Press "Enter" to skip to content

Here’s How Anyone Can Make a Face Mask From Items Lying Around Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand

Face masks have become commonplace in this current era. Some of us are buying fancy masks off Etsy. Some of us are mugging health care professionals in unlit parking lots for all their PPE. And some of us have resorted to making masks out of old t-shirts, although I may want to wear that worn-out Sonic Youth shirt that won’t fit sometime, so no dice there.

There is one abundant and untapped resource in our nation for mask materials that have so far gone unlooked: the famously fashionable and well-adorned microphone stand of classic rocker Steven Tyler. The hipster grandmother meme guy. He could help provide material to make hundreds, maybe thousands, of masks.

A family of five found a nice striped scarf and had enough material left over to make a mask for their cat even though the cat refuses to wear her mask. Volunteers for a local homeless shelter managed to sew two hundred masks from a nice fringy orange fabric.

Step one is to get a hold of the material. While it is plentiful Steven Tyler and his mic stand are very busy. Some people find that a simple letter will get the job done, just be sure not to defend how sexualized his daughter was in those old Aerosmith videos.

The next step is selection. If you’re looking for decorative fabrics you’ve come to the right mic stand. Solids, stripes, paisley, and tie-dye. You want a mask that is comfortable while also maintaining a thick enough thread count to considerably filter microparticles. Be sure to wash the fabric before wearing it. While Steven Tyler has been famously sober for a long time there have been reports of people using material off his older mic stands and testing positive for cocaine during a random drug screening.

You can find patterns to sew face masks online or you can just wrap the whole thing around your face. Be sure to cover your nose and don’t be one of those dumbasses who take their mask off to talk on the phone in the grocery store. Keep your face covered in public. Steven Tyler sacrificed his mic stand for your health, respect that.

One would think such an artist would have exhausted his contributions to humanity at large after composing “Dude Looks Like a Lady” but Steven Tyler, and his mic stand, are proving to be a life-saving resource in these terrifying times, especially if you get one of the fabrics laced with acid.