger from raging against the machine or whatever,” he added. “But I think it’s just tears.”

The elder Crowley sibling tried her best to put a positive spin on the otherwise sad situation.

“The fact I’m sitting here with not a single card or gift shows that my friends actually do pay attention. Sure, I tried dropping hints that I really wanted a skateboard deck I saw on eBay to hang on my wall… but it’s good they seemed to completely ignore all that,” said Crowley, trying to regulate her breathing. “And, I mean… someone could’ve made me something, right? Like, if someone built a cool lamp out of old auto parts or something? But, whatever — maybe that’s asking too much.”

Reportedly, many friends completely forgot about Crowley’s birthday in the first place.

“This isn’t our fault. She’s not on Facebook, she gets mad at her girlfriend if she posts a happy birthday message on Instagram, and she’s straight edge, so it’s not like we all go to a bar every year to celebrate,” said longtime friend Lenny Forrest. “How are we supposed to make it up to her anyway? Does she want us to pay her internet bill for a month or some bullshit? She doesn’t have any interests outside of complaining.”

At press time, Crowley was allegedly wallowing in self pity while binge-watching episodes of “Shark Tank.”

Opinion: THERE’S A DOG IN THE OFFICE TODAY!!!!!

Posted on August 1, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

Time to turn those frowns upside down my little worker bees, because THERE IS A DOG IN THE OFFICE TODAY!!!! A real, four-legged fur baby bringing joy to all. We’ve been through a lot recently, what with that company-wide, life-destroying bombshell, but seeing the sweet pooch’s kind eyes is a clear sign to me that everything is going to be alright.

UPDATE: Bad news, folks. I tried to pet the dog but apparently it’s “nada posibilidad.” He’s Jean’s therapy dog and only people that witnessed Gary jump off the roof last week can pet him. I tried to make light of the situation by saying the dog wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for me ruining Gary’s life, but then Jean started blubbering. FYI THE DOG’S NAME IS TUGBOAT AND HE SNIFFED MY HAND!!!!

UPDATE 2: My lawyers have asked me to clarify the last email – Particularly the part where I jokingly insinuated that just because I took my father’s successful business and ran it into the ground, I was somehow responsible for Gary’s death. I ONLY meant that if it weren’t for the very specific sequence of events set in motion by my gross negligence, Tugboat the dog would probably be hanging out with some dumbass school shooting victims right now instead of in our office. And for that everyone should THANK me. Also, APPARENTLY THE DOG WAS DOING TRICKS IN THE BREAK ROOM!!!! IF ANYONE TOOK A VIDEO PLEASE @ ME!!!!!

Update 3: OK, gang. I’m starting to sense a pattern developing here. I’m hearing that several of you have now pet Tugboat. Am I being intentionally iced out simply because I gambled away everyone’s pensions on what turned out to be a pyramid scheme? As I already explained, the ONLY reason I did that was because I was not risking any of my own money!!! Why does THAT warrant all of you cockblocking me from petting a doggy?

You’ve left me no choice. For the next two months until this company shuts its doors forever, summer Fridays are done. Perhaps now you’ll think twice before denying the 23-year-old college dropout son of your beloved former boss the opportunity to pet a dog.

Fortnite World Cup Winner Bugha Offered $3 Million Prize in Lump Sum, Annuity, or V-Bucks

Posted on August 1, 2019 by Ben Doyle

NEW YORK — Following a momentous victory at the Fortnite World Cup finals, 16-year-old eSports prodigy Kyle ‘Bugha’ Giersdorf now faces the delicate financial decision of whether to accept his $3 million prize in a single lump sum, a series of yearly payments, or a staggering 400 million V-Bucks.

“I was thinking it would be legit to buy my family a new house,” said Giersdorf. “Or, like, a small island. But Epic set me up with this really cool financial guy, Jeremy, and Jeremy pointed out that I was getting almost a 30% bonus by taking the V-Bucks. He said that I shouldn’t pass up a great deal like that, and I don’t know, he’s probably right.”

Giersdorf’s financial advisor and longtime lawyer for Epic Games, Jeremy Eline, reportedly weighed the options carefully and determined that Giersdorf “didn’t really need” the $3 million.

“It’s a no-brainer, really,” said Eline, signing a large novelty check. “The kid was gonna drop the money on V-Bucks anyway. I mean, you could buy what, a hundred guns with that? A thousand? I don’t know. I’ve never played the game. But if it were me? Yeah, I’d still take those V-Things, any day of the week. This kid is getting a great deal.”

Giersdorf’s mother, Darcy Giersdorf, expressed little interest in the award altogether.

“Oh, he won a little prize from playing his video games?” said Giersdorf, attention mostly focused on her crochet. “That’s nice. You know, his sister just won $75 at a state spelling bee. Why don’t you write about that?”

Shortly after the World Cup concluded, Epic Games announced an ultra-rare emote that would hit the Fornite Shop in the coming weeks with an estimated price tag of just over 400 million V-Bucks.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Judge Rules Victory Records Must Award $125 to Each Emo Kid Affected by Albums

Posted on August 1, 2019 by Tim Nash

CHICAGO — A federal judge ruled Monday afternoon that all emo kids who were profoundly affected in some way by a Victory Records release are to be awarded $125 for their pain and suffering, court officials confirmed.

“It’s clear that this music has haunted the lives of young men and women for years,” stated Judge Aaron LaRue. “I urge each victim to use this money to buy new music and to stop exclusively listening to albums released over 15 years ago. Maybe try out the new Vampire Weekend, I have heard it’s pretty good.”

Self-diagnosed former emo kid Danielle Laurent recalls buying a copy of Taking Back Sunday’s debut album “Tell All Your Friends” from her local Hot Topic while shopping for her first studded belt.

“The Victory catalog was my life in high school,” explained Laurent, who sports a “Don’t Bother Angel” tattoo on her right shoulder. “I dated a guy whose favorite movie was Fight Club because of the ‘Cute with the E’ music video. Do you know how annoying those quotes got?”

Victory Records founder Tony Brummel spoke out against the decision, strongly denying any culpability.

“Look, this is nothing more than a reheated ‘80s heavy metal witch hunt. Everyone knows what they’re getting into when they buy a record, whether it’s Hawthorne Heights or Eminem,” said Brummel. “If you get yourself a copy of ‘The Silence in Black and White,’ you’re going to be bummed out for about 45 minutes. That’s to be expected. But don’t try and tell me that it keeps you from being employable over a decade later.”

While many victims were able to claim their $125, the case was unfortunately limited to the Victory Records emo discography, leaving fans of Catch 22’s 2006 release “Permanent Revolution” — a ska punk concept album detailing the life of Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky — still waiting to see their day in court.

UPDATE: Due to an overwhelming response, Victory Records might not be able to pay the $125, and experts suggest opting for Victory’s four-year scene point monitoring service.

Introverted ICP Fan Wishing for More of a Small Get-Together of the Juggalos

Posted on July 31, 2019 by Tucker Leighty-Phillips

TUCSON — Local man and self-proclaimed introvert Dennis “Swip Donkey” Lawson is sort of hoping he and his friends can hold a smaller, more intimate Get-Together of the Juggalos in lieu of attending the massive Gathering, sources confirmed.

“There are tons of good vibes there for sure, but sometimes it feels like there’s just a little too much motherfucking clown love. Plus, it’s crazy loud,” Lawson said, citing concerns about feeling claustrophobic among the large crowds and needing time to decompress after each performance. “You’ve got Kottonmouth Kings, Twiztid, Tech N9ne, Mac Lethal, all sorts of dope ass stuff. It’s just so much at once, you know? It’d be nice to have a spot to just chill, look at my phone, and maybe enjoy some brie and crackers or something.”

When it comes to Lawson’s concerns, friends are split on the issue, although many offer their support.

“Dennis is just an anxious guy, you know. I think he prefers sipping his Faygo rather than slinging it,” said close friend and juggalette Tasha “Tank-a-lanka” Wheeler. “He can’t be a hatchetman because frankly, he’s too afraid of sharp objects, and he won’t even get Great Milenko tattoos with us because he ‘doesn’t wanna have to make awkward small talk with the tattoo artist in between the buzzing sounds,’ which I guess is understandable.”

Some friends, however, wish Lawson would get a little more out of his comfort zone.

“This dude wishes the Gathering was a couple of clowns sitting on a couch in somebody’s living room, smoking mids, listening to Homies at a respectable volume so the neighbors don’t call the cops on us,” said Ray Townes. “It’s busted. If he’s going to be a part of the Dark Carnival, he needs to actually attend the Carnival.”

At press time, Lawson was seen checking his juggalo face paint for toxins and asking his friends to not “whoop whoop” so loudly, as he didn’t want to make a scene.

Opinion: For All His Faults, Ganondorf Was a Patriot and a Man of Principle

Posted on July 31, 2019 by Dylan Baker

Ganondorf Dragmire served Hyrule for seven years as it’s king and as we mourn his recent passing, it is important for us to reflect upon his legacy. However, despite the many deaths that can be laid at his feet, it is important we remember that he was also a patriot and a man of principal.

Let’s look at the facts. Yes, it is true that Ganondorf raised an army of the undead that wreaked havoc upon our kingdom, leaving most of its major cities uninhabitable and its residents murdered.

This is only half the story of his legacy, because without Ganondorf’s apocalyptic disaster, we would not have experienced those wonderful, tearful reunions with family members we thought lost to said cataclysm.

He was a complicated figure, to say the least, and this should be reflected in the days that come as we process his death.

We should also bear in mind that while Ganondorf himself is not free from criticism, there are guilty parties on both sides. Terrorists, rightfully imprisoned by Ganondorf, were freed by an armed anarchist child soldier. These “sages” as they call themselves took part in a violent coup.

Certainly, one could be critical of Ganondorf’s policy of “plunging Hyrule into eternal darkness,” but this is an issue that could have been resolved in the marketplace of ideas and not with violence caused by someone not even old enough to vote in Hyrulian elections (Even though we have technically never had legal elections due Ganondorf’s dictatorship, the point still stands).

Keep in mind, there’s no Link without Ganon. So if you like Link and think he’s a good person to have around, then you absolutely have to praise Ganondorf as well.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Seven of Grandma’s 32 Facebook Friends Women Grandson Used to Date

Posted on July 31, 2019 by Krissy Howard

NETTIE, W. Va. — Over 25 percent of a local grandma’s Facebook friends list is comprised of women her youngest grandson dated over the last 10 years, a source reports.

“My mamaw pretty much raised me, but I don’t really see her too much anymore… so when she sees on Facebook that I have a new girlfriend, she hits ‘em up with the friend request pretty much right away,” said local grandson and ex-boyfriend to dozens of women, Danny Pickens. “It’s a sweet gesture, but most of her real-life friends are either not on Facebook or dead by now, so her friend list pretty much looks like a graveyard of all my failed relationships over the years.”

Many of those still Facebook friends with the 82-year-old woman are entirely unaware of their shared connection, save for infrequent and entirely random reminders.

“I shared a pic of an old bike of mine that popped up in my memories, and noticed someone commented, ‘Great work!’ almost right away,” said Pickens’ ex-girlfriend whom he dated for three months almost six years ago, Kayleigh Banks. “At first I was like… who the fuck is Dottie Lambert? But then I looked at the photo and remembered meeting her once like, a million years ago at my ex’s cousin’s wedding or something. Nice to hear from her, I guess?”

When asked why she hasn’t unfriended any of the women her grandson hasn’t spoken to in years, Lambert offered a thoughtful response.

“I’m not too sure who you’re talking about, but I can’t get the Tudors over in Craigsville to stop posting on my Facebook… I haven’t been over that way in years, and those breakfast specials won’t do me no good,” explained Lambert. “Next time Danny comes through here I’m gonna have him take a look and see if he can’t get it fixed. He’s real good at computers and all that kinda stuff.”

At press time, Pickens was ignoring an incoming call from his grandmother in order to keep swiping through potential matches on Tinder.

Trouble in Paradise? John Delaney Arrives at Second DNC Debate with Bangs

Posted on July 31, 2019 by Tucker Leighty-Phillips

John Delaney may be in free-fall. In a move that campaign staffers are calling “completely non-symbolic,” John Delaney arrived at the second Democratic National Debate with freshly-cut bangs.

“Don’t they look great?” Delaney asked a reporter on Tuesday. “I cut them myself.”

Uhm, yeah John, we can tell.

Delaney’s campaign manager has insisted that the hairstyle change has nothing to do with his failing polling numbers, and assured reporters that Delaney “still plans to bring forth his bold vision of stalling any sort of forward progressive vision that other candidates may bring to the table.”

Delaney, despite polling around zero percent and being the victim of a #DropOutDelaney campaign on Twitter that has had largely more support than his own, claims that the bangs are just a “fresh look” and mean nothing more beyond that.

One intern paints a different picture, however, claiming Delaney spent all of Monday preparing for the debate by staying in bed, ordering potstickers from Postmates, and watching season three of Stranger Things. “I asked him if he wanted to go over some possible questions that he may be asked on the debate stage, and he didn’t really want to, so I just reminded him to drink lots of water.”

Delaney was quick to end his interaction with the press citing an important conference call, but several eye witnesses confirmed he was just placing an ASOS order from his cell phone.

At debate time, no water was seen at Delaney’s podium, but he did arrive fifteen minutes late with an iced coffee.

Next Season of ‘The Bachelorette’ Has 3.2 Million Twitch Followers Compete for Pokimane’s Love

Posted on July 31, 2019 by M.J. Amory

BISMARCK, N.D. — After the conclusion of the most recent The Bachelorette season, ABC announced that Twitch user Pokimane would be the show’s next star. According to ABC, she will be choosing a partner from among her three million followers on the streaming platform.

“I love my fans with all my heart and, based on the constant deluge of graphic sexual comments flood my Twitch chat, the feeling is clearly mutual,” Pokimane said in a statement. “I’m looking to settle down and knew that The Bachelorette series was the right choice for me since I get proposed to thousands of times a day on Instagram.”

In preparation for the season, ABC has purchased the entirety of North Dakota and built a state-wide “Bachelor Pad” for all 3.2 million followers to live in as they spend the rest of their lives seeking to win the streaming celebrity’s love.

“This seems like a major commitment, to dedicate the entirety of my life for the miniscule chance that Pokimane will pick me, but to be honest I already have been doing that for the past three years on all her social media platforms,” said one contestant going by the username PokiMan83.

The first three years of the series will consist entirely of contestants introducing themselves to Pokimane and entering the house, where they will stay unless they fail to receive a rose or pass away.

Executives expect the series to continue for decades or until Pokimane’s fanbase decides she is no longer hot once she reaches her early to mid 30’s, at which point ABC expects to swap her out with a younger streamer.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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