You Can Have My Weekly Shindigs at Applebee’s When You Pry Them From My Cold Dead BBQ Sauce Stained Hands

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

Our country is teetering on the brink of oblivion. Governments are looking to dismantle our very way of life and revoke our rights from under our proud noses at every level! Well I got news for Uncle Sam, Rosie The Riveter, and any other government stooge that may be listening: you can have my weekly shindigs at Applebee’s when you pry them from my cold, dead, BBQ sauce-stained hands.

Let me start off by saying, I love America. I love her amber waves of grain, her purple mountains, and even though I’m iffy on “fruited plains,” it’s 2020 and I can be tolerant. To me, any wife of mine (and I’ve had many) is still a side piece compared to America. But my love for Her would never stop my willingness to overthrow the government or kill every single member of its active military or police force if I felt IN ANY WAY that my rights were being infringed.

Our right to assemble is protected under the Constitution, our most sacred of documents since 1776. And the need to is supported by our most sacred document since, the Applebee’s dinner menu. These inalienable rights to gather with my buds Kliph, Thicket, and SlimJames every Thursday night at the Applebee’s near the nice junkyard for bottomless apps. I’m a red-blooded, thick veined, heart diseased American man and I demand to eat and drink like one. I’ll be goddammed if anyone stands in between me and a bucket of limearitas (not gay cuz it’s Budweiser).

I’m no expert. But in America, you don’t HAVE to be an expert to know what’s going on here. Just look at experts on the news. These doctors, lawyers, and Hollywood elites want us to forfeit our liberty so we can all turn into 5G-snorting metrosexuals. Well I ain’t about to learn how to kiss dudes or whatever masterclass Judd Apatow is peddling this month. Maybe that sounds crass, but I’m a simple man with simple pleasures and one of those pleasures is going out to Applebee’s and singing the “baby back ribs” song at my waiter even though I didn’t order ribs and that song is from a Chili’s commercial.

Are you a sheep? Do you go bah bah? Does your back hair make sweaters? Do you show up in my dreams dressed as a lady? No? Then stop listening to those DemoCRAPS in Washington telling you to stay home. This whole thing has been blown out of proportion and, wait, does Applebee’s deliver? They do? Oh shit, never mind. Stay home people, there’s a fucking plague out there!!!

Dead Bandmate on Floor Making Sweet New Album Cover

Posted on by Zac Fairhall

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Up-and-coming black metal band Desolate Slaughter are hurriedly shooting album art tonight after their bassist Rob Moore died mid-rehearsal, sources still waiting to call 911 confirmed.

“Yeah, he was pale, sweaty and coughing… but he’s always kinda like that, ya know?” said singer Alex “Lord Borthnagar” Warren, posing on the floor in the rehearsal room next to the body. “I thought it was weird he didn’t come out for a smoke with us, and when we came back, he was spread-eagled on the floor by the kit. Obviously my first thought was, ‘Oh, fuck, did he damage any of my gear?’ But then I thought, ‘Holy shit, we gotta get pics of this ASAP for our new record!’”

Photographers are fighting for the opportunity to come and do the shoot.

“This is the kind of break every band photographer dreams of, man. I’ve spent years taking shots of dead animals for local bands: disemboweled stuff against winter backgrounds, the usual stuff. But when I came in and saw Rob on the floor, I almost cried at how fucking hardcore he looked,” said photographer and friend of the band Leona Nikolai. “I knew Rob, and I don’t wanna presume, but I think dying of a virus and hitting his head on the kit on the way down is how he would’ve wanted to go.”

Not everyone at the shared rehearsal space is happy about the fanfare.

“This is easily the most fucked up thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and 911 won’t do shit,” said singer Liz Lovett of indie band Egghead Unthinkable. “First off, they’ve gone way over time — two-hour slot, my ass. Secondly, they’re dragging this body around to pose and getting blood absolutely everywhere. No way am I paying full-price to use that room afterwards.”

Local EMS workers called to the scene couldn’t provide an ambulance, as bassists are considered a “non-essential service.”

Fans Disappointed to Discover It Was Actually Daniel Radcliffe Who Visited That Girl’s Animal Crossing Island

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW HORIZONS — Fans worldwide were disappointed to discover that the celebrity who visited someone’s Animal Crossing: New Horizons island was not Elijah Wood, and was in fact, Daniel Radcliffe. 

“I saw the username and I was so excited that Elijah Wood reached out to me to come to my island that I didn’t even process that it was actually Daniel Radcliffe. I feel so cheated,” said Twitter user @directedbyrian, a few days after her viral tweet. “I like Radcliffe just fine… but he wasn’t in Lord of the Rings. It was so hard to tell because his villager looked exactly like how I imagine Elijah’s looks. I guess it looks just like Daniel too.”

Animal Crossing players took to the web to complain about the confusion.

“I was so mad when I found out that I lied to my whole family about Elijah Wood going to that island. I love Elijah Wood! Now I have to call up dozens of people and explain to them that I was actually talking about that Harry Potter fucker,” said Reddit user u/DM_ME_TURNIP_PRICES. “It was like an even worse version of when I had to call all my exes and tell them I got syphilis.”

“I hope all of Daniel’s turnips whither,” responded hundreds of comments in the replies.

Radcliffe apologized quickly on social media after the incident in an attempt to win back the favor of his followers.

“Elijah and I get confused for each other by fans all the time, but I really didn’t see this coming,” Radcliffe said in a post on Instagram. “My guy’s name is Elwood because it’s a reference to the wood that makes up the Elder Wand in Harry Potter. Honestly I’m so disappointed in myself I didn’t realize that people would read it as Elijah Wood.”

At press time, Elijah Wood could not be reached for comment after reporters realized they had actually called up Daniel Radcliffe again by accident.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

This Quarantined Man Only Sleeping a Restless 14 Hours a Night

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

Weeks of shelter-in-place left one unlucky man’s sleep schedule completely turned around! James Walters, a thirty-year-old father of one and the only person on the planet with this problem, has only managed a mere 14 hours of restless sleep a night.

“After watching a season or two of ‘The Office,’ I settle in for the night around eight. But I often find myself waking with a start at, like, two in the morning. Just six hours later!” said Walters, speaking from inside a mass of blankets and Snickers’ wrappers. “It sometimes takes me an hour to fall back asleep, and then by 10 in the morning I’m wide awake no matter what I have to do later that day, which is always nothing.”

What??? Wow, what a unique set of problems. Walters’ wife, Jennifer, notes that his suffering affects not only him, but the rest of the family.

“When James sleeps, he snores really loudly. It’s usually not a huge deal, but when it happens for roughly 85 percent of the day, it really starts to grate on your nerves, you know?” said Jennifer. “It’s gotten so bad, we’ve started sleeping in shifts. I take days, he takes nights and half the day.”

Doctors across the nation are aware of the challenge many Americans face finding good quality sleep for over half of a normal day and some are even declaring it a national crisis.

“Times of pandemic can be especially stressful, and it’s important you allow your mind to rest so you can take a break from worrying about how you’ve been furloughed and that $1200 stimulus check may never arrive since they don’t have a direct deposit number for you because you haven’t gotten a refund on your taxes in years because you’re technically a freelancer now thanks to your company’s restructuring,” said one catastrophizing doctor. “I didn’t even realize you could force a doctor to go freelance. Gotta love Capitalism.”

James can currently be found midway through a five-hour afternoon nap that he plans to wake from groggy and disoriented, while his wife teleworks, taking breaks to assist their son with his schoolwork. Hopefully she’s getting enough sleep to have the energy to support her husband during this trying time.

Citizens Confused About “Darkest Fear” Question on U.S. Census

Posted on by Chris Jones

WASHINGTON — The recently added census question, “What is your darkest fear?” has sparked confusion amongst citizens filling out the questionnaire, U.S. Census Bureau officials admitted today.

“We were so glad to get the citizenship question taken off that we didn’t even notice this was there,” said American Civil Liberties Union President Susan N. Herman. “This question is a blatant attempt to gather data on a massive scale in a way that has never been done before. How am I, as a grown woman, supposed to explain that I am deathly afraid of rollerbladers? I know it doesn’t make logical sense; I know existential threats are far worse than rollerbladers; I know global warming doesn’t make me cross the road if I see it gliding towards me. No good can come out of a bunch of old white men knowing what our biggest fears are.”

The U.S. government conducts a census every 10 years and has a history of adding polarizing questions, but the latest addition has Americans demanding answers from the White House.

“My darkest fear is my ex-wife Sharon, but I felt uncomfortable sharing that information on government records,” remarked 32-year-old Alejandro Lechuga. “The courts may keep her at least 300 feet away from me at all times, but 300 feet is still close enough to keep me up at night. I already lied about my education on this, so I figured nobody would question this — I panicked and just wrote snakes.”

Vice President Mike Pence defended the unusual census add-on.

“No, I do not believe it is an unfair question to ask, because the answer is obviously the wrath of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,” said Pence. “Our administration wants to know how to motivate people to vote Republican while keeping everyone else at home, and this question will let us tailor that to individuals. We have the American people’s best interest in mind. I highly recommend Americans spend more time on their knees with God rather than causing trouble on the internet.”

The Census Bureau has since stated that the question was chosen as “essential” out of an extensive list of this year’s contenders, including, “What is your biggest insecurity,” “What is your spirit animal,” and “How fast can you run?”

Hold On, How Am I Older Than Kim Jong-Un?

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Like any responsible citizen I keep track of international news and, while this isn’t an endorsement of the leadership of Kim Jong-Un or North Korea, it is troubling that the world might experience more upheaval and uncertain futures due to the death of Kim Jong-Un at the age of…34?

Wait, what? Are you serious? The dictator of North Korea is 34? He’s responsible for political executions and has caused us to fear the potential of nuclear war for years and he’s only 34? I’m 35 and I can’t even get people behind me to stop talking during concerts. Kim Jong-Un would have them summarily executed and Our Great Leader would make sure the merch booth was overflowing with mediums.

That said, there’s so much he missed in the year of wisdom I have over him. Kim Jong-Un was too young to watch Jesse Camp and Dave Holmes battle it out on MTV’s cultural milestone Who Wants to Be a VJ. Kim Jong-Un was too young to know classic Weezer. He came of age during the time of “Beverly Hills” and “Pork and Beans.”

I just can’t get over this. How am I older than Kim Jong-Un? He’s been in charge of North Korea and all this time he was younger than me? All those moments when we were terrified that nuclear war would break out and he wasn’t even old enough to watch the original Wayne’s World sketches on SNL?

Cultural milestones are one thing but there’s also the fact that, at 34, Kim Jong-Un is terribly boring. Even his impending death is because of a “vegetative state,” which is how the elderly die. A 34-year-old should die doing something adventurous, like insisting that these cokeheads behind me at this concert shut the hell up. I don’t give a fuck, I’ll throw down right here.

How many cool band t-shirts has he been seen wearing? How many dreams and aspirations has he given up on? Does he have a hard drive full of his old band’s demos that remind him that once he had passion? Did his friends have to stage an intervention to get him to stop wearing cargo shorts? How is he 34 years old if he isn’t having those experiences?

On one hand, I feel like I’ve accomplished so little despite my 12-month head start on North Korea’s Dear Leader, but on the other hand he never got to see The Unicorns live before they broke up. Also, apparently he’s dead or something.

Oh wait, he’s actually 36. Never mind, I’ve got time.

Federal Government Forced to Layoff Three States

Posted on by James Knapp

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Federal Government announced today that, due to a plummeting economy related to the COVID-19 pandemic, it will layoff three states in order to maintain the national budget.

“The administration regrets to inform you that, effective immediately, Maine, Florida, and North Dakota are no longer a part of the United States,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany in a statement. “While we appreciate the unique qualities these states contributed to our organization, we feel that at this time, they should look to pursue new opportunities outside of the country. We wish them the best of luck in all future endeavors.”

North Dakota resident Randy Flint was confused and frustrated as the National Guard escorted all three states out of the country.

“What the hell does this even mean? So all of a sudden we’re just not a state anymore? Can they do that?” Flint asked. “I already lost my job at the tanning salon after this pandemic turned into a global shitshow, and now this? This country has gone straight to hell.”

“Well… not this country,” Flint clarified. “Actually, how does that work? Like, are we our own country now, or do we have to join someone else’s? Wait… am I a fucking Canadian now?!”

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham supported the decision to eliminate the selected states from the national roster.

“I believe dismissing these three states will strengthen the remaining parts of this nation. They were pretty much dead weight even before the economy went to hell, so I’m glad to see them gone. Especially Maine,” said Graham. “I’m sure some bleeding-heart liberals will claim that it’s ‘insane’ or ‘unconstitutional’ to layoff entire states. But if these states just pull themselves up by their bootstraps, they’ll be back on their feet in no time. That’s the American… uh, I mean, former-American way.”

When reached, Florida Senator Marco Rubio and Governor Ron DeSantis claimed they were “glad to be laid off” and that they “never liked this country anyway.”

Wizard Casts ‘Mage Hand’ So It Feels Like Someone Else is Doing It

Posted on by Daniel Menegaz

CHICAGO — Local level 2 Half-Elf wizard Stedd Tallstag recently casted ‘Mage Hand’ so it felt like somebody else was jacking him off after retiring to his Inn room, adventurers with regrettably high passive perception stats report.

“Listen, the party doesn’t have to be happy about it, they just have to accept it,” said Todd Fearon, Stedd Tallstag’s player. “I was the only one who volunteered to play as a spellcaster. Nobody wants to be the class whose AC gets obliterated by a slight breeze, and Stedd has needs just like any other fictional character, plus he didn’t have enough money to go to a brothel. I’m just trying to stay true to his character, so the decision was out of my hands, really. And it was technically out of his, too.”

“None of us could have predicted how much Todd’s aggressively horny wizard would fuck up the tone of the campaign, but it’s getting to be a bit much,” said Dungeon Master Erica Johnston. “I try to make the story interesting by starting things with a band of Orcs slaughtering an entire village of mostly women and children, and Stedd is out here telling the vicious beasts to ‘suck his magic missiles.’ Did you know that Todd got banned from playing walk-in sessions at our local game shop for that character? I’d ban him too if he wasn’t the only one that could deal consistent damage at a low level.”

However, Todd’s character decisions weren’t totally unjustified, as social psychologist and historian Trevor Eames notes.

“I used to play a lot of D&D myself, so I’m familiar with Faerûn, which if I remember correctly is meant to resemble medieval Europe. The level of sexual repression and frustration in a society like that is bound to be off the fucking charts. It only makes sense that a character living in such a time and place would need to satisfy his sexual urges occasionally. Stedd’s companions need to understand that if we are to ever end the stigma against masturbation in the Forgotten Realms.”

Todd’s fellow party members say they take some solace in the fact that, even though Mage Hand is a cantrip, Tallstag can only pull this stunt once per long rest.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

‘Cooking Papa’ Doesn’t Tell You Good Job After Completing Level

Posted on by Chandler Dean

DURANGO, Colo. — After sinking a few hours into the latest controversial game in the Cooking Mama franchise, local gamer April Ross discovered that among other forms of neglect, the titular character in Cooking Papa doesn’t tell you “good job” after completing a level.

“It’s a much more distant experience than Cooking Mama,” Ross observed. “For one thing, you don’t really learn any recipes. The most active mode is ‘Help Out By The Grill,’ and even then you just kind of stand there doing nothing while Cooking Papa rants about how the Astros should be permanently suspended from the MLB.”

Much like the title character’s emotions, the levels of Cooking Papa range wildly — from ‘Heating Up Some Hot Dogs in the Microwave’ to ‘Just Order a Pizza’ to ‘What Do You Mean You’re Hungry Again?’ Additionally, the game has an overhauled reward system, with new achievements including ‘A Little Pink Never Hurt Nobody,’ which is received for serving food that is bordering on raw.

Ross also noted that unlike other games in the series, Cooking Papa involves little-to-no eye contact for the duration of gameplay. 

“I don’t know why the game’s camera is sort of perpendicular from Cooking Papa, and angled two feet below him, such that you view him as this authoritative yet deeply flawed figure that is too intimidating to question,” she said. “I thought Cooking Mama’s straight-to-camera setup worked just fine.”

In addition to new mechanics and achievements, Cooking Papa has been described as the most ambitious campaign yet, with a more narrative plot than has ever been seen in the franchise. 

“About halfway through the game, Cooking Papa just stops showing up,” said Ross. “He said he was going out for some Paprika and then he didn’t come back!”

Developers Taito have announced a season pass of DLC called the Cooking Father Figures pass, which will serve as a continuation of the Cooking Papa storyline and include upcoming standalone chapters called Cooking Uncle, Cooking Professor, Cooking Todd, and Cooking Archival Footage of Mr. Rogers.

As of press time, Cooking Papa has been pulled from shelves for, “failing to meet the standards of fatherhood its customers expect and deserve,” after just a few days on sale.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

North Korea’s Mom Demands Little Sister Gets a Turn as Dictator

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PYONGYANG — North Korea’s mother has demanded that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un give his little sister Kim Yo-jong a turn as dictator now that he has died, according to those familiar with the situation.

“You had your fun as Supreme Leader, but your sister can play ruthless dictator too. I didn’t give you this country to just hog it all up for yourself,” the nation’s mother reportedly said. “Now that you died, it’s time to hand the controller over to her and give her a chance to make propaganda videos and threaten foreign powers, or whatever the heck it is you do in these games.”

At press time, the North Korean government sent a private message to the surgeon who botched Kim Jong-un’s heart surgery, calling him a “cheating hacker piece of shit.”

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