Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Star Trek Fan Says ‘Happy Holidays’ Instead of ‘May the Fourth Be With You’

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Gabe Wood

CINCINNATI — While many people are observing May 4 as Star Wars Day by saying “may the fourth be with you,” local Star Trek fan Lisa Donnelly has opted to instead just say “happy holidays.”

“Star Wars doesn’t have a monopoly on holidays that take place on May 4, you know,” said Donnelly. “There’s National Bird Day, Latvian Independence Day, and one of the non-canonical dates for Star Trek’s Federation Day is right around the corner on May 8. Those days deserve just as much recognition as some manufactured holiday celebrating a science fantasy movie series for kids.”

Some Star Wars fans, however, are calling Donnelly’s decision an attack on their way of life.

“George Lucas is the reason for the season, and anyone who says ‘happy holidays’ is declaring a war on Star Wars Day,” said Sam Gurevich, spokesman for the Cincinnati chapter of the Star Wars fan group 501st Legion. “This is a sacred day for the whole world to celebrate the joy and wonder that four of the nine Star Wars movies have given us.”

As of press time, Donnelly says that she will spend May 4 with other Trekkies, planning festivities for Star Trek Day on September 8 — or as they’re currently trying to rebrand it — Eighth Long and Prostember.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Being Alone vs. Being Lonely: How Glib Wordplay Enables My Detachment From Reality

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Jon Wood

For the 36 million Americans living in solitude during this global pandemic, it’s essential for our sanity that we recognize that being alone is not the same as being lonely. Granted, being physically cut off from other human beings probably means we will feel lonely, but that doesn’t mean we can’t lose ourselves in endlessly debating the juxtaposition of these concepts. Oh and also when this debate ends I’ll be forced to face the grim reality that I had acute bronchitis last year and am therefore marked for death, so let’s explore this distinction further!

It was Oscar Wilde who famously quipped “work is the curse of the drinking class.” A timeless witticism that I, too, find works just as well in bringing levity to depressing conversations about my alcoholism. Nevertheless, I’m reading Wikipedia drunk again and only a few tangential clicks away from reading something coronavirus related that will send me into a panic so let’s stick to the whole “being alone” thing.

Being alone is a state of being while being lonely has an implied negative emotional connotation. Plus, you can be lonely while being around people. I used to fear the latter because, while I can make efforts to surround myself with more people, I struggle to understand my emotions and am much more comfortable solving external problems as opposed to internal, emotional ones. Besides, when I inevitably get sick and die any minute now I’ll be quite literally forever alone anyway so what’s the fucking point?

Fuck, I’m catastrophizing again. Let’s stick to this debate. I know these are precarious times but can we all just take a minute to appreciate the oxymoronic poetry of the #AloneTogether movement? Seriously, what better way to escape the depths of our isolation than by getting off on a savvy once-in-a-generation branding campaign! I went off about this to my family but they’re too busy grieving over grandma to debate. They have such poor coping strategies. Sad.

With so much fear and uncertainty in the world, it’s no wonder we cleave to distractions. “Cleave” is such an interesting word. It’s actually a contronym, which is when the same word has opposite meanings. You might say it’s like being caught in a downward spiral but feeling strangely aloof at the same time. Or maybe I’m just being “a fool,” LOL! Can’t get enough of those anagrams. Anyway, we’re all gonna die.

Abandoned Can of Cream of Celery Soup Knew You Ungrateful Motherfuckers Would Come Crawling Back Someday

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Krissy Howard

LEXINGTON, Ky. — The long-forgotten can of Campbell’s Cream of Celery soup in the back of a local kitchen cupboard knew the day would arrive when the ungrateful motherfuckers like yourself who overlooked it would come crawling back, newly appreciated sources confirmed.

“Well, well, well. Look who’s suddenly not too good to enjoy a… how did you put it? An ‘inedible blob of shit?’” said the can. “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time, and if you think you’re just gonna waltz in here like nothing happened, you got another thing coming, tough guy. I’m not that box of orange Jello you grabbed outta here last week — I have some self respect.”

The can, which somehow does not expire until 2034, avowed to never let anyone take it for granted ever again now that it knows its own worth.

“Listen, I’m not an unreasonable can — I can forgive, but I will never forget. I’m willing to give those two another shot, but things are gonna be different this time, that’s for damn sure,” the soup stated. “First off, my contents will absolutely not be plopped into some plastic bowl and microwaved — stove top, or get the fuck out. Also, I’m done playing second fiddle: I need to feel appreciated. So they can forget about pouring me over some wilted green beans in some sad-ass attempt at a ‘casserole’ and start hollowing out a loaf of fresh-baked mother fucking sourdough to pour me into ASAP. Because mama’s got an appointment with everyone’s Instagram feed later tonight, and she better have her own hashtag.”

The can’s owners, Courtney and Molly Thomas-Chiu, announced their plans for it.

“I think Court brought that thing home from her mom’s house with a bunch of leftovers like, five years ago,” said back-pedaling piece of shit Molly Thomas-Chiu. “I don’t know why anyone would even think to make this flavor of food. Low sodium? I’ll probably just donate it to the homeless or something.”

With the soup slated to be used, a long-expired box of stuffing and a half-empty bag of stale marshmallows in the pantry are currently wording how they plan to tell off their consumers, too.

Opinion: 253 Views On My Video Doesn’t Sound Like a Lot, But If You Put Them All In a Room…

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

OK so my newest YouTube video essay Breath of the Wild and the Important of Open World Mechanics got 253 views and maybe that doesn’t sound like a lot. But, and just stay with me here, if you imagine all 253 of those people in a room… well, now that’s kind of a lot of people. That’s pretty damn cool.

Honestly, despite the video being, perhaps, “low performing” by YouTube’s standards, it’s surreal to imagine 253 people excitedly packed into a tight venue. The lights dim, but their eyes light up. Is it really happening? Yes, dear audience, it is. There’s an energy in the room as the screen pops up with an image from the beginning of the game The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

“Yo what’s up guys it’s VideoGameDude23 and I’m here with another video essay for my series The Download with VideoGameDude23.”

The crowd goes fucking wild. This is what they’re here for. This is why they’ve left the warmth and comfort of their homes on a rainy Tuesday night to crowd into a local theatre. To experience something. To experience each other. To experience themselves. This is art. This is them — and me — and every molecule of our bodies vibrating and melding into one in a beautiful display of what’s possible with art. This is us becoming a community.

So I dunno, man. 253 people saw the video. That’s pretty sick. And apparently 14% watched the whole thing.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: If You’re Not Going to Refill the Brita, I Think It’s Time We Get a Divorce

Posted on May 3, 2020 by John Danek

I thought I made it clear in our couples’ therapy Zoom session that this wasn’t a joke; it’s serious. I can’t start any more fights about it. I’m just… tired. And I didn’t think it would come to this. But the Brita in the fridge was empty.

I think we need to get a divorce. I know you can’t really move out while we’re quarantined but I simply can’t be married to you for one more hour.

You might expect me to say something like “It’s not actually about the Brita, this quarantine is just difficult.” But I want to be clear: it’s absolutely about the Brita. Not your character or personality or self-isolation, which is all fine I guess. It’s about the goddamned Brita.

The rage that I feel when I pick up that pitcher and don’t feel the weight of water inside… is indescribable. I hate you so fucking much. I hate you when there’s nothing in there! Because YOU made the conscious decision to put it back in the fridge with no water. What if you wanted water again before me? You’re only screwing yourself over.

Ok fine, it’s not entirely about the Brita. It’s also about the car radio. Do you have to leave it SO FUCKING LOUD when you turn the car off? Every time I get in the car, I’m greeted by some out-of-pitch punk singer obliterating my eardrums. Do you just have that much disdain for me every time you turn off the Volvo?

Yes, you’re soooooo talented at starting the dishwasher. Whoop-de-doo! But do you really think that pressing Start is equivalent to putting all the dishes away afterwards? You press that button then celebrate with 3 hazy IPAs like you just caught a serial killer. Then I’m expected to do the other half? Eat shit.

And have you just been printing stuff out with an empty black ink cartridge? I printed out the divorce forms from LegalZoom and it’s an illegible, light gray smudge. Were you never going to say anything? Couldn’t even printer toner to the shopping list?

All these things add up. All these signs of carelessness and idiocy pushed me to the edge. That’s why we’re getting divorced.

It has nothing to do with the cheating.

Record Collector Spends Entire Stimulus Check on Essential Japanese Import

Posted on May 3, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

NASHUA, N.H. — Local record collector Scott Kilduff spent his entire stimulus check on a single Japanese import LP yesterday that he deemed more important than paying rent or utilities, pissed off sources confirmed.

“I’ve been searching forever for the import of ‘Nighttime Shade’ by Way, and finally it popped up on eBay for only $700. They only made 500 of these, and most of them were destroyed because of Fukushima,” said Kilduff. “Lots of collectors drove up the price and before I knew it, my entire stimulus check was invested.”

“I don’t regret it,” Kilduff added. “The Japanese version has two extra songs — and yes, I already have mp3s of those songs — but it’s not the same. Once everyone actually hears the record they’ll understand how important this is.”

Kilduff’s roommates say his inability to prioritize finances is nothing new.

“I’ve lived with Scott for three years, and getting him to pay rent is always a hassle. Two months ago he lost his sunglasses, and he was late on rent because he spent his entire paycheck on Ray-Bans,” said roommate Izzy Parnassus. “He also told me that he shouldn’t have to pay as large of a share of utilities because he doesn’t shower as much as everyone else, and only watches Netflix from my account, so ‘technically’ that’s me using internet bandwidth. Not to mention, he spent his tax refund from last year on a hydroponic closet setup that he now just uses to store dirty laundry.”

Treasury officials reiterated that the $1,200 stimulus can be spent on anything, even if they are deeply misguided purchases.

“We want this money to help Americans regain a sense of normalcy. If that means buying $1,200 worth of gifts for an adult performer, then so be it. We aren’t going to police you,” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. “We hope that this helps struggling families make ends meet and keeps people from going hungry, but also it’s perfectly reasonable if you gamble the entire check away in online poker.”

At press time, Kilduff found he’d been scammed into paying $1,200 for a photo of the record, and discovered the seller had deleted their profile.

‘Call of Duty: Warzone’ Concert Features 500-Foot Ted Nugent

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Following in the footsteps of rival free-to-play battle royale game Fortnite, the developers of Call of Duty: Warzone held a 45-minute in-game concert last night featuring a 500-foot Ted Nugent strumming on his virtual guitar for players.

“It was weird. He only played one song and spent the rest of the time ranting about how Hillary Clinton needs to be shot. Apparently Activision spent like four months working on this,” said John Hammond, a player who attended the concert. “I really didn’t need to be flying around the map during all that. I guess the underwater part was pretty cool, but it felt a little uncomfortable considering that Ted used it as a reason to discuss his defense of waterboarding terrorists.”

Despite negative reviews from fans, the team behind Call of Duty has remained positive.

“For better or for worse, we have to compete with Fortnite and that’s where all the ‘cool’ artists are doing their concerts. We looked at the list of people available to do a Call of Duty: Warzone show and we were left with Ted Nugent,” explained Activision president Rob Kostich. “That being said, we’re really proud of the work we did! It took our development team so long to perfectly stylize Ted’s rants in such a way that they felt active for players and fully improvised for listeners.”

“I think it came out really great, and I’m excited to see what the future holds for video game concerts for 500-foot artists,” he added. “I think the next person we have booked is the Unabomber.”

As of press time, Ted Nugent was being invested by the FBI due to a moment in his concert where he spotted an in-game player named ObamaLova and threatened to murder him.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Five “Community” Easter Eggs I’ve Blown Out of Proportion Due to Loneliness

Posted on May 2, 2020 by Ben Collins

Like so many of us, I’ve spent the last few weeks quarantined alone in my studio apartment with nothing but TV and my increasingly worrisome thoughts to keep me company. Luckily for us lonesome souls, Netflix recently added the cult NBC series “Community.” And after weeks of repeated viewings, I’ve discovered a number of fun, wacky, and at times, downright disturbing Easter Eggs. Let’s take a look!

T-8Abed — In, “Modern Warfare,” Greendale plays paintball. Jeff, who was napping in his car, is nearly blasted full of paint before Abed rescues him. Abed deadpans, “Come with me if you don’t want paint on your clothes.” Most will catch the reference to “T2: Judgement Day.” But what you may miss is the way Abed then looks directly into the camera and explains how the birds are poisoning my Frosted Flakes. I don’t know what movie that is referencing, but still a pretty neat Easter Egg for hardcore fans!

Logan’s Beans — The episode “App Development and Condiments” provides detailed instructions on how to dissociate from one’s identity and carry on full, in-depth conversations with your own reflection. It also features a kinda cool “Logan’s Run” reference. I screamed out my window to a lady walking her dog and asked if she ever saw “Logan’s Run,” but she must not have heard me because she just started sprinting away.

“Am I pretty, daddy?” — The episode “Aerodynamics of Gender” reveals Abed can zero in on insecurities, emotionally destroying any and all Greendale students. But what you likely missed is Chevy Chase appearing in the corner of my eye. When I try to look at him he vanishes, but I KNOW he’s here, mocking me and quoting “Caddyshack.” Yes, it’s terrifying, but for the first time in weeks I don’t feel alone.

Troy’s Movie Idea — In this now classic episode, Troy (played by Danny “I’m Too Old for This Shit” Glover) points to a small, mosaic tile in the Greendale gym locker room. If you freeze frame at just the right moment, you can read the following message on the tile: “TOYNBEE IDEA IN MOViE `2001 RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER.” It didn’t make a whole lot of sense the first 2 or 35 times I watched it, but now the episode really speaks to me.

My Dinner with Abed — I wither every day. The world dies around me, my window a prison cell from which I must watch its decay. I can see the sign of an Applebees from my window, I long for the embrace of sit-down casual dining which I once rejected. Anyway, there’s an episode where it’s a reference

Basement Hostages Blissfully Unaware of Pandemic

Posted on May 2, 2020 by Ryan Danley

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — 64-year-old captor Charles Lynn Gartner’s basement-dwelling hostages remain blissfully unaware of the global crisis happening right outside their cage, sources feeding them dog food twice a day confirmed.

“As much as I’ve wanted to say something to the captives, I felt it best to shield them from this information. I mean, this would be the first time they’d learn that asshole Donald Trump is president. I can’t do that to them. It’s just too cruel,” said Gartner from the living room of his dilapidated farmhouse. “Hell, even if I did release them now, all the things they’d want to do — eat out, go to a park, see their loved ones — are not options. And honestly, I don’t want them thinking their relatives are going to die before I release them. I’m too benevolent of a God for that.”

Despite Gartner’s efforts to keep morale high and spare his prisoners from the hideous truth, the captives are having trouble seeing the positives.

“I don’t know what’s happening… but for some reason, we’re no longer getting rice, and he’s now making us all stand six feet apart. Why is he like this? I’ve done everything he’s said since day one,” said Thomas Fielding, who has been missing for eight years. “It’s so dark here, and so cold… and now he’s rationing toilet paper. Something must be going on out there, because I can’t hear the neighborhood children laughing anymore. I always thought their joy made my captivity more painful, but now that it’s gone, I actually feel worse.”

While the urge to be honest with people is tempting, Sarah Heldman, the Director of Public Affairs for the Center For Disease Control, stressed the importance of limiting social strife.

“Oh, sure, it seems like the right thing is to let everyone know. But that just adds unnecessary stress and increases overall panic. For societal health, we really should skip telling the infirmed elderly, young children, and people trapped in dank, dark cages in an out-of-work auto mechanic’s makeshift nightmare prison,” said Heldman via Skype. “And to be honest with you, I’d rather drink my own urine and never see the light of day again than know what’s coming after COVID-19. Because that shit is fucked up.”

Gartner could not be reached for further comment, as he was busy screaming at a photo of his mother.

Here’s How Anyone Can Make a Face Mask From Items Lying Around Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand

Posted on May 2, 2020 by Jason VanSlycke

Face masks have become commonplace in this current era. Some of us are buying fancy masks off Etsy. Some of us are mugging health care professionals in unlit parking lots for all their PPE. And some of us have resorted to making masks out of old t-shirts, although I may want to wear that worn-out Sonic Youth shirt that won’t fit sometime, so no dice there.

There is one abundant and untapped resource in our nation for mask materials that have so far gone unlooked: the famously fashionable and well-adorned microphone stand of classic rocker Steven Tyler. The hipster grandmother meme guy. He could help provide material to make hundreds, maybe thousands, of masks.

A family of five found a nice striped scarf and had enough material left over to make a mask for their cat even though the cat refuses to wear her mask. Volunteers for a local homeless shelter managed to sew two hundred masks from a nice fringy orange fabric.

Step one is to get a hold of the material. While it is plentiful Steven Tyler and his mic stand are very busy. Some people find that a simple letter will get the job done, just be sure not to defend how sexualized his daughter was in those old Aerosmith videos.

The next step is selection. If you’re looking for decorative fabrics you’ve come to the right mic stand. Solids, stripes, paisley, and tie-dye. You want a mask that is comfortable while also maintaining a thick enough thread count to considerably filter microparticles. Be sure to wash the fabric before wearing it. While Steven Tyler has been famously sober for a long time there have been reports of people using material off his older mic stands and testing positive for cocaine during a random drug screening.

You can find patterns to sew face masks online or you can just wrap the whole thing around your face. Be sure to cover your nose and don’t be one of those dumbasses who take their mask off to talk on the phone in the grocery store. Keep your face covered in public. Steven Tyler sacrificed his mic stand for your health, respect that.

One would think such an artist would have exhausted his contributions to humanity at large after composing “Dude Looks Like a Lady” but Steven Tyler, and his mic stand, are proving to be a life-saving resource in these terrifying times, especially if you get one of the fabrics laced with acid.

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