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Opinion: If You’re Not Going to Refill the Brita, I Think It’s Time We Get a Divorce

I thought I made it clear in our couples’ therapy Zoom session that this wasn’t a joke; it’s serious. I can’t start any more fights about it. I’m just… tired. And I didn’t think it would come to this. But the Brita in the fridge was empty.

I think we need to get a divorce. I know you can’t really move out while we’re quarantined but I simply can’t be married to you for one more hour.

You might expect me to say something like “It’s not actually about the Brita, this quarantine is just difficult.” But I want to be clear: it’s absolutely about the Brita. Not your character or personality or self-isolation, which is all fine I guess. It’s about the goddamned Brita.

The rage that I feel when I pick up that pitcher and don’t feel the weight of water inside… is indescribable. I hate you so fucking much. I hate you when there’s nothing in there! Because YOU made the conscious decision to put it back in the fridge with no water. What if you wanted water again before me? You’re only screwing yourself over.

Ok fine, it’s not entirely about the Brita. It’s also about the car radio. Do you have to leave it SO FUCKING LOUD when you turn the car off? Every time I get in the car, I’m greeted by some out-of-pitch punk singer obliterating my eardrums. Do you just have that much disdain for me every time you turn off the Volvo?

Yes, you’re soooooo talented at starting the dishwasher. Whoop-de-doo! But do you really think that pressing Start is equivalent to putting all the dishes away afterwards? You press that button then celebrate with 3 hazy IPAs like you just caught a serial killer. Then I’m expected to do the other half? Eat shit.

And have you just been printing stuff out with an empty black ink cartridge? I printed out the divorce forms from LegalZoom and it’s an illegible, light gray smudge. Were you never going to say anything? Couldn’t even printer toner to the shopping list?

All these things add up. All these signs of carelessness and idiocy pushed me to the edge. That’s why we’re getting divorced.

It has nothing to do with the cheating.