Andrew Keith Spaulding, Author at HARDTIMES

Black Metal Band’s Publicity Photos Clearly Taken at Christmas Tree Farm

Posted on December 11, 2022 by Rob Ryder

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Fans of black metal stalwarts Bloodfrost became disenchanted with the supposedly Satanic quartet when it was recently discovered the band’s latest publicity photos were taken at a nearby Christmas tree farm, confirmed corpse painted sources.

“I’m not gonna lie, the photos seemed pretty badass at first glance, the blood red snow, the weapons, it was sick,” said fan Tina Bronson. “Then you look closer…the rack of wreaths, the warm cider stand, the family of five running a tree through the bailer. It’s all a little much. Even the panoramic they used for their Facebook cover photo, the light and shadows were perfect…but right behind the band is a parking lot full of minivans. I might have been able to forgive them if this was one of those Christmas tree lots that only hires ex-cons, but no.”

Guitarist Tom Gundfeld admitted that the photo shoot was more a practical decision rather than a design choice.

“We originally planned a tour of Northern Europe culminating with a photo session in Hammerfest, Norway. Then the record company decided that we could probably just tour Central Pennsylvania and get a decent photo for almost nothing,” Gundfeld said. “We figured we could hike deep into the woods and get that isolated feel, but hiking in snow really sucks and we didn’t want our gauntlets to get wet and up rusting. We were barely 100 feet into the forest before we were all freezing our asses off. We were about to just give up, but on the way to the motel we saw the tree farm. We figured with the right angle we could get the feel of a remote forest, but I the old lady we asked to take the photos didn’t understand the aesthetic we were going for..”

Staff at the Glad Tidings Tree Farm commented that band photo shoots are a somewhat frequent occurence.

“We see it a few times a week. You can spot them a mile away,” said staff member Eileen Wilson. “They pretend to be picking out a tree, a bunch of guys with long hair all dressed in black, and they mime discussing what kind of tree they want. After they get the photos they usually come up with an excuse for not buying anything, warm up at the fire barrel, maybe get some hot cider and move along. We used to kick them out, but sometimes they do follow through. I sold the guys from Gorgoroth a nice 10 foot blue spruce a few years ago. God only knows what they did with it, but hey, a sale is a sale, right?”

Bloodfrost has stated their next album will focus on ancient Chinese mysticism following a tour of Shaanxi Province, China, or maybe just dinner at a PF Changs in Akron.

Why I Don’t Support Animal Cosmetic Testing Unless They Look Goth as Hell

Posted on December 11, 2022 by Josephine Ramos

Every year, thousands of animals are forced into cosmetic testing. Most of them endure sickness and poor living conditions just to look mid. Here’s why I don’t support testing cosmetics on animals unless it makes them look goth as hell.

So who is the most impacted by the death machine that is the cosmetic industry? Animals such as rabbits, guinea pigs, and hamsters. These animals may be useless, but they still feel pain just like us. Being poked and prodded all day by chemists can take a toll, but never mind the needles and probes. The real cruelty here is not allowing these animals to properly cope with this pain by expressing themselves in a way that’s goth as fuck.

Even animals are not immune to existential dread. Shouldn’t they at least look cool in the process?

I don’t know about those guys, but I’d rather sit my bare ass on every one of those Maybelline chemist’s needles before looking like a basic bitch. Being a goth baddie is not a want, but a need for helping those suffering from corporate cruelty.

As an animal lover, goth, and empath, I think we should grant that same courtesy to these animals. In general, animal testing is cruel, but what isn’t? We’re pretty much in too deep at this point, so the least we can do is give these guys a smokey eye with some graphic liner and call it a day. It’s the least we could do, especially considering their horrific living conditions that we plan on doing nothing about.

Hot Topic Braces for Wave of Confused Relatives Buying Gifts for Teens

Posted on December 11, 2022 by Audrey Vieira

FRISCO, Texas — Hot Topic manager Julia Hargrave reportedly urged employees to prepare for an influx of older relatives with limited pop culture knowledge to patronize the store this holiday season, underpaid goth sources confirmed.

“Usually our only customers over 20 are the Funko Pop collectors, but holiday shopping always brings in record numbers of parents, grandparents, and generally uncultured people who don’t understand the angsty teens in their lives,” Hargrave said during her lunch break at Sbarro. “I’m scheduling extra training sessions so that everyone remembers to be kind to the elderly Gen Xers and boomers in the store. Still, I have to go take deep breaths in the back room when these people complain about the music or mix up band names. No wonder their kids hate them so much.”

Local mother Carrie Scrivener had her own ideas about how Hot Topic could improve its holiday shopping experience.

“I wouldn’t need some 17-year-old cashier to help me identify band logos if this place had better lighting. Between my daughter’s love for annoying music and my son’s obsession with anime tees, I’m definitely spending enough on Christmas here for this place to afford their electric bill,” said Scrivner while knocking over a cardboard cutout of Jack Skellington. “It would also be easier to ask these punks about the return policy if the music wasn’t so horribly loud. I know I’m old and out of touch but surely we can find common ground over The Cure or another band where I can actually understand the words they are saying.”

Mall commerce expert Frank Paternoster noted this annual increase of well-meaning parents struggling with their shopping has never been exclusive to Hot Topic or edgy teens in general.

“Even if their kids don’t belong to a weird subculture, the holiday season is always stressful for older customers who just want to buy the right gifts. Moms can complain about Hot Topic’s atmosphere all they want but at least that place has an excuse to be dark, gloomy, and difficult to navigate,” said Paternoster while organizing his Auntie Anne’s coupons. “Hollister is 10 times more haunted and their workers aren’t even goth. Malls are simply designed to make shopping as difficult as possible so parents will spend more on Auntie Anne’s once their stress turns into hunger. That’s where they really profit from this.”

At press time, Scrivener proudly made her way to the register upon finding My Chemical Romance merchandise without violent imagery, blissfully unaware that it was actually a My Morning Jacket shirt.

Review: Touché Amoré “…To the Beat of a Dead Horse”

Posted on December 11, 2022 by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times travels back to review an album from the past in order to satisfy our need to judge others’ creative works. This week we’re heading back to 2009 to review Touché Amoré’s debut studio record “…To the Beat of a Dead Horse.”

This album is such a vibe. It combines elements of post-hardcore, screamo, and that feeling you get right after you high-five your best friend. Not to mention nearly every song clocks in under two minutes. That’s such a sight for sore ears.

It reminds me of my brief stint with the band LCD Soundsystem back in the 2000s where just about every single one of our songs was well over six minutes long. That’s straight-up perverse. No track should ever last longer than sex. That’s clearly something Touché knows well.

Anyway, during LCD band practices I would always suggest that maybe we try writing a song that’s a more audience- and radio-friendly length. You know, like three minutes tops. That seemed to rub them the wrong way. I think the singer’s exact words were, “dude, you’re just the merch guy’s cousin.”

Like, so? I wrote the sign that shows all the prices of our merch all by myself. I think I’m more than qualified to write a song too. How hard could it be?

I don’t think they took kindly to my suggestion because they then went out and wrote “Dance Yrself Clean” out of spite. That song is nearly nine minutes long and clearly, a diss track to their trusted merchandise ambassador’s third favorite relative.

After I found out about the song length, I recommended that the group just divide it into three separate tracks to get more bang for their buck on the record. I think the synth player’s exact words were, “how the hell did you get in here? We have multiple restraining orders against you.”

The nerve, right? Just because they see me as a “threat to their personal well-being” doesn’t mean my input isn’t valid.

I just love that Touché Amoré made an album I always wanted LCD Soundsystem to make. Hope you’re reading this, James Murphy.

Score: 10 out of 10 two-minute songs

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Remaining Twitter Employees Form Ska Band

Posted on December 10, 2022 by Rose Eden

SAN FRANCISCO — The few remaining employees at Twitter who survived Elon Musk’s blitzkrieg staff cuts last month are now joining forces to start a ska band, confirmed annoyed sources from within the building.

“Our horn section got fired in the second round of layoffs, so right off the bat there were issues. We kept managing to find replacements because it turns out there is a lot of crossover with programmers and band kids,” said Evan Harris in Marketing. “We’ve been using an abandoned open workspace on the fourth floor as our practice area. Sometimes the boss comes in and asks what the hell we’re doing, but he’s easily distracted. Last week I told him the radical left was planning another attack on our advertising model and he ran back to his office and didn’t come out for 16 hours.”

Other building staff personnel report that despite once feeling safe from the axe of layoffs, they now have a whole other issue to fear: being drafted into the band.

“I wish I would have never mentioned to Jake in HR that I moonlight playing keyboards in a wedding band,” said custodial worker Mike Pearce. “Now every time I do my rounds I have to dodge those guys hounding me about playing keys for them. I don’t own a Hawaiian shirt, much less would I go out and buy one and wear it to play with these jerk-offs. I’m just trying to keep it clean while everything else around me burns to the ground.”

Mental health professionals that deal with high-stress work environments say that what is happening at Twitter is very common.

“Highly traumatized and stressed out employees are going to act out. Clanning together around a common interest is absolutely a coping mechanism, and if they’re resorting to playing ska music then they’ve clearly gotten pretty desperate,” said psychologist Regina Stillwell, who specializes in working with high earners in tech. “There’s a well-known story we tell in corporate mental health professional circles about the final days of MySpace. Some of the remaining employees snapped under pressure, went feral into Franklin Canyon Park for weeks, and that’s actually how Mumford and Sons were formed.”

The group, who goes under the name Blue Checkerboard, has already learned Grimes’ entire catalog which they’ve fully adapted into ska covers just for Elon Musk, who routinely shouts requests at them from the landing outside his office.

I’m the Mother Who Wouldn’t Give Mike a Pepsi and You Should Know There Are Two Sides to Every Story

Posted on December 10, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

I have always done the proper, motherly thing and put my child’s needs before my own. Yet I have been painted as a villain by generations of crossover thrash fans. My name is Martha and, yes, I would not give my son Mike a Pepsi. But you should know there are two sides to every story.

First off, Pepsi makes Mike gassy. A growing boy like Mike needs healthy beverages like calcium-rich whole milk, freshly squeezed orange juice, or the occasional cup of hot cocoa (but just as a treat!). If Mike drinks Pepsi, he can’t concentrate because of all the caffeine and sugar. I get really frustrated when people don’t understand that. Even when I try to tell them about it and I try and I try and it just doesn’t work out.

Also, why could Mike not get his own Pepsi? There I was, concerned for my son who was definitely on drugs, and he was demanding that I fetch him a drink. What does he think I do all day? I have a full schedule! I have to clean the house, ask if my son is on drugs, go to the market for more calcium-rich whole milk, ask my son again if he’s on drugs, tend to my begonias, and wildly shriek that my son is on drugs and that normal people don’t behave that way.

Also, this is a Coca-Cola house. In the Muir household, we believe in that sweet Georgia nectar and long for the days when you could get a nice little buzz from Ty Cobb’s best investment ever. Frankly, just for suggesting Pepsi, Mike should have been put somewhere where he could get the help he needs.

Man Desperately Trying to Close Bar Tab After Seeing SantaCon Pub Crawl Slowly Approaching From Down the Block

Posted on December 10, 2022 by James Knapp

NEW YORK — Local man Kraig Thuben frantically tried to flag down the bartender at neighborhood pub Dickie’s Taproom in order to pay his modest bill before the gaggle of boisterous drunks dressed up as Santa Claus managed their way to the bar, sources who knew the bartender could see them waving confirmed.

“I had just stepped outside for a cigarette when I glanced down the block and noticed this mass of dirty Party City Santa costumes staggering towards me and I immediately knew I had to get the hell outta here,” explained Thuben. “I don’t wanna have to pay the automatic $35 gratuity for unclosed tabs but I may not have a choice if this lazy fucking bartender doesn’t get his ass over here soon. You can put those dirty highball glasses in the dishwasher later! I’m in peril right now!”

The bartender at Dickie’s, Rodney Lowenstein, expressed ambivalence to Thuben’s situation as he casually stopped to chat with one of his regulars for several agonizing minutes.

“Yeah, yeah, Rodney sees that guy waving his credit card over there. And Rodney don’t give a damn,” muttered Lowenstein under his breath. “No one minds that Rodney has to stay and serve those jolly fucks no matter what. Fuck it. You can stay too for all Rodney cares. I hope everyone likes listening to the same four Christmas songs on the jukebox for the next few hours, it’s about to be really shitty in here.”

SantaCon participant Erin Glizclosky was completely oblivious to the reality that Christmas-themed pub crawls are deeply irritating to the general public.

“Woooooo! Guess who’s coming to town bitches! Santas are in the house!” belted Glizclosky in between dry heaves. “This is the most fun ever. I love seeing the surprised looks on people’s faces whenever we roll into a bar, ready to drink them all out of Jagermeister. I can tell everyone is excited to see us. The last place we were at, a few people were so delighted they actually started crying, and one guy got so worked up with the Christmas spirit that he tried to fight us. It feels good to be part of such a magical season. Joy to the fucking world, you assholes! Woooooo!”

At press, Thuben had almost managed to pay his bill before Lowenstein stopped to very methodically tie his shoe, while the SantaCon had also stalled with the entire group stopping at a pizza shop that was on their route.

12 Times Celebrities Absolutely Roasted Interviewers Who Were Just Doing Their Job Asking Perfectly Appropriate Questions

Posted on December 10, 2022 by James Knapp

Sometimes interviewers can push celebrities over the edge and get a steaming heapful of their own arrogance hurled back in their faces. Other times interviewers are just hardworking professionals trying to feed content to a needy public, and in no way deserve to be screwed by these famous and powerful jerks. Here are just a few examples of the latter.

Jeff Goldblum

When an interviewer for TV Guide asked him “what’s a project you’re really excited about right now?” Mr. Goldblum was less than eloquent as he stuttered back “I, um, well, um, I, I, fuck your daughter everyday, um, and I, um, that’s exciting for me.”

Winona Ryder

Ryder may have been having a bad day when a writer for The Nickelodeon Times asked if she had any fun stories from being on the set of “Stranger Things” and she aggressively corrected “It’s pronounced “Stranger Thangs,” you illiterate boob!”

Harry Styles

When asked by Cigar Aficionado Magazine if he had any hobbies, Styles responded “Yeah, answering shitass questions like that one all the time. You suck. And I think you smell. Is that your hobby? Being smelly?” It was only later revealed, after intense research, that being smelly is not actually a hobby.

Idris Elba

In 2014, The Driftwood Quarterly sat down for an interview with Elba only to be met with 10 solid minutes of dead, withering silence. To this day neither party has addressed exactly what in the fuck that was all about.

Chris Evans
When asked about his diet by The Cliffjumper Review, Evan bluntly replied “Glass. Sometimes I put it in my eyes. Sometimes in my butt. Also, I’ve been experimenting with smoothies.”

Sarah Jessica Parker

There may have been some miscommunication when a ski journalist for Skiing Magazine asked Ms. Jessica Parker if she liked skiing and she asked “Is that that thing where you dig up a freshly buried corpse and try to reanimate it? Because I really like that. “

JK Rowling

“I only read receipts and the inside of Laffy Taffy wrappers,” was Rowling’s response when the editors of Charlie Chaplin’s Mustache Press asked who some of her literary influences are.

Dolphin Boy

It’s hard to be a half-dolphin half-boy. Which may be why DB, when asked by Wine Journal if he could even understand human language, screeched “Eeeeeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeeee” repeatedly.

Ryan Reynolds

It’s unclear what kind of article the editors of GlugaGluga Print were planning when they asked Reynold “who’s your favorite Little Rascal?” So it kinda made sense that he responded “Me. I’m a little rascal. Just a rascally little scamp. Rasc-ing around and such. Just a little guy. I.” Everyone involved in this one was fucking weird.

Kim Kardashian

Business Addict Magazine asked Kardashian “what do you think is the most important thing for succeeding in business?” Alarmingly, she sort of revealed a definite falsehood: “I wear a top and a monocle everywhere I go. I’m wearing them right now, but they’re invisible.”

Taylor Swift

The interview hadn’t even begun when a writer for The Journal of Oversized Slacks asked “How are you today?” and Swift responded without prompting “Canada is a brutally worthless country.”

Jeffrey Dahmer

Since Jeffrey Dahmer is apparently a celebrity now, back when he was still on death row an interviewer for the Milwaukee Police Department asked him when the rest of the bodies were and he simply grinned and patted his stomach repeatedly.

Report: Drywall Repair Still Cheaper Than Therapy

Posted on December 9, 2022 by Matt McInerney

CALDWELL, N.J. — A new report released by the Economic Wellness Consortium confirms that drywall repair remains a significantly cheaper option than paying for even a single therapy session.

“As stress rises during these trying economic times, Americans will need an outlet. Our latest study suggests that punching something that is both cheap to fix and won’t lead to prison time or lawsuits is a very viable option,” said Jada Fernandez, the report’s co-author. “Our legal team also told me to note that the authors of the study make no judgments on whether this is a good idea or not. We’re simply saying it is more cost-effective to channel your tension into extreme violence, and that sheetrock is not litigious.”

Ronald Thompson, a local gym teacher, is a long-time proponent of this approach.

“I don’t need some fancy study to tell me this. I grew up blasting holes in walls with nothing but my fists. My ma always used to tell me to cut it out, but look at me now! Those brainiacs are saying I was a genius all along,” shouted Thompson as he continued to amp himself up. “I mean, it makes sense if you just do the math. At about $3 per square foot, I could be pounding gaps in plaster all day for the price of an hour with some bozo. They say the best things in life are free, which is why I always told my ex-wife that paying to ‘control my anger’ sounds pretty fucking dumb.”

Wayne Copeland, a Home Depot employee, is very aware of the academic attention that drywall is currently receiving.

“Hey, look, I get it. Therapy is hard to afford on your average salary. But to be clear, the $150 a session I pay my therapist is totally worth it. You can’t imagine how stressful this job is,” bemoaned Copeland, pointing towards the building materials aisle. “When you consider all of the angry, wall-punching assholes I have to deal with on a daily basis, I see therapy as a necessity for my mental health. There are so many psychos out there, and I know firsthand. I’ve got to talk to someone about it.”

At press time, Fernandez was considering studying the emotional impact of screaming into a pillow.

Woman Embraces Body Positivity for Everyone but Herself

Posted on December 9, 2022 by Caroline Smith

ASHEVILLE, N.C — Local woman Vanessa Taylor continues to be thrilled by the growing Body Positivity Movement for all of her friends and family but refuses to apply the same principles to herself, concerned sources report.

“It’s important to me that I help other women feel confident and valued no matter what. Society tries to dictate what ‘beauty’ should be and I want all my friends to know that they are perfect the way they are, of course, this doesn’t apply to me because I ate an entire fucking cake last night by myself and no normal human should be able to consume that much sugar,” confides Taylor. “This isn’t new to me, in fifth grade, this girl Mary Kate said my skin looks like an expensive cheese because of all the blue veins running through it. Let’s just say these legs haven’t seen the light of day since the Clinton administration.”

Several friends and family did heartily agree that Taylor is “the shit” and “the best bitch” when it comes to giving them a much-needed boost of body confidence.

“I always just thought maybe she was just super goth because she dresses all in black and doesn’t have any mirrors in her house,” said former co-worker, Elise Van Horn. “I just assumed she was into some weird vampire shit, because let’s be honest, who isn’t at some point in their lives. But she was always the first person to compliment me on a new blazer, even if it came in a primary color. I tried to invite her swimming last summer and she told me to ‘slay it’ but she said ‘I don’t want people to have to deal with all of this.’”

While most people find Taylor’s aggressive body positivity towards everyone in the world but herself uplifting, her psychiatrist, Dr. Louise Maike, has a different view of the situation.

“Truthfully, for a while, Ms. Taylor’s clinical Body Dysmorphia had me a bit concerned,” said Dr. Maike. “This is a woman who wears long black pants in July. Her friends also seem to ignore the fact that this woman is struggling with her self-esteem because she’s so good at helping them feel good about themselves. I will say that Ms. Taylor convinced me that I could wear a mesh dress on a first date and now that guy is my husband!”

At press time, Taylor has started an inclusive meet-up of women and femmes who want to learn how to design sewing patterns for non-typical body types which she plans on running over Zoom, with her camera off.