Andrew Keith Spaulding, Author at HARDTIMES

5 Pieces Of Merch In Your Date’s Bedroom That Make It Pretty Clear You Aren’t Going To Cum

Posted on June 3, 2022 by Zach Hudson

You’re having a really good time on your date with the cute guy you met at the punk flea market. He’s charming, funny, and you’re oddly super into his blown out earlobes. You bonded over your shared love of television, burritos, and meme accounts. It’s getting late, and you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. He invites you back to his place, an offer you had been eagerly awaiting.

If you’re planning to sleep with him though, it’s best to abandon any hope of reaching orgasm now. The signs that sex with this loverboy is mediocre at best are loudly and proudly displayed all over his bedroom. Here are his top 5 pieces of merch that surely indicate you’re about to Uber home unsatisfied.

The Story So Far wall flag
It’s safe to say that a man who knows every word to every song on Under Soil and Dirt is indifferent, or at best ignorant towards his partner’s sexual pleasure. To add insult to injury, it’s hung above the bed for some reason. At least you’ll have something to look at during what is bound to be some very boring missionary.

Hot Mulligan hoody
You aren’t going to achieve orgasm, but he will, and probably very quickly. One can only hope the sex doesn’t last as long as one of this band’s songs. It likely won’t. Will he cry after? He might cry after.There are just some things you can’t change, like the color of your eyes, or this man.

Brand New ‘Deja Entendu’ poster
Pretty self explanatory, might as well order that ride now.

Man Overboard beanie
Forget about pop punk, defend your time and dignity and just leave. This dude is obviously still nostalgic for 2010, and even though he’s had 12 years to develop better taste, and find the clitoris, it’s clear he hasn’t done either of those things. Real Talk, this is undoubtedly a harbinger of some really bad intercourse

The Front Bottoms vinyl
He didn’t ask you what you wanted to listen to, he just put it on. Coincidently, he has a twin size mattress (on the floor of course). The cheap Crosley isn’t going to do this record any favors either. To top it all off, you’ll forever be associated with Talon of the Hawk to him, which is a legacy you really don’t want to have.

Infighting Delays Dykes on Bikes Ride Another Hour

Posted on June 3, 2022 by Amanda Russel

PORTLAND, Ore. — The annual Dykes on Bikes Ride, a beloved Pride event, has been gathered at its starting point a total of six hours while group infighting continued its back and forth, remaining at an unresolved stalemate.

“They’re not fights so much as conversations that need to be had, like, right fuckin’ now, before we can proceed with this ride,” ride leader Angie C. stated. “Tebo here and I need to process some unresolved conflict from the other night at the bar. Over there, they need to clear the air about Nina’s boundaries for their poly arrangement being overstepped, or they won’t ride next to each other. And Liz and Tina can’t agree on a joint dog custody arrangement since they consciously uncoupled. So yeah, like I said, these are obviously things we need to work through to move forward and do the ride as a unified group.”

Irritated with the slew of conversations happening was new recruit, Joey Dunlap, who was visibly frustrated as she paced around her bike that had long since been turned off once she realized the ride wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

“This is my first year and I had no idea it would be this bad.” she huffed. “I know they get a slow start sometimes, but Jesus fucking Christ. I honestly joined to impress the hot femmes that come out for Pride and hopefully, maybe, I don’t know, get laid, but so far I don’t think that’s gonna happen. I don’t know what the fuckin’ hold up is.”

A flustered and furious Wesley Brighton, a volunteer heading the committee in charge of Pride events, divulged an insider Pride-running tip.

“This is exactly why we told them to be here five hours before we actually needed them here and ready,” Brighton explained. “We figured, give them some extra time to process their shit and it would all even out. Six hours later and we’re still waiting and once again the schedule gets held up. We tell them one hour earlier every year, and it just gets worse every year.”

Among those who refused to comment on the situation were a pair near the back of the group, who had been screaming at each other for the past several hours before making out furiously on the seat of one of the ladies’ bikes.

The Next Fleetwood Mac? This Couple Stays Together Even Though They Shouldn’t

Posted on June 3, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Fleetwood Mac is one of the great bands of the rock pantheon, with hit after hit after hit stretching all the way from the 1970s to nostalgia for the 1970s. Beginning as one of Great Britain’s premier blues rock bands, they morphed into an acclaimed yet troubled pop-rock group, just as Tim Huffman and Tami Skinner have transformed from a cute couple to a living nightmare for their friends and family, yet refuse to break up.

But the stylistic changes of the group behind Rumours aren’t the only thing that makes Tim and Tami their artistic heirs. Let’s break it down:

Infidelities:
This is a big one! The various sexual acts famously committed outside of established relationships by Lindsey Buckingham, Stevie Nicks, Christine McVie, John McVie, and probably Mick Fleetwood are definitely the template for Tim and Tami who have never acknowledged their various drunken hookups to each other. “Dreams” anyone?

Creative Conflicts:
After the enormous commercial and critical success of 1977’s Rumours, Fleetwood Mac began to splinter in terms of creative vision, just as Tim and Tami’s awesome Hawaii vacation in 2014 led to unspoken expectations of how they could ever replicate it and then to a weird bitterness that makes everyone just think they need to call it a day.

Amazing Solos:
Lindsey Buckingham’s iconic guitar solo on “Gypsy” takes two guitarists to replicate in live performances, just like the time Tim and Tami got into a fight and they spiraled out individually so hard their moms had to call each other to call things down! We would say they make loving fun, but they really don’t, and also Christine McVie wrote that song.

Tusk:
Fleetwood Mac’s 1979 album is considered both a high point in terms of the band’s experimentalism and a low in their interpersonal relationships, just like the time Tami got wasted at the San Diego Natural History Museum and stabbed Tim with a narwhal tusk when he kept checking out their tour guide.

At the end of the day, just like Fleetwood Mac, Tim and Tami should have called it quits long ago! But if anyone is going to pick up the torch of dysfunction and use it to threaten someone because they didn’t respect them enough and yet can’t see how terrible it is that they keep doing this, it’s Tim and Tami!

Fuck Marry Kill: You Can Do Any Of These To Me

Posted on June 2, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

You know what’s a fun way to pass the time? The classic old conversation game of Fuck Marry Kill! You know how it works, everyone goes around in a circle and has to decide whether they would fuck, marry, or kill a wacky group of individuals. Like, would you fuck Barney Rubble, marry Mr. Slate, and kill Dino? Wild!

However, I don’t really have anything going on right now and I will let you know right now that any choice you make regarding me is totally fine. Fuck me, marry me, kill me, I am literally and equally fine with any of them.

Seriously, you can do whatever. It’s cool.

I used to be the kind of person that had strong opinions about whether I was going to have sex or be murdered or even be in a supportive and loving marriage for the rest of my life. I acted like it was the biggest deal in the world when someone got in the old sex Plymouth with me and took a drive around the fuck-block. But the older I get, the more I realize we force ourselves to make artificial choices as though we had any choice over our destinies.

You see, it is ultimately not you who will fuck, marry, or kill me. It’s just fate.

Ever since that day when I was left at the altar by my former fiance Helen, the love of my life, then had sex with an individual whose name I am pretty sure was Meridoc in the restroom of the Dave & Buster’s nearest to that fateful white sand beach in Key West, and then was legally dead for nearly four minutes after striking my head on a turtle, I realized there is really not too much difference between all of those experiences.

All of those things helped me become the person I am today, and I value them equally. Even the turtle.

Since then, I’ve lived my life in freedom, always offering anybody I meet the opportunity to have two minutes of pleasure with me, complete the surprisingly bureaucratic process of matrimonial paperwork, or watch the light fade from my eyes with their white-knuckled hands around my throat. I could not be happier with the choices I allow others to make. And I could not care less which of them it is.

So what’s it going to be, friend?

Dishwasher Also Dish Cabinet

Posted on June 2, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

PITTSBURGH — A breakthrough in domestic living was achieved this week at a three-bedroom Allentown apartment, where through some astute analysis, rationalizing, and careful rebranding, residents converted the unit’s dishwasher into a dish cabinet.

“I was stoked to finally move into a place with a dishwasher, because washing by hand is the absolute worst,” said resident David McPherson. “And it gets them spotless, but you still have to unload everything, which is a total pain in the ass. And like, most of it isn’t even mine. So, I figured it’d be way easier if we just pulled plates and whatnot out of the dishwasher whenever we needed them.”

Fellow resident Aimee Berdan said she was initially skeptical of McPherson’s proposal but soon realized the time-saving advantages of the “Washer-Cabinet Initiative.”

“Our cabinets are really big, and it felt pretty weird to not have anything in them except a couple boxes of cereal and a half-empty bottle of Crown Royal,” Berdan said, “But Dave made a good point about how long it takes to unload the dishwasher. Like, we ran in on Tuesday night and it was still full the next morning. It’s way easier this way. I just wish I wasn’t the only one who remembered to actually run it.”

Experts believe this development could lead to further breakthroughs in both renters and homeowners alike realizing greater potential from their appliances.

“While the dishwasher might have seemed like a miracle of convenience when it was first introduced, its design failed to account for the universal truth that unloading is an exhausting, tedious task,” said consumer products expert James Schafer. “For decades, people have been beset by the cruel irony of their dishwasher betraying them when they need it the most. But these sharp minds have learned to work with their dishwasher, not against it. And in the process, they may very well have started a revolution, one which will save us perhaps dozens of hours every year.”

Unavailable for comment was third resident Shelby Graham, a staunch advocate of exclusively using the sink and the area underneath her bed for dish storage.

Oh, You’re An R.E.M Fan? Name Three Over The Counter Supplements For Joint Pain

Posted on June 2, 2022 by Dan Rice

Oh really you’re a “big fan” of R.E.M? Forgive me for seeming incredulous, but your poser ass doesn’t fit the bill.

Maybe you caught a glimpse of the “Loosing My Religion” video mommy and daddy were watching when you were young and the old angel guy (based on “A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings” by Gabriel García Márquez, not that you knew,) freaked you out and fascinated you. But that doesn’t make you a fan. What makes you an R.E.M fan is age-induced joint pain.

So how about it poser? Can you name three supplements that help with the pain you feel getting out of bed every morning now? I thought not.

Have you even listened to Chronic Town? Do you even drink Sleepy Time tea? Pffft, fuck outta here.

Glucosamine, okay, that’s one. Everyone knows that one though, come on. Glucosamine is basically the “It’s The End of The World as We Know It” of over the counter joint pain supplements. You probably just heard about it in some TV show like “The OC” or whatever the fuck is on now.

You’re gonna have to prove yourself more if you wanna go around calling yourself a fan of R.E.M. Come on dude, name one song off of “Monster” besides “What’s The Frequency Kenneth?” Name three phone numbers you know by heart. Show me your AARP card, something!

Oh, you own the original cut of “Radio Free Europe” on vinyl? Big deal. Where is the ziploc baggie of snacks you carry around in case your blood sugar gets too low? What’s your mildly cringy at best take on critical race theory? Why do you smile like you’ve never gone through a divorce? You say you’re an R.E.M fan, but you’re just too green. And no, not 1988’s “Green” featuring such hits as “Stand” and “Orange Crush,” and no you don’t get points for having that right in the chamber.

Now, are you gonna help me cross this street or not?

Drunk Friend Somehow Makes It Past Three Separate Locked Doors To Vomit On Stack of Freshly Laundered Clothes

Posted on June 2, 2022 by James Knapp

MORGANTOWN, W.V. — Self-proclaimed party animal Derek Plomchock astounded friends and roommates by somehow surpassing three sturdily locked doors and projectile vomiting into a laundry basket of pristinely folded clothes, confirmed impressed but pissed-off sources.

“Those clothes were still warm from the dryer — now they’re covered in macaroni, Jager, and what looks to be a bunch of small pieces of chewed-up cardboard. Fucking great!” exclaimed laundry owner Lis Dermainpsy while preparing for a second trip to the laundromat. “I don’t even know how he managed to get into my room in the first place. All the house doors were locked and I even have a deadbolt in my bedroom to prevent exactly this thing from happening. It took more skill and effort for [Plomchock] to fuck up my whole week than I’ve seen him put into anything else.”

Plomchock attempted to recount the series of events that led to the regurgitation.

“I was just, like, ‘who is it’ and, then there was a wood guy, he… uh, maybe it was a long stick… I tried to turn it, but no, too much high up. Shots!” slurred Plomchock with some vomit spittle still dripping from his chin. “Oh man. That was a whole so lot of stairs. Nothing making me go… but so clean. Thinking it was bathroom… make it pooped too.”

Professional locksmith Polly Frieps explained how the severely intoxicated have an almost preternatural ability to access intentionally secure locations.

“I’ve been in this business for more than thirty years and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen some drunk asshole MacGyver their way somewhere secure, beyond all sense of reason or ability,” said Frieps who offers classes through her website on how to “Drunk Proof” a home. “It’s kind of disheartening in some ways. I apprenticed in this trade for so long to provide a service, but apparently all I need to do was slam a couple of forties before every shift and I’ll never let a customer down.”

At press time, Plomchock, who had so recently shown great acumen in overcoming locked areas, was struggling to pull the top off of a can of pineapple slices to eat.

Photo by Jana Miller.

“Stranger Things” Kids Aging Faster Than Normal Children Just to Make You Feel Old

Posted on June 1, 2022 by Matt McInerney

LOS ANGELES — Viewers of the popular Netflix show “Stranger Things” are reportedly complaining that the child stars are aging too fast, making them feel older than they are, sources painfully aware of their own mortality confirmed.

“I’ve been watching since season one, and I remember those cute little faces like it was yesterday,” you said while mumbling under your breath. “It’s only a few years later, and suddenly they are full-grown adults. I swear those kids aged twice as fast as I did. This is some sort of conspiracy to make me feel old, right? Maybe the rumors are true that these kids were created in a laboratory. It certainly wouldn’t be the worst thing Hollywood has done to child actors.”

“Stranger Things” star Millie Bobby Brown responded to the often-repeated complaint about the alleged rapid aging of the show’s young cast.

“The idea that we’re aging faster than normal humans is ridiculous. I mean, that is to say, we are normal humans…obviously,” explained a visibly flustered Brown. “We’ve always been a little bit older than the characters we play. They would just dress us to look younger. Now we’re in our late teens, and you’re seeing us dress our age on the red carpet. It’s really easy to figure out, and there’s nothing conspiratorial about it. People who know us aren’t confused. In fact, my trusted friend Drake tells me I’m very mature for my age.”

However, In a shocking development, geneticist Hugo Golub held a press conference to reveal the truth.

“It’s all true, unfortunately. We’ve been genetically modifying child actors for decades. Sometimes we’re asked to slow down the aging for a long-running show. Sometimes we’re asked to speed it up to keep pace with a script’s timeline,” explained a visibly shaken Golub. “But these experiments haven’t always been perfect, which is especially apparent as these child actors transition into adulthood. Mistakes were clearly made with early prototypes like Clint Howard. And then there’s Danny Bonaduce. We tried to keep him young and cute for too long, which left him no more than a walking ashtray in the later years of his life.”

At press time, onlookers could see ageless wonder Paul Rudd on the red carpet starting to sweat as he read news of this whistle-blower.

What Your Sex Dreams About The Cast Of Seinfeld Actually Mean, According To Science

Posted on June 1, 2022 by Nick Lundquist

It’s 3:00 am, and you just woke up from another Seinfeld dream. This time it was an erotic session of impact play with George Costanza. He had several issues with how you spanked his supple flesh, but the complaining only made it hotter. Wow, that was a wild one…but what does it mean?

While it may be “normal” and “healthy” to have sex dreams, it can also feel confusing to have them about actors from an incredibly successful ’90s sitcom. That’s why we asked a psychologist to shed light on what your sheet-staining fantasies about the cast of Seinfeld actually mean, according to science!

Jerry Seinfeld
If you’re making late-night love with the show’s namesake, then you’re probably more on the vanilla side. Studies have shown that sex dreams about Jerry Seinfeld reflect a subconscious desire for a lover that makes pointed observations about what’s going on in the bedroom. They want to be told “what the deal is” every step of the way from foreplay to climax. And who can blame them?

George Costanza
Have you experienced the timeless art of seduction first-hand? You’re not alone, as erotic dreams about Seinfeld’s beloved neurotic character are shockingly common. According to several peer-reviewed studies, sex dreams about George Costanza are the mind’s way of processing insecurities into a surprisingly enjoyable sexual experience. “Everything George fears, we fear. By dreaming about his shrinkage, we find ways to deal with our own shrinkage as well”, said Dr. Lawrence Davidson.

Elaine Benes
Having a steamy romance with Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ iconic character may sound great, but recent studies have shown that individuals with any kind of sexual fantasy about Elaine Benes have a 60% higher chance of having intimacy issues in real-life. Who would’ve thought dreaming of Elaine giving you a personal little kick dance could have such dark implications?

Cosmo Kramer
You’re sick in the head. Absolutely fucked. Get some help.

Newman
There’s nothing better than being snapped in half like a slutty slim jim by your girthy nemesis, right? According to data collected by the Wayne Knight Institute of Newman Studies, Newman-based orgasms have nearly tripled this past year!

Scientists believe these kinds of sex dreams are the mind’s way of coping with the death impulse. Newman represents pure masculine energy, raw power, and impressive cunning. All these elements explain why four out of every five people you meet have had toe-curling Newmangasm within the past 24-hours. Guilty as charged!

Review: SeeYouSpaceCowboy “The Romance of Affliction”

Posted on June 1, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

San Diego sibling-led sasscore quintet SeeYouSpaceCowboy dropped their second album “The Romance of Affliction” last November, and this Pride Month we are here to review their ambitious and emotionally honest new project. Mostly because we’re fairly sure the frontwoman is a lesbian, and we’ve been trained by the algorithm to shoehorn all our vaguely gay content into a four-week period, but don’t tell anyone that.

The band’s namesake is, of course, taken directly from the end card of the classic 1997 anime “Cowboy Bebop.” The soundtrack to “Bebop” is primarily attributed to Japanese big band outfit Seatbelts and composer Yoko Kanno. If you’ve heard anything by them, it is probably the “Bebop” theme song “Tank!,” a deeply catchy jazz number that has a way of entrenching itself in your head for pretty much eternity.

“Tank!” really rips, to be honest, and while sitting down to write this review, I found myself humming along to the iconic saxophone melody. It was super hard to focus on this so I wound up just kind of throwing on the first season of the anime in the background to get my “Tank!” fix every 20 minutes or so, but unfortunately I just wound up watching the show intently instead of listening to the album I’m supposed to be reviewing.

I have decided that instead of reviewing “The Romance of Affliction,” which I’m sure is very good, I’ll instead be doing an in-depth analysis of what exactly makes “Tank!” tick, from a music theory perspective. And instead of writing, I’ll be doing it via podcast, because everyone has a podcast and frankly I love hearing myself talk.

Welcome to The Yoko (Kanno) Factor, a musical analysis podcast dedicated to picking apart the intersection between the one anime I genuinely like and its opening theme song that I can’t stop thinking about. The YKF is a passion project entirely self-funded, so be sure to subscribe to my Patreon at any tier level to support independent content creation!

(Editor’s note: Colleen was promptly fired for attempting to plug an unsanctioned podcast in the middle of a very important album review. We apologize to anyone who was harmed by this piece – The Hard Times Staff)

SCORE: 3/2/1 let’s jam

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