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Neighborhood Applause for Healthcare Workers Ruins Perfect Vocal Take

BROOKLYN — New Yorkers loudly applauded their appreciation for healthcare workers on the front lines of the COVID-19 epidemic again last night, unwittingly ruining bedroom musician Carrie Lorre’s “perfect” vocal take, confirmed the extremely frustrated singer.

“We don’t even live near a hospital, so there’s no way the nurses can hear anything. So what’s the fucking point of cheering? One guy was banging on a pot like a kid in a parade. Totally unnecessary,” said Lorre. “My next door neighbor is in the hospital with coronavirus, so I finally had the chance to record some vocal tracks without him calling the building manager to complain. I took my usual five or six dozen warmup takes in GarageBand — which I instantly hit CTRL+Z on — and right as I could feel myself about to finally nail the high note, all the idiots on the block started screaming. It totally threw off the autotune.”

One of Lorre’s neighbors admitted they’re one of the louder supporters.

“7 p.m. cheering is the only thing I have to look forward to,” admitted upstairs neighbor Mark Schramko, who had to temporarily close his gluten-free donut shop. “It’s the only event in my Google Calendar right now. We have to cheer for the workers: they need to hear our hooting and hollering! They need to be inspired to beat this disease. Without our support, they might stop fighting!”

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services issued guidelines for effective ways to support healthcare workers during this time.

“Let’s be real — the clapping doesn’t do shit, and you’re just doing it to post on social media to compete with those shifty, opera-singing Italians,” declared Secretary of Health and Human Services Alex Azar. “But most Americans seem pretty cool with it, so instead of putting more money towards hospitals, most of the Trump administration just applauds loudly at the same time each night. It saves us a shitload of money, and I need it right now — I had to dump a bunch of stocks in hotels, and… I should really stop talking.”

However, the cheering ritual has had some unintended consequences, including falsely boosting the egos of out-of-work stand-up comedians holding live-streamed comedy events at the same time.