Twelve Times Les Claypool Surprised Us With a Funny Little Hat

Les Claypool has made a career out of dabbling in the absurd. From his off-kilter bass slappery to his lyrics about horny alley cats, he’s always given fans a hefty dose of a frenzied imagination. One thing that sets him apart even further is his penchant for strange headwear in performance. We take a closer look at twelve funny little hats the Primus bassman has used over the years. 

The “Tales from the Punchbowler”

This hat emerged after Claypool developed a fascination with mid-nineteenth-century American politicians. What started as some light research for a song character quickly evolved into an alternative persona that caused quite a bit of tension in the Primus camp. During this period Claypool would not acknowledge the existence of technology such as cell phones or computers and insisted on traveling from concert to concert via dirigibles.

The “Jerry the Racing Helmet”

This get-up surfaced during the first Frog Brigade tour and despite the aesthetic appeal of the helmet, it served a much more practical purpose. As part of the set design, a giant mechanical frog was hung over the band each night which had several moving features such as exaggerated genitalia. After a stage malfunction that caused one of the frog’s aluminum testicles to fly off and land on the stage, Claypool thought it’d be best to guard his noggin against errant amphibian gonads.

The “John the Fishing Hat”

We get it. Everyone knows Les Claypool loves to fish. Moving on.

The “Sathington Wallaby”

In addition to Claypool’s fishing hobby, it’s rumored that he indulges in another passion while touring Australia— small game poaching. He and a few crew members rent a Landrover and head out into the bush to nab any wombats, wallabies, dingos, and flying squirrels that pass through their crosshairs. They then take their kills back to a makeshift amateur taxidermy studio on the tour bus for preservation.

The “Phish Off” Hat

This rig emerged halfway through the Oysterhead tour, once Claypool had enough of Trey Anastasio’s guitar wanking. Live clips from that time reveal him mumbling to his bass tech, “this was a bad idea…”

The “Los Bastardos Mini Sombrero”

Not many people noticed Claypool’s nod to the nation of Mexico on the Brown Album tour. Claypool found the accessory in a margarita he ordered at Sammy Haggar’s Beach Bar & Grill and decided to incorporate it into the stage show. Measuring just over the size of a thimble, some wonder whether or not it was even worth the effort to wear each night.

The “Winona’s Big Brown Beaver Pelt Hat”

This hat is a Claypool family heirloom, made by his great-great-grandfather, Finneas Artholemew Claypool the Third. The elder Claypool found the beaver chomping away at the wall of the family outhouse and decided to make better use of the mammal. The hat has since been put back in the family vault, which contains among many other relics, Geddy Lee’s baby teeth.

The “Frizzle Fez”

An entry from the early days of Primus, Claypool used to wear this in rehearsal as it was thought to ward off “creativity goblins,” which hindered the songwriting process. The hat, along with the rationale for wearing it, was cited by many of the past members for leaving the band. It is reported that there were between 25 to 30 drummers for the Primus before Tim “Herb” Alexander joined on a permanent basis.

The “Pork Pie/Soda Hat”

This was more of a daily wear for Claypool between tours. In fact, sources close to the artist state that he never leaves his house without some kind of hat or headgear. Those same sources state that the reason for this is to hide the lining of Renolds “Heavy Duty” tinfoil Claypool wraps his cranium in whenever in range of government satellites.

The “Sgt. Baker”

Claypool has had long had a fascination with military history. Each Spring in his hometown of El Sobrante California, he participates in the reenactment of the county’s sole Union Soldier awaiting the invasion of Confederate forces. The reenactment usually involves Claypool standing in the town square looking at his pocketwatch for around 12 hours.

The “Tommy the Hat”

Claypool reportedly stole this hat from Tom Waits after the “Tommy the Cat” session. Waits apparently wore the hat to get into character and after seeing the effect that it had on the performance, Claypool swiped it from the vocal booth while Waits was smoking a cigarette. The two have not spoken since.

The “KFC Bucket”

Spoiler Alert: Les Claypool is Buckethead.

We Look Back on January 6th. Two Years Later

January 6th, 2021 was one of the strangest days in American history. A group of rebels that love America and everything it stands for tried to overthrow the government that serves it. What was their objective? No real idea, as punks we also hate the government, and these meatballs ruined violent overthrows for everyone, thanks a lot jerks. Lets take a look back at some of our reporting.

Tour Guide Needs Everyone to Quiet Down Before Explaining Significance of How Many Stairs Lead Into Capitol Building

Read the full story here…

Tucker Carlson Reminds Viewers That Capitol Building Was No Angel

Read the full story here…

Man Who Stormed Senate Already Back to Yelling at Skateboarders in Walmart Parking Lot

Read the full story here…

And from our friends over at Hard Drive:

MAGA Protesters Set Police to Easy Mode

Read the full story here…

Heartwarming: This Cop and MAGA Supporter Finally Met After Years of Playing Xbox Live Together

Read the full story here…

Thanks for taking this trip down memory lane. Go visit our merch store. It’s the best way to support what we do and there are a lot of great things we know you will enjoy.

Hardcore Frontman’s Resume Just List of Fights He Won

WHEELING, W. Va. — Unemployed hardcore punk singer Lyle “Coccyx” Plant is seeking employment with a resume consisting solely of fistfights and crew battles in which he was the victor, numerous HR departments reported.

“They say to list your proudest achievements on your resume, so mine details the date, time, and location of every time I beat down someone that betrayed me or sold out one my friends,” said Plant, who was fired from his last job after knocking out his boss. “I also attached photos of the aftermath. Sometimes my face is bloody, which I think conveys a sense of honesty and a strong work ethic. Or it conveys that I’ll kick your ass if you don’t hire me. Either way, I really need a steady paycheck until we go on tour with God’s Hate in March.”

Potential employers in West Virginia’s northern panhandle had varying reactions to Plant’s alarming job applications.

“In all my years of hiring graveyard shift Wal-Mart stock crew, I’ve never seen a resume as violent as this,” said Wal-Mart manager and Bible Study Meetup leader Pauline Koch. “I even called one of the references named ‘Sickfoot’ who confirmed that Lyle did in fact beat his rear end quite fully. We don’t need the best and brightest to stock these shelves, and maybe I can teach Mr. Plant about the love of our lord Jesus? Or maybe he can kick my ex-boyfriend’s rear end too before I inevitably fire him.”

Professional headhunters encouraged caution in striking a balance between a traditional resume and more attention-grabbing tactics.

“Companies are not interested in knowing how many fights you won, unless maybe you’re applying to be a bouncer or work in private security,” reported headhunter Ilana Williamson, who specializes in placing punk-adjacent lifers in permanent job positions. “Keep the fights off the resume, and only mention one in your cover letter if it’s a heroic tale of defending the defenseless. If you just started swinging because you thought someone was badmouthing your band’s merch, save it for the water cooler once you have the job.”

Sources confirmed that Plant’s employment prospects are dwindling, as he has begun including explicit photos of all his tattoos, piercings, and scars.

“The Mandalorian” Season Three to Follow Teenage Yoda’s Quest to Lose Virginity Before Graduation

BURBANK, Calif. – Disney announced that the highly-anticipated third season of their hit series “The Mandalorian” will focus on Yoda as a teenager and his quest to lose his virginity prior to Jedi Academy graduation, opinionated sources confirmed.

“We’ve decided to age up the new season, so now Baby Yoda’s all grown and horny as hell,” stated Disney CEO Robert Iger to skeptical-looking advertisers. “Viewers will get a chance to see Grogu, or Greg as he now wants to be known, go through his awkward high school years as he embarks on a journey of sexual discovery. Our Market Research team led by my thirteen-year-old nephew Todd, has indicated that fans are very interested in following this beloved character’s coming-of-age pursuit to get laid before grad. I don’t want to spoil anything, but Grogu will absolutely at some point be force fucking an apple pie.”

A long-time Star Wars fan shared her trepidation about the show’s change in creative direction.

“I’m not sure how I feel about Baby Yoda being transformed into an insatiable ‘poon hound’ as the press release called him,” said Cathy McMillan. “We love him because he’s so gosh darn adorable not because he’s trying to get his little green peen wet for the first time. Apparently they also have new storylines for Moff Gideon who’ll be playing the crusty principal trying to stop Yoda from pulling off an epic end-of-year prank, and for Peli Motto whose drastic makeover will transform her from ugly duckling to school ‘It Girl’. Frankly, I’m outraged by Disney’s continued degradation of this beloved franchise, but yes, I’ll definitely check it out and go broke buying as much merch as humanly possible.”

Media Professor Dr. Jonathon Riggio explained how shows feel the need to evolve in order to attract new viewers.

“Networks feel pressured to push the creative envelope, sometimes to the point of absurdity,” expressed Dr. Riggio. “It’s a real risk to change a winning formula but if it works it can expand the fan base, but if it backfires it can alienate viewers. What’s next, Yoda getting addicted to fentanyl like he’s some kid on ‘Euphoria’? Wait, that could actually work. Do you happen to have Robert Iger’s phone number? This could be my ticket out of this shitty community college.”

At press time, season four was already in the works and would reportedly follow Yoda attempting to bust a human trafficking ring he unwittingly uncovers while backpacking from Amsterdam to Oktoberfest.

Roadie For A Capella Group Can’t Believe He’s Getting Away With This

CORSICANA, Texas — The recently hired roadie of touring a capella collective Vox On The Run is flabbergasted that he’s getting away with a job so cushy, envious sources confirmed.

“I mean, knock on wood of course, but, I swear, I haven’t lifted a finger this whole 60-city tour. I offered to carry one of their pitch pipes at the first gig, just to be nice, and they turned me down. Guess it’s a superstition thing for them,” said the group’s roadie Harland Luske while trying to look busy. “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, but until then, I’m gonna stay on the bus and try to get lots of reading done, something I haven’t had the time to do in years. Believe me, I’m as mystified as you are.”

Group members report no ill-will or suspicion toward Mr. Luske, who is apparently very loved among his touring family..

“Oh, Harland’s the best. Always offering to hold our coats or our coffee cups–hold anything, really. He’s always making us laugh by popping in again and again like ‘you sure?’ It’s such a good bit. We couldn’t picture the tour without him,” said countertenor Liam Pizzaforetto. “Such a sweetheart. He may not lift any equipment, but he lifts something far more important: our spirits.”

Recently retired Roadie Hall of Fame member, and friend to Mr. Luske, Lucian Whittiker is far less sympathetic.

“I was the only roadie for a 25-piece symphonic metal band for the past twelve years of my life, so you can understand my seething jealousy toward the guy. I’d be loading in my third synthesizer bank and he’d be blowing up our group chat saying how he was on his third re-read of Ulysses,” said Whittiker. “It’s all just envy though, like I said. If it were me, I’d be wanting to ride that gravy train as long as I could, too.”

At press time, it was reported that Mr. Luske was unable to hold open a door as the group entered a venue due to his muscles atrophying completely from inactivity.

Finally! After Years of Harassing Them To Get Back Together, Title Fight Reunited To Serve Us a Restraining Order

Title Fight was one of the greatest emo bands of the 2010s before they disappeared off the face of the Earth in 2018. It’s not that we don’t know their whereabouts. Thanks to the power of doxxing, public records searches, and questionable journalism ethics, we’ve spent years tracking each member’s every move. Now it’s finally paid off with the full band making their first public appearance in years to serve us a restraining order!

We typically prefer a barricade spot in front of the stage over an uncomfortable bench in a courtroom, but we can’t complain considering the intimate setting of this reunion.

Over the past few years, we’ve displayed “Love Actually” style cue cards reading “Any updates on Title Fight?” outside each of their homes, waited outside the men’s room at Jamie Rhoden’s favorite sports bar, and even cornered Ned Russin at a few of his Glitterer shows to ask the age-old question of when Title Fight will make its grand return.

After years of dodging the question with cowardly responses like “How did you get my address?” and “Please don’t talk to me at the urinal,” the members of Title Fight finally gave us a clear answer in the court of law. As the fine print on their protective order banning us from “all future performances” reveals, Title Fight is back! It just sucks that we’re legally prohibited from attending any of the inevitable reunion shows that will surely follow this court date. At least we got their autographs on all of the documents to commemorate our hard work.

Still, this testimony alone was well worth the wait. Title Fight’s new sound is fantastic! You can hear the rage in Ned’s voice when he says, “Leave me, my family, and my friends alone.” We haven’t heard that kind of raw, emotional songwriting since “Floral Green.”

This says so much about the power of investigative music journalism. Say what you will about our methods, but how else would we bring Title Fight back together?

Desperate Kevin McCarthy Agrees to Two Over-the-Pants Handjobs in Exchange for House Speaker Votes in His Favor

WASHINGTON — Embattled Rep. Kevin McCarthy offered Republican colleagues two over-the-pants handjobs, redeemable at any time within his term, if they agree to vote for him in the ongoing Speaker of the House race, multiple intrigued sources confirmed.

“These past few days have been difficult for everyone, but democracy is difficult,” said Rep. McCarthy, R-CA 20th District. “I want all the other Republicans in this chamber to know I will represent them, their constituents, and I’ll jerk them off to completion using my right hand over their slacks. And for all the Republican women I’m offering them the chance to do the same act to me, I assume they have all been wanting to do it for years. This is their chance to finally get a piece.”

Democrats admit they are not surprised by the lengths of Rep. McCarthy’s desperation.

“This is a position Rep. McCarthy has been coveting for over a decade, and now it’s all falling apart. There are some Democrats that would be willing to vote his way, but he has not yet reached across the aisle and offered any of us handjobs of any variety,” said Rep. Sean Casten, D-IL 6th District. “He’s lost the vote seven times already, so he needs to start making concessions to the left as well. If he offered to finger or jerk off people on the left then he would easily sure up the votes. We love cumming just as much as anyone else and it would be an honor to bust all over the House floor.”

Far-right political pundits say the handjob offers are not enough and their representatives should keep holding out.

“Over-the-pants handjobs are the absolute lowest form of sexual gratification. These people aren’t kids at summer camp, they are adult lawmakers who deserve sloppy oral with the promise of light rimming,” said TruthBang host Clive Wilson. “If Rep. McCarthy is serious about wanting this job then he needs to get down on his knees and test his gag reflex. America is a country full of people who love receiving oral, and that is well reflected in our elected representatives.”

At press time, Rep. McCarthy is expected to sweeten the deal by letting colleagues extinguish cigars on his nipples while he performs the handjobs.

Just Because My Last Piercing Never Healed Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Get Another One

I got my ear lobes pierced about seven months ago. The left one is still kinda swollen, crusty, and bleeds every night. And honestly, the right one isn’t doing much better. But does that mean I should wait another second before I get my next piercing? Hell no!

How a piercing heals is 99% luck. There is basically nothing you can do to ensure a piercing doesn’t get infected. Believe me, I looked into it briefly. Someone should consider creating something that helps with that. God my ears are sore.

At the same time, it’s not like I didn’t take any precautions. I rubbed a powerful charged moldavite crystal on my ears for like two hours before going to a reputable piercer (Claire’s). Then I waited a whole week before swimming in freshwater ponds. Plus, I didn’t change my jewelry for an entire 48 hours after getting pierced. It took a lot of willpower to keep those boring “hypoallergenic” titanium studs the lame piercer put in my ears for two whole days. I switched them out for cool nickel-based dangly crosses I bought at Hot Topic. Sure, they made my lobes throb and ache and ooze, but I got a lot of compliments on them. That’s what piercings are all about.

For my next one, I’m thinking of something big. Something that will take my mind off the constant pain I feel each day in my red-hot lobes. Perhaps one of those industrial piercings that’s like a bar through the top of the ear. Cartilage can’t get infected, right?

Maybe I could get a dermal piercing on my forehead right between my eyes. My buddy Chunk said he watched a Youtube video on how to do that at home with just a safety pin, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and a mini-screw from a glasses repair kit. He said he would only charge me a pack of Parliaments. It’ll look so good with the stick-n-poke neck tattoo I just got done at the gas station. Hopefully, it won’t itch as much.

Sure Maybe if My Parents Hadn’t Named Me ‘Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman’ I Wouldn’t Have Become a Daredevil but Such Is Life

At some point in everyone’s life, they stop and reflect on how things may have gone differently. Should I have gone on that date? What if I hadn’t missed that train? Where would I be had I not failed high school? For me, that question is: What if my full legal name wasn’t Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman?

As I lay here in this hospital bed in a full-body cast, having broken almost every bone in my body, I’ve had a lot of time to think. Would I even be here if my father wasn’t a failed stuntman and had just named me Michael? I guess I’ll never know. One must accept the hand that fate deals and, for me, it was being trained to jump over neighborhood children on a minibike before I could even walk.

But what’s in a name? I could have been “Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman, Attorney at Law” if I wasn’t forced to spend my youth doing loop-de-loops inside a flaming steel cage. Or “Dr. Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman” had I gone to college instead of trying to break Robbie Maddieson’s 346-foot world record.

Had I been named John or Peter, perhaps I wouldn’t have a crushed pelvis and have to pee out of this tube on my side. Sure, my father would probably still have forced me to base jump from the upper atmosphere without a parachute, but maybe I wouldn’t have felt so inclined to do it had I not had the words “Maniac” and “Madman” on both my birth certificate and my leather jacket.

I could legally change my name and sign the court documents if someone put a pen in my mouth, but I can’t help but think this all happened for a reason.

Thigh-High Chucks Unlaced Just in Time to Go Out Again

BALTIMORE – A pair of thigh-high Chuck Taylors owned by local woman Heidi Sanders were finally removed just moments before she was set to head back out on the town, justifiably impatient sources confirmed.

“I think people are blowing it out of proportion,” said Sanders, setting a timer on her phone for three hours. “I work my lacing between other household tasks, and I have it down to a science: get home, untie the top lace, start cooking, fold the laundry, pay my bills, practice guitar, check on the food, slip off the first shoe, and so on. It’s a process, but totally worth it if you’re good at multitasking. I get compliments on these bad boys all the time, so they’re here to stay, even if they completely rule my entire schedule.”

Sanders’ roommate Craig Peters recalls simpler times, before the thigh-highs were brought into rotation.

“I just leave her behind now because she takes fucking forever to get situated,” said Peters as he patiently sharpened a pair of scissors to take care of the laces once and for all. “I wanted to go to a show down the street, and when I was ready to leave, she was laying on her back with her legs in the air like a sloth trying to take a shit. I didn’t want to wait all night, so I just left. When I got back from the show, she was just getting started on the second shoe. I don’t even think she realized I was gone.”

Footwear expert Bryce Otto offered a practical solution to the tedious conundrum.

“Listen, thigh-highs are inherently hot, nearly without exception, so we must tread lightly. We don’t want to rule them out entirely, but these massive Chuck Taylors are an animal of their own breed,” said Otto. “I’ve seen hundreds succumb to their allure and then never recover from the massive toll the lacing process takes on their psyche. Either get a version that zips up from the back, or just paint your legs to look like you’re wearing them. Most people won’t even notice from a distance.”

At press time, Sanders was spotted trying on button-fly denim rompers.

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