NASHUA, N.H. — Local record collector Scott Kilduff spent his entire stimulus check on a single Japanese import LP yesterday that he deemed more important than paying rent or utilities, pissed off sources confirmed.
“I’ve been searching forever for the import of ‘Nighttime Shade’ by Way, and finally it popped up on eBay for only $700. They only made 500 of these, and most of them were destroyed because of Fukushima,” said Kilduff. “Lots of collectors drove up the price and before I knew it, my entire stimulus check was invested.”
“I don’t regret it,” Kilduff added. “The Japanese version has two extra songs — and yes, I already have mp3s of those songs — but it’s not the same. Once everyone actually hears the record they’ll understand how important this is.”
Kilduff’s roommates say his inability to prioritize finances is nothing new.
“I’ve lived with Scott for three years, and getting him to pay rent is always a hassle. Two months ago he lost his sunglasses, and he was late on rent because he spent his entire paycheck on Ray-Bans,” said roommate Izzy Parnassus. “He also told me that he shouldn’t have to pay as large of a share of utilities because he doesn’t shower as much as everyone else, and only watches Netflix from my account, so ‘technically’ that’s me using internet bandwidth. Not to mention, he spent his tax refund from last year on a hydroponic closet setup that he now just uses to store dirty laundry.”
Treasury officials reiterated that the $1,200 stimulus can be spent on anything, even if they are deeply misguided purchases.
“We want this money to help Americans regain a sense of normalcy. If that means buying $1,200 worth of gifts for an adult performer, then so be it. We aren’t going to police you,” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. “We hope that this helps struggling families make ends meet and keeps people from going hungry, but also it’s perfectly reasonable if you gamble the entire check away in online poker.”
At press time, Kilduff found he’d been scammed into paying $1,200 for a photo of the record, and discovered the seller had deleted their profile.