Joe Biden Announces Endorsement from Sundown Movement

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Notable Alzheimer’s awareness organization Sundown Movement officially endorsed former Vice President and Democratic nominee Joe Biden this morning, stating the candidate “exemplifies their ideals as someone who routinely forgets what he is doing and where he is, especially late in the day.”

“I am incredibly thankful to accept the endorsement of the uh… you know. The thing,” Biden said at a rally. “If we’re gonna win this thing… this, you know… talent show… we’re gonna need all the help we can get. We’re gonna need to… because the thing about Donald Trump is that he’s going to win. Donald Trump… I mean, we’re going to defeat Donald Trump. Back in the ‘60s, we — he and I had a swim race, you know. We swam down the lake to the island and the middle and then back. And you know what? I won that race.”

Biden then paused and after a moment, said, “I’m not Donald Trump,” to an explosion of cheers.

Feedback from the rally was incredibly positive.

“Joe speaks the same way as the folks I know, and that’s what I appreciate about him,” said Michigan resident Fergus Reid. “I like that when I listen to Joe, I don’t know if he’s telling me something about his childhood or something he read in a ‘Tom Sawyer’ story. That’s what I look for in a president: I want to vote for someone I could have a beer with, or even better, someone who can’t have a beer with me because he seems like he had a rough bender from ages 15 to 29.”

Members of the Sundown Movement were reportedly split between endorsing Joe Biden and Donald Trump, but ultimately voted in favor of Joe Biden.

“Frankly, many of our members felt that President Trump embodies Alzheimer’s better than Mr. Biden. But after a heated debate, we all sort of forgot where we were and what we were doing. Then we decided that, yes, sure — it can be Joe,” said Sundown Movement president Martin Hamilton. “A lot of people confuse us with the Sunrise Movement, and that’s just the way we like it: we believe that everyone should be a little more confused in their daily lives.”

At press time, the Sundown Movement announced again that they were endorsing Joe Biden for president.

Current Relationship Covering Load Time for Next Relationship

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

PLANO,Texas — Local man Daniel Masterson recently discovered that his current relationship with Alexa Freedman is just covering up the load time for his next relationship.

“I realized that I’m just inside of a loading transition while we were watching the entirety of The Great British Bake Off in complete silence over the past weekend,” explained Masterson, pointing out that the clever trick was similar to those commonly used in video games such as elevator rides or long hallways. “It was a clever illusion at first, but now it’s clear that this has just been a facade that’s occupying my time before my next relationship is ready.”

Masterson says in retrospect, he realizes this isn’t the first time that being part of a couple has merely been a way to fill the space between bigger chapters in his romantic life.

“There was this girl, Jessica Peters. She loved to talk on the phone so I’d take these really long, slow walks while holding my phone through these unskippable conversations. A few months later I met Melissa and we ended up dating for a year. It wasn’t obvious at the time, but now I realize Jessica’s phone calls were just distracting me while the cutscene where I met Melissa at Brad’s party loaded up in the background. Pretty clever!”

“And there was another girl, Rachel McMasters,” Masterson continued. “She was really outdoorsy. She was always taking me on these rock climbing excursions, but she only ever wanted to slowly side-step through very narrow cracks in the cliff faces. We’d spend hours and hours slowly clambering our way through these things and all I could think was, ‘There’s no way this is supposed to be fun’. I mean, it was definitely something to do. It just wasn’t much fun. She was a weird one.”

“Look, I appreciate Alexa,” Masterson added, asserting that the newly discovered truth of his relationship didn’t change how he felt. “She’s a much better way to transition to my next real relationship than laying in bed staring at a static dating app screen, waiting for someone better to load in. Like, check out this girl. Her bio says, ‘I love watching big doors slowly open.’ She seems nice enough, I guess. Maybe I’ll connect with her after my next big breakup.”

As of press time, Masterson and Freedman have separated. Masterson says that he’s considering just playing a mini game until the next relationship loads.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Adorable! Government Thinks $1200 Is Enough to Live in New York City

Posted on by Shea Strauss

Oh my gosh! There’s nothing like an adorably incompetent government to make us forget our woes, even momentarily!

After over a month of quarantine, the Internal Revenue Services sent out $1200 stimulus checks nationwide. In New York City, residents couldn’t help but giggle when they saw the government’s endearing attempt at covering the high cost of living.

Too cute for words!!!

Arielle Caplan, who was recently laid-off due to COVID-19, said she couldn’t stop but squee out loud when she saw the government’s check.

“The check is just so comically teeny tiny compared to the size of my rent and Cobra payment,” said Caplan, who lives in a studio apartment without a kitchen in Prospect Lefferts Garden. “I was barely affording my apartment when I was gainfully employed and insured. It’s so sweet that the government thinks I could live off a one-time payment of $1200.”

Can you say “awwwww?”

Washington Heights resident Affan Lozano said when he saw the check, he immediately thought of his landlord who could use some levity in his life.

“I’m so excited to send this to my slumlord,” said Lozano. “I’m sure he’ll get a good chuckle when he sees the amount. Sure, I’ve been stuck inside a tiny apartment with three Craigslist roommates, an awful rat infestation, and none of the benefits of living in the city, but, hey, this super-rich dude needs it more than me, or he wouldn’t be harassing me daily.”

Heart-warming!

Adorably bumbling big boy “President” Donald Trump kept insisting that the stimulus check was a generous amount.

“It’s not little. It’s very regular-size. Much bigger than Obama’s,” Trump insisted adorably, clearly not talking about the stimulus check anymore.

So. Freaking. Precious.

Aging Punk’s New Model Building Hobby Mostly Just Excuse to Keep Sniffing Glue

Posted on by James Knapp

TRENTON, N.J. — 31-year-old punk William “Billy Club” Moore’s new model-building hobby is primarily just a socially acceptable means for the scene elder to continue his longtime glue huffing habit, slightly light-headed sources confirmed.

“Making all these models is a great way to pass the time. I may not be a young man anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a creative outlet,” said a glassy-eyed and somewhat distracted Moore, surrounded by paper bags. “Check out this fucking ship in a bottle I made last week — I had a blast working on this thing, and some of those pieces are even in the right place. Who needs to go outside when you’ve got plenty of glue… uh, I mean, crafts to keep busy with?”

Longtime friend Stephanie Stanwicz supports Moore’s newfound enthusiasm for constructing models poorly.

“It’s good to see he’s growing up a little and trying out some adult hobbies. This is way better than that time he got really into pogs a few years back,” said Stanwicz. “Sure, none of his models are assembled right, and most of them look like he kind of gave up halfway through, but what do you expect? He’s still developing his interest. Give him time… and maybe a non-toxic alternative to that rubber cement he’s been using.”

Not all are confident Moore is serious about his new hobby. Melanie Winston, owner of the craft and games store The Thrifty Gnome, noted Moore’s attitude as he purchased another tube of glue and the kit for a 1/400th scale battleship model.

“This man is single-handedly keeping the store in business,” said Winston. “He transfers me some money, and I leave tubes of glue out behind the store under a bucket for him. Look, I’m all for amateurs getting interested in model-building, but that guy might actually hurt himself doing this. I just hope he doesn’t get interested in building his own rockets or something — I’m afraid he might try to huff whatever they put inside the propellant. That stuff will really mess you up.”

At press time, Moore was passed out on his credenza after drinking 34 bottles of paint meant for miniature figurines.

Community Applauds at 3 a.m. Every Day to Celebrate Gaming Heroes Who Don’t Go Outside

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — The residents of New York City have begun applauding out their windows every single day at three in the morning to celebrate and congratulate the gamers who are brave enough to stay inside.

“I feel so hopeless these days. All I want to do is give back to those keeping our community safe — the gaming heroes who play games instead of going to the park,” said 72-year-old Brooklyn native Marcia Wright. “It makes me feel good and safe knowing that they’re in there grinding away at whatever RPG just popped up on Xbox Game Pass. If I could serve my community like that, I would. And so we thank them, the gamers, the best of us.”

The heroic gamers in question, however, have been so busy helping to protect their community from COVID-19, that many of them have not even noticed the applause.

“People have been clapping? Huh. I guess listening to a podcast while blasting game music has kinda made it hard to pay attention to what’s going on. Apparently there’s a quarantine,” said one gamer, Chris Martin. “I’m just trying to beat Bloodborne.” 

As of press time, New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced a $10 billion cut to funding for gaming statewide.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Fans Upset ‘The Last of Us Part II’ Leaks are Not Exclusive to PlayStation Owners

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Fans of the series were shocked today when a plethora of The Last Of Us II footage was leaked to the general public, instead of being made available to only PlayStation owners.

“It’s horrible what the leaker did,” said fan DaddyJoe23 on Twitter. “Imagine investing so much time, money and effort into something like the PlayStation 4 and The Last of Us. The other fans and I deserve something for our loyalty, and honestly it sucks to have to share all of this footage with the Nintendo, Xbox and PC players who weren’t even going to play it anyway!”

“I bought my PS4 just so I could play The Last of Us II, when it turns out I could have just seen the ending online for free,” another user, NathanXCrash posted. “Does Naughty Dog not care about their customers at all?”

Sources have confirmed that the leaker has turned themself in to the police, out of fear the PlayStation fans would find them first.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Tom Hooper Suggests Re-Releasing ‘Cats’ After Shutdown Because It Seems Like Everyone Was Busy When It Came Out or Something

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Cats director Tom Hooper suggested on social media today that theaters could re-release Cats once the quarantine ends because people seemingly missed it on the first go-around.

“I think after this COVID stuff ends, it would be nice to welcome everyone back to the theaters with a re-release of Cats!” Hooper said in an Instagram post. “Something like Avengers: Endgame could be fun too, of course, but everyone already saw that. Not really sure why people didn’t get around to Cats, but I guess everyone was busy when it came out the first time around. Maybe they all had a wedding to go to or something? No judgement either way, but I bet people are itching for a chance to finally see Cats on the big screen!”

As of press time, the Instagram post had garnered 13 likes from fans and one comment, from  Hooper’s mother, saying she would love to see the film again.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Man Panic-Watches “The Simpsons” Looking for Clues on Next Global Disaster

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

HOUSTON — Local man Joseph Graciano spent the past 72 hours obsessively streaming “The Simpsons” on Disney+ looking for anything else that could portend doom for the human race, roommates who would love to watch something else confirmed.

“First it was Trump being president, then Disney buying Fox, and now the coronavirus. ‘The Simpsons’ predicted it all,” Graciano said, roughly rubbing his eyes with his palms. “Sure, in the episode ‘Marge in Chains’ it was Japanese and called ‘Osaka Flu,’ and that was more about America’s fear of being outpaced economically by Japan 30 years ago… but other than all that, it’s exactly the same as COVID-19. We’re through the looking glass here, people,” Graciano added before pausing the TV to read and scribble down the name on each puppies’ bowl in the episode “Two Dozen and One Greyhounds.”

Graciano’s obsession has particularly taken its toll on roommate Mike Benavides, who’s stuck in the apartment with him during the “shelter at home” order.

“The whole thing about ‘The Simpsons’ being some sort of jaundiced Nostradamus is fun to talk about when we’re getting high, but fuck me,” Benavides said, twanging one of the pinned pieces of yarn on Graciano’s connection map linking Trump’s border wall and “The Simpsons” Bumblebee Man character. “But Joe’s really gone stir crazy: Bart holding up a bus ad that looks like it says ‘9/11’ years before isn’t some goddamn Illuminati shit. It’s just some cromulent, Reddit nerd shit.”

Reached by FaceTime, “The Simpsons” showrunner Al Jean dismissed the fortune teller theory that’s made the rounds on social media throughout the years.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that we predicted coronavirus, among other things,” laughed Jean. “Had we really had the power to accurately predict something like Sigfried and Roy being attacked by one of their tigers, we’d play the lottery rather than drop cryptic hints decades ahead of time about, say, that solar-powered monorail crash that’ll kill all those school children in 2021.”

“I mean… uh… fuck!” Jean added before abruptly ending the call.

At press time, Graciano was warning all of his friends to avoid Knoxville this summer, lest their car be crushed by the Wigsphere.

Pornhub Sees Spike in Searches for “Groups of More Than 10 People”

Posted on by Becca King

SAN FRANCISCO — Pornhub saw a drastic spike in searches for “groups of more than 10 people” this quarter, the result of a new but wildly popular genre of pornography in which 11 people or more crowd into a single room with complete disregard for personal space, company representatives confirmed.

“It’s shocking. This genre of porn can be pretty niche, but right now it’s what everyone is clamoring for: our analytics show most viewers stop watching before the fucking even begins. I guess they just want to remember what it was like to be in a group with a common goal,” said Jake Switzer, a data analyst for Pornhub. “I haven’t seen anything like it since the aftermath of the Democratic debates — it was all ‘Mike Bloomberg cuck fest’ for weeks. I can only hope things get back to normal soon, because honestly, seeing what grabs the highest ratings week to week is the best part of my job.”

Experts say the trend has brought changes to the typical porn consumer lifestyle.

“I’m attuned to the cutting edge of what Pornhub has to offer, and right now it’s all about group sex. The more the merrier, as they say,” said Mike Todesky, a self-appointed Pornhub critic. “Every news update that mentions the virus makes me anxious, and my only release is 30-40 dudes wearing work boots and no pants and just going to town. I used to have a solid six-or-higher standard when it comes to pornstars, but I’m so goddamn lonely these days, I’ll watch any old dogs experience the closeness of sharing space with other human beings. ”

White House coronavirus expert Dr. Anthony Fauci clarified in a press briefing that while exploring fantasies of crowd-forming is a normal and healthy response to the growing crisis, it should not be replicated off-screen.

“Much to our collective chagrin, ‘people packing’ parties like these are still off-limits for at least another month,” said Dr. Fauci. “There remains a good chance that asymptomatic people could be exposing other gangbang participants to the coronavirus, which would result in an unbearable strain on our healthcare system, great loss of life, and devastating economic collapse. So stick to porn, and if you need some recommendations, hit me up on Twitter and I’ll share some of my favorite scenes.”

Pornographers are preparing for the most likely shift in consumption by soliciting security camera footage of Black Friday shoppers from department stores, malls, and other retailers.

Terrifying: This Writer Is Willing to Hate Any Movie for Just a Few Thousand Clicks

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Most writers like movies that are good and dislike movies that are bad, letting the internet decide who deserves the most clicks based entirely on the content of the article. We all know that we can open Pandora’s box and say we think something like Call Me By Your Name is a little overrated, letting the angry users flood in. But we don’t. 

We don’t, except for the bone-chilling Stephen Burke, a 26-year-old freelance writer who is willing to fully hate any movie for just a few thousand clicks on his articles.

“I have never seen The Godfather but it sucks absolute shit if I can get ratioed and rack up upwards of 10,000 pageviews,” the terrifying writer uttered in an interview. “The ad clicks don’t even mean anything anymore now that we’re in pandemic world. But I don’t care. I just hate popular things for the love of the game.”

Burke’s viral articles, including Why Moonlight Is Actually Racist and Homophobic and Is Parasite Secretly the Worst Movie Ever Made? have taken the internet world by storm, leading many to wonder if he is ushering in the Age of Movie Darkness, allowing the gates of Internet Hell to open, and letting the vicious trolls run loose on the web.

“I don’t have a single real opinion. I’m an empty husk of a man, writing whatever I must to feed the silence in my soul that festers when not enough people talk to me,” Burke explained in the horrifying interview. “I don’t care if the responses I get to my work are positive or negative. I just need responses.”

Why do we care about people like Burke? Why are we all fascinated with the darkness? The true crime stories? Perhaps what’s most terrifying about writers willing to hate movies for clicks, or murderers and serial killers, is ourselves. Perhaps we’re afraid of what we’re capable of when the rules of society topple. Do we all have it in us to take another’s life? Do we all have it in us to call Get Out derivative of Insidious II? Hopefully we don’t ever have to find out.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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