Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Jackie Chan Fan Immediately Regrets Throwing Ladder at His Idol

Posted on April 30, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — An unfortunate situation occurred today, as self described Jackie Chan “superfan” Dalton Carvey chucked a ladder at his longtime favorite actor, in doomed hopes of recreating one of his many iconic fight scenes.

“I thought he would roll with it, like in the movies,” said a sobbing Carvey, as he was being led away in handcuffs from the scene of the assault. “I know that movies aren’t real, but that’s why Jackie is the best, because he always did his own stunts. I thought he would appreciate the reference to his work as opposed to the fiftieth selfie he’s been asked to take today. Is he going to be ok?”

Chan was reportedly walking to his car in a parking lot when he caught the attention of Carvey, 35, who grew up watching his iconic performances in martial arts films. The accessibility of a nearby ladder inspired Carvey to enact an impromptu recreation of a popular scene in Police Story 4 (known stateside as Jackie Chan’s First Strike.)

“We were kind of freaking out about Jackie Chan being right there,” said Jesse Plutt, a friend of Carvey’s that witnessed the events. “And then Dalton was like, ‘Hey watch this,’ and grabbed this ladder off the side of a van and launched it at Jackie and then yelled his name while it was in the air. Jackie saw it, but instead of flipping out of its way or catching it and doing some gnarly move with it, he just watched it fly at his face. Poor guy just sank like a stone.”

Lucy Miller, Chan’s personal assistant, claimed that this was merely the latest in a series of dangerous interactions with fans.

“I’m sure they mean well, but I wish they had a better grasp on reality,” she said, shortly after the altercation. “Jackie deals with this stuff all the time. Most actors deal with autographs when they go out in public, poor Jackie has people throwing bottles and swerving cars at him. Much like one of his films, the poor guy can’t go anywhere without it becoming needlessly dangerous. I just hope he’s okay this time.”

As of press time, Chan, 66, was being airlifted to a nearby hospital, after refusing a stretcher and insisting on clinging to a rope ladder hanging from a helicopter.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Too Much Inside Bad? Brain All Dumb Now

Posted on April 30, 2020 by Kevin Hufe

We all know important science adults say we need be inside. We all know be inside help no get sick, ‘specially help cranky old mommies and daddies. Many have idea we let economy outside as trade for eleventy thousand grampas and grandmas dead, but other people from school say that evil and bad. Hownever, have we done thought bad things happen when everybody inside too much time? Did science people forget brain get sick too when tell everybody “outside bad”?

Personallike, I’ve no been having good easy fun time during stay inside. First few days, okee dokee. No feel no different. Still have tv. Claystation still play the game. But after many day, fun things now boring. Even think read book maybe, but too hard.

Me think brain no work good no more. Me no brain science man, but know how head normal think, and head no normal think now. Head actually think real bad. Can barely remember how turn on Spongebob. When try write article for job, only big dumb dumb sentence come out of head to fingers. Luckylike, tv typing box do good job fix mistakes, but me scared soon bossman no pay if can’t write good.

In end only time tattle tell what good and what bad. Me hopes inside time-out no go too long. We all much excite to go back work or school or play jungle gym. It not easy not get play outside, but America gots to no catch icky-sicky-19 even if cost brain goodness.

Smart brain history man say “Give me liberty or give me death.” He make words good and words that is good are being important today as words good then I think. I have gun now, go protest?

Neighborhood Applause for Healthcare Workers Ruins Perfect Vocal Take

Posted on April 30, 2020 by John Danek

BROOKLYN — New Yorkers loudly applauded their appreciation for healthcare workers on the front lines of the COVID-19 epidemic again last night, unwittingly ruining bedroom musician Carrie Lorre’s “perfect” vocal take, confirmed the extremely frustrated singer.

“We don’t even live near a hospital, so there’s no way the nurses can hear anything. So what’s the fucking point of cheering? One guy was banging on a pot like a kid in a parade. Totally unnecessary,” said Lorre. “My next door neighbor is in the hospital with coronavirus, so I finally had the chance to record some vocal tracks without him calling the building manager to complain. I took my usual five or six dozen warmup takes in GarageBand — which I instantly hit CTRL+Z on — and right as I could feel myself about to finally nail the high note, all the idiots on the block started screaming. It totally threw off the autotune.”

One of Lorre’s neighbors admitted they’re one of the louder supporters.

“7 p.m. cheering is the only thing I have to look forward to,” admitted upstairs neighbor Mark Schramko, who had to temporarily close his gluten-free donut shop. “It’s the only event in my Google Calendar right now. We have to cheer for the workers: they need to hear our hooting and hollering! They need to be inspired to beat this disease. Without our support, they might stop fighting!”

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services issued guidelines for effective ways to support healthcare workers during this time.

“Let’s be real — the clapping doesn’t do shit, and you’re just doing it to post on social media to compete with those shifty, opera-singing Italians,” declared Secretary of Health and Human Services Alex Azar. “But most Americans seem pretty cool with it, so instead of putting more money towards hospitals, most of the Trump administration just applauds loudly at the same time each night. It saves us a shitload of money, and I need it right now — I had to dump a bunch of stocks in hotels, and… I should really stop talking.”

However, the cheering ritual has had some unintended consequences, including falsely boosting the egos of out-of-work stand-up comedians holding live-streamed comedy events at the same time.

Board Game Winner Devastated to Learn Friend Actually Would Have Won in Like Two More Turns

Posted on April 30, 2020 by LD Wallace

NORFORK, Va. — Local Catan winner Luna Haynes was distraught to discover that her friend Mike Sandoval would have won the game if it had lasted just like two more turns or so.

“I love playing board games and it feels great when I win. But when Mike said that he would have won if the game had continued for a few more turns, I felt a pain in my chest. I was just so sorry to have done that to him,” Haynes explained. “If I could turn back time and not make the winning move, I would. Then I would do nothing for two more turns, making sure not to secure Longest Road. It’s the very least I could do.”

Other players agreed that learning of Sandoval’s position in the game left them devastated.

“There might not be an official second place in Catan, but in my heart, that’s what Mike got. Doesn’t that mean something? Shouldn’t it?” said Fred Lee, another player in the board game night. “What are we if we don’t honor those who would have won in just a few turns? Who are we if we leave behind those who just needed to land a few 8’s, hope no one else won, and then built a few more cities?”

As of press time, Haynes revealed that actually he had miscounted and only had seven points, not nine.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

The Best Mindfulness Apps You’ll Delete to Make Room for Tinder Again

Posted on April 29, 2020 by Alec Stein

Mindfulness is everywhere! From Instagram celebs to that friend whose Medium page you keep lying about reading, it seems like no-one will shut up about this thing. The Hard Times is not one to buck a trend so we took it upon ourselves to scour the web for the best mindfulness apps that you’ll end up deleting to make room for Tinder again.

Headspace – Probably the best known mindfulness app on the market, Headspace offers an array of features from basic meditation courses to advanced courses tailored to specific aspects of your life. Wow! They sure did put a lot of work into something you’re just going to delete the moment you realize you don’t have a date to your cousin’s wedding this fall.

Calm – This dead-app-walking was our personal favorite until we got mildly horny. Not only does it feature a lush soundtrack of nature sounds, the way the blue app icon shakes when you go to delete it almost looks like waves as if to symbolize the rough seas ahead. So serene!

Aura – Aura was an app first recommended years ago by our ex. Speaking of which, let’s see what they’ve been up to on Instagram. Engagement photos!? We only broke up like three years ago! Rebound much? I wonder what Tinder Plus costs these days.

Simple Habit – The point of this app is to offer stress release for busy people, which made us know right off the bat that it wasn’t for us. We’re more “gettin’ busy” people if you catch our draft. For real, you’ll wanna re-download this one to manage your incoming horde of Tinder dates.

Alright that’s all for now. We were gonna review a couple more apps but this person on Tinder just said they’re totally DTF, they just needs us to Venmo them some cash to get an Uber. Things are looking up!

Child Not Popular at Home School Either

Posted on April 29, 2020 by Sari Beliak

GILROY, Calif. — 13-year-old Matthew Staller’s social standing has not improved at all since his middle school closed down last month, the seventh-grader quietly reported Tuesday while eating his lunch upstairs in the bathroom he shares with his sisters.

“I was actually kind of relieved when they closed our school and moved everything online, because now I don’t have to run the mile in gym class or ride the bus anymore. I thought maybe learning from home would give me a chance to start over… you know, be a different person,” said Staller. “I’ve been really trying to make some friends, but I have to say, so far, I’ve been pretty unpopular here, too.”

Despite his best efforts to endear himself to his peers, the seventh-grader has maintained a steady stream of being teased, bullied, and otherwise ignored by his classmates, teachers, and family members while failing to make a positive impression on those he sees around his new home school setting.

“Yeah, I see him around the halls all the time and he seems super weird,” said Staller’s 17-year-old sister Moriah. “Last week at the kitchen table, he tried to tell me that he has a girlfriend who goes to another school, but I know he’s lying. And he always wears the same ‘Yu-Gi-Oh!’ pajamas to class everyday, and talks about his lizards… and I just really don’t want anyone to see me talking to that dork.”

Although the transition to a new school can be challenging, Staller is expected to latch onto at least one authority figure to project his feelings of loneliness.

“Matthew definitely comes by my home office a lot more these days,” said step-dad Alan Mortimer. “He seems like kind of a dweeb, but he does kind of remind me of a more dorky and less athletic version of myself when I was his age. Plus, it’s nice to have someone to talk to since I got furloughed last week. I keep missing the Zoom happy hours because my coworkers keep forgetting to tell me when it is.”

At press time, Matthew was asking his step-dad if there were any additional homework assignments he could do for extra credit.

Opinion: I Was Broke and Unemployed Before All of You Posers

Posted on April 29, 2020 by V.F. Thompson

All you kids these days, with your “Animal Crossing” and your one-and-done stimulus payments, think you’re so fucking cool just because you lost your job and can’t afford shit now. Well, guess what buckaroo, some of us showed up drunk to our Wendy’s shift years ago and haven’t worked a day since. You think you’re bored off your gourd, imagine what I’ve been going through.

Sure, maybe my housemates might be sick of it, but what are they gonna do, kick me out? It’s not like any of them are gonna huff it down to the corner store to pick up more Hamm’s. Did you hear that? I will get off the couch and walk to the store for beer, just so no one else has to. And you think that your gig was “essential”.

Besides, it’s not like I just sit around and do nothing. I walk down to the living room to binge Hulu almost every single day, and if I’m feeling really spicy then sometimes I even do the dishes. Not all of them, but like, a fork or two. Hell, I even took my housemate’s dog for a socially-distanced walk last week. If that’s not worth smoking their weed and bumming it, then what is?

I dunno, here’s an idea, but maybe if you could afford coke on an hourly wage, I would have actually been able to keep up with the work and we wouldn’t be here. But we are, and that’s not going to change any time soon. What am I going to do, just ask them for an application for a counter job next time I’m at 7/11 to pick up a case? In this economy? Grow up.

Now fuck off my porch, I’ve got doobies to roll, baby.

Sesame Street Airs Special Episode to Explain Coronavirus to the President

Posted on April 29, 2020 by Jon Wood

NEW YORK — The cast of “Sesame Street” joined the country’s leading scientists and health experts this weekend in a special episode that explains the basics of the coronavirus to President Trump.

“Like so many of our young viewers, Donald Trump is obviously confused and frightened by this ongoing crisis, so we created accessible content to help our President understand the facts of the global pandemic. At one point we feared we might be dumbing things down too much, but then we realized who our target demographic actually was,” said Jeffrey Dunn, CEO of the Sesame Workshop. “The program covers a range of topics tailored to our commander-in-chief — from the ABC’s of social distancing, to the do’s and don’ts of narcissistic Twitter meltdowns. We’re hoping Fox News takes a break from blaming Obama for this outbreak and runs some of our segments, so we know President Trump actually sees it.”

The 90-minute town hall episode featured an all-star cast of Sesame Street muppets, who took turns fact-checking and responding to incoherent statements made by the President about COVID-19.

“Elmo is sooo happy Trump watching Elmo’s show now! That means coronavirus briefing today led by competent medical professionals, instead of being derailed by the ramblings of a vindictive sociopath. Yaaaaay!” said Elmo with arms akimbo following the airing of the show. “We sing about risks of ingesting household chemicals, and we sing special song about preventing more senseless death. That song makes Elmo saaad.”

President Trump shared his takeaways from the “Sesame Street” broadcast, responding in a series of unhinged tweets late Sunday evening.

“It’s a disgrace when you look at what’s happening on Sesame Street. Big Bird isn’t even that big. Trust me — I’ve seen big birds, these birds were bad — but that yellow freak knows nothing about business,” Trump tweeted. “These are very sick people, and you also have people who are actually very sick, so we’re helping them with that. But we have the biggest ratings numbers ever and Sesame Street won’t report — just ask that rich purple guy who loves to count! #LameStreet Hoax makes Trump SAAAD!”

According to sources, the White House has begun drafting an executive order that would defund public broadcasting and ban financial support from progressive letters of the alphabet.

YouTuber Unboxing Dune Board Game Freezes Up After Realizing the Gom Jabbar is Aimed at His Neck

Posted on April 28, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Fans of the YouTube channel DavesCoolGames were shocked after an unboxing video of the Dune board game depicted the channel’s host reaching into the game box before discovering that his hand was trapped inside and the gom jabbar was now aimed directly at his neck.

“Alright, what we have here is Gale Force Nine’s beautiful remastered edition of the classic board game Dune, based on Frank Herbert’s novel and originally released by Avalon Hill in 1979. This is a very old and beloved game and I’m excited to take a look at what we’ve got inside,” began the video’s narration by host Dave Callaway. “Now, the first thing you’ll notice when you take a look at this package is the stunning full color artwork of a sandworm or ‘Shai-Hulud’ cresting over the sand of Arrakis. On first glance, the inside of the box is black and oddly frightening. It’s almost like light can’t penetrate the inside at all. Anyway, let me reach my right hand inside and see what we’ve got here. Whatever it is, it feels like cold, slick metal, and there’s a little prickling like my hand is asleep.”

Sources say at this point in the video, Callaway’s demeanor changes as he freezes up suddenly and stares directly into the camera.

“Now I don’t know if my camera’s picking this up, but right now what I’m noticing is that someone is holding up the gom jabbar to my neck. Any Dune fans will recognize that this is just a test to prove that I’m human. As long as I remember that fear is the mind-killer and make sure not to pull my hand out of this gorgeous cardboard box, I should be alright. Now, let’s see what else we can feel inside. Oh, looks like the cold feeling is starting to warm up into a burning sensation. Kind of painful. Be careful with this at home if you’ve got small kids!”

The video then reportedly depicts Callaway struggling to endure tingling, burning nerve pain while describing the contents of the board game box by touch alone in increasingly hurried breaths.

“I think what I’m feeling right now are the different card decks and the player markers. It feels like pretty sturdy card stock, very high quality. It also feels like my hand is getting completely charred….I’m going to pull my hand out now and hope I don’t die. Here we go…and we’re safe! Well, that was very painful, but from what I could feel in there, Gale Force Nine did a great job with this set.

The video then reportedly concludes with Callaway regaining his composure and recommending the board game to his viewers. “I recommend picking this up if you’re a Dune fan, but if you’re not familiar with the source material, some of the details might go over your head. Also, you might die during the gom jabbar test.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: If You’re a Supervillain, Cut It Out

Posted on April 28, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Supervillains — those with great power who use it for nefarious purposes — need a stern talking to. It’s time to stop. Your villainy has gone too far and you are a stain on our society. I sincerely hope you read this and consider your actions.

Trying to take over the world, toppling cities, disrespecting our troops, fighting our superheroes… these are behaviors that are not good. If you are participating in these, you must cut it out. Now. Enough is enough.

In these troubling times, we need everyone on the same side. We cannot allow for these petty differences, between supervillains and superheroes, to tear us apart as we face a greater threat. We need to come together for the common cause and solve the problems that divide us later.

And many internet trolls will undoubtedly point out my various columns over the last few decades advocating for the need for supervillains. You think you’re so clever, don’t you? The times change and people do too. I may have been a staunch advocate for supervillains all the way back in the early 90s, until about 2018, but now I have changed my tune. Now I think supervillains need to stop and I’m the one stopping them via this column. Honestly, if you’re bringing this up right now, you’re just as bad as the supervillains, if not worse. So just shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck UP. SHUT UP.

Villains are bad. They need to cut it out. So look at me: STOP IT.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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