Top 5 Ways To Make Your Partner Oi! During Sex

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Relationships are tough, and with all the butt stuff going on now they’ve only gotten trickier. So, the sexologists at the Hard Times are here with the top five ways to make your partner Oi! during sex!

This is the talk your parents were too square to have!

Use your husky, working person’s voice to whisper about the corruption of Parliament directly into their ear
If there’s anything guaranteed to get your partner going, it’s whispering about the British Parliamentary system during sex. If you have nothing but your working-class ideals and blisters from a hard day’s work, huskily whisper your mistrust of power and feel your lover melt beneath you.

Click the heels of your work boots behind your head
Contorting your body into a uniquely uncomfortable sexual position is one of the quickest ways to make your partner Oi! so loud Boris Johnson’s hair moves. The clickety-clack of those boots, dirty from hours and hours of hard labor, will have them squealing “Oi! Oi! Oi!” until it’s time to clock in for their next shift at the factory on the other side of town.

Start a band instead of doing anything meaningful mid-pump
Starting a band instead of joining your own workplace union or providing meals to striking workers picketing for healthcare mid-stroke will drive them CRAZY. Plus, it will definitely get the word out about working-class struggles better than boring volunteer work.

Lock arms with a bunch of strangers right before the chorus of their favorite Cock Sparrer song
A good sex playlist is a must, and somewhere between Ginuwine and John Mayer, you need a cache of Cock Sparrer, Sham 69, and the 4-Skins songs. When the chorus of their favorite Cock Sparrer song starts, lock arms with all the sweaty weirdos that were drinking in your closet! The more people you bring out, the louder and more intense your partner will Oi!

When they aren’t looking, steal their wallet
Nothing could be sexier than reminding your partner that the two of you just met and that your name really isn’t Jon Dansbury of Stratford-upon-Avon than stealing their license, credit card, and old Subway Club punch card while they quake in the balm of fornication.

If you follow these helpful tips, you’ll have your partner Oi’ing every night! And always remember, if your Oi sex lasts 4 minutes or longer, call a doctor.

Review: Citizen “Youth”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

This week we’ve decided to take ourselves a gander at Michigan and Ohio’s own Citizen and their debut album “Youth.” We figured who better to expose an LP named “Youth” to than a cafeteria full of senior citizens at the nursing home a short drive from our headquarters. We did just that, and here’s what they thought:

Herman Kleinschmidt, age 91: “Why, I haven’t heard a voice this full of pith and vinegar since Maurice Chevalier belted out ‘Auld Lang Syne’ on top of the Sears Tower to ring in 1945!”

Glenda Rupp-Simmons, age 79: “Oh, dear, I can’t hear anything without my doohickey turned up. And I simply just don’t want to turn it up, you see?”

Ronald Wrillingsly, age 80: “(unintelligible muttering, but to be fair, he seemed like he was searching for his dentures.)”

Ethel Jane Manillawicz, age 98: “I mean, I don’t usually go for post-hardcore, emo-y stuff like this, but I saw them at Riot Fest the year this came out and they were actually pretty solid. Great stuff to skate to, trust me.”

Herman Kleinschmidt, age 91: “Hey, what’s the big idea walking away from me like that? I got more to say on that night I saw Chevalier! Why, there was nary a dry eye in all the Windy City that New Year’s Eve.”

Chad Lazenby, age 14: “Please, please, PLEASE don’t tell the staff here my real age. It was either run away to this place, and wrinkle up my face every morning, or join the circus…and have you ever actually tried to join a circus? These days you have to have a damn PHD in juggling before they even talk to you!”

Ronald Wrillingsly, age 80: “Ah, got my teeth in, snug as a bug in a rug. Now, where was I…oh yes, (blows big, performative raspberry)”

Herman Kleinschmidt, age 92: “Hey look at that, it’s my birthday! I almost forgot! Anyhow, what’s that? Maurice Chevalier?? Never heard of him!”

Francine Vivaldi, age 95: “Psst, hey kid! If I pretend to keel over dead, will you drag me out of here and I can make my getaway? It’s the perfect crime, c’mon.”

After that, we got a little freaked out and left. Boy, the lengths we’ll go for free pudding!

Score: Every last one of them dozed off before we could ask. It was wild.

 

Spotify Sells Every Bright Eyes Listener’s Data to BetterHelp

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

OMAHA, Neb. — Streaming giant Spotify reportedly sold the data of over one million Bright Eyes listeners to online therapy platform BetterHelp, depressed sources confirmed.

“Waking up to an email from BetterHelp offering me a free month for being in the top 0.001% of Bright Eyes fans felt like a personal attack,” said longtime listener Bella Rowe. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not canceling my subscription over this until I’ve had enough time to listen to all of the new companion EPs, but it really sucks to get sold out. Everyone knows that it’s only okay for Spotify to use your data for cool shit like Wrapped and exclusive presale codes for certain tours. At least I have a free month of therapy to talk to someone about how violated I feel.”

Casual Spotify user Jenna Walmsley was similarly confused as to why the streaming platform shared her personal information with BetterHelp.

“Selling out the top fans is one thing, but handing my very-not-dedicated-fan data over to BetterHelp is so wrong,” Walmsley said while deleting yet another promotional email from the therapy platform. “I don’t even like Bright Eyes. Minus the one time I dated this pretentious English major who bragged about owning a ‘Fevers and Mirrors’ vinyl in his Tinder bio, I’ve never listened to them. Okay, I’ve cried to a few of their older albums during vulnerable moments, but only with private listening enabled. That shouldn’t count.”

Despite the outcry from Spotify users, BetterHelp marketing coordinator Madeline York doubled down to defend the purchase.

“All parties involved, willingly or not, are going to benefit from this deal in the long run,” said York. “Spotify gets more money to put towards another alpha male podcaster, we get an influx of new clients, and Bright Eyes listeners finally stand a chance at getting the therapy that they desperately need, so long as they can find someone on our platform with the right credentials.”

At press time, BetterHelp landed in hot water once again after leaked emails alleged that executives sold audio recordings of clients’ therapy sessions to Conor Oberst for use in future Bright Eyes songs.

Photo by Madeline McCarty.

Punk Advent Calendar Has Half-Smoked Cigarettes Behind Every Door

Posted on by Amanda Russel

MANDAN, N.D. — A new queer punk advent calendar became immensely popular when it advertised the fact each door contains a partially smoked cigarette, customers with mullets and nicotine addictions report.

“We at Have A Fag have four different customized options for our calendars — smoked cigarettes, half-smoked cigarettes, just the cigarette butts, and a grab bag combination of all three,” said Beth Mortimer, Have a Fag CEO. “You’ve got that disgusting knowledge someone else has smoked half your cigarette, and the delicious knowledge that you’re about to smoke the other half. It’s totally a win-win. Queer punks love that shit. I’ve got the market cornered and it’s an easy as fuck sell.”

Calendar recipient Anna Rott is overjoyed by her new holiday tradition.

“It’s the fucking best!” gushed Rott excitedly. “Every day in December I open one of the little doors and I know I’m about to be treated to one of life’s great luxuries, tobacco and lots of fucking additives. It’s my only and favorite holiday tradition. It’s always a different brand, and sometimes they’re smoked a little more or a little less than halfway, but it’s always a rush to open it up at breakfast and then right away run outside to smoke the other half while I’m finishing my coffee and whiskey. They pair perfectly with cold pizza, too.”

Hallmark representative Tony Whittaker was deeply insulted by the very concept.

“This is an insult to the very spirit of Christmas and the holiday season,” huffed Whittaker, angrily pulling at the collar of his button-up shirt. “I don’t know what Beth Mortimer thinks she’s doing here, but it’s disgusting. Of course I’m not worried about the competition. I can’t fathom what kind of weirdo would rather have half-smoked cigarettes every morning instead of festive, holiday-shaped chocolate candies. These are the same people who like ‘purposefully bad’ music, I’m sure.”

When pressed about who smokes the first halves of the cigarettes in the calendars, Mortimer became visibly uncomfortable and immediately changed the subject.

If There Isn’t a War on Christmas Why Was I Just Arrested in Santa’s Village for Indecent Exposure?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

The lamestream media will try to convince you that the War on Christmas is a bunch of made-up right-wing propaganda meant to stoke political division and societal fear. Okay Sherlock, if that’s the case then how do you explain the fact that I was just arrested in Santa’s Village for simply celebrating my Christian faith? And also for something the cops referred to as “indecent exposure.”

I’m sick of having to hide my religion in order to cater to the woke mob. Jesus died for my sins for a reason: so I can proudly commemorate the season by visiting the local mall totally buck naked because that’s my right as a God-fearing patriot.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt unwelcome simply for expressing my beliefs while screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of a public place, totally nude. I should be able to honor my Christendom any way I want and that includes entering Santa’s Village or Target the same way little baby Jesus entered this world, absolutely bare-assed.

This country was better off when we all embraced J-Christ, the one true king. Now a bunch of bureaucrats are forcing shopkeepers to market to all religions at the expense of mine, the only one sanctioned by the Heavenly Father and the beautiful angels on Fox & Friends.

If we want our kids to enjoy the same traditions we had, we need to stick together and fight the lefty fascists the best way we can: with the bible’s sacred gospel and our glorious Christian schlongs exposed and shining brightly for all the world to see.

We Look Back at the Iconic Nirvana Album “The Best of Nirvana”

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

It’s hard to believe it’s been twenty years since the release of the groundbreaking album, “The Best of Nirvana.” Otherwise known to diehard fans as, “Nirvana: Self Titled.” The album was released in 2002, a brief time after the tragic death of Kurt Cobain and 9/11.

2002 was the last big hurrah for Seattle. Not only did the city lose such an iconic singer so recently, but its infamous radio personality Fraiser Crane was on his way to leaving the airwaves as well. Luckily, Kurt and the Nirvana gang left us with one of the greatest albums to exist.

This was their first album since 1994 so you can tell they were spending those eight years trying to perfect this. It’s really quite shocking how many of Nirvana’s best songs were on this record. The album begins with the track, “You Know You’re Right,” a song about reassuring their fanbase that their personal opinions are the only right ones. It features guest drumming by Dave Grohl from Tenacious D.

One of the songs featured on the album is their classic hit, “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” There’s also that one song that goes “Hey, Way, I Got Bills To Pay.” I forgot which track that is but skip around and look for it. It’s a real banger. This album rules!

Half the songs on the record appear to be recorded live complete with audience clapping. This feels very inconsistent but who are we to judge this form of experimentation? As this is an album from 2002, it naturally has songs that greatly reflect the state of America at that time. Titles such as “Dumb” and “All Apologies” clearly reflect how Kurt and the gang felt about George Bush’s America.

The final track on the album, “The Man Who Sold The World,” is left as Nirvana’s final song for the listener to ponder. According to the credits, it was written by a man named David Bowie. Who this world-selling man could be is up to interpretation, if he’s even real at all.

Fans Horrified to Learn The Killers Tricked Them Into Enjoying Mormon Rock

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

LAS VEGAS — Self-proclaimed Killers fan Tyler Blakeslee was horrified to discover allusions to frontman Brandon Flowers’ Mormon faith hidden within the band’s biggest hits, equally stunned sources confirmed.

“I was just looking up the lyrics for ‘All These Things I’ve Done’ when I saw an annotation about Mormon themes behind the song, which was funny since I thought those guys were too cool to associate with those doorknocking dorks,” Blakeslee said. “But now that I know Brandon Flowers is one of them, I just can’t look at him the same way. He’s so flamboyant and handsome that I never thought anything of the religious references when I first got into The Killers. Oh God, does this mean I like Mormon music? I feel like I might need to sit down.”

Frontman Brandon Flowers denied accusations that The Killers deceived fans about their lyrical content.

“As a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, my faith often influences my songwriting. That doesn’t mean my band is Mormon rock,” said Flowers while ironing his temple garments. “We make glamorous indie rock and roll that just happens to honor God. When people make assumptions about The Killers having a religious agenda, they ignore our real agenda of influencing impressionable young kids to learn ‘For Reasons Unknown’ on drums. If I wasn’t so busy with touring, I would go door to door with sheet music and proselytize about the joys of percussion myself.”

Dr. Lucille Elliott, a professor of Religious Studies at the University of Nevada, Reno, observed The Killers are neither the first nor last band to surprise its fans with ties to organized religion.

“Even the brightest theological scholars fall to their knees upon noticing subtle religious themes in songs they thought to be secular. I’ve seen this phenomenon unfold with everyone from U2 to early Underoath, but The Killers’ fans are especially vulnerable,” said Dr. Elliott. “They’re too busy lusting after Brandon Flowers to realize how often he sings about his faith. It’s one thing for them to realize their favorite band is Christian, but Mormon themes are another level of shocking.”

At press time, Blakeslee was found curled into the fetal position after Googling his second favorite band, Flyleaf.

Cop Plants Pot Brownie at Rival Bake Sale

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local police officer Brad Chapman allegedly planted a pot brownie at an elementary school’s bake sale, which was competing against his station’s own fundraiser, multiple sources confirmed.

“Listen, we’re just trying to raise enough money to buy history books that don’t refer to the Clinton administration as ‘current,’” said fourth grade teacher Krista Kidman. “The guy from across the street was giving us the stink eye for a while, but I wrote it off. Suddenly, twenty cops pulled up on us with guns drawn and started flipping tables. Then one of them shoves a brownie in my face that he conveniently found on the ground like he caught us red handed, despite the fact that we’re selling exclusively cookies. Why the hell would I buy drugs to put in confections when 60% of my paycheck goes towards buying classroom supplies? And if I did, I’d sure as hell be charging more than $2 a pop.”

Police insisted their use of force was justified after receiving an anonymous tip.

“I’m not saying I’m the one who called in the tip, but whoever did probably also thought it doesn’t make sense that a bunch of entitled indoctrinators peddling critical race theory would outsell our brave police men and women. Sure, these are store bought brownies we’re selling, but armor doesn’t grow on trees, dammit,” said Officer Chapman. “Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to break into an evidence locker, borrow some contraband you stole from a college student, and toss it under the table of the people giving you trouble. Allegedly.”

Vendors and attendees of the market were not surprised by law enforcement’s response, as it’s become a yearly tradition.

“Every year we have to deal with these fucking pigs and their jealousy-induced meltdowns,” said event organizer Alice Temple. “Two years ago we had nurses raising money for new PPE equipment, and they were hauled off after someone said they found ‘needles of fentanyl’ in their cupcakes. But last year they threw subtlety out the window, ran down the BLM table, and arrested everyone in sight, claiming we were all Antifa terrorists. I don’t even know why they bother showing up, being that this is a non-profit community fundraiser and they have unfettered funding for whatever dumb bullshit they want.”

As of press time, Officer Chapman was immediately placed on administrative leave after teachers planted a Biden/Harris sticker on his patrol car.

You’re an OFF! Fan? Name 3 People That Could Give Keith Morris a Ride to the Airport

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Hey, that’s a sweet OFF! hoodie you got there! You seem like you’re a big fan. I’m the band’s manager and if you’re such a big fan why don’t you give me the names and phone numbers of three people that could give Keith Morris a ride to the airport tomorrow morning?

Why do I need three? Because I’m a professional, that’s why. And as a professional, I always have a backup plan, which is why I’m going to need their home addresses as well. Obviously, I would drive him if I could. But suffice to say that I can not, should not, and will not get behind the wheel.

I can’t offer any gas money at this time. I can, however, tell you that Keith Morris will answer all of the driver’s questions about OFF! as long as they don’t bring up Black Flag under any circumstances. Nor Henry Rollins. I’ll talk to Keith to see if he’ll answer a Circle Jerks question, but don’t hold your breath.

There’s another thing. Keith gets freaked out by purple cars so if they have a purple car just forget it. Oh and he’s going to want to sit in the back on the passenger side, so make sure it’s cleaned off. He’s not a big fan of freeways either. I think it has something to do with how they only exist for the convenience of yuppy suburban homeowners with minivans when they drive their two-and-a-half kids to soccer practice. I don’t know.

Just pass me the list when you have it. I’ll read it over to make sure everything is in order. Once it is, I’ll give you the address where Keith is staying, along with the addresses of Dimitri Coats, Autry Fulbright, and Justin Brown, who are all staying at separate locations and will also need rides.

Punk Venue Bartender Covered in Stickers

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

NASHVILLE — Local bartender Otis Fuller is now just as covered in stickers as the grimey surfaces of the disgusting venue where he works, sources hoping they don’t have to scrape the decals off their coworker confirmed.

“It started as a joke. Every inch of the bar was already covered in stickers, people were always complaining about not having a space for their band logos to shine. So I popped one on my vest and said ‘there’s your prime real estate.’ But then it kind of got away from me,” mumbled Fuller behind a mask of terrible band stickers. “People started slapping shit all over me. My face, my ass, even under my clothes. Part of my morning routine now is ripping off stickers glued to my chest hair, my back hair, and my taint. I’m gonna have alopecia by the time this trend burns out.”

Bands in the scene reportedly have no intention of stopping their borderline harassment of Fudge, even going so far as to call it a competition.

“Once I saw other local bands with their logos on Otis, I had to get mine on him two times as much. That boy’s a main street billboard, for free,” said frontman Giorgio Prawn, stalking Otis’ bar seating. “When he started getting famous for being the bartender covered in stickers, I saw that as a great marketing opportunity for my band, Lunch Dunce. So I sit here waiting, and whenever some doof slaps a sticker on him, I cover it up with my own when his back is turned. Otis hates it, and says he can’t breathe through all the face coverings, but whatever. That dude lives with his mom.”

Despite Fuller’s complaints, bar owner Huck Bomer is happy to have something new to capitalize on at his establishment.

“I don’t care when people put their band’s stickers on my walls or tables. If anything, it keeps me from having to re-paint. But when I see stickers on Otis, I don’t see a chore, I see money,” Bomer smirked behind his crusty mustache. “I’m about to start charging money like race cars sell decal space. Otis hates being covered in stickers, but I don’t care, he’s a two-time felon, who needs a job. And now, he’s moved up from the service industry to advertising.”

At press time, Fuller reluctantly offered to get tattoos of any band’s logo in trade for beer money and a good lawyer.

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