WILKES-BARRE, Pa. — Undercover journalist Teddy Eckart just needs to spend another two or three years investigating a lascivius and highly erotic sex cult in the northern Pennsylvania wilderness before he can write his “probably Pulitzer-winning” story, annoyed fellow journalists confirmed.
“I’m not the type of reporter who sits and waits for the story to come to me. The people have a right to know, and they will… in another 24 to 36 months,” said Eckart. “I don’t care how many eager, nubile cult devotees I need to pork — I will leave no stone unturned or ass untapped to get the story.”
Editor Vera Faustina claimed Eckart has infiltrated the bizarre and likely criminal “Saturn’s Epiphany” cult by convincingly acting as a lecherous creep who preys on attractive, vulnerable young women — strictly in the name of ethical journalism.
“As Teddy explained it, the best way to break a story on a nefarious sex cult is to become a high priest of said cult, have sex with all the members, and bilk everyone involved out of their money… which, I admit, made a lot more sense when he said it to me,” said Faustina. “Believe it or not, this is Eckart’s first job as a journalist, or even a writer. But he was so passionate and charismatic, I knew I had to hire him. He even convinced me to send 75% of my life savings to the cult in his name in order to better facilitate… oh, fuck. What have I done?”
Unlike Faustina, fellow journalist Janelle Willis immediately realized Eckart had ulterior motives.
“Teddy is a lot like Hunter S. Thompson, because he does all kinds of crazy, gonzo shit… and, actually, that’s all they have in common. Because as far as I know, he hasn’t written anything yet,” said Willis. “And yet, our editor had no issues paying him to basically have sex with brainwashed women — but the story I pitched on police corruption wasn’t ‘sexy enough.’”
At press time, Eckart was seen at Newark International Airport boarding a flight to Tahiti with a suitcase stuffed full of cash, escorted by several “Saturn’s Epiphany” concubines.