BALTIMORE – A pair of thigh-high Chuck Taylors owned by local woman Heidi Sanders were finally removed just moments before she was set to head back out on the town, justifiably impatient sources confirmed.
“I think people are blowing it out of proportion,” said Sanders, setting a timer on her phone for three hours. “I work my lacing between other household tasks, and I have it down to a science: get home, untie the top lace, start cooking, fold the laundry, pay my bills, practice guitar, check on the food, slip off the first shoe, and so on. It’s a process, but totally worth it if you’re good at multitasking. I get compliments on these bad boys all the time, so they’re here to stay, even if they completely rule my entire schedule.”
Sanders’ roommate Craig Peters recalls simpler times, before the thigh-highs were brought into rotation.
“I just leave her behind now because she takes fucking forever to get situated,” said Peters as he patiently sharpened a pair of scissors to take care of the laces once and for all. “I wanted to go to a show down the street, and when I was ready to leave, she was laying on her back with her legs in the air like a sloth trying to take a shit. I didn’t want to wait all night, so I just left. When I got back from the show, she was just getting started on the second shoe. I don’t even think she realized I was gone.”
Footwear expert Bryce Otto offered a practical solution to the tedious conundrum.
“Listen, thigh-highs are inherently hot, nearly without exception, so we must tread lightly. We don’t want to rule them out entirely, but these massive Chuck Taylors are an animal of their own breed,” said Otto. “I’ve seen hundreds succumb to their allure and then never recover from the massive toll the lacing process takes on their psyche. Either get a version that zips up from the back, or just paint your legs to look like you’re wearing them. Most people won’t even notice from a distance.”
At press time, Sanders was spotted trying on button-fly denim rompers.