If AI Art is So Immoral, Why Won’t it Make Me More Scooby Doo Hentai?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Lately, there’s been a lot of discussion about the ethics of AI-generated art. Since resources like DALL-E and NightCafe generate their images from databases without the consent of the original artists, some consider the images to be stolen. Well for something so “unethical” these so-called “art generators” sure have a lot of hangups when it comes to making me Scooby Doo porn!

Oh, so it’s cool to take food out of artists’ mouths, but helping me get my rocks off is a “violation of standards?” Seems highly fucking hypocritical to me, a guy with an abnormal sexual predilection for Hanna Barbara cartoon characters.

I’m not asking for the world here. “Big. Tiddy. Velma.” A child could draw that.

Doesn’t seem too immoral to me. Seems fairly prude actually. Seems like maybe AI art could stand to loosen the fuck up and not judge me maybe.

I know what you’re thinking, “Rule 34 of the internet,” right? “Surely pornographic images of the Scooby gang already exist.” Yeah, they do. Guess what? I burned through them all, OKAY?! I need MORE now.

While we’re on the rule 34 subject I would like to point out that there are whole sections of the Scoobiverse that have yet to be touched by perverts. There’s an entire season of “The 13 Ghost of Scooby Doo” but I’ve never seen cartoon Vincent Price getting it on with Scrappy. In 1972 the gang met the Harlem Globe trotters, let’s get them into the mix! What about Don Knotts? That’s right, I wanna see the cast of Scooby Doo have sex with Don Knotts. Don’t kink shame me, we have the technology!

It’s clear to me that things cannot continue the way they are going. AI art generators need to either commit to an ethical standard that compensates artists or, more preferably, shed the thin veneer of morality entirely and let me see once and for all what an orgy between the Scooby gang and the Herculoids would actually look like.

Retired Tour Van Enjoying Life as Holiday Inn Airport Shuttle

Posted on by Sara Mellas

ATLANTA — A 1996 Ford Econoline E-150 is spending its retirement transporting guests of the Holiday Inn safely to and from Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport after a successful 20-year career as a national tour van for various punk, ska, and post-punk bands, various part-time shuttle drivers confirm.

“I spent two decades getting driven around North America by kids in bands, chasing after their musical dreams. Sure, they were punks, but they were my punks. I loved the lifestyle—every day something new, the long days and late nights. Through good times and bad, I was always there for the kids. Unless I got stolen, which happened a couple times,” said the cargo vehicle, while parked outside the hotel entrance. “Anyways, after my last band got signed to a major label and moved up to a tour bus, I decided it was time for me to retire. I’ve got 193,000 miles on me and have had more windshield replacements than I can count, but I’ll be damned if I just sit idle in a parking lot. I’m glad to be staying active in my later years.”

A fellow member of the Ford E-Series who drove on many of the same tours is also looking to retire soon.

“I’ve known that motorized legend for years and have always admired him. He was a great mentor to me when I was just starting out,” said the tour van en route to kick off a Midwest tour. “I’m a 2002 so I’ve still got a couple more tours in me before I call it quits, but I’m looking forward to settling down on a less demanding job. I thought about maybe getting a gig as an UberXL or becoming part of the Amazon delivery fleet, but I’ve heard both have lots of odd hours and just kind of suck. Airport shuttling seems like a nice way to serve the public while maintaining a good quality of life.”

Local auto mechanic Mo Jones, owner of Big Mo’s Big Cars, believed this van was not like any other.

“I’ve worked on thousands of large vehicles in my day, and hardly any make it to the age and mileage that this Holiday Inn van is at,” said Jones. “Especially considering how many times it was backed into dumpsters or smashed into walls while trying to fit behind a venue to unload, it’s amazing this rig still drives so well. Guess it just goes to show what staying on top of routine maintenance will do for longevity.”

At press time, the airport shuttle stated that while it expects to have a few more good years left, when its day comes to cross the rainbow highway, it has arranged to have its parts donated to a local trade school for education and research purposes.

5 Reasons To Stop Believing in Astrology and Start Believing That the Sky Resembles a Backlit Canopy With Holes Punched In It

Posted on by Ryan Casey

Astrology is bullshit. Anyone with a drop of common sense can see that. College stoner bros like me are into way deeper, more science-y spiritual beliefs. It’s obvious that the stars and our birth month have no impact on our daily lives. The sky is not the driving force in our lives. The sky is clearly a backlit canopy with holes punched in it.

Here’s why you should dump your toxic spiritual worldview in favor of one based more around smoking weed on the beach while ripping off Pink Floyd:

It’s a hell of a lot easier than learning about astrology
What would you rather do: Read a bunch of stuff written by privileged pseudoscience pushers, or do you want to light up a blunt, feel your toes dig into the sand, and stargaze while thinking about aliens or whatever for three and a half minutes? Much like our lord and savior Brandon Boyd,

It’s less embarrassing
Seriously, are you really going to admit that you believe the moon and the stars dictate the future? Come on, now! You’ll look much cooler at parties telling the ladies about your new-age philosophy that you based around a song from 2002.

Dude, just look at it
The sky is clearly a backlit canopy with fucking holes punched in it. What is so hard to understand?

But, like, what if it really is?
Astrology people are so dogmatic. They believe so strongly in their bullshit that it’s starting to fuck up my vibe. Holepunch-canopy people like myself are much more willing to admit we may not know everything. Our beliefs are based in S.C.I.E.N.C.E. But what if we’re right? That would be crazy, dude. Woah.

No one will question your beliefs
They likely won’t ever bring up spirituality again. Or talk to you at all, honestly.

Album “Lacks Cohesion” Reports Woman Who Always Forgets to Turn Off Shuffle

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – A new album by melodic metal band Die Versity was described as “intriguing but unfocused,” by Rachel Pompey, a music fan with a tendency to accidentally leave the shuffle function on, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“People kept talking about how amazing this album supposedly is, and there are some really good songs on it for sure,” said Pompey, somewhat self-righteously. “But it has some serious pacing problems. Like, it opens with this short piano ballad that sounds like a reprise of this grandiose 8-minute track that comes immediately after. And then track three feels like it was supposed to be the opener since it starts with this drum roll that gradually gets louder before the guitars come in. If they were trying something different with the sequencing, it didn’t work.”

Jacquelyn Blois, a friend of Pompey’s who recommended the album, says this is a frustratingly common occurrence.

“I remember talking to Rachel after she listened to ‘The Velvet Underground & Nico’ for the first time and she said she didn’t get why they started with ‘Run, Run, Run’ when ‘Sunday Morning’ would’ve worked way better,” said a beleaguered Blois. “I explained what happened to her and she understood, but then a few days later she said how ‘Only Shallow’ was her new favorite closing track of all time, so I just stopped bringing it up and hoped she would figure it out on her own.”

Danette Neale, a musicologist and professor at Berklee College of Music, says “accidental album shuffle” is an issue that has become increasingly common for modern music consumers.

“Back when people exclusively listened to albums on physical media, there was pretty much no chance for confusion about what the track order was,” said Neale while flipping through their vintage LP collection. “But now, you could be more than halfway through an album before you even realize something is wrong. And then you have to decide if you want to start over right there or just try again later. As if streaming hadn’t ruined things enough.”

At press time, Pompey mentioned how a novel she recently picked back up after a four-month break had a totally muddled plot.

All Members of Trivia Team Only Experts in Power Metal

Posted on by Matt Grimminck

MILWAUKEE – Local trivia team “Ethereal Pursuit” developed a reputation as an easy crew to beat within the local bar trivia scene due to the fact their collective expertise only covers power metal music, confirmed sources well versed in sports and pop culture.

“They came into McFaddy’s with this aura of confidence you don’t normally find with an average team. Usually when a guy comes in wearing a kilt you know he means business so we totally thought they’d clobber everyone. They just look like the type of dudes that never leave their house,” said Trivia Host Brent Fodder. “Aside from the burly bald guy with a beard, they all tie their long, flowing air back. They’re all well-spoken. And they all tuck their HammerFall t-shirts into their jeans. But they had no clue that Ross was Monica’s brother or that ‘The Simpsons’ live on Evergreen Terrace.”

McFaddy’s patrons have welcomed the group to its weekly trivia night because it automatically moved them up in the standings.

“The loud guys are nice. Intense but nice. We thought it was weird that they instantly thought Kramer meant the guitar brand and not Seinfeld’s neighbor,” said fellow Trivia player Jackie Janney. “They couldn’t even get questions right about topics that were close to power metal. Aren’t all power metal songs glorified Tolkien references anyway? They screwed up every question about ‘Game of Thrones,’ which is weird because they all look like members of the House Targaryen. There was even a question about Iron Maiden that seemed tailored for them to answer, but I guess Maiden is a slightly different genre in the weird world of metal.”

Members of “Ethereal Pursuit” remain undaunted by their consistent failure to answer a single question.

“We ride into battle every week, wits as sharp as our axes, proud to claim glory for our kinfolk,” said team leader Marcus St. Mark as he drank a sip of his Meade. “I have a feeling they’ll be asking about 1980s Iced Earth albums or the lyrical themes contained inside Sonata Arctica songs any time now. We’re forging our irons, readying ourselves for battle, but these fools need to stop asking questions about this Dunder Mifflin place!”

At press time, McFaddy’s Trivia Judges decided to throw Ethereal Pursuit a bone by asking questions a series of questions about leather vests, flying v guitars, and Manowar album art.

Poser Alert: These Two Shoegaze Guitarists Made Eye Contact

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Everyone knows that the best shoegaze acts have the worst social skills. Any moment a band uses to speak to the audience, interact with the crowd, or exude the faintest hint of charisma wastes time that could be spent staring at pedals. There should be no place for physical touch or social interaction at shows, lest one foolish musician disturbs another’s setup.

Well, apparently a couple of posers have snuck into the scene because last night the lead guitarist of The Contretemps had the audacity to exchange eye contact with the rhythm guitarist during their set tonight. Worse, the recipient of this advance looked up from his pedals to reciprocate said eye contact and smile at his bandmate!

These guys don’t even respect their own equipment. Social interaction aside, pedals are really expensive. Why spend hundreds of dollars on the best ones only to spend an entire set staring at your bandmate who gets paid in pizza instead?

I tried to give The Contretemps the benefit of the doubt and enjoy the rest of my night. After all, I didn’t pay a $15 cover charge just to storm out of this show in anger. But I also don’t want to stand idly while the core tenet of shoegaze is violated by charismatic musicians who laugh at each other’s jokes and interact with the crowd.

Worst of all, The Contretemps aren’t the only posers on tonight’s lineup! Another so-called shoegaze act just approached them on their way to the bar and spoke directly to them to congratulate them on a great set. It’s one thing to make eye contact with another shoegaze act, but losing focus on pedals to lie to fellow musicians is even worse.

Any “shoegaze band” with charisma is just a psychedelic rock act in disguise at best. If The Contretemps were popular enough to have a Wikipedia page, I would edit it right now to change their genre classification.

Review: Stretch Arm Strong “Rituals of Life”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week, The Hard Times looks back on a classic album. This week we took a look back on Stretch Arm Strong’s “Rituals of Life” because that’s what the programmers at the indoctrination center told us to do.

Shit! Did we say “indoctrination center?” We meant to say International Headquarters of The Wise and Benevolent Big Boys Society, where there is no indoctrination and we are of our own free will totally not being programmed with electric shocks to the genitals.

Now that that’s straightened out, let us tell you a little about the album and how it is directly related to us becoming an eternal badass when pairing it with the teachings of the TWBBBS.

The album was released back in the year 1999 B.C. and was worshiped by the ancient Babylonians as they believed it would bring about the second coming of Christ. Of course today we know, with the benefit of time to study the ancient lyric sheets, the album actually intends to bring about the third coming of shapeshifting snake charmer known by the moniker Mr. God.

Additionally, the Big Boys Society has keyed us into several other aspects of the album which we can use to prepare ourselves for Mr. God’s return – right after we gave them our life savings that is.

Several tracks on the album include direct references to the Tombs of Gilgamesh, which can be interesting in a number of ways – but TWBBBS believes this is a directive that we, the loyal followers of Mr. God, are supposed to blow up the Chrysler Building and steal the precious metal contained within before his arrival as an offering to his hardcoreness.

See, it all makes perfect sense. All you have to do is listen to the album and you too can have achieved this level of clarity. Also, we’re gonna need four hundred and eighty thousand dollars.

SCORE: 10 out of 10 wait, what in the fuck do you mean this is a deprogramming?!

 

“Never Meant” Tab Closed Immediately After Reading Tuning

Posted on by Matt McInerney

INDIANAPOLIS — Local amateur guitarist Bryant Stafford reportedly slammed his laptop shut after merely glancing at the non-standard tuning of American Football’s “Never Meant” tablature, confirmed unsurprised roommates.

“There I was, playing the tab in standard, but it sounded so wrong. I tried a few more times before I finally scrolled up to investigate. And that’s when I saw it,” said Stafford as a horrified look washed over his face. “Right at the top: FACGCE. It didn’t even look like a real tuning! Like, sure, Drop D, I can do. Maybe even a half step down for a Dashboard cover. But holy fucking shit. One string is a half step up, one is a half step down, and one is a full step down. What is this, mathcore?”

While Stafford suffered for just moments, American Football guitarist Mike Kinsella has had to live with this nightmare for years.

“Look, I messed up, okay? I used to try to bullshit my way through this when I was younger and pretend I did it all on purpose,” said Kinsella wincing at the thought. “But I just have to come clean: At the time, I was sure I could tune by ear. I never even had a tuner pedal on my board. I just sang what I believed to be an E and took it from there. This was right when we were recording that album. We were kids with no money. So once the track was laid down, and we realized maybe something was off, we couldn’t afford more studio time. There was no going back.”

Atreus Walsh, a local guitar teacher, has tried talking students out of weird-ass tunings for years to no avail.

“We all experiment with atypical tunings when we’re young. Sometimes it’s because you don’t know any better. Sometimes you’re trying to impress your friends. But you just hope, as you grow older, you gain a little sense and come back to something a little more standard,” said Walsh. “I mean, I never win that battle, but at least it’s fun seeing the kids struggle. Especially their first encounter with FACGCE. Because it reads exactly like the noises they make when they see the tuning: ‘FACK! God! Christ! Eeek!'”

At press time, Stafford was seen shutting down his laptop entirely and stuffing his guitar in the back of his closet after slowly coming to the realization that all of his favorite midwest emo bands had abnormal tunings.

Photo by Jason USA of Chibson.

Wrestling Fan Expected More From First Poetry Slam

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

DENTON, Texas — Lifelong wrestling enthusiast Ryland Reeves reportedly attended a poetry slam at Circe Coffee under the assumption that it was a match, sources with septum piercings confirmed.

“Circe is a lot smaller than my local gym, so I figured they just didn’t have room for a proper ring,” Reeves said while sipping a lavender oat milk latte. “The dyed hair and combat boots didn’t phase me either because I see that stuff all the time on the WWE network. I didn’t realize anything was wrong until some blue-haired kid took the stage with a ukulele and played the saddest Phoebe Bridgers cover I’ve heard in my life. Even if her strumming had been in tune, ‘Chinese Satellite’ is terrible entrance music.”

Circe Coffee barista Emma Durnin recounted Reeves’ bizarre behavior at the event.

“Most poetry slam attendees snap their fingers or gently applaud if they really dig a performance, but this guy screamed and cheered like he was at a cage match,” Durnin said in between readings. “He even brought a giant homemade sign that said ‘SLAUGHTER HIM’ and blocked everybody’s view of our drink menu. Still, his attendance makes this slam one of our most profitable events in years. He spent $50 on T-shirts and coffee grounds from our merch line in between performances. That kind of support means a lot.”

Denton Poetry Society president Libby Boone, who organized the event at Circe, noted that her vague definition of the group’s events often boosts attendance.

“When I first started inviting people to our monthly music and poetry nights at Circe, people mocked us, but advertising them as ‘slams’ entices new attendees to show up,” Boone admitted while typing her latest poem in her phone’s Notes app. “Last month, some metalheads came expecting a circle pit and left with a newfound appreciation for the art of the spoken word. Recruiting this guy proves that deception works on all kinds of people. It just depends on whether we hang flyers at Planet Fitness or scatter them near record stores.”

At press time, Reeves was seen entering a local Denny’s in hopes of witnessing a grander slam.

Help! I Tried Drinking Non-alcoholic Beer but That Only Fueled My Cravings for the Sweet, Forbidden Nectar of My One True God

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Oh lord, what have I done? I detoxed, got into therapy, and resisted my triggers. I thought I could at least enjoy one non-alcoholic beer. Alas, the moment that sweet amber liquid hit my lips, the alluring pull of my one true God brought me to my knees. Not in prayer, but in worship of the forbidden nectar I’ve been craving.

It’s the beer company’s fault. The last thing you should do is ask a recovering alcoholic to hold your drink because it reminds them of drinking and can trigger a relapse. So who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to go around selling a trigger in a bottle to recovering alcoholics?!

Seriously, these beer companies must have done this on purpose. I used to wonder why people even made non-alcoholic beer. Now it’s clear to me. Non-alcoholic beer exists to remind people how much they love alcoholic beer. And we should start calling it “alcoholic beer” because it’s really the beer’s fault when you think about it. I don’t have a problem. It’s the beer that’s an alcoholic.

I’m doing everything I can to not go to the store and get some of the real stuff. The taste reminds me of fun. The smell reminds me of partying. Plus, there are no hangovers! You’d think that’d be a good thing, but this is all just non-alcoholic beer’s plan to only remind me of the good times I shared with alcohol. It’s just like my drunk ex.

I just keep drinking non-alcoholic beer to stave off the cravings. The worst part is now I’m spending more money on fake booze just to stop myself from relapsing. I’m about to start sucking dick for O’Douls at this point.

I tried calling my sponsor but he’s hooked on the same stuff I am!

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.