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Oh, You’re a Big Vampire Weekend Fan? Name Three Artisanal Cigarette Craftsmen Who Summer on Boulevard DU Montparnasse

Oh, so you love Vampire Weekend, yeah? You’re a big fan? Well, we’ll see about that.

Real fans can name at least THREE artisanal cigarette craftsmen who spend their summers gallivanting upon the Boulevard du Montparnasse. Can you do that, poser?

You’ve been listening to “Father of the Bride” nonstop for the last few months? Woop-di-fuckin-doo.

Everyone knows real fans take a break to listen to broken, untranslated audiobook adaptations of Alain-Rene Lesage’s 1709 comedy “Turcaret” and his picaresque novel “Gil Blas.” In between listens they polish their award-winning Lion’s Mane mushrooms before the big show next month (duh). Why don’t you change out of that t-shirt and into a woolen 9-piece suit like the rest of us. Maybe that’ll help you wake the fuck up, freshman.

In line for a beer at the concert? You make me sick. REAL Vampirinous Faces (that’s what the fanbase is called) bring in their own egg and dill champagne, made from the finest quail eggs this side of the Guadalquivir. Enjoy your bread juice, I’ll be sipping herbed bubbles and chomping on braised chinchilla bone… like a real Day One.

“A-Punk” is your favorite Vampire Weekend song? I would pull the plug on you right now if I could.

Everyone knows that Vampire Weekend’s best song is Italian opera singer Clorinda Corradi’s 1823 performance of “La Cenerentola” at the Recanati Theatre in the Macerata province, which was never recorded and has not been heard by anyone but those in attendance of the performance almost 200 years ago.

You’ve been practicing the riff from “Harmony Hall?” I’ve been practicing my eulogy for your funeral.

If you want to honor their guitar work, do what real fans do: Buy an old, haunted brass viola for a retail price of 96 human lips. Tell it all of your secrets, offer fresh Brazilian cherry trees as a gift, then play a low humming C note until the Beyond Meat stock rises 15 points. It’s pretty textbook stuff.

Wow, Ezra Koenig followed you back on Instagram? Really? THAT is what you’re bringing to the table in the wake of my monstrous ringing of the proverbial bell? Well, that’s actually really cool.

Can… can you tag me in something so maybe he follows me too?