NEW YORK — Local man Kraig Thuben frantically tried to flag down the bartender at neighborhood pub Dickie’s Taproom in order to pay his modest bill before the gaggle of boisterous drunks dressed up as Santa Claus managed their way to the bar, sources who knew the bartender could see them waving confirmed.
“I had just stepped outside for a cigarette when I glanced down the block and noticed this mass of dirty Party City Santa costumes staggering towards me and I immediately knew I had to get the hell outta here,” explained Thuben. “I don’t wanna have to pay the automatic $35 gratuity for unclosed tabs but I may not have a choice if this lazy fucking bartender doesn’t get his ass over here soon. You can put those dirty highball glasses in the dishwasher later! I’m in peril right now!”
The bartender at Dickie’s, Rodney Lowenstein, expressed ambivalence to Thuben’s situation as he casually stopped to chat with one of his regulars for several agonizing minutes.
“Yeah, yeah, Rodney sees that guy waving his credit card over there. And Rodney don’t give a damn,” muttered Lowenstein under his breath. “No one minds that Rodney has to stay and serve those jolly fucks no matter what. Fuck it. You can stay too for all Rodney cares. I hope everyone likes listening to the same four Christmas songs on the jukebox for the next few hours, it’s about to be really shitty in here.”
SantaCon participant Erin Glizclosky was completely oblivious to the reality that Christmas-themed pub crawls are deeply irritating to the general public.
“Woooooo! Guess who’s coming to town bitches! Santas are in the house!” belted Glizclosky in between dry heaves. “This is the most fun ever. I love seeing the surprised looks on people’s faces whenever we roll into a bar, ready to drink them all out of Jagermeister. I can tell everyone is excited to see us. The last place we were at, a few people were so delighted they actually started crying, and one guy got so worked up with the Christmas spirit that he tried to fight us. It feels good to be part of such a magical season. Joy to the fucking world, you assholes! Woooooo!”
At press, Thuben had almost managed to pay his bill before Lowenstein stopped to very methodically tie his shoe, while the SantaCon had also stalled with the entire group stopping at a pizza shop that was on their route.