Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

We 4anked All The F4eddy K4uege4 Movies But My 4 Key B4oke Halfway Th4ough, So44y

Posted on August 3, 2019 by Zach Raffio

Behold! The Hard Times official rating of the classic “A Nightmare On Elm Street” series. Will your favorite reign supreme? Read on to find out?

*Disclaime4: my 4 key stopped wo4king p4etty ea4ly on, apologies fo4 any inconvenience. Hope you still like the piece!

9. A Nightma4e on Elm Street (2010)

A p4etty cut and d4y remake with ve4y little bite – mostly fo4gettable and the4efo4e at the ve4y bottom of ou4 countdown.

8. F4eddy’s Dead: The Final Nightma4e (1991)

Clumsy, convoluted and a little bo4ing, the “final” film in the f4anchise does little se4vice to the se4ies, ba4ely cont4ibuting to the canon and lo4e of this iconic collection.

**Disclaimme4: Mmy mm key is doing a wei4d thing whe4e it shows up twice eve4y timme I type an mm. So44y, I know it’s annoying to 4ead.

7. A Nightmma4e on Elmm St4eet 5: The D4eamm Child (1989)

Poo4 special effects and stiff acting mmake this ent4y one to skip on mmovie night.

6. F4eddy vs. Jason (2003)

A fai4ly fun 4ide that doesn’t take itself too se4iously, but lacks the c4eativity and ne4ve of somme othe4 ent4ies.

***disc(di4t)laimme4: my c(di4t)aps lock also b4oke and now eve4y timme i type the lette4 c(di4t) it autommatic(di4t)ally adds (di4t) afte4, i c(di4t)an’t figu4e out why. I’mm so so44y.

5. a nightmma4e on elmm st4eet 4: The d4eamm mmaste4 (1988)

A fun 4ide with somme t4uly mmemmo4able kills, this has bec(di4t)omme a standout ent4y in wes c(di4t)4aven’s ic(di4t)onic(di4t) ho44o4 fantasy.

4. wes c(di4t)4aven’s new nightmma4e (1994)

Mmeta ho44o4 at its finest, this “what if” sto4y is a delic(di4t)iously c(di4t)4eative blending of wo4lds that has no 4ight to be as exc(di4t)iting as it is.
****dgsc(dg4t)lggmmg4: sg44y, ng mmg4g vgwgls, jgst g’s.

3. a ngghtmmg4g gn glmm st4ggt 2: f4gddy’s 4gvgngg (1985)

Wgg4d, t4gppy, gnd jgst g lgttlg bgt c(dg4t)gltg4glly gmmpgc(dg4t)fgl. g t4gg stgndggt gn thg mmgdngght hg44g4 c(dg4t)gngn.

*****gll ngmmmmbg4’s gxc(dg4t)gpt whgn w4gtgng 4 g4g ngw jgst FUCK, g dgn’t kngw whg thg c(dg4t)gps gnd vgwgls wg4k fg4 thgt.

FUCK. a ngghtmmg4g gn glmm st4ggt FUCK: d4ggmm wg44gg4s (FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK)

a th4gllgng 4gdg f4gmm mmgngtg FUCK tg mmgngtg FUCKFUCKFUCK, gnd g pggngg4 fg4 gffgc(dg4t)t wg4k gn FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK c(dg4t)gngmmg.

******:)i~c(:)g4t)kggmmg4: gt’~ ~gc(:)g4t)h g mmg~~ jazz pig.

FUCK. g 99gghtmmg4g g99 gkmm ~t4ggt (FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK) jazz pig

Ygg ggttg kgvg g c(:)g4t)kg!!gc(:)g4t) jazz pig.

Editor’s note: We decided to run this article completely unaltered, as it was tragically Zach’s final contribution to The Hard Times. Zach was found dead inside of his own waterbed late last night. Strangely, the coroner has determined the cause of death to be fear. He is survived by his mother, who drinks.

Pins Begin Migration From Jacket to Backpack

Posted on August 3, 2019 by John Bukovac

PHILADELPHIA — Several local punks noticed an increased movements of pins, buttons, and other accessories from jackets and coats to backpacks and messenger bags with the shift to warmer weather, all across the city.

“I’ve been living here since 2010, and though I’m no expert, you start to pick up on patterns after a while,” said house venue resident Wes Fulton. “The red ones usually go from the lapel to right next to the Jansport logo, the blue ones go higher up usually, and the white ones end up closer to the bottom. It really is a sight to behold.”

Experts in pin migration shared some insight into the habits and trends of this little-understood force of nature.

“Pins have had to adapt their migration patterns over the last few decades,” said cultural anthropologist Derek Waters. “They’ve more recently been spotted in places such as 5-panel hats, guitar straps, and even some varieties of belts. There’s been a lot of speculation about the impacts of climate change on their movements; as the weather stays warmer for longer, they’ll need to find more permanent roosting spots in order to ensure their continued survival.”

Citizens expressed joy in seeing the buttons return to their homes on the backs of various hipsters.

“It’s always a welcome sign of the return of spring,” said local tattoo artist Chloe Stein. “You don’t realize how much you missed it until you notice it again. The sound of birds in the trees, children playing in the street, and a huge Turnstile pin hanging off someone’s messenger bag just begging to be caught in a bush or a bike chain. It really signifies that winter is finally over.”

Local punks described the flight paths from their perspective.

“One of the challenges is balancing the pins from three denim jackets across two bags,” said Hatefist bassist Andy Cooper. “Like, everyone knows I love Rites of Spring, so do I put the four-inch button on the bag that I use to carry beer to shows, or do I save it for my nice backpack that I wear to the record store? It’s all about establishing cred without looking like a fucking dork.”

At press time, Cooper was considering cancelling his band’s show that night because of the severe number of pin holes in his left thumb.

Lost Child at Gathering of the Juggalos Probably Better Off

Posted on August 2, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

SPRINGVILLE, Ind. — Authorities patrolling the annual Gathering of the Juggalos decided to make no attempts last night to reunite a lost four-year-old child with his parents, realizing his quality of life would be much better if he learned to fend for himself.

“Well, naturally, our first instinct was to find this child’s guardians,” Springville Police Chief Bradley Schoonover said. “But then we saw his face was painted like a demented clown, and he wasn’t wearing pants — all he had on was an XXL tee that read, ‘I’m A Freak Show.’ We really had to think of what was best for the child, and ultimately, that was pointing him towards the woods and wishing him luck.”

Local EMTs examined the child, who only answered to the name Whoop Whoop!, and determined he was in good overall health, despite slight malnourishment from a diet of nothing but Faygo and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos for most of his short life. Authorities later asked the child to name his parents, to which he reportedly answered, “Piggie and Hatchet Ninja.”

“Best case scenario is a pack of wolves brings him in as one of their own. If that happens, by the time he reaches adulthood, he’d be a more acclimated human being than if we gave him back to his parents,” DCFS social worker Amy Tellmen told reporters. “I’ve seen it before. I guarantee you, when we find his parents, there will be more samurai swords in that child’s house than toys.”

As per legal duty, officers still conducted a half-hearted search of local establishments to find the child’s parents, despite the potential quality-of-life consequences of reunification.

“We canvassed local unlicensed tattoo parlors, Waffle Houses, adult bookstores, knife shows, and discount liquor stores thinking his parents might turn up there,” Chief Schoonover said, calling off the search after only 45 minutes. “I wish Whoop Whoop! godspeed and good luck. With any luck, he’ll never see his parents again, and actually have a shot of going to trade school.”

Authorities have since turned their attention to an abandoned Jugga-Dog that ate a bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms and has taken four hostages.

Photo by Ryan Flanders.

Undercover Journalist Just Needs Another Two to Three Years of Research Before Leaving Sex Cult

Posted on August 2, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

WILKES-BARRE, Pa. — Undercover journalist Teddy Eckart just needs to spend another two or three years investigating a lascivius and highly erotic sex cult in the northern Pennsylvania wilderness before he can write his “probably Pulitzer-winning” story, annoyed fellow journalists confirmed.

“I’m not the type of reporter who sits and waits for the story to come to me. The people have a right to know, and they will… in another 24 to 36 months,” said Eckart. “I don’t care how many eager, nubile cult devotees I need to pork — I will leave no stone unturned or ass untapped to get the story.”

Editor Vera Faustina claimed Eckart has infiltrated the bizarre and likely criminal “Saturn’s Epiphany” cult by convincingly acting as a lecherous creep who preys on attractive, vulnerable young women — strictly in the name of ethical journalism.

“As Teddy explained it, the best way to break a story on a nefarious sex cult is to become a high priest of said cult, have sex with all the members, and bilk everyone involved out of their money… which, I admit, made a lot more sense when he said it to me,” said Faustina. “Believe it or not, this is Eckart’s first job as a journalist, or even a writer. But he was so passionate and charismatic, I knew I had to hire him. He even convinced me to send 75% of my life savings to the cult in his name in order to better facilitate… oh, fuck. What have I done?”

Unlike Faustina, fellow journalist Janelle Willis immediately realized Eckart had ulterior motives.

“Teddy is a lot like Hunter S. Thompson, because he does all kinds of crazy, gonzo shit… and, actually, that’s all they have in common. Because as far as I know, he hasn’t written anything yet,” said Willis. “And yet, our editor had no issues paying him to basically have sex with brainwashed women — but the story I pitched on police corruption wasn’t ‘sexy enough.’”

At press time, Eckart was seen at Newark International Airport boarding a flight to Tahiti with a suitcase stuffed full of cash, escorted by several “Saturn’s Epiphany” concubines.

Maybe It’s Just Me but I Think Nazis Who Aren’t Punks Should Fuck off Too

Posted on August 2, 2019 by Kevin Tit

I’m no poser. I love the Dead Kennedys as much as the next punk. However, I wholeheartedly believe there are better ways to express your disdain for Nazis than to keep referencing their song “Nazi Punks Fuck Off!” I see it posted online, written on signs at protests, and pretty much every context you could imagine. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great song and sentiment but, and this might just be me, I think Nazis who aren’t punks should also fuck off.

People still know Nazi’s are bad, right? They’re still teaching that in schools right? It’s not like Nazi’s are awesome and punks are awesome but like together not so much. Nazi’s are bad everybody.

That specific song was about a specific subset of Nazis. There are still a ton of Nazis who identify as metalheads. Why exclude them? I’m pretty sure Richard Spencer isn’t a punk. Dude probably listens to some Nazi jazz or something. I don’t know. Either way, he sucks and I think we should acknowledge that there is a larger spectrum of Nazis who deserve the same amount of hate as the punks.

A lot of people might not know this but regular Nazis were arguably more dangerous than Nazi punks. They invaded countries, murdered millions and were around before punk even started. Even Hitler, the worst person in history, had ties to them and that’s saying something. Skrewdriver is bad and I’m glad Ian Stuart is dead but it’s important to show that same sentiment towards the lesser knowns.

All the Nazis who died without a name. The Nazis who walk among us today. The Nazis who don’t shave their heads. The Nazis in law enforcement. The Nazis who work for the big banks. The Nazis in politics. The little Nazi youth who will one day grow up to follow in the footsteps of their parents. All these Nazis have just as much of a right to be told they should fuck the fuck off. Not just the punks.

Pawn Gets Critical Hit in Chess Match

Posted on August 2, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — A friendly chess match ended spectacularly when a white pawn got a critical hit on the black king, dealing a massive blow and completely eliminating it from the game.

“I’ve been min/maxing the crap out of that pawn by using the ‘en passent’ ability over and over, so it was pretty rewarding to finally win a game with her,” said Clare Hudson. “Chess is scary because if your piece is captured, you never get to play with it again.”

According to those watching the game, attendants could hear the pawn solemnly state, “pick a god and pray,” right before obliterating the enemy king from existence. The attack was especially powerful because the piece was also in striking distance of Hudson’s rook, allowing for a linked attack.

“Yeah I’m not sure that Clare… knows how to play chess,” said Hudson’s opponent Steve MacDonald. “She just put my king in check with her pawn, she didn’t take it or anything. I have no idea what a ‘critical attack’ is and she kept talking about the pieces having ‘health points,’ which I thought was weird, because they all have… I guess one health point?”

Despite MacDonald’s refusal to accept the cooler mechanics of modern chess, onlookers said it was still an enjoyable match to watch.

“Chess is definitely my favorite turn-based strategy game,” said Chris Hull. “I loved the way Clare reclassed her bishop to be a dark mage so that it could shoot fireballs across the board and take out Steve’s queen early on. It’s really incredible how much flexibility the game gives you so that you can even out your team of pieces.”

As of press time, fans were dismayed to hear a leak confirming that White Pawn would be the next character added to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate as DLC.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man Substitutes Sleeping Pills With Friend’s “No Holds Barred” Political Zine

Posted on August 2, 2019 by Anthony Kelly

PORTLAND, Ore. — 28-year-old chronic insomniac Griffin Harper finally got some good sleep last night after a single paragraph of his friend’s “radical” political zine enabled him to fall into a deep, peaceful slumber, refreshed sources confirmed.

“I tried everything you can imagine – you name it, I’ve tried it. I went to sleep clinics; took melatonin, CBD oil, prescription sleeping pills; I got a white noise machine; everything — and nothing hit the spot like that misguided, poorly written anarcho-punk zine,” said Harper. “Counting sheep is nothing compared to counting the spelling mistakes in that thing.”

Ideas Not Meant for This World author Bryson Lowe issued a statement about his zine’s newfound success for those experiencing sleep-related issues.

“While the response I’ve received has been overwhelmingly positive, it didn’t exactly reach the audience I’d hoped for,” claimed Lowe. “The articles are supposed to be on the cutting edge of counter-culture: the ramblings of a madman, the opinions of a genius misunderstood in his time… but it turns out, it just knocks everyone out and puts them right to sleep. At the very least people are buying it — that’s a first for this industry.”

Medical professionals are calling the publication “one of the biggest breakthroughs of 21st century medicine,” urging those struggling with insomnia to order it, or similar off-brand DIY pamphlets, for a guaranteed full recovery.

“Our studies concluded that, after reading this absolute garbage, patients have fallen asleep 98.8 percent faster than any generic sleeping pill or over-the-counter remedy,” stated Dr. Maurice Cannon of the University of Texas. “The author’s aggressive tone and pseudo-intellectual punches put people at such peace before they turn in for the night. It is completely indescribable, finding a solution this effective.”

For his part, Harper is looking forward to many nights of deep, refreshing sleep ahead — thanks to the launch of another friend’s Arts & Culture blog, as well as the release of his roommate’s overly intrusive poetry chapbook, written entirely from the perspective of his mattress.

Finally: Nintendo is Going Door to Door to Patch Wavedashing Out of Melee

Posted on August 2, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Super Smash Bros. creator Masahiro Sakurai announced today that Nintendo was finally going to send representatives around the world to install a mandatory manual patch to remove glitches from Super Smash Bros. Melee such as wavedashing, edge-canceling, teching, and more.

“The core design of Smash Bros is about having fun. No one should ever be better than anyone else at the game,” Sakurai explained via translator in a streamed video. “Because of the technical limitations of the GameCube, I have never been able to patch out all these mistakes ruining Melee and that bothered me to no end. I’m glad we have finally conceived of a way to make the worst Smash Bros. game up to par with the newer editions!”

“For whatever reason, Melee has maintained its popularity despite these glaring glitches,” Sakurai continued. “It’s exciting to know that fans stuck by the game even though it’s so broken and I’m happy to report they will finally get an experience worthy of their fandom.”

According to a statement from Nintendo, countries from around the world have agreed to fully cooperate with the decision and deputized each Nintendo employee with the right to arrest anyone who resists the patch to their GameCube or Wii.

“We have added a ton of new features to the game as well that I hope you’ll enjoy,” Sakurai continued in his video, staring into camera. “For an extra bit of fun, all characters’ jumps will now go to random heights, with some even soaring off the screen! We finally brought back tripping, Mr. Game and Watch’s ‘judge’ attack goes to 100, and, just for fun, every 1/100 games, every character turns into Jigglypuff. It’s going to be a blast!”

As of press time, Nintendo employees have been dispatched around the world in order to execute the Melee patch. According to Nintendo’s statement, they’re even willing to delete anyone’s copy of Project M from an SD card completely free of charge.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Jeff Bezos Furious to Learn Who Ninja Is

Posted on August 1, 2019 by Andy Holt

SEATTLE — After popular streamer Richard “Ninja” Blevins announced today that he was moving from Twitch to Microsoft’s Mixer, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos was reportedly “beyond livid” to learn that the popular streamer exists, sources at the company claim.

“Wait, ‘Ninja’ like the martial arts thing? Is that a fucking stage name or something?” Bezos reportedly asked after a lengthy presentation from Twitch executives. “What the ever living shit is Twitch? I thought we bought Twitter. You know what, fuck this. You’re fired.”

The remaining board members went on to explain the basics of the video game streaming model popularized by Twitch Interactive, which Amazon bought in 2014 for $970 million.

“So you’re telling me this guy points a camera at himself while he plays video games, and now he’s a millionaire? I literally don’t believe you. Do I look like some kind of idiot?” asked Bezos, grabbing the nearest board member by the shirt and screaming into his face. “Say it, motherfucker. I fucking dare you. Tell me I look like an absolute fucking idiot.”

Bezos reportedly calmed down after a few hours, and when asked how Amazon would respond to the Ninja move, the CEO insisted that he would “never let those Microsoft fucks win out” and that he would “get The Ninja back no matter what it takes.”

Orthodox Juggalo Wears Full Body Makeup

Posted on August 1, 2019 by Nick Ortolani

SPRINGVILLE, Ind. — Orthodox Juggalo Raymond Klotz anointed his whole body with makeup in anticipation of his yearly pilgrimage to the Gathering of the Juggalos, uncomfortable sources confirmed.

“I want to spread much mother fucking wicked clown love across the hallowed grounds of my people,” said Klotz, known by fellow Juggalos as Whackass Burnin’ Bu$h, as he used a paint roller to coat the middle of his back. “I know a lot of Juffalos around here think it’s okay to present themselves in public with only a painted face, but scholars of the Carnival of Carnage know that to enter the gates of Shangri-La requires full commitment to Lo life. I had to disown my own brother after I saw him drinking Shasta in a tent at last year’s gathering, whoop-whoop.”

Klotz has been a member of the First Church of The Juggalos — Southside Carnival since his early youth and has preached the value of MFL across the globe.

“He’s a pillar of the community. Every week at services, he pours the Faygo and collects skrilla from the parishioners,” said Bu$h’s longtime partner Karen Sofield, known by her juggalette name Kibblez N’ Slitz. “But I won’t lie, the full body paint has become an issue because I don’t want to get freaky with him with paint all over his popsicle, if you get what I am saying.”

Klotz leads services at The Church which was founded after the Faygo War of 1911 by Marvus The Strong as a way of keeping narn-narns from becoming shoguns.

“Many of our flock are assed out and on that extra sauce, so they need help with dimmage,” said Father Mother FucXXXer, the Church’s high priest. “We fixed up an elementary school bathroom cuz the jugglings had nowhere to have a nurdle. We also hold weekly smeh drives, provide clown-boxes to single mothers, and offer free STD testing all thanks to the hard work of the homie Bu$h.”

At press time, some Juggalo zealots still questioned Klotz’s commitment to the family after it was revealed he did not have sex through a cigarette burn in a size XXXXL Great Malenko T-shirt.

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