Review: Primus “Suck on This”

Posted on by Tim Graham

Primus’ explosive debut “Suck on This” is a live recording that perfectly captures the idiosyncratic band and their bassist frontman Les Claypool doing all that signature slappy-thumby-tappy stuff that has characterized the band’s sound since.

The ingenuity of the music is impressive unto itself, but what’s more staggering is the fact that not only had Claypool never picked up a bass before that night, the members of Primus had never even met. Claypool had always wanted to be in a band, but spent most of his time fishing and never got around to learning an instrument. He figured it would be a great motivator to schedule a show months in advance, thinking the pressure would force him to stop procrastinating.

However, Claypool spent the intervening time huffing kerosene and forgot all about the show until the day of. He raced around Berkeley that afternoon, asking anyone he saw if they played guitar or drums. Eventually, he paid a barista and a delivery driver $40 each, with instructions to meet him at the club that evening with their gear.

Claypool showed up at the event wearing only a filthy union suit, with a bass that had been left behind by an old roommate. A stagehand showed him how to strap it on and plug it in, and the nascent bassist began attacking the instrument in a manner only a naive savant could, fueled by self-loathing for not having prepared whatsoever.

He instructed the impromptu band to follow his lead. The drummer and guitarist looked at each other, shrugged, and began playing along to Claypool’s furious, expressionistic string pummeling the best they could. Incredibly, the band’s initial fumbling while trying to find a rhythm in common resulted in a near-perfect recreation of the intro to Rush’s “YYZ”.

Needing to come up with lyrics on the spot, Claypool scanned the crowd, who had been lured there by flyers posted months earlier promising free mushrooms. Seeing a rather plump gentleman who looked to be fond of dessert-inspired the lyrics for what became “Pudding Time”. Someone shouting “You suck!” became “The Heckler”. And a man wearing a bucket hat covered with tackle gave Claypool the idea for “John the Fisherman”.

Somehow, despite all odds, the show and resultant album were a resounding success, inspiring Claypool to quit huffing and begin working on songwriting in earnest.

SCORE: 9.5 flat wound bass strings out of 12

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Kanye West Doubles Down With Confederate Flag Jorts, Swastika Adorned Fedora

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PARIS — Kanye West continued to cause a stir at Paris Fashion Week when he followed up his controversial “White Lives Matter” shirt with a new outfit featuring Confederate Flag jorts and a fedora displaying the Nazi flag, multiple sources report.

“We knew Kanye would really be trying to push the limits of style during his visit, but we didn’t expect him to dress like a guy that burns tires in his backyard for fun,” said Paris Fashion Week organizer Darcy Manon. “We should have seen this coming when he drove up to the event in a lifted Dodge Ram with multiple pairs of truck nutz hanging from the bumper. We thought maybe he was being ironic at first, but then we read all the bumper stickers on the truck and realized he’s completely lost his mind. But he did look good when he was wearing Balenciaga.”

Defenders were quick to point out that West’s clothing choices do not condone slavery or the mass murder of over six million Jews.

“Everyone is being way too sensitive, Ye is shining a light on the fashion of underprivileged bog people who reject societal norms and create their own incestuous communes,” said Twitter user @LilJake4354311 in a string of tweets. “He’s always been way ahead of the curve. People are roasting him now, but in six months those same people will be wearing Confederate flag shirts, shoes, and have a sticker of Calvin pissing on the American flag.”

A representative from the Southern Poverty Law Center admits they have an entire division dedicated to the rapper/fashion designer.

“Whenever he steps outside we have a team ready to point out all the hate speech he is displaying. Whether it’s a MAGA hat, a ‘White Lives Matter’ shirt, or if he’s goose-stepping around Los Angeles in a replica Nazi uniform,” said legal analyst Devon Miller. “It’s exhausting trying to keep up with him, but no matter what he does people still support him. If he starts a ‘Heil Hitler’ chant at his next concert there will be thousands of so-called progressives chanting it right along with him and calling him a misunderstood genius.”

At press time, West announced a new collaboration with Stormfront which will only be sold on message boards on the dark web.

Slash Rips Shredding Solo Wearing Top Hat President Lincoln Was Shot In

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WASHINGTON — The Smithsonian Institute presented guitar icon Slash with the rare opportunity of performing while wearing the exact top hat Abraham Lincoln had on the night he was assassinated, multiple outraged sources report.

“It’s a wicked honor to be able to wear such an iconic top hat, history was made in this hat not once, but twice,” Slash said while adjusting his poofy hair under the historic cap. “I feel like I’m honoring one of the greatest American presidents with a 12-minute solo and everything is made better because the hat is aesthetically pleasing as well. They told me it’s a good thing I quit smoking too because they didn’t want any extra holes burnt into it. I just felt like I was channeling Honest Abe the entire time I was rocking, though I had a weird urge to look over my shoulder the entire time I was wearing it.”

Gail Stenson was present front row and center for the historic performance and felt a little uneasy about the decision to let the guitar god wear the assassinated president’s hat.

“I was given free Guns N’ Roses tickets and was a bit reluctant to go in the first place,” Stenson stated. “When they announced Slash was wearing the same hat Lincoln was killed in, I felt even more uncomfortable than I was prior. I mean sure, they’re both recognized for wearing tall hats, but come on, a man was killed in that hat, but after seeing the thing in person I sort of get why he was shot. If you were sitting behind him at Ford’s Theater that night you wouldn’t have been able to see shit. At the end of the day, I just wish they gave it to someone with a better reputation than Slash, like Jamiroquai or something.”

Curator at the Smithsonian Institute Roger Fellows gives a little insight into the history of musicians using presidential artifacts during certain performances.

“It seems like many individuals are making a fuss about the Lincoln/Slash performance, but little do people know, this sort of thing happens quite often,” Fellows said while stepping down from a tall bookshelf. “Very few people are aware that prior to Bruce Springsteen’s DWI, he had been drinking bourbon straight from president Grant’s personal flask. Also, nobody knows that those are Eleanor Roosevelt’s prized handkerchiefs hanging off Steven Tyler’s mic stand. The artifacts in the Smithsonian are fair game to anyone with enough money to pay for them.”

At press time, it was said that Axl Rose had to cancel a show the next day after reportedly being stuck inside president Taft’s bathtub again.

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New ‘50s-Themed Diner Reveals Town’s Shocking Rockabilly Presence

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

IRVINE, Calif. — Susy Q’s, a new ‘50s-themed diner, opened its doors recently, revealing a shocking rockabilly presence within the city to the crowd attending the opening party, confirmed stunned and confused witnesses.

“I legitimately had no idea we even had rockabillies here,” said local Ashley Rohler after attempting to summon several crinoline-clad diners for a menu. “So none of these Guys and Dolls extras work here? Where have they been hiding? I just kind of assumed all these weirdos were like, hired for the opening party and in costume. Everybody be quiet, I want to see if they’re using Transatlantic accents.”

For diner owner Bruce Davis, the swing-happy turnout was everything he’d dreamed of.

“See, I’m what you’d call a pinup enthusiast. I love a busty gal leaning over just about anything—B-52s, red Chevelles, freight trains—but you don’t get that around here, do ya, dollface? So I thought, ‘if I build it…,’ and now look at them all,” said Davis, gesturing to the women in polka-dot dresses lined up at the malt counter. “I’m just happy to provide a soda fountain where this city’s long-dormant rockabilly community can feel comfortable—or as comfortable as they can be in rayon brassieres and wool trousers.”

Not everyone was as thrilled to find that the subculture was making its way to the forefront.

“Obviously we’re concerned and taking proactive measures to prevent the spread of more rockabillies,” said mayor Farrah Khan, noting she’d look into adding a question about it on the census. “This is why I’ve vetoed every classic car show permit that’s ever crossed my desk. Prevention is the best policy. Now that they’re out and about, they’re gonna want burlesque joints and drive-ins and tiki bars—one jukebox and the whole town’s gone to shit.”

At press time, the rockabillies had taken to the streets intending to race their hot rods, but after 20 minutes of arguing, it was decided the town had “no damn drag to bring your best girl out to.”

How Tho? Decrepit Old Geezer from ‘80s Movie Only 37

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SHERIDAN, Wyo. — Elder millennial Connor Allison suffered an existential crisis upon realizing the actor playing a “geriatric old fart” in one of his favorite ‘80s movies was only 37 during filming, sources looking into Botox confirmed.

“My date and I were chatting about a movie we both loved when we were kids. But we couldn’t remember the name of the character actor that played the creepy old guy that lives near the old mill, so I looked him up on IMDB. That’s when I saw it. He was just 37. A full seven months younger than me now,” said Allison. “I’m not sure if it’s because I was a kid then or what, but it turns out every single actor from the past that I thought of as having one foot in the grave is roughly my age now. Hell, even Mama freakin’ Fratelli was just 17 years older than me in ‘The Goonies.’ I can’t actually be old, I don’t even know how to tie a tie.”

‘80s actor Kris J. Howell offered his two cents on why actors in the past looked so much more “mature.”

“Unlike the current crop of Hollywood snowflakes, back then we didn’t have plastic surgeries, personal trainers, or even a basic understanding of the four food groups. But we did have cocaine. Just fucking mounds of it right there on every catering table. What? You think somebody sober came up with the idea of inserting David Bowie and his massive codpiece into ‘Labyrinth’?” said Howell. “Maybe eating red meat with a pack of Marlboros for dessert every meal might explain why I started getting typecast as grizzled longshoreman by the time I turned 14, but I wouldn’t trade those magical LA nights doing lines off of Rue Mcclachanan’s tits for anything.”

Self-proclaimed Hollywood insider Paris Blackwood provided her own theory on how actors stay looking young.

“One particularly ludicrous theory is that stars such as Jennifer Lopez receive infant blood transfusions administered by the Illuminati. But obviously, that’s absurd, as the Illuminati does not exist. At Least not anymore after they all got wiped out by the lizard people living inside the earth’s core,” said Blackwood. “Since then the Lizard People have been able to more efficiently provide Hollywood with baby blood. That means Sam Jackson will be making Marvel movies well into his 100s.”

At press time, Allison is having a full-blown panic attack upon learning the average age an MLB player retires.

Everyone In Mosh Pit Suddenly Doing The Dances From “A Charlie Brown Christmas”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SANTA FE, N.M. — Attendees of last night’s set by scene legends Beyond Silent were surprised to notice that, for a solid few minutes, everyone in the mosh pit was doing the dances from “A Charlie Brown Christmas” for some reason, baffled sources confirmed.

“I was looking out into the crowd during the break down of ‘Bloody Knuckles’ and I was expecting to see people killing each other, but what I saw was so confusing. It was like they planned it, but I don’t even know how they could have,” said Beyond Silent bassist Remy Valenti. “One guy had his arms straight out in front, shuffle walking in place, another girl was taking turns resting her chin on either shoulder. I swear, there were even two identical twins doing the hands-up head-bob-side-to-side one. I kid you not. I’m still trying to figure it all out.”

Members of the audience report temporary memory loss while the phenomenon was happening.

“I can only compare it to an out of body experience. I let the feeling overtake me, and suddenly I was Linus,” said gig attendee, and self-proclaimed pitboss, Myra Fynch. “A few minutes later, I was back to shoving my way to the front of the stage, but I still had a smelly blanket in my hand. I gotta tell ya, I didn’t come to the bar that night with a blanket…It might sound silly, but that blanket was bestowed upon me from some higher power.”

Long time bouncer Harris Hayworth doesn’t claim to know how it happened, but was certainly glad it did.

“I know it’s only early fall, but when I saw those kids set aside their youthful anger in favor of inadvertently imitating a holiday cartoon from 1965, I’ll admit it got me in the Christmas spirit,” said Hayworth, fighting back a wistful tear. “Call me an old softie if you must, but after that, I craved eggnog something fierce. And even though I wasn’t part of the dancing, I definitely experienced a Peanuts-related incident later that night when I passed out on top of my neighbor’s doghouse.”

At press time, Beyond Silent was reportedly making the switch to becoming a full-on jazz trio in order to capture the same energy at their shows going forward.

We Look Back on McDonald’s Failed ’90s Burger Campaign: “We Know 9/11 Is Coming”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

No one can deny that McDonald’s is one of the most successful, recognizable, and beloved businesses in American history. We can all agree that the memory of childhood comfort afforded by eating a McDouble and a Spicy Crispy Chicken sandwich back to back is well worth a day on the toilet.

However, even McDonald’s has had some high-profile, embarrassing failures, like the infamously environmentally destructive McDLT, the water, and seaweed-filled McLean Deluxe, and, of course, their notorious 1990s campaign “We Know 9/11 Is Coming.”

Everyone is familiar with how the McLobster Sandwich crashed and burned under a prohibitive $5.99 price and the fact that no sane person in the entire world wants fucking McDonald’s lobster, but not everyone remembers the “We Know 9/11 Is Coming” campaign and its flagship Mc9/11 Burger.

It’s not an accident. McDonald’s has spent millions trying to cover up the fact that they once produced and marketed a burger that desperately pleaded with the American people to pay attention to the rising issue of militant religious extremism in the Middle East, for a great low cost!

After the failure of McSpaghetti in the early 1990s, McDonald’s started doing heavy market research into what consumers wanted in a burger as part of their competition with Burger King, Wendy’s, and to a lesser extent, home-cooked food.

The McThinkTank soon exceeded its mandate, however, discovering evidence that the CIA had funded extremist Mujahideen fighters in the Soviet-Afghan War, which led to the founding of Al Qaeda by Osama Bin Laden in 1988, and that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed had devised the basic idea of commercial airliner suicide missions, and that Americans were increasingly concerned with the fat and sodium levels in their food.

This led to the creation of the Mc9/11 Burger, a sandwich composed of a quarter-pound, all-beef patty, grilled onions, special sauce, and a slice of semi-Monterey Jack cheese, which was described at the time as “adequate.” Every purchase of an Mc9/11 came with one of five randomly chosen toys, all of which were miniatures of various landmarks McDonald’s suspected Al Qaeda was targeting, including the White House, the Los Angeles U.S. Bank Tower, and McDonald’s own Hamburger University.

At the time, diners were confused by the marketing slogan of “Please, Thousands Will Die” and the national commercial spot in which Ronald McDonald explained at length how US intelligence agencies were fatally refusing to share information with each other. The Mc9/11 Burger was swiftly discontinued, joining the likes of the McAfrika, Onion Nuggets, and a shared sense of safety in America!

Roommate Leaving Punk House Ceremoniously Passes Down Key For Stealing Toilet Paper From Wendy’s

Posted on by Chester Stillwater

WHEELING, W. VA — Aging punk roommate Dennis “Onion” Wilkins ritualistically bequeathed the key that allows them to steal toilet paper from Wendy’s to his roommates in a mysterious, candlelit ceremony last night, honored sources confirmed.

“This sacred key has saved this household thousands of dollars over the years. This single key is the reason we aren’t using old copies of Thrasher to clean our asses. It may look like a cheap piece of plastic, but it’s actually the most valuable possession I have, no it’s time to pass it on,” said Wilkins in a formal cloak. “I remember when it was passed down to me. In 2004 I had just moved in and it was right when Big Darryl was going to jail for beating up a bus driver. He passed the key to me and I’ve been the keeper of the key ever since. Use it well, for with great power comes great responsibility. Also, bring your backpack into the restroom.”

Residents were confused by the solemnity, but appreciative of the utility.

“There are eleven people living here, and a whole shit-ton of pit bulls,” said a resident only identified as “Mooch.” “That equates to a whole lot of shit. Cash is king, and beer is better, but this key is a pathway to years of savings. Some of my more brutish friends think you can steal toilet paper with just a screwdriver and a firm kick, but those people don’t realize that only makes the business fight back harder. This key is a golden ticket.”

Local Wendy’s manager Neil Weedmarr has suspected employees were stealing toilet paper for years.

“This is the first I’m, learning that one of our keys had made its way into the general public. I owe a lot of people apologies,” said Weedman while restocking the toilet paper for the seventh time today. “But more importantly I need to find these punks and return the key to its rightful place on the third shelf of the security closet. Once the key is returned I will be able to call up the other franchise owners in the state and start the ritual to resurrect Dave Thomas.”

Wilkins also entrusted his roommates with a small length of hose to siphon gas from cars in the neighborhood that he claims once belonged to Dee Dee Ramone.

I’ll Probably Be the Only Guy With American Traditional Tattoos Wearing Docs and a Jean Jacket at the Gaslight Anthem Show Tonight

Posted on by Zach Hudson

Going to see a show is a great excuse to dress up. Over the last few years though, it feels like everyone in the scene is trying to look the same. Well, I’ve never been one to follow trends, so I’ll probably be the only guy with American traditional tattoos wearing Docs and a jean jacket at The Gaslight Anthem show tonight.

I’ve been planning this outfit ever since the band announced their reunion tour. I finally decided on a white t and black jeans with a little cuff on the bottom to complete my outfit. That combination should set me apart from the crowd even more. My brand new jean jacket is making its debut tonight. I’m definitely going to cuff the sleeves to show off the swallow tattoo I just got done on my forearm. You don’t see many people with these anymore.

Shows can also be a great place to meet women. Usually, when I try to talk to women at shows they don’t seem interested, which I’m realizing now probably had to do with what I was wearing. I gotta say, I’m looking good, so tonight could be my lucky night. There probably aren’t going to be very many women at this show, so I really need to stand out if I’m gonna find someone to make out with during ‘Blue Jeans & White T-shirts’. And I’ll definitely stand out. You can’t miss me.

I want to be clear though that I’m not just going to dress up and meet women. I’m not that kind of guy. I really do love this band and I am a long-time fan. You know half the people in the crowd are just coming to hear ‘59th Sound’, but I’m hoping for some deep cuts like ‘45’ and ‘Old White Lincoln’. Maybe Brian will even notice me and compliment my outfit to the crowd in between songs. That’d really get the attention of the women in attendance. Again though, that’s not why I’m going.

If you’re going to the show tonight, come say hello. It’s a pretty big venue but you shouldn’t have a problem finding me. If on the off chance there is a guy wearing a similar outfit as mine, which I seriously doubt, just look at the person’s hands. I’ve got a bright red rose tattoo on my left hand, and a panther head on the right one.

Local Tattoo Artists Brace for Wave of Absolute Dumbshit Requests After “Ink Master” Premiere

Posted on by Gracie Beaver-Kairis

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local tattoo artists are preparing for a huge wave of clients requesting the absolute stupidest, dumbshit tattoos possible in the wake of Paramount+ reviving “Ink Master” for another season, exhausted sources confirm.

“My books aren’t even open yet, but since the new season premiered, I have a billion DMs asking for shit like ‘traditional Japanese punk rock walrus on the ribs,’” said local tattoo artist Trisha Gonzalez. “I asked one guy to actually look at my profile because I specialize in illustrative black-and-grey, but he told me that if I can’t tattoo an American traditional pin-up of a scuba diving Courtney Love, then I ‘must not be a real Ink Master.’”

Local “Ink Master” fan Eric Bernhardt is looking to get his first tattoo and is thankful for another season of the show to give him a realistic idea of what to expect at his appointment.

“I recently moved here from Iowa and ‘Ink Master’ inspired me to get a full color, photorealistic ear of corn tattooed on the side of my head,” he said while sending identical Instagram DMs to six more artists. “Before I watched the show, I probably would have wasted time researching who would be the best fit for my idea, or even, God forbid, listening to an expert’s feedback on it. Now I know that any artist worth their salt should be able to draw and execute this badass corn tattoo flawlessly in a three-hour session.”

Paramount+ executive Bruce Williamson defended the decision to reboot the show, even if it does result in more people walking around with neo-traditional fast food tattoos on their chests for the rest of their lives.

“This show simply is a way to make the art of tattooing more accessible to people who might be intimidated by it. Anyone who thinks that the show portrays an unrealistic idea of the tattoo experience clearly hasn’t seen that episode a few seasons back where people got their fingernails tatted,” Williamson said, before shouting at his assistant. “Hey—make sure you tune in next week, we make the artists tattoo watercolor portraits of founding fathers while blindfolded. It’s a very touching episode.”

At press time, a visibly broken Gonzalez had reluctantly booked an appointment to tattoo a “new school zombie ballerina riding a tractor” on a client’s ass cheek.

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