Bald Guy Pushing for CDC to Make Hats Mandatory Too

Posted on by Issa Diao

MADISON, Wis. — Local bald man Gene Zielinski is petitioning the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today, demanding they include hats as mandatory protective gear a person must wear whenever in public.

“I just want to reiterate that this has nothing to do with my own personal insecurities. I’ve been bald since I was 19, so I’m totally used to having no hair, and in fact, I’m very proud of it,” said Zielinski, while covering multiple bottles of Rogaine in his bathroom with a towel. “My personal research shows that COVID-19 thrives in lush heads of hair, especially when it comes to men. If we are all required to wear hats, it will not only help flatten the curve, but it will also even the playing field in the dating game. Not that I need any help, of course.”

Bald men across the country were eager to join Zielinski in his quest.

“It makes perfect sense, when you really think about it: these facemasks cover my lush beard whenever I go out, and that’s what really sets me apart from other guys,” said bald man Omar Semer. “I also think women should be required to wear something… like, maybe a bandana tied off in a cute way, that sort of makes them look like a sexy baker or something? We can definitely figure it out later. But right now, we need all men to get together and pledge to wear hats in all their Tinder pictures, and whenever they are in public, because it’s the right thing to do.”

The CDC, however, is steadfast that hats offer no protective qualities when it comes to the spread of COVID-19.

“Many of our male staffers who are a bit thin on top have pushed us to research this more, but we’ve found no link between well-coiffed, virile men, and increased risk of contracting coronavirus,” said CDC spokesperson Debbie Anderson. “My own brother is bald and even wears a hat when he’s in the shower. I don’t think we need more people wearing hats — I think we need more men being comfortable with their own bodies. But I know that won’t happen anytime soon, so in the meantime, we will just continue to delete every email with ‘hat’ in the subject line.”

Zielinski is also petitioning OnlyFans to institute a free trial where “guys could just check out a bunch of profiles without going fucking broke.”

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Super Mario Maker 2, NBA Jam, and Assassin’s Creed 2?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

Video games are offering us a healthy escape during this global pandemic, but there’s no escape from the repercussions of war crimes. Violating the Geneva Conventions is a serious matter, whether you’re on the battlefield or playing Battlefield. So, we once again return to bring you a weekly round up of which games allow you to heinously break the 1864 treaty.

The latest game in the XCOM series may let you control a crew of rag tag do-gooders, but this squad’s tactics are anything but legal. Verge’s mind control ability may seem like fun, but it’s in direct violation of article 52 of the 4th Geneva Convention. The article states, “Unless he be a volunteer, no prisoner of war may be employed on labour which is of an unhealthy or dangerous nature.” This soldier doesn’t look like a willful participant to me, and this is certainly not a safe situation. Are Chimera Squad really the good guys here?

Medical personnel are extremely protected under the Geneva Conventions, but nobody told the developers of House of the Dead: Overkill, apparently. As stated in article 24 of the 1st convention, “Medical personnel… shall be respected and protected in all circumstances.” Of course, the undead nature of this nurse calls into question where zombies can still be considered medical personnel. But, as there are no clauses on the living dead in the Geneva Conventions, we have to take her red cross at face value and persecute anyone who opens fire on her.

Super Mario Maker 2 allows you to torture other players by creating diabolical Mario levels. But I have some bad news for you dastardly creators out there: you may be committing a war crime. Let’s refer to articles 19 and 20 of the 3rd Convention, which discuss safe evacuations: “Prisoners of war shall not be unnecessarily exposed to danger while awaiting evacuation from a fighting zone.” This certainly looks like unnecessary danger to me.

You’d think that there’s no way to violate war crimes in a basketball game, but think again. The original NBA Jam features both Bill and Hilary Clinton as playable characters. So, while you can’t commit war crimes in the game itself, it is made abundantly clear that you have already committed them prior to even stepping onto the court. This logic must be applied to any video game that allows you to play as any real life American president.

One final piece of good news: you technically can’t violate the Geneva Conventions in Assassin’s Creed 2. The game takes place before the rules existed, which means you more or less have free reign to commit whatever infractions you want. And that’s great for Ubisoft, because if this game was set after 1864, you could be imprisoned for a number of crimes– especially those which pertain to disrupting religious gatherings. However, keep in mind that the rules do still apply to the game’s Desmond sections, so tread carefully.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Historically Shit-Sucking Gamer Swears ‘Valorant’ Is Going to Be Different

Posted on by Andy Holt

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen, who has sucked shit at every single video game he has ever played, swears he is going to get “really good” at the upcoming 5v5 shooter Valorant from Riot Games.

Olsen insisted that, by getting in on the ground floor of the new game, he would be able to overcome his consistent history as a totally inept button-masher who couldn’t hit a brick wall with a shotgun at point-blank range.

“The problem is, I start playing new games too late. Everybody is already too good for me to learn all the little nuances,” said Olsen, 32, who has played hundreds of team multiplayer matches in other games and remained nothing but a burden on his squad. “This time, I’m getting in there early. It’s going to be a totally different ball game.”

Despite a long history of getting absolutely wrecked in such diverse titles as Call of Duty, Battlefield, Destiny, PUBG, FIFA, NBA2K, GTA Online, Red Dead Online, Forza, Mario Kart, Fortnite, Super Smash Bros., arcade games including NBA Showtime, Mortal Kombat, and NFL Blitz, and the board games Monopoly, Scrabble, Risk, Catan, Battleship, Clue, and checkers, Olsen feels that Valorant will finally be his time to shine.

“Gaming has always been more of a casual thing for me,” said Olsen, who has played several hours of video games nearly every day for 20 years. “I’ve got the raw talent, I just need to focus on the details and I’ll be able to play Valorant with the best of them.”

Olsen’s longtime friends and teammates expressed skepticism.

“I’ve been playing Overwatch with Harry for a couple years, and honestly, I’d rather be down a teammate than have my screen cluttered up with him running around shooting at nothing. I tried to convince him not to play Valorant, but I’m not having any luck,” said Carl Faulk, a mid-tier player who Olsen describes as “most incredible gamer” he has ever seen.

“I might just play Valorant with a new account and tell Harry I’m not playing,” said another squadmate, who insisted on anonymity. “I can’t take it anymore.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Activist Posts Important Meme

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local activist/influencer/yoga instructor/Instagram model/spiritualist Lana-Ann Fink did her part yesterday to take a stand and inspire change on political and social issues by reposting a popular Baby Yoda meme.

“I feel so strongly about issues like labor and human rights and stuff that I knew I had to get involved,” Fink said while filming a branded Instagram story of at-home glute workouts and captioning it with a series of highly trafficked activism hashtags. “We all need to do our part to end suffering. That’s why I shared a FuckJerry post of Baby Yoda sipping tea with the caption, ‘You’re the problem.’ Really powerful stuff. I hope more people get the message and start like, doing things more. If I can inspire just one person, I’ve done my job.”

Fink’s follower Brady Ryan was confused by the ambiguous message.

“She posts ‘statements’ pretty often, and to be honest, I never understand them,” he commented, while temporarily muting Fink’s profile from his feed. “I suppose she feels involved, and isn’t hurting anyone, so it’s fine. The most confusing thing is, because the posts are so vague, I honestly can’t even tell if she’s good or bad. Like, she posted something about politics… but it was that politician with the eyepatch photoshopped into a screenshot of ‘Friends,’ so like, does that mean you like him, or hate him? Like, we all hate on Ross, but also Ross is often the most logical and mature… so which side are you even taking?”

Actual activist Mora Burke noted Fink’s pseudo-activism is toxic in certain circumstances.

“In a vacuum, it’d be harmless to post that nonsense — but crazy alt-right people use it as examples of ‘libtard-snowflakes’ or whatever, so it ends up being counterproductive,” Burke said while making extra signs and masks for actual, real-life protests she will be attending. “On the other hand, she’s got over a million followers on Instagram, so maybe I can get her to tag me in something and my follower count will finally break into double digits?”

At press time, Fink posted her most tone-deaf and oblivious meme to date: the “distracted boyfriend meme” with the girlfriend labeled “posting on social” and the other woman labeled “actual activism.”

Video Game Speedrunner Changes Boyfriend’s Language to Japanese to Get Through Argument Quicker

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TAMPA, Fla. — Local video game speedrunner Lulu Gardner reportedly changed her boyfriend’s language to Japanese in order to get through an argument with him quicker.

“Every speedrunner knows that Japanese is the quickest language for dialogue and luckily for me, my boyfriend is multilingual,” Gardner explained. “I’ve run this argument with Jake hundreds of times, so I have the timing down perfectly. Once you get passed the early stages, which require some really tricky maneuvering, the rest is pretty easy sailing. Honestly, I think I was on world record pace for a while.”

“Anyway, no, I don’t want to clean the dishes,” she added.

Gardner’s boyfriend, Jake Ortiz, was dismayed to have his language changed midway through the fight, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I don’t know what she did, but now I’m stuck like this in Japanese,” Ortiz said through a translator. “I don’t understand why she has to speed through all of our conversations, when she can just speed through doing the dishes. Wouldn’t that be a better use of her time? We’re supposed to take turns and I did it the last six times. Now I have to do the dishes in Japanese.”

As of press time, Gardner was reportedly working on a new exploit she discovered called Argument-Skip that allows her to use a glitch called “nananana I’m not listening” to clip through future fights entirely.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Interviewed Vince McMahon With a Folding Chair

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

The billionaire chairman and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, and honestly still a pretty good meme format, Vince McMahon has been in the news a lot lately. In the midst of nationwide shutdowns and mass unemployment related to the coronavirus pandemic, McMahon ensured WWE would continue to operate as an essential business in Florida alongside other businesses deemed essential by Florida such as shuffleboard courts and any pet shop large enough to build a meth lab in the back.

Yet, mere days later, he fired more than 30 active wrestlers and furloughed hundreds of staff in the middle of one of the worst economic crises in United States history. We wanted to give Mr. McMahon a chance to explain his side of the story so we sat down with Vince McMahon, only to stand up moments later, grab a folding chair, and wail on him with the force of 30 unemployed wrestlers, countless ex-wrestler widows, and CM Punk’s desire to have his face on an ice cream bar combined.

The Hard Times: Thanks for being here today. To start with, are you planning to hire back any of the ‘released’ wrestlers, and if so, how many?

Vince McMahon: What you need to—hey, what are you doing with that chair, dammit?!

Many people are understandably *chair shot* upset about the *chair shot* recent WWE layoffs. What do you say to the fans?

OWWWW. Now, dammit, you listen to me, dammit!

Sorry McMahon, I can’t hear you over all this kayfabe. You of all people should know to stay down if you don’t want another. Now, you were recently named to President Trump’s advisory committee to re-open the American economy. Your XFL also filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy and you’re currently being sued by a former XFL commissioner. Do you see any inconsistencies there?

You can’t do this to me, dammit! Do you have any idea who I am?!

Wait. Are you the same Vince McMahon who lashed out at a news reporter for inquiring about the impact of CTE on wrestlers?

Yes.

The same Vince McMahon who built a fortune on working wrestlers into early graves and running other wrestling organizations out of business?

Yes.

Yeah we got the right guy. *Neverending sequence of continuous chair shots*

You’re….fi…fired…

And you should have looked at the subculture of the website interviewing you. You really should have given CM Punk those ice cream bars… *final, moist chair shot*

Philadelphian Desperate for Human Interaction Resorts to Chucking D-Size Batteries at Self

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PHILADELPHIA — Quarantined Bella Vista resident Zack Simmons is so desperate for any interaction with his fellow Philadelphians, he’s resorted to hurling D-sized batteries at his own head, concerned sources report.

“As someone from Philadelphia who roots for the Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees, and L.A. Lakers, I’ve always been treated like a bandwagoning piece of shit. Before the pandemic, there was rarely a day that went by in which a random stranger didn’t tell me to go fuck my sister, or my mother, or even my grandmother. But now that I haven’t left my apartment in weeks, I somehow sort of miss it,” said Simmons. “Maybe this quarantine is driving me crazy, but looking back, there’s something charming about a six-year-old girl telling me Dak Prescott is a ‘crumb-bum piece of shit’ and spitting in my face.”

Girlfriend Natalie Ritter admitted she is worried about Simmons’ mental health.

“I love my boyfriend, but sports is pretty much it for him. With hockey, baseball, and basketball postponed, and football months away, he’s got no personality and so much time on his hands,” said Ritter. “I thought seeing him futilely throw batteries at the back of his dome would be the worst of it. But then I caught him checking the state-by-state coronavirus death tolls like it was fantasy football. He even threw a full beer at the TV when Pennsylvania ‘beat’ Texas.”

With the struggles so many Philadelphians are facing, Mayor Jim Kenney has asked that citizens not lose hope during the pandemic.

“Despite the stay-at-home order, the mayor’s office is urging all of Philadelphia to try to live their lives as best they can. Our strength in the face of jabronis, and our resolve to spam every r/nfl thread with ‘41-33’ is the only way we will get through this,” said Kenney. “When life returns to normal, we want all Philadelphians healthy enough to eat horse shit off the ground.”

Mental health experts are finding that many quarantined Americans are experiencing similar feelings, with at least one African-American man from Boston reporting that he misses being racially profiled any time he leaves Roxbury.

Frank Miller Brings Gritty Noir Sensibility to Niece’s Baby Shower

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Iconic comic book author Frank Miller brought his trademark terse and pulpy style to his niece Annabelle’s baby shower last weekend, several irritated sources reported. 

“Lotta dames here, lotta reasons to keep drinking,” said Miller out loud to no one in particular shortly after arriving at the backyard party. “Guy could really get himself into trouble at a gig like this. All long legs and stiff drinks. Better split before I start making mistakes. No one here worth goin’ to Hell for.”

The Sin City author’s constant stream of punchy narration and reduction of females to basic stereotypes put off many family members, including his niece, Cynthia Miller, who was hosting the party in her backyard. 

“Ugh, Uncle Frank is always doing this,” said Miller. “On my 18th birthday he wrote in my card ‘To my Pretty Patty, I’d tell you not to start smoking, but you have been for years.’ What a fucking creep. And my name is not even Patty! I was so worried he would show up and get his weird noir stink all over everything, and here we fucking are. It sucks having Frank Miller as your uncle.”  

Several members of Miller’s extended family have reportedly found his presence at family functions offputting over the years. 

“I remember the first time Lynn [Varley, Miller’s ex-wife] brought him to Christmas, something was strange about him,” said Sharon Varley, Miller’s former mother in law. “He kept going outside to smoke, which I told him he didn’t have to do, but he insisted. And it was pouring out! ” 

As of press time, Miller was being forcibly removed from the baby shower after reminding everyone of his 2008 directorial effort, The Spirit.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

‘Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla’ Designed, Developed and Produced by Multicultural Team of Various Weird Sword Dudes

Posted on by Andy Holt

MONTREAL — Ubisoft has taken a diverse approach to their upcoming Norse-themed video game Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, making sure to hire a multicultural team of various guys who are really into swords.

“We would never make a game about the Vikings without consulting with the most devoted scholars of their history and culture,” said Ubisoft recruiter Jenny Wells. “That’s why we spared no expense gathering the latest and greatest dudes with big ol’ swords at home.”

While major video game developers are known for their highly competitive hiring practices, Ubisoft had to alter their process to attract the right people for the job.

“We asked a few women on our staff to put on Yggdrasil shirts and head over to the local barcade. Any guy who walked up totally unprompted and explained what that word means, we gave them a job on the spot,” said Wells, who has spent more than ten years searching for the best programmers, artists and writers in the industry. “Well, we did do a brief interview to make sure they all had swords. They did, of course. Every last one.”

Ubisoft is known for putting a disclaimer on Assassin’s Creed games, emphasizing the multicultural nature of their design staff. The sword guys working on Valhalla have reportedly been pleased with the depth or representation.

“I figured they would just have one or two people like me, and I’d end up feeling like a token,” said Jack Sutherland, a local gamer who was between jobs at the time of hiring. “But then I saw they not only had a couple beefcake God of War players like me, but also some bearded Neil Gaiman superfans, and some lanky fedora guys who keep talking about how they were born at the wrong time. It’s just … it’s really nice to feel seen.”

Sources claim there is already conflict in the studio, however, as the sword guys insisted the Vikings would never make an open-world fantasy RPG video game where you can be a woman.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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