WASHINGTON — The U.S. Federal Government announced today that, due to a plummeting economy related to the COVID-19 pandemic, it will layoff three states in order to maintain the national budget.
“The administration regrets to inform you that, effective immediately, Maine, Florida, and North Dakota are no longer a part of the United States,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany in a statement. “While we appreciate the unique qualities these states contributed to our organization, we feel that at this time, they should look to pursue new opportunities outside of the country. We wish them the best of luck in all future endeavors.”
North Dakota resident Randy Flint was confused and frustrated as the National Guard escorted all three states out of the country.
“What the hell does this even mean? So all of a sudden we’re just not a state anymore? Can they do that?” Flint asked. “I already lost my job at the tanning salon after this pandemic turned into a global shitshow, and now this? This country has gone straight to hell.”
“Well… not this country,” Flint clarified. “Actually, how does that work? Like, are we our own country now, or do we have to join someone else’s? Wait… am I a fucking Canadian now?!”
South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham supported the decision to eliminate the selected states from the national roster.
“I believe dismissing these three states will strengthen the remaining parts of this nation. They were pretty much dead weight even before the economy went to hell, so I’m glad to see them gone. Especially Maine,” said Graham. “I’m sure some bleeding-heart liberals will claim that it’s ‘insane’ or ‘unconstitutional’ to layoff entire states. But if these states just pull themselves up by their bootstraps, they’ll be back on their feet in no time. That’s the American… uh, I mean, former-American way.”
When reached, Florida Senator Marco Rubio and Governor Ron DeSantis claimed they were “glad to be laid off” and that they “never liked this country anyway.”