Relationships are tough, and with all the butt stuff going on now they’ve only gotten trickier. So, the sexologists at the Hard Times are here with the top five ways to make your partner Oi! during sex!
This is the talk your parents were too square to have!
Use your husky, working person’s voice to whisper about the corruption of Parliament directly into their ear
If there’s anything guaranteed to get your partner going, it’s whispering about the British Parliamentary system during sex. If you have nothing but your working-class ideals and blisters from a hard day’s work, huskily whisper your mistrust of power and feel your lover melt beneath you.
Click the heels of your work boots behind your head
Contorting your body into a uniquely uncomfortable sexual position is one of the quickest ways to make your partner Oi! so loud Boris Johnson’s hair moves. The clickety-clack of those boots, dirty from hours and hours of hard labor, will have them squealing “Oi! Oi! Oi!” until it’s time to clock in for their next shift at the factory on the other side of town.
Start a band instead of doing anything meaningful mid-pump
Starting a band instead of joining your own workplace union or providing meals to striking workers picketing for healthcare mid-stroke will drive them CRAZY. Plus, it will definitely get the word out about working-class struggles better than boring volunteer work.
Lock arms with a bunch of strangers right before the chorus of their favorite Cock Sparrer song
A good sex playlist is a must, and somewhere between Ginuwine and John Mayer, you need a cache of Cock Sparrer, Sham 69, and the 4-Skins songs. When the chorus of their favorite Cock Sparrer song starts, lock arms with all the sweaty weirdos that were drinking in your closet! The more people you bring out, the louder and more intense your partner will Oi!
When they aren’t looking, steal their wallet
Nothing could be sexier than reminding your partner that the two of you just met and that your name really isn’t Jon Dansbury of Stratford-upon-Avon than stealing their license, credit card, and old Subway Club punch card while they quake in the balm of fornication.
If you follow these helpful tips, you’ll have your partner Oi’ing every night! And always remember, if your Oi sex lasts 4 minutes or longer, call a doctor.