PHILADELPHIA — Quarantined Bella Vista resident Zack Simmons is so desperate for any interaction with his fellow Philadelphians, he’s resorted to hurling D-sized batteries at his own head, concerned sources report.
“As someone from Philadelphia who roots for the Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees, and L.A. Lakers, I’ve always been treated like a bandwagoning piece of shit. Before the pandemic, there was rarely a day that went by in which a random stranger didn’t tell me to go fuck my sister, or my mother, or even my grandmother. But now that I haven’t left my apartment in weeks, I somehow sort of miss it,” said Simmons. “Maybe this quarantine is driving me crazy, but looking back, there’s something charming about a six-year-old girl telling me Dak Prescott is a ‘crumb-bum piece of shit’ and spitting in my face.”
Girlfriend Natalie Ritter admitted she is worried about Simmons’ mental health.
“I love my boyfriend, but sports is pretty much it for him. With hockey, baseball, and basketball postponed, and football months away, he’s got no personality and so much time on his hands,” said Ritter. “I thought seeing him futilely throw batteries at the back of his dome would be the worst of it. But then I caught him checking the state-by-state coronavirus death tolls like it was fantasy football. He even threw a full beer at the TV when Pennsylvania ‘beat’ Texas.”
With the struggles so many Philadelphians are facing, Mayor Jim Kenney has asked that citizens not lose hope during the pandemic.
“Despite the stay-at-home order, the mayor’s office is urging all of Philadelphia to try to live their lives as best they can. Our strength in the face of jabronis, and our resolve to spam every r/nfl thread with ‘41-33’ is the only way we will get through this,” said Kenney. “When life returns to normal, we want all Philadelphians healthy enough to eat horse shit off the ground.”
Mental health experts are finding that many quarantined Americans are experiencing similar feelings, with at least one African-American man from Boston reporting that he misses being racially profiled any time he leaves Roxbury.