MANDAN, N.D. — A new queer punk advent calendar became immensely popular when it advertised the fact each door contains a partially smoked cigarette, customers with mullets and nicotine addictions report.
“We at Have A Fag have four different customized options for our calendars — smoked cigarettes, half-smoked cigarettes, just the cigarette butts, and a grab bag combination of all three,” said Beth Mortimer, Have a Fag CEO. “You’ve got that disgusting knowledge someone else has smoked half your cigarette, and the delicious knowledge that you’re about to smoke the other half. It’s totally a win-win. Queer punks love that shit. I’ve got the market cornered and it’s an easy as fuck sell.”
Calendar recipient Anna Rott is overjoyed by her new holiday tradition.
“It’s the fucking best!” gushed Rott excitedly. “Every day in December I open one of the little doors and I know I’m about to be treated to one of life’s great luxuries, tobacco and lots of fucking additives. It’s my only and favorite holiday tradition. It’s always a different brand, and sometimes they’re smoked a little more or a little less than halfway, but it’s always a rush to open it up at breakfast and then right away run outside to smoke the other half while I’m finishing my coffee and whiskey. They pair perfectly with cold pizza, too.”
Hallmark representative Tony Whittaker was deeply insulted by the very concept.
“This is an insult to the very spirit of Christmas and the holiday season,” huffed Whittaker, angrily pulling at the collar of his button-up shirt. “I don’t know what Beth Mortimer thinks she’s doing here, but it’s disgusting. Of course I’m not worried about the competition. I can’t fathom what kind of weirdo would rather have half-smoked cigarettes every morning instead of festive, holiday-shaped chocolate candies. These are the same people who like ‘purposefully bad’ music, I’m sure.”
When pressed about who smokes the first halves of the cigarettes in the calendars, Mortimer became visibly uncomfortable and immediately changed the subject.