NASHVILLE — Local bartender Otis Fuller is now just as covered in stickers as the grimey surfaces of the disgusting venue where he works, sources hoping they don’t have to scrape the decals off their coworker confirmed.
“It started as a joke. Every inch of the bar was already covered in stickers, people were always complaining about not having a space for their band logos to shine. So I popped one on my vest and said ‘there’s your prime real estate.’ But then it kind of got away from me,” mumbled Fuller behind a mask of terrible band stickers. “People started slapping shit all over me. My face, my ass, even under my clothes. Part of my morning routine now is ripping off stickers glued to my chest hair, my back hair, and my taint. I’m gonna have alopecia by the time this trend burns out.”
Bands in the scene reportedly have no intention of stopping their borderline harassment of Fudge, even going so far as to call it a competition.
“Once I saw other local bands with their logos on Otis, I had to get mine on him two times as much. That boy’s a main street billboard, for free,” said frontman Giorgio Prawn, stalking Otis’ bar seating. “When he started getting famous for being the bartender covered in stickers, I saw that as a great marketing opportunity for my band, Lunch Dunce. So I sit here waiting, and whenever some doof slaps a sticker on him, I cover it up with my own when his back is turned. Otis hates it, and says he can’t breathe through all the face coverings, but whatever. That dude lives with his mom.”
Despite Fuller’s complaints, bar owner Huck Bomer is happy to have something new to capitalize on at his establishment.
“I don’t care when people put their band’s stickers on my walls or tables. If anything, it keeps me from having to re-paint. But when I see stickers on Otis, I don’t see a chore, I see money,” Bomer smirked behind his crusty mustache. “I’m about to start charging money like race cars sell decal space. Otis hates being covered in stickers, but I don’t care, he’s a two-time felon, who needs a job. And now, he’s moved up from the service industry to advertising.”
At press time, Fuller reluctantly offered to get tattoos of any band’s logo in trade for beer money and a good lawyer.